Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) I've been dating T for 4.5 years on and off. We have now dated continuously for 1 year, so we're doing good, but over the last 6 months I've grown increasingly unsatisfied with our relationship. We love each other, but I know that what I want in a long term relationship is marriage. (Or I will stay happily single, tyvm.) So over the months I've been unhappy because T and I are not talking about our future together. In November, I told him our situation wasn't working for us. He held me close and assured me that what we have is real. There was no talk about our future, but he knows I'm looking at marriage. After a quiet couple of days, we resumed as usual and the discussion was dropped. The real conversation I need to have with him is about our future together. Our dating situation right now does not work for me and I want more. What 'more' looks like is deciding if marriage is what we are really wanting with each other. I will not move in with him before being married like he wants. (Might consider if we were engaged at least though.) Because I was unhappy and not feeling fulfilled, in November I began chatting with another man. I'll call him O. It started out as friendly, then in December we started flirting. On Christmas day, O clearly stated his intention to date me and things have only escalated from there. The thing with O is that he lives in Florida. I live in Texas. We met in Texas four months ago via a class I am taking. I have to travel with my class to Florida later this month, and yes O is going to be there. OR I can go to an alternate classroom in Phoenix and not see O. What I want to do though is go and spend a few days in Florida, and I want to see O. We've talked about spending time together while I'm there. O completely knows what's up and sees my dilemma. He tells me that one side of him wants me to pick him, and the other thinks this is not about him but about me. He wants me to clean things up so I either stay with T or end that relationship and go spend some time with him. T knows nothing of all this. All I know is that a discussion with us is pending about what we really want for our future together. I planned to really settle things by spring. But now this comes up and I need to make a choice now. So here's the situation.... I want to go to Florida and spend a few days with O. I will be in Florida from 1/28 to 2/2. T's birthday is 1/30, so I would be gone for that. There is no easy way to communicate this to T: I want to go to Florida with my class, so I will be gone for your birthday. Also, I met another man. He will be there and I have feelings for him. We are going to spend time together because I doubt you really want me in your life anyway. We need to break up and decide what we really want because I can't go on with a dating situation that doesn't work for me. I'm on the verge of leaving you because I've been unhappy with our situation. I love T and I really don't want to end things so suddenly for another man like this! But I need to do something and I can't see clearly anymore. What do I do?? Who do I let go? Edited January 6, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You are having an emotional affair with O. You need to decide what you want and quick. Nobody here can tell you who to choose. If you want to stay with T then you need to confess your sins, tell him the reasons that you're unhappy with your current relationship, and the two of you need to talk about whether you have a future or not. If you don't want to stay with T then you need to tell him he's blown his chances by not committing to you, that you've met someone else, and goodbye.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 you: I love you but I feel you are stringing me along, T. It's been almost 5 years and I want to take things to the next level. T: What we have is real, baby. you: ....ok... T answered your question. He doesn't want a future with you now, and maybe not ever. I know that hurts, but it's not about you, it's about HIM. So what do you do with this information? You ignore it. I understand...you love the guy. What I DON'T get is how you decide it's ok to just start talking to some other dude. You're cheating on your bf. It's called an emotional affair and you are right smack in the middle of it. Your current relationship isn't working out. It isn't giving you what you need, therefore you need to break up. You don't need to say anything about the other guy, why hurt your bf more? It's enough to say that you want more out of the relationship and since he's unwilling to take that step you are moving on. When that's taken care of, you can go ahead and go to Florida. However... Be careful with this guy, O. Often women end up in emotional affairs with men that they don't really know and wouldn't really end up dating had they been single. It takes a special kind of guy who gets involved with a woman who is dating someone else...usually that guy is either a major loser or a major jerk. Great guys with something to offer don't want to be a part of a nasty love triangle. So go to Florida but you may find out that O is other than you thought he was, or that he seemed great when compared to your ex but perhaps not quite what you were hoping for. Or he could be great, whatever. I find it interesting that you would betray your bf's trust by starting an emotional affair and then worry about breaking up with him close to his bday.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You're upset with your current relationship because there isn't enough talk about marriage. You know you want to be married so much so you will be single if you can't have that. Then why, when things are strained, do you start something new with someone else? Why are you so adamant about wanting to be married to one other person when an emotional transgression has you turning to someone out side of your relationship? You BF hasn't DONE something to you. You are upset because you FEEL he isn't as all about marriage as you are. Yet you're the one walking down cheater lane - not your BF. You're not acting like someone who could live up to marriage but you're using what you perceive to be a lack of interest in marriage to justify turning to someone outside of the relationship. You have a funny way of showing how ready you are for marriage. If you believe you won't still have moments of contention after marriage you're kidding yourself. I'd recommend learning to deal with contention in your relationship without turning to someone outside of the relationship before saying "I do" to anyone.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You're upset with your current relationship because there isn't enough talk about marriage. You know you want to be married so much so you will be single if you can't have that. Then why, when things are strained, do you start something new with someone else? Why are you so adamant about wanting to be married to one other person when an emotional transgression has you turning to someone out side of your relationship? You BF hasn't DONE something to you. You are upset because you FEEL he isn't as all about marriage as you are. Yet you're the one walking down cheater lane - not your BF. You're not acting like someone who could live up to marriage but you're using what you perceive to be a lack of interest in marriage to justify turning to someone outside of the relationship. You have a funny way of showing how ready you are for marriage. If you believe you won't still have moments of contention after marriage you're kidding yourself. I'd recommend learning to deal with contention in your relationship without turning to someone outside of the relationship before saying "I do" to anyone. Absolutely right on.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Yes, I am having an emotional affair with O. Yes, I have failed to deal with the contention inside my relationship. These are two big things I have to admit. Also, I am very turned off by having to take the initiative to try and decide the future together with T. This is actually something I admitted to T in November. Did that give him initiative to talk about our future? no. T is very much satisfied with the way things are and I am not. T is doing exactly what works for him but I have not done exactly what works for me. I have not had the conversation I need with T because I am afraid of losing him, yet I am unhappy and am now choosing this emotional affair that is leading to more unhappiness. Now I really have to clean things up with T. I'm leaning toward not mentioning the emotional affair thing but just dealing with our relationship but I don't know yet. And it doesn't quite make sense to run off and spend time with O right away. But I am leaning toward going to Florida and somehow just being cordial with him. I do want to see him. Edited January 6, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I feel like I've waited long enough for T. Everyone outside his family and his friends tell me not to wait for him like this. His family and his friends think T is so lucky to have me. I don't get it.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 No. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Either you stay in this relationship which is not giving you what you need, or you go elsewhere. You don't get to do both. Not even to be 'cordial'. What if you found out your bf was chatting with another girl, and went down to Florida to see her and then told you he was just 'cordial' with her? Like you'd believe that! Make a decision. Why don't you dump your bf since he obviously doesn't want to marry you? And then he can be free to find someone who doesn't cheat on him. And don't tell him about the other guy. Why? It would just hurt him more. This is about you and him, not about the other guy. The other guy is just a symptom of the actual problem.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I know I'm being kind of harsh. But I was in your shoes a couple years ago. And after 5 years he proposed to me...after I caught him in an emotional affair. And surprise surprise, the engagement fell through. Why? Same reason you have not been proposed to yet. He doesn't want to marry you. It hurts, but that's his issue. You should have left him when you realized the situation. Instead you start talking to someone else, which was a big mistake. Oh well. You live and learn. You have an opportunity to do the right thing here. Let go of a relationship that is not working for you, and find one that does. If you are such a good catch then you deserve to be with someone who can't wait to marry you, not someone who strings you along.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You've been in this off and on relationship for 4.5 years. Marriage needs stability to succeed. You've been on for a stretch of a year - 6 months of which you've been unhappy and for a period of that 6 months, you've been disrespecting the lower level commitment you and your BF have been having. I would not be considering marriage with you yet either. But you want to talk about it and that's fair enough. You want this talk so much so that you're looking to someone else and considering breaking up with the person you want/wanted to be married to. Your comfort level in initiating and steering this conversation be damned! Be bold, go for what you want with integrity and determination. Start that conversation. Talk about nothing else till you know where his head is at with it. You might find he FEELS you've been behaving too flaky to begin considering marriage as yet. After all, its been only a year without a break up and only half of it has made you happy. So why has marriage with this guy become such a sticking point with you? You say: I won't live with him before marriage (but I'll consider living together if he puts a ring on it). I don't feel comfortable initiating serious discussions about our future (but I want a future that requires bringing up serious subjects for the rest of my life) Do you see the disconnect? You want something you don't sound ready for but you're holding it against him for maybe not being ready for it with you either and using it to justify behavior that will only destroy a marriage. Are you sure you don't just want that ring and special pretty dress day?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Ok. Well it seems that I need to tell O no. No, O, I cannot spend time with you in Florida because I have just had a fall out with my boyfriend and need time. I also need to let go of T. T, I cannot continue the relationship because I have not been happy. I know that what I would want with you is marriage, even if that doesn't make sense right now. I can't let that go, and feel the better thing to do is just let us go.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know why I'm so hung up on marriage with T. Way back in 2006 though I chose him. I literally chose him, and since then I've not wanted to consider any other outcome than having him permanently in my life. It's silly but there it is.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Don't be a coward. It's like giving him a boiled egg, but only part of it is rotten.... It's impossible. Besides which, if you have the "ultimatum" talk, and then he finds you in O's arms, he's going to disbelieve your frankness anyway and think you were just fronting the talk and putting the 'lack of marriage' reason on his shoulders, when you never intended getting married at all, otherwise there wouldn't be another guy on the cards.... In other words, much as you protest your innocence and sincerity regarding the marriage talk, he won't believe your motives, and will simply see you as a cheater. if you intend to do the crime, it's your responsibility to come out with it. Damn, this is in reply to an earlier post.... but it would still stand.....
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I love it how some women justify their cheating with being "unhappy". I'm not sure you're really marriage material right now.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I love it how some women justify their cheating with being "unhappy". I'm not sure you're really marriage material right now. Ahh stuff it. Men do the same sometimes. You only show your ass when you focus on the gender rather than the act.
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Ahh stuff it. Men do the same sometimes. You only show your ass when you focus on the gender rather than the act. Yes, I feel that is just as bad when men cheat. I feel strongly about it either way. I'm just not sure that there are many men would feel as justified in their cheating as the OP does. Edited January 6, 2011 by Imajerk17
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yes, I feel that is just as bad when men cheat. I feel strongly about it either way. I'm just not sure that there are many men would feel as justified in their cheating as the OP does. Start dating them and you'll find out that cheating automatically means they got married too young/too fast/want more sex than they were getting and a whole string of other justifications for cheating before or after getting married without ending the relationship they are in first. Its the same damn thing just painted differently. But to assume men don't do the justification song and dance is well, kinda ****ty and sexist.
JustJoe Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know why I'm so hung up on marriage with T. Way back in 2006 though I chose him. I literally chose him, and since then I've not wanted to consider any other outcome than having him permanently in my life. It's silly but there it is.You want "T", permanently in your life, but you are lying to him and cheating on him with "O", is this how you show you're ready to settle down? Why don't you try being honest, maybe you'll get better results?
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 This right here shows you are not ready for marriage. I hate to insult but it actually seems like he dodged a bullet if this is how you deal with less than perfect times.
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 This right here shows you are not ready for marriage. I hate to insult but it actually seems like he dodged a bullet if this is how you deal with less than perfect times. No kidding. She is with this guy for a year and when this guy isn't sure after only 6 months, she starts running around. Some catch she is, huh. It sounds that Ms Joolie wrote this thread throwing herself a pity party ("poor me!! My boyfriend doesn't appreciate me! So I am going to run around") when in reality it's the opposite. T is right to have doubts about marrying someone he has only been dating a year. And if you keep on having these breakups in the 4.5 years you have been together, then that says something else. Maybe she's nagging him a lot? Think about how your confession is going to sound to T: "Because you don't seem to appreciate what a loyal and supportive partner I would be to you if you proposed, I've been having an affair behind your back for the past few months." By the way, I do like S4S's advice. Even though she said it more nicely than I would have, I do agree with her.
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 No kidding. She is with this guy for a year and when this guy isn't sure after only 6 months, she starts running around. Some catch she is, huh. It sounds that Ms Joolie wrote this thread throwing herself a pity party ("poor me!! My boyfriend doesn't appreciate me! So I am going to run around") when in reality it's the opposite. T is right to have doubts about marrying someone he has only been dating a year. And if you keep on having these breakups in the 4.5 years you have been together, then that says something else. Maybe she's nagging him a lot? Think about how your confession is going to sound to T: "Because you don't seem to appreciate what a loyal and supportive partner I would be to you if you proposed, I've been having an affair behind your back for the past few months." By the way, I do like S4S's advice. Even though she said it more nicely than I would have, I do agree with her. I agree and I love how you were called sexist for saying it is wrong for her to cheat.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I agree and I love how you were called sexist for saying it is wrong for her to cheat. He was called sexist for saying what she was doing was a feminine. Not for saying she was behaving poorly. But then sexist people rarely get the difference.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Dont bother with those two. They both have personal issues with women that color EVERY post they make. It's actually quite interesting how they make every situation to be about how awful women are instead of actually focusing on the issue.
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Dont bother with those two. They both have personal issues with women that color EVERY post they make. It's actually quite interesting how they make every situation to be about how awful women are instead of actually focusing on the issue. I am not the one that brought gender into it. Why is a man wrong for saying that she should not cheat and that this is proof she is not ready for marriage?
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