Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Is this disrespectful? Tacky? Unethical? Frankly, I find it extremely disrespectful for a woman to sleep with someone else if I'm putting money into dates. Any ladies feel the same about men that date you and are sleeping with someone else? Edit- the thread title should say someone else
zengirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I think it's tacky. I'd never sleep with one person and date another. I don't think dating multiple people (just casual dates in early stages, without sex or intimacy or a lot of build-up) is fine, but sleeping with someone else is a different story. And this is especially true for those looking for LTRs. I think you have to stop sleeping with one person to have a true emotional connection with another.
SmileFace Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 What ,are dates like an investment? I wish people would see dates as a way to get to know someone and not as a investment. Buying me lunch does not give you ownership to my crotch.lol Anyway but if you see something wrong with this. Don't date a women that will do this.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Personally...while I think it's a great idea to date several people at once, I don't think anyone should be having sex unless they want to make it an exclusive relationship. Unless they are not interested in such a relationship, at which time it needs to be clear from the beginning. I'm more concerned with the safety issue...sleeping with several people at once is more likely to involve STDs. Ethically, if you are just dating and it's not serious, then you obviously have no say in what she does with her spare time. You might be sleeping/dating other girls as well and she would have no say in that either. The person who invites the other out on a date should treat as a matter of displaying courtesy, although it's nice if the other person offers to pay their share. But paying for a date does not give anyone, man or woman, the right to stipulate what the person does in their free time.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 This is the difference between generosity and persuasion. You view spending money on a person during a date as a persuasion tactic. It is not done out of generosity. You shell out X (amount of $), you expect Y (exclusivity and sex). I suggest altering your style of dating to spending only what makes you happy to spend on them even if that amount is $0. That way, no matter what the result is, you don't feel they took advantage of you. Because not every woman you spend money on that isn't dating or sleeping with someone else is going to be compatible enough to you to have a committed relationship with. The money will still be spent fruitlessly as it didn't get your aim - an exclusive relationship and sex. I say this based on your claim of holding yourself to a higher standard. I take this to mean you don't sleep around and will wait till you have a quality connection with someone before sex. That won't be achieved simply by them not dating and/or sleeping with someone else right? So if spending money for the sake of generosity isn't satisfying to you, don't spend it at all. You're not generous, you're an investor who grows resentful without a pay off. Yes I do find it tacky to be sleeping with someone while expecting another someone to cover your entertainment costs, I also find fake generosity to be tacky as well.
zengirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I suggest altering your style of dating to spending only what makes you happy to spend on them even if that amount is $0. That way, no matter what the result is, you don't feel they took advantage of you. Excellent advice, too. If the main issue you have with someone sleeping with someone else is the money, that seems out of whack. But I could spend no money, or even have a date where the guy is picking up the checks, and I'd drop anyone I found out was having sex with someone else while dating me. We just wouldn't share the same values, and I wouldn't be able to feel like he really valued developing a commitment with me.
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 If the main issue you have with someone sleeping with someone else is the money, that seems out of whack. Totally agree. OP has in other threads said it's not fair if he's putting money in to dates if another guy is "getting sex for free" from the same girl. I don't think his concern is so much about building a foundation for a real relationship so much as something else.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Excellent advice, too. If the main issue you have with someone sleeping with someone else is the money, that seems out of whack. But I could spend no money, or even have a date where the guy is picking up the checks, and I'd drop anyone I found out was having sex with someone else while dating me. We just wouldn't share the same values, and I wouldn't be able to feel like he really valued developing a commitment with me. I too read the title and thought the thread would be a generalized discussion about dating someone who incorporates casual sex into casual dating. Then I opened it and discovered it was about money not just dating someone who has multiple interests they have sex with.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hi Is your question particularly or exclusively about "money" or about money and time? Would you be as upset if you had three picnic dates (or dates which did not cost a lot of money, ie, a hike, coffee date, walk near water) and they were seeing someone else? Would you be offended if the girl was being treated to dinners by another man, but was sleeping only with you? Not sure. I am just curious, not an argument at all. I personally, lately, have met men who clearly want casual sex, etc with me, and want it with others, they don't want a relationship. It's not my bag, but if these men want to spend money on several women at once, it's their deal. I don't condone it but if they are honest about it, I respect that choice. I can casually date, one guy, but don't want to have sex with multiple partners. I would think that as a guy I would not want to invest a lof of money or time with a woman who was sleeping with others if I was in fact looking for LTR. Many men want casual sex and multiple partners or FWB so women now are more used to multi-dating, having diff. men take them out and spend money, and sex too. (not all, and not me, just sayin') I don't want to be wined and dined by a man that is wining and dining two or three other women. If it is one or two dates, online dating, then you need to expect they may be having one or two first dates with someone else. That's how it goes in the beginning until you find someone you want more with. (in the online world it seems to be norm) Nor would I lead someone on to get a dinner or treat if I did not like him and want to be with him. It aint abt money for me, it's about integrity and respect, for me, and whom I am with. Is this disrespectful? Tacky? Unethical? Frankly, I find it extremely disrespectful for a woman to sleep with someone else if I'm putting money into dates. Any ladies feel the same about men that date you and are sleeping with someone else? Edit- the thread title should say someone else
fishtaco Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 This is the difference between generosity and persuasion. You view spending money on a person during a date as a persuasion tactic. It is not done out of generosity. You shell out X (amount of $), you expect Y (exclusivity and sex). I suggest altering your style of dating to spending only what makes you happy to spend on them even if that amount is $0. That way, no matter what the result is, you don't feel they took advantage of you. Because not every woman you spend money on that isn't dating or sleeping with someone else is going to be compatible enough to you to have a committed relationship with. The money will still be spent fruitlessly as it didn't get your aim - an exclusive relationship and sex. I say this based on your claim of holding yourself to a higher standard. I take this to mean you don't sleep around and will wait till you have a quality connection with someone before sex. That won't be achieved simply by them not dating and/or sleeping with someone else right? So if spending money for the sake of generosity isn't satisfying to you, don't spend it at all. You're not generous, you're an investor who grows resentful without a pay off. Yes I do find it tacky to be sleeping with someone while expecting another someone to cover your entertainment costs, I also find fake generosity to be tacky as well. Oh snap! But I can't really disagree with what sally4sara said. I believe no one is 100% generous (in the dating scene at least, that'd be dumb... too many users), and no one is 100% investor. It's usually somewhere in between. I understand what sally4sara said, no one should be more generous than what they are willing to be. It's like placing bet. Do what you are comfortable with knowing you may lose. As far as casual dating and sex and all that, I have simple rules. Not exclusive = casual. Casual = do whatever you want, don't ask don't tell. We both have no right to limit each other. If one of us feels any different, then it's time to ask for exclusivity. Unlike Mad Max, I don't hold myself to a higher standard. I believe in "When in Rome, do what the Romans do". So it's great that Mad Max is better than the rest. But, don't be surprised when "the rest" won't hold themselves to the same high standard, and in addition, like it or not, you have to learn to deal with them. Placing the "right amount of bet" until they earn your trust, regardless if you're operating on higher or Roman standards, I feel is a sensible thing to do.
Author Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Hi Is your question particularly or exclusively about "money" or about money and time? Would you be as upset if you had three picnic dates (or dates which did not cost a lot of money, ie, a hike, coffee date, walk near water) and they were seeing someone else? Would you be offended if the girl was being treated to dinners by another man, but was sleeping only with you? Not sure. I am just curious, not an argument at all. I'm against multi-dating as well, so yes I would be offended. I refuse to be someone's option. I had a situation where the girl I was seeing was sleeping with someone at the same time I was dating her. Kicked her to the curb immediately. I have no problem if she wants to see others, but I will not be in the picture any longer. I personally, lately, have met men who clearly want casual sex, etc with me, and want it with others, they don't want a relationship. It's not my bag, but if these men want to spend money on several women at once, it's their deal. I don't condone it but if they are honest about it, I respect that choice. I can casually date, one guy, but don't want to have sex with multiple partners. I would think that as a guy I would not want to invest a lof of money or time with a woman who was sleeping with others if I was in fact looking for LTR. Many men want casual sex and multiple partners or FWB so women now are more used to multi-dating, having diff. men take them out and spend money, and sex too. (not all, and not me, just sayin') If they're honest about it, that's fine. It's up to you if you want to put up with it. I am also strongly against sleeping with multiple people at the same time. I don't need an STD because of someone's desire for variety. I don't want to be wined and dined by a man that is wining and dining two or three other women. If it is one or two dates, online dating, then you need to expect they may be having one or two first dates with someone else. That's how it goes in the beginning until you find someone you want more with. (in the online world it seems to be norm) I don't online date, but like I said earlier I'm against multi-dating. People managed years ago, so there's no reason why they can't do it now. If she wants to date someone else, I have nothing against that. But I would appreciate honesty so I can move on. Nor would I lead someone on to get a dinner or treat if I did not like him and want to be with him. It aint abt money for me, it's about integrity and respect, for me, and whom I am with. That would be cruel, but those that are dating one individual and sleeping with another have no integrity.
ConfusedAsUsual Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Is this disrespectful? Tacky? Unethical? Frankly, I find it extremely disrespectful for a woman to sleep with someone else if I'm putting money into dates. Any ladies feel the same about men that date you and are sleeping with someone else? Edit- the thread title should say someone else For me it would depend on the level of seriousness. Especially if we are both "seeing other people".
Distant78 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Is this disrespectful? Tacky? Unethical? Frankly, I find it extremely disrespectful for a woman to sleep with someone else if I'm putting money into dates. Any ladies feel the same about men that date you and are sleeping with someone else? Edit- the thread title should say someone else I agree. That's nasty, slutty, and tacky.
alexlakeman Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 If they are screwing another guy while you are dating them, you are obviously not doing it for them in that department.. Satisfy them in that department, and she won't need sleeping with another guy...
paleblue Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Ahhhhh yaaaaaaaaaa. I wouldnt put up with that garbage. It's completely distasteful. You 're not dating her because you want to be her friend. I dont get what people think sometimes. Animals with no self control over their impulses do things like that.
Surrealist Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 If I was dating, I personally wouldn't spend good money on an expensive date if I knew the woman was slutty. For that matter, Im not hung up on it because it wouldn't happen in the first place. However Id be okay catching up for a few drinks, maybe buy her a drink or two if it comes to it, then see where things go. If I knew a quality woman I'd be okay spending money for her, but that would be a good chick not some trashy sexually promiscuous woman.
musemaj11 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) Women expect men to be willing to give them everything without expecting anything. They are either naive or just selfish. In my belief, women are inherently narcissistic. They are incapable of looking from the opposite point of view. Another example is the one from the other thread where women argue that men paying for them on dates doesnt entitle them to sex. But I bet ironically these same women believe that they are entitled to men paying for them on dates. Very funny. If you want me to spend any money on you then you are selling yourself to me and if I agree to buy you then you are my possession. Period. Otherwise you are a swindler, a thief. Edited January 7, 2011 by musemaj11
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 What ,are dates like an investment? I wish people would see dates as a way to get to know someone and not as a investment. Buying me lunch does not give you ownership to my crotch.lol If you agree to go on a date with a man and have him pay for you... Then you should respect that regardless of whether you want to view it as an "investment" or "getting to know you". Also... Why do you LoveShack ladies always try to put things in terms of ownership when it comes to money. Do you have a history of being owned? It's about trust. If a guy is spending time, effort, and money to get to know you... he is trusting that you are not with someone else at the end of the night. If you can't be trustworthy, then what kind of person are you? This is the difference between generosity and persuasion. You view spending money on a person during a date as a persuasion tactic. It is not done out of generosity. You shell out X (amount of $), you expect Y (exclusivity and sex). So if spending money for the sake of generosity isn't satisfying to you, don't spend it at all. You're not generous, you're an investor who grows resentful without a pay off. Yes I do find it tacky to be sleeping with someone while expecting another someone to cover your entertainment costs, I also find fake generosity to be tacky as well. You cannot completely separate those two things. When a man pays it IS part generosity and part persuasion. They are not mutually exclusive... they in fact coexist. Besides, your argument here is like me saying a woman who wears makeup is putting on a fake face for me. Acting generous is just like makeup for the personality. Everybody tries to impress on the first date. Excellent advice, too. If the main issue you have with someone sleeping with someone else is the money, that seems out of whack. But I could spend no money, or even have a date where the guy is picking up the checks, and I'd drop anyone I found out was having sex with someone else while dating me. We just wouldn't share the same values, and I wouldn't be able to feel like he really valued developing a commitment with me. I agree. The money part is only about respect. I expect someone I am being generous with to respect me. Other men do as well. Hi Is your question particularly or exclusively about "money" or about money and time? Would you be as upset if you had three picnic dates (or dates which did not cost a lot of money, ie, a hike, coffee date, walk near water) and they were seeing someone else? Would you be offended if the girl was being treated to dinners by another man, but was sleeping only with you? Not sure. I am just curious, not an argument at all. Interesting point. No it isn't completely about the money. If I knew a quality woman I'd be okay spending money for her, but that would be a good chick not some trashy sexually promiscuous woman. .... How do you tell the difference? They all look the same until the first few dates.
JustJoe Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 People who view relationships as financial transactions, are probably never going to have good relationships.
musemaj11 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 People who view relationships as financial transactions, are probably never going to have good relationships. I wish life were a fairytale, too. But unfortunately its not.
OceanGirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think it's tacky to date one dude while having sex with another. However, I feel that it's fine to multi-date people if there is no sex involved.
zengirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 People who view relationships as financial transactions, are probably never going to have good relationships. Very true.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 People who view relationships as financial transactions, are probably never going to have good relationships. ... and yet money is so important to relationships. Unless things have changed financial issues are the #1 cited cause for divorce.
zengirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 ... and yet money is so important to relationships. Unless things have changed financial issues are the #1 cited cause for divorce. Financial issues in a household do cause strain. Mostly, it's arguments over how to handle them -- different financial styles -- that cause issues, rather than the money itself. These arise more often in hard times, obviously. But I think that's more about the values involved than the money.
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