blahlately Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'll try to keep this as brief as possible without rambling and still include as much pertinent information as possible. My wife has been keeping in contact with her ex-fiancee and lying about it for most of our relationship. He had stopped speaking to her for awhile when he found out she was getting married (to me, 2 years ago). This is a guy whom all of her friends assumed she would eventually marry because apparently he was 'the one', at one time bought her a house she said she liked which he has completely remodeled and still lives in, and whom she has compared me to since early on, which she denied for the longest time. When caught hiding her relationship with him she lied about it, saying it was completely innocent and they were just friends. The only text I saw from him said "P.S. I love you". She kept her phone with her at all times with all sounds off while this was going on. For the longest time she continued to hide this relationship and lie about it when confronted. Then last year she took a trip to her home town, where he and all her old friends and family live. Her friend she stayed with lives only a mile from this guy. I found messages saying to him things like "I'm unhappy; it's hard to be with anyone without comparing them to you", and "if you had asked me to stay 5 years ago I would have, in a heartbeat" before she left. I also found out they had been discussing her trip back for months, nothing illicit, just both "can't wait" for the trip to see each other again and how excited she was to see him. She even emailed him her trip details before she even told me about them. Leading up to the trip, there were hundreds of texts back and forth. She texted him the moment she hit the ground. Her second night there she texted him in the middle of the night, right after she texted me goodnight. 30 minutes later she didn't answer when I called. 30 minutes after that her phone was off. There were many periods of time she couldn't account for or her stories changed about her trip. There were lots of reasons to think she had gotten together with him. When she returned, I confronted her about everything. She denied anything happened, and claimed she didn't even see him, and hadn't had any plans to see him, although the tone of her messages that I saw were primarily her pursuing him and both looking forward to seeing each other for months ahead of this trip. She said that if this was going to keep coming up as an issue (my having a problem with her lying about this relationship) we should just call it quits. When she said she would stop talking to him I decided to believe her that nothing had happened and move on. About the time she had started talking to this guy several months before, she changed. Her attentiveness disappeared, she was distant, our sex life all but evaporated, and she always had excuses, which still continues. A few months after the trip, after many months of her continuing to be distant, I checked our cell account and found that she was still texting him regularly. I found some other messages like "hey sexy" and signed "as always love and kisses". Obviously not just friends. I confronted her about this new information and at first she denied it. So I told her she was right when she said we should call it quits if this was going to continue to come up. She said that was fine with her so I moved out. After a few days she was very apologetic and wanted me to come home so we could try to work things out. Her story about her trip changed, now saying that one of the primary reasons she took the trip was to see him, but she changed her mind and didn't follow through with it. Sounds like horned-male-bovine-excrement to me too. I assume she did spend the night with him, and I forgave her for it, but it has always bothered me that she never admitted it. She said she would email him and end it, but when I asked her if she had a few days later, she hadn't, said she would, and never brought it up again. She says I didn't do anything to deserve this, and that this is entirely her fault and that she doesn't know why she kept this up knowing how it might affect us. I have been very explicit that there would not be another chance, nor would I tolerate any kind of relationship between them. I would leave and never look back. BTW we do have children from previous marriages but none together. In the several months since then, she has remained distant, our sex life has remained nearly nonexistent, and her reasons for this continue to change. First it was stress, then it was something else, then another excuse, but ultimately, she remains nearly as distant as she always was when I knew she was continuing with this guy. When I most recently tried to talk to her about it, all she heard was that we weren't having much sex. I tried to explain that it was her distance and lack of attentiveness in general. So she told me that if I needed sex and attention I should seek it elsewhere and not let her find out about it because she couldn't promise she would be in the mood on any given day. I responded by saying if that's her solution that continuing our marriage was pointless and it was time to divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce, and she has been somewhat less distant and more attentive since then, but our sex life is the same. Our relationship is nothing like it was before, and I haven't withdrawn, if anything, I've tried to be more attentive to let her know how much I do love her. There haven't been any more texts or other messages that I know of, but she very easily could have taken things underground. I'm certain she did spend the night with him, and there are times I think she wants to tell me, but never does. So, if you were in my shoes, would you trust her that nothing happened, or would you continue to believe it did? Would you believe she ended things, or would you think it went underground? I love her very much, and she loves me, but something is still missing. Please, I could use another point of view on this. It seems like my D-day is dragging on without an end in sight.
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I hate to be the bearer of bad news blahlately but your wife still loves this other man. 1) She planned and went on a trip home specifically to see him. 2) She lies/denies to protect him from you. 3) She slept with him. 4) She told him about her trip home before she told you. 5) She is distant. 6) She has lost interest in sex with you. 7) She texts him in the middle of the night. ... need I go on? What is happening is: a) The passion and emotion that is supposed to be reserved for your marriage is being removed by your wife and directed at her EX. So your marriage is definitely suffering. b) She is gaslighting you by making it "your issue" for the distance and lack of attentiveness in your marriage. c) She may have cooled things off with her EX but there is also a huge possibility that she has just simply gone deeper underground with him. ( I say this because of the continued distance and lack of attentiveness in your marriage.) Suggestions: Immediate marriage counseling. Don't ask her to attend, demand that she attend for the sake of the marriage. Make an appointment and give her the date and go. If she refuses or backpedals then you know for sure she is not committed to you. Best of luck.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 There seems to be nothing to save in this marriage. Your wife isn't putting any effort in to make things better, she is selfish and still going behind your back and in contact with the OM. Don't stay out of fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone. You're more or less alone now, your wife isn't acting like a wife, one that loves you, puts you first and adores the ground you walk on. She still is very into her ex and for some reason cannot let go of him.
Spark1111 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I agree with the words of wisdom already posted. Please try to gather conclusive proof; invest in a keylogger and cell spy stuff, a VAR for the car. Wake up in the middle of the night and try to check her texts. Whatever it takes. Lay low, gather proof, confront, decide. If nothing else, she is in an EA with this OM and that is killing your marriage. Often cheaters will swear to the moon it is over to settle the spouse down and then resume the relationship. The problem lies within her, not you. Trust your gut. She probably had NO CONTACT with him for the four months you felt a difference. Then she might have re-inititated it when you sensed the distancing. The way you describe it, I am pretty sure this is what is happening in your sitch. And they will deny, deny, deny, and explain it all away until YOU have irrefutable proof. It is called blameshifting and gaslighting. They want the stability of married life and the excitement of the forbidden on the side. I am sorry you are going through this.
Bryanp Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You need to be tested for STD's. Why do you want to save this relationship?
robf1971 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Hmmm, he dumped her and now she wants to get back with him. What does that tell you about what you need to do to get her to come back to you?
RobD70 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Our relationship is nothing like it was before, and I haven't withdrawn, if anything, I've tried to be more attentive to let her know how much I do love her. When someone pulls away, you don't pursue them. You should be withdrawing, being more attentive just pushes her away. You should be treating her like she treats you. Being more attentive is rewarding her bad behavior. Your marriage is pretty much over. Sounds like she is just around for security/financial reasons. Starting getting your ducks in a row and prepare to leave. You are not getting anything out of this and you will be 100% more happy on your own dating people who are actually interested in you.
Author blahlately Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Wow. It seems I've been deluding myself in thinking this can be saved, based on the majority of the responses I've seen, with the exception of YellowShark who suggested immediate marriage counseling. Unfortunately, marriage counseling really isn't an option at the moment financially. Thank you all for replying. This isn't my first trip to the rodeo; my first marriage ended because of infidelity as well; my ex left me for an OM. There is obviously more to this story than I was able to convey. There was a second ex-fiancee she was also in contact with, I limited my original post to just the one she slept with. The other ex also lives out of state, but same situation; lies and denials until confronted with proof. She didn't have nearly as much contact with this ex, but it was much more explicit. In fact, one of the messages I intercepted was sent minutes after she and I had had sex, and was sexual in nature directed at OM #2. She even went as far as to tell him that she misses what they had together. She claims she cut off all contact with this one as well. When she got home yesterday she was so attentive I wondered for a second if she hadn't read my original post. She even wanted to have sex, but I simply wasn't in the mood. And I definitely got the feeling several times throughout the night that she wanted to tell me something but didn't follow through. If I had to make a guess, I'd think she was in contact with him yesterday, and overcompensating for her feelings of guilt about it by being attentive to me. Tonight she wants to go out for a "date night". Yeah. As far as discovering if she has definitely taken this underground, unfortunately, that isn't really an option. She doesn't text on her personal cell, but very well could be texting him/them from her work cell. She could also be in contact via her work computer, or her iPod, which rarely ever leaves her side. She has a private email account on her iPod which she never accesses from her home computer, and I can't find out if she has Skype or TextFree on her iPod. Are any of these replies from a female perspective, or could I get a female perspective? I would greatly appreciate it.
YellowShark Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 There is obviously more to this story than I was able to convey. There was a second ex-fiancee she was also in contact with, I limited my original post to just the one she slept with. The other ex also lives out of state, but same situation; lies and denials until confronted with proof. She didn't have nearly as much contact with this ex, but it was much more explicit. In fact, one of the messages I intercepted was sent minutes after she and I had had sex, and was sexual in nature directed at OM #2. She even went as far as to tell him that she misses what they had together. She claims she cut off all contact with this one as well. Did you marry my EX? HA! Then with this new revelation this woman is toxic and not worth your time and effort. I live by "Once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater." Here's what happened to me blahlately. My EX-of-7-years had an EA with a previous flame who was married with 2 kids. I busted her. We did the counseling thing, we set boundaries, made promises, I did what she asked more of... and two years later she ends up screwing around with an ex-good-friend/next-door neighbor who had a pregnant wife! At that point I realized it's her that is sick and toxic and not me at all. I was packed and out the door in 4 days flat. No negotiations. Sounds like you are with a woman much like my EX. She doesn't text on her personal cell, but very well could be texting him/them from her work cell. She could also be in contact via her work computer, or her iPod, which rarely ever leaves her side. She has a private email account on her iPod which she never accesses from her home computer, and I can't find out if she has Skype or TextFree on her iPod. Forget it blahlately, if her iPod never leaves her side she is using it to contact the other men. That is a HUGE RED FLAG with infidelity. When my EX was cheating her cell was glued to her hip - AND I NOTICED THAT. It went into the bathroom with her, to the kitchen, to the deck... Why? Because there is stuff on there she didn't want me to see. People with nothing to hide hide nothing. So ask your wife for the iPod and ask her to open her private email infront of you on it. If she refuses and gaslights you saying "it's none of your business," or "you're too nosey," or "there's nothing to see," then she's lying to you. Trust me on this... been there, done that... got the t-shirt.
seren Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think you have been more than patient. I would ask for total NC, truth, phone records, access to anything and everything I asked for, there and then. I am sorry, but it sounds like she isn't giving any thought to your feelings, it seems very me, me, me from her side. I would start guarding my heart and withdrawing, unless she can be honest, even then, I don't know that I could ever trust someone who was so self absorbed that they felt it Ok to text someone else after we had made love, mind you. If you had the truth and found out that everything you suspect to be true - could you ever love and trust her again? It seems it has been going on for so long.
seibert253 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) IMO you've been Mr. Nice guy long enough. I know you're fairly new to this and it seems you've made the same mistakes most of us made in the beginning; being nice and not "laying down the gauntlet" Well it's go time. You need to make it plain and simple to her. This will get the point across: Tell her she's disrespected you and your M with all her lies about her ex, and she's continuing with her disrespect. You will not longer stand for it. Let her know in order to remain M'd to you she needs to "come clean with the truth". You know what happened when she was on her trip, you want to hear it from her lips. Then see what she says. Also confront her that you KNOW she's still contacting her ex. Again, tell her if she wishes to remain M'd to you this must end. Ask her to send him a NC letter, email, phone call, whatever. The watch her do this. Judging by your last post, she may be feeling some guilt, thus the feeling she wants to tell you something, but holding it back. Just let her know you're will to start afresh and move forward, but this will be impossible without the total truth about EVERYTHING. Finally, let her know unless she's totally truthful to you, and ends all contact with the ex, you see this as her not being totally committed to your M, and you forced to evaulate your commitment to your M, and her. Research The 180 and read up on it. Right after you have your talk, if she's not truthful, upfront, and willing to do as you ask, impliment and continue with it right away. The 180 is not about her, it's about you. If you have a W who's disrespectful dishonest, you need to start detaching and moving forward without her. This will help. Edited January 8, 2011 by seibert253
Windsurf66 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 marriage is dead, your wife is just waiting for the right time to divorce you. She is probably waiting for the other OM or OMs to confirm the r/s with her, once secured, she will dump you. Dun be a fool, the posters here and myself have seen countless similar stories over the years, and its always the same modus operanti used by cheaters. I can 100% confirm that she cheated, is cheating and to her, the marriage is dead and she is just stringing you along until she can hook up with the OM. Good luck, you will need lots of it, with your current attitude
jnj express Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Does your wife have an income, or are you the main source of funds for the mge.----Seems like she has figured out that to live any kind of a decent life, she needs you and your money----aside from that she is playing you like a fiddle Since the absolute beginning of your mge., she has cheated on you, with at least 2 other men----why are you still with her Does she have you wound around her little finger, so that when she decides to lie to you, and be a good little (cheating) wife---you come running back for more Do you enjoy writing these posts, and asking for help---do you enjoy the pain. hurt, and unhappiness----Do you plan on spending the rest of your life like this------You know what you need to do, and it should have been done YESTERDAY-----You already have way more than enuff proof---move on with your life----your wife is toxic, and she has been that way since the day you took vows
fishlessbicycle Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 How many ex-fiancees need to come out of the woodwork before you realize what she's doing to you? She has absolutely no regard for you, contrary to what you feel for her. You need to start looking after yourself first and foremost before you lose your assets and future. Don't fall for her head games at this point. If she didn't respect you enough to be faithful to you why would she respect you now?
Author blahlately Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Now I'm really confused. Over the last several days she's gone from her normal, distant self to which I've become accustomed, to the other end of the spectrum and has been super-attentive and loving. I still completely get the feeling she's feeling guilty and wants to tell me, but what would cause such an abrupt change in her actions? I'm not complaining, just confused by the sudden change.
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