Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'm not going to justify what I wrote as sexist or not. I believe that it is just as bad as when men cheat. Getting back to the OT, I do wonder how much in love Ms Joolie really was/is with T. If she really was, her actions would be different from what they have been. She just wouldn't have the energy that she has to put towards O. So yes, I agree with the poster that Ms Joolie is just some wedding-obsessed chick.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I am not the one that brought gender into it. Why is a man wrong for saying that she should not cheat and that this is proof she is not ready for marriage? That isn't all he said Woggle so playing dumb isn't going to work. This is what was sexist: "I love it how some women justify their cheating with being "unhappy"." Men also justify their cheating by citing things they're unhappy with when ending the relationship first would be the best way to go about not being unhappy anymore rather than staying in a relationship that has them "unhappy". Clearly, I felt the OP was in the wrong; I said as much. What I didn't do was suggest she was acting out due to her gender. Maybe you're just not a smart as I give you credit for being......
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 That isn't all he said Woggle so playing dumb isn't going to work. This is what was sexist: "I love it how some women justify their cheating with being "unhappy"." Men also justify their cheating by citing things they're unhappy with when ending the relationship first would be the best way to go about not being unhappy anymore rather than staying in a relationship that has them "unhappy". Clearly, I felt the OP was in the wrong; I said as much. What I didn't do was suggest she was acting out due to her gender. Maybe you're just not a smart as I give you credit for being...... I know what you meant but this thread is a typical case of blameshifting where a person justifies cheating because they are the poor little victim and women have men beat at that game by miles.
Smoky Day Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I agree and I love how you were called sexist for saying it is wrong for her to cheat. You need to read that whole exchange again, Woggle. Sally said it was sexist for him to say that women try to justify it when they cheat, and that men don't. Because the truth is that both men and women try to justify their cheating. Women try to justify by saying they are unhappy, and so do men. Nobody said that it was sexist to say it was wrong for her to cheat. Sally, and everybody else, has said that YES it is WRONG. Of course it's wrong, men and women are agreeing with that. Personally I gotta say Ms. Joolie is nowhere near ready to get married.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Okay I should have started my thread like this and been more honest: I am having an emotional affair with O. I have failed to deal with the contention inside my relationship with T. You see, my boyfriend, T, has not initiated future-based relationship talks, and I am being impatient. I am very turned off by having to take the initiative to try and decide the future together with T. Btw, I am nowhere near being ready to get married. So what should I do?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 So here's the situation.... I want to go to Florida and spend a few days with O. I will be in Florida from 1/28 to 2/2. T's birthday is 1/30, so I would be gone for that. I love T and I really don't want to end things so suddenly for another man like this! But I need to do something and I can't see clearly anymore. What do I do?? Who do I let go? You are CHEATING!!! Who would marry or even consider marrying a skeezy cheat? Oh wait... it's all your BF's fault. Sorry I just forgot that you are the only person in the world who matters and that such things as honesty and integrity don't need to apply to you.
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Okay I should have started my thread like this and been more honest: I am having an emotional affair with O. I have failed to deal with the contention inside my relationship with T. You see, my boyfriend, T, has not initiated future-based relationship talks, and I am being impatient. I am very turned off by having to take the initiative to try and decide the future together with T. Btw, I am nowhere near being ready to get married. So what should I do? Well if you're not ready to get married then what is there to talk about re the future ? You're already exclusive, even though you're not living up to your end of the bargain here. Anyway, to answer your question, I'm not sure. But I found myself feeling a certain amount of anger reading your thread. If I were T, I'd throw your lying azzz out on the street. Edited January 6, 2011 by Imajerk17
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Okay I should have started my thread like this and been more honest: I am having an emotional affair with O. I have failed to deal with the contention inside my relationship with T. You see, my boyfriend, T, has not initiated future-based relationship talks, and I am being impatient. I am very turned off by having to take the initiative to try and decide the future together with T. Btw, I am nowhere near being ready to get married. So what should I do? You were plenty honest in the first post. Your situation really can't be salvaged. You should walk away from both men. You have too much resentment to continue on with your current BF. Even if he were to propose tomorrow you would not be happy with him long term. I think this goes way beyond his commitment level. Regarding Cptn. Florida, only a total skeeze would do what he is doing. However I think you might be too insecure to be without a man. Do what you like regarding this guy, but you should be very realistic in approaching this relationship.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 All right well I haven't had the courage to deal with what I've had to deal with. The straight forward conversation I need with T is doomed to happen much sooner than I expected. I was hoping to selfishly keep him until spring. And yes I've tested the boundaries with O. He's in Florida, so I felt safe enough, but it got out of hand. I am thoroughly confident on what I need to do now. Thanks everyone, I would not have gotten here had it not been for your input and knocking some sense in me. I don't mean to sound a hero, but I certainly didn't want to go any lower. =D
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I don't mean to sound a hero, but I certainly didn't want to go any lower. =D I hope it goes well for you! Just remember T may try his best to win you back. You need to stay strong. In the end he won't change.
Imajerk17 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) He might try to win her back?? She's the only one to blame here! She needs to take responsibility for her cheating and lying. Hopefully T will be able to find a woman who will actually be loyal to him, instead of this one who goes running to other men as Ms Jollie has done. Edited January 7, 2011 by Imajerk17
sally4sara Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Joolie if you want someone to want to marry you, you have to give them more reasons than simply you wanting to get married. You have to show you're a stable person. Break up and make up tactics only show reason to doubt the marriage will last. Holding things in till you blow up or act out only show reason to doubt a marriage will last. If you're a stable person who is willing to put in the work and communication it takes to keep a relationship going in a healthy compassionate manner a marriage minded person will want to talk about it. when they think of getting married, it will be you they're thinking about. And I will say that in my own experience as well as the male friends I have, if you've been capable of all the things you will need to be able to do in a marriage (loyalty, communication, bringing up heavy topics, thinking beyond the wedding day) - you'll find men who do want to be married won't need to be wrangled down and forced to talk about it. Maybe T does want to be married one day. But to someone who breaks up when things don't go their way exactly when they want it, getting back together before addressing what ended it and finding a solution, turning to someone else rather than face what is going on in their current relationship? He doesn't really have a reason to be thinking about you as marriage material. You haven't told him about O, but honey not even once have I been with someone who stepped out have I not had a little voice in the back of my head that told me they were capable of it. You haven't told him but I wouldn't be surprised if he knew you were capable of it. He has been dealing with your MO for 4.5 years now. I doubt you're much of a mystery to him.
Imajerk17 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Great post sally4sara. You said it better than I could.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Well this is how it went. I didn't see T this past weekend. Instead we talked on Saturday and then again on Sunday. On Saturday, I told him again that our dating situation does not work for me and I wasn't interested in continuing on. I told him that I wanted more for him just like I wanted more for me. We ended the conversation with him agreeing that we needed to be open now on talking about a future together. I made no mention of O. On Sunday, I called him and we chatted for a bit before I really drove home my point. I said I wanted to meet up and give back his Christmas gifts. The response I got was "WHAT?!?" I said I was serious about what we had talked about. We ended the conversation with both of us agreeing that we need to talk and sort this out. Neither one of us wants to just throw this away. Again, I made no mention of O. Had it not been for O, I would not have placed such priority on getting to these conversations. Yet, it's because of O that we are having these conversations. ugh. And I see now that all this with O has stemmed from my resentment with T. I've truly been acting out instead of acting responsibly. My weekends are usually with T, but I have scheduled the next 3 weekends busy. I have booked my flight to Florida and have made plans to see Miami with O. I'm a mess. I want to be with T but I've already given him up apparently.
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Well this is how it went. I didn't see T this past weekend. Instead we talked on Saturday and then again on Sunday. On Saturday, I told him again that our dating situation does not work for me and I wasn't interested in continuing on. I told him that I wanted more for him just like I wanted more for me. We ended the conversation with him agreeing that we needed to be open now on talking about a future together. I made no mention of O. On Sunday, I called him and we chatted for a bit before I really drove home my point. I said I wanted to meet up and give back his Christmas gifts. The response I got was "WHAT?!?" I said I was serious about what we had talked about. We ended the conversation with both of us agreeing that we need to talk and sort this out. Neither one of us wants to just throw this away. Again, I made no mention of O. Had it not been for O, I would not have placed such priority on getting to these conversations. Yet, it's because of O that we are having these conversations. ugh. And I see now that all this with O has stemmed from my resentment with T. I've truly been acting out instead of acting responsibly. My weekends are usually with T, but I have scheduled the next 3 weekends busy. I have booked my flight to Florida and have made plans to see Miami with O. I'm a mess. I want to be with T but I've already given him up apparently. Liar. You do NOT want to be with T if you are making plans to see O. You're already cheating on T, so why would T want more from you. What do you bring to the table. Some girlfriend you EVER were. Reread Sally4Sara's posts again.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Liar. You do NOT want to be with T if you are making plans to see O. You're already cheating on T, so why would T want more from you. What do you bring to the table. Some girlfriend you EVER were. Reread Sally4Sara's posts again. I was so tired of my situation with T. I built up so much resentment. It's only NOW with pressure that we agree we need to 'talk about the future together.' I don't know how flattered I am by that with T. I'm disappointed with myself though for throwing our relationship away like this. This is not unrepairable at this point. But I do need to be completely honest with T on all this somehow.
JustJoe Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 You simply can't be honest with T can you, Joolie. If you ever get around to telling the truth, you might find that things will work out better for you. Right now, you are a cheater and a liar, wouldn't you like to be something more? You are not nearly ready for ANY kind of decent relationship. You really should tell T about O and I predict that T will save you the trouble of breaking up.
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I was so tired of my situation with T. I built up so much resentment. It's only NOW with pressure that we agree we need to 'talk about the future together.' I don't know how flattered I am by that with T. I'm disappointed with myself though for throwing our relationship away like this. This is not unrepairable at this point. But I do need to be completely honest with T on all this somehow. Ms Joolie, you only get what you give. You need to look at your own maturity. What would prompt T to give you more? Do NOT blame your cheating on your resentment. Take FULL CONTROL for what you did. This is no one's fault but your own. If you have any chance of saving this with T, you need to also cancel your trip to see O. You can't have it both ways.
Woggle Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I was so tired of my situation with T. I built up so much resentment. It's only NOW with pressure that we agree we need to 'talk about the future together.' I don't know how flattered I am by that with T. I'm disappointed with myself though for throwing our relationship away like this. This is not unrepairable at this point. But I do need to be completely honest with T on all this somehow. Why are you blaming him for this? This proves that you are nowhere close to being ready for marriage if this is how you deal with issues? Just dump him completely and be single for a while. You are not built for committed relationships yet.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I haven't lied to anyone. And I haven't cheated on T. What I've done is make all the preparations to dump T and move on with my life. My mind isn't just quite there yet. I'm thinking... wait, maybe things could work out with T. sigh. But only if I'm honest, right, and let him decide for his own.
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I can't believe the nerve of this chick! Expecting her boyfriend to give her more when she is cheating on him behind her back! What a {*censored myself for ls*}!
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I haven't lied to anyone. And I haven't cheated on T. What I've done is make all the preparations to dump T and move on with my life. My mind isn't just quite there yet. I'm thinking... wait, maybe things could work out with T. sigh. But only if I'm honest, right, and let him decide for his own. You have too lied. You've been leading a double life. So do you talk to O before or after you get off the phone with T? Or do you alternate nights? If this has any chance of it working, you need to cancel the trip to see O.
JustJoe Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Joolie, by not telling him about O, you are lying by omission, and you know that.
Woggle Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 And therein we have our typical modern female. Our society is doomed. I don't care what anyone says, the media and fembots are always highlighting male infidelity but that's just blame shifting and projection. Women are way bigger cheaters, because its way too easy and tempting for them. Guys - don't get married to these women, just pump and dump. I don't agree with you but actions like this are the cause the player mentality in men.
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 So, OP, when are you and T going to face each other and resolve your relationship? My advice would be two-fold: Face your BF ASAP and resolve this one way or another. Take the financial hit (as applicable) and go to Phoenix instead of Miami and process this (whatever 'this' is) alone. I've been O, many times, though with less transparency than offered in your situation, meaning I didn't know the woman was M or LTR. Such anecdotes are the basis for my 'women are single for ten seconds or less' theory. Thank you for adding another such anecdote. I hope things work out for you
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