anogomous Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I am a female and have cheated in most of my relationships, even on my soulmate. It took me a while to realise this, but cheating is not wrong, it is just frowned upon. You can still very much love and be in love with someone, be attracted to them emotionally and physically.... and have feelings and connections with other people. Love is constantly fluxuating!! I may love someone alot and then not and then love them again. It's natural in context! What's unnatural is this clinging, expectational view of what love and relationships should be. I believe it is society that has forced monogomy upon us. I do believe in the idea of having a main partner and I think for the most part, if you love someone - and you two are bestfriends and have respect and admiration for each other - you will return to them naturally and it will work. If not, then move on. What i think is unnatural the idea of not to being attracted to other people. It is so limiting, so naive and absurd. Not to mention it creates unnecessary built-up resentment and tensions in what should be a natural and beautiful relationship in the experience of life. As you can see, I'm not endorsing dishonesty. My message here is that honesty is simply the best way to live and love. I wish everyone here good luck in their journey of self-acceptance and love.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 PNP, is that all you can come up with? Damn, that means it's a non-starter even before it's begun.... Happy Trolling, anogomous!!
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh go on then just for you TM... Is "fluxuating" even a real word?
ItsNeverForever Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh go on then just for you TM... Is "fluxuating" even a real word? Not even. What the flux!
Nightsky Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You should treat people the way you want to be treated. No one wants to be hurt, but that’s the predictable result of cheating. You end writing about honesty, and self acceptance. With these two elements cheating doesn’t exist, because I define it as breaking rules the individuals agreed too.
jenifer1972 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Your post makes no sense. Cheating and honesty are opposites. If you don't want to be monogamous, then tell your partner so he can get it on the side too. And by the way, none of us really care what you do, only what our partners do to us, and myself, I won't tolerate a lying cheater. And the word is " fluctuating"...
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 So someone that has cheated in every relationship that they have ever had justifies it by saying: 1. Cheating isn't wrong. 2. Monogamy is a)clinging b)forced c) means that you are never attracted to anyone else (). 3. If you are in love with someone and feel an impulse for someone else, it is okay to jump in the sack with them. 4. Peope shouldn't be so possessive. If we like and respect each other, we can just float around and be with whomever we want and maybe one day float back to each other with no emotional baggage or consequence. 5. Instead of taking responsibility for having fluctuating emotions and working on your own dynamic in the relationship, you should be free to just pop around to see if another partner can clean up the emotional mess if yours that you are unwilling to. I hate to point it out, but you do realize that you have an incredibly self-serving view of committment and connection with another person, right? How would popping in and out of a relationship every time you feel that impulse not create resentment? For starters.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh go on then just for you TM... Is "fluxuating" even a real word? It's about as real as 'monogomy'....
reservoirdog1 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I am a female and have cheated in most of my relationships, even on my soulmate. It took me a while to realise this, but cheating is not wrong, it is just frowned upon. You can still very much love and be in love with someone, be attracted to them emotionally and physically.... and have feelings and connections with other people. Love is constantly fluxuating!! I may love someone alot and then not and then love them again. It's natural in context! What's unnatural is this clinging, expectational view of what love and relationships should be. I believe it is society that has forced monogomy upon us. I do believe in the idea of having a main partner and I think for the most part, if you love someone - and you two are bestfriends and have respect and admiration for each other - you will return to them naturally and it will work. If not, then move on. What i think is unnatural the idea of not to being attracted to other people. It is so limiting, so naive and absurd. Not to mention it creates unnecessary built-up resentment and tensions in what should be a natural and beautiful relationship in the experience of life. As you can see, I'm not endorsing dishonesty. My message here is that honesty is simply the best way to live and love. I wish everyone here good luck in their journey of self-acceptance and love. It's simple. If you and your partner are in agreement that either of you can have sex with or develop deep emotional connections with other people, then by definition, doing so is NOT cheating. Because you're both on the same page, with the same expectations. At the core of cheating is dishonesty. Cheating can't exist without it. In a relationship that includes such an agreement, what you've written makes complete sense, and if it works for you and your partner, go with it and be happy. No judgment from me. But, if your partner has been living in a relationship with you under an expectation of monogamy, that's another matter. In that case, what you wrote is something you tell yourself -- and the partners you say you've cheated on -- ex post facto as a means of justifying your cheating, and thus, sorry to say, it's bullshyt. 'Nuff said.
Sanman Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 If you have cheated, you are being dishonest with your partner. If you are honest with your partner and they agree to it, you are involved in polyamory. So, are you trying to defend cheating by advocating polyamory?
dont-be-naive Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 You should treat people the way you want to be treated. No one wants to be hurt, but that’s the predictable result of cheating. well remember, she said that cheating isn't wrong. So I suppose hurting people isn't wrong. I'd like to see how many relationships with decent guys she'd have if she would tell them her philosophy up front while dating. If she were up front with this info, then all she would get is guys out for sex. Good men will avoid a "woman" like this.
shadowofman Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I agree with OP in all but one point. Cheating is wrong because it typically leads to lying. What one doesn't know will not hurt anyone. But inevitably the partner will ask if you have ever cheated. And then you have committed a wrong. Arguably a victim-less wrong. A white lie. It's the partner finding out which causes the hurt.
aisle_seat Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I agree with OP in all but one point. Cheating is wrong because it typically leads to lying. What one doesn't know will not hurt anyone. But inevitably the partner will ask if you have ever cheated. And then you have committed a wrong. Arguably a victim-less wrong. A white lie. It's the partner finding out which causes the hurt. Whoa...cheating is wrong because IT IS lying. Just because the person being cheated on doesn't know about it doesn't mean it's ok. It's lying by omission and that's the least of it. Yikes.
imagine Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I miss the discussion! This is the same thing as "what is truth" but with relationship overtones. Ignore her word "soulmate" because he is the flavour of the day (common with many WS's" Practically, what do you get with multiple relationships: I propose -dissipated loyalty, choice of partner (I choose the on with the most benefits now), loss of sexual exclusivity (I'll be friends with this guy but I will rather pump that guy) Ignoring the obvious STDs and consequences of hurt feelings, who will stay with me in sickness and in health, in joy and sorrow. This is all about "me" and getting the best deal. While you may think that you are a self made man/woman - I contend that we never are....
Linda9999 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Saying that what you don't know won't hurt you is ludicrous. If the WS gets an STI and passes it on to the BS, they have been hurt, big time. If the WS gets eaten up by guilt and therefore feels it's necessary to break up with the BS and not tell, the BS has been hurt big time. Even if the WS doesn't feel remorse and just keeps fooling around, the BS can be hurt by others who DO know.
shadowofman Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Strawman! STD are not a part of this conversation. We are assuming that intellect swingers wear condoms. Omission is not lying. If I ate a sandwich earlier today and didn't tell my SO, did I lie. Absolutely not. But if ten years from now, SO asks if I've ever eaten a sandwich without her, and I say no; well then I'm a lier. Is that a tremendous lie? Does it matter? Would it matter if I lie about a fling I had with someone else years ago? All white lies to me.
jenifer1972 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I don't think a sandwich and sex can be equated!
Woggle Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Why not just find somebody that wants an open relationship like you and live happily ever after? Do it honestly and I have no issue with it but don't lie to an innocent person who thinks you are faithful.
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 To bed, probably. Whose, we're not sure though.....
dont-be-naive Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Why not just find somebody that wants an open relationship like you and live happily ever after? Do it honestly and I have no issue with it but don't lie to an innocent person who thinks you are faithful. and also don't complain when your partner goes out and get his/hers from someone else. swing, or dont swing. screw people other than your significant other, or don't.
dont-be-naive Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Where did the OP go? back under the bridge
Author anogomous Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) good everyone get those feelings out! Good question Sanman! I am talking about polyamory. I thought cheating meant being with multiple partners outside of your chosen main relationship, despite if the person knows about it or not. I guess what im trying to get across is if someone is in a monogomous relationship with someone and they are thinking of cheating.... perhaps instead of doing that they should talk to their partner about polyamory, which would eradicate the dishonesty factor, and the other partner can choose whether to understand their partners explorations and give it a go, or, if the idea is against their personal values, they can choose to move on from the relationship. When people cheat, there is something that they want external of the relationship... I think that cheating and disloyalty only arises because of fear of honesty with their partner - for instance, thinking that there partner will only love them if they are a certain way. Which is true to most people - we are not perfect, we can't always give such unconditional love and that's ok. Cheaters are people too. Let's take some labels off them for a second and look at it subjectively. Cheating and dishonesty are born out of fear. Dishonesty is caused by a barrier in communication, believing they will be reprimanded. Cheaters are scared to confront not only themselves about their issues but their loved ones about their feelings. Cheaters have issues that they need to confront. People that have been hurt by cheating, also need to have a level of understanding before they can move on.... How would you feel if someone cheated on you? Betrayed, angry, lost, broken trust, that they are scum etc Ok let's explore that... Why do you feel that way? - because they broke the relationship contract, broke trust, hurt me etc - because i am jealous, i feel unloved, i have a lot of unanswered questions, i deserve better. - because i would never do that!! If I cheated it means i have no respect, consideration, care or love for my partner what so ever. I would like to now correlate this with how you might feel about someone that cuts themselves... Why do people cut themselves? - because they have issues - because they are addicted to the adrenalin rush it produces - because they want attention Some, if not most, people cut themselves because they have issues. For someone who thinks people cut themselves for attention - it can be true, but let's look at your own values here - hypothetically if you ever decided to cut yourself, what reason mentioned above is the most plausible to you? Would it be for attention? Now we can see how our own values and beliefs are counter-transfered onto someone else. How we view things and how others view things are not the same. For people suffering heart ache and shock from being cheated on. What ever the circumstances are surrounding it - if you are in pain or having an internal conflict, knowing this may alleviate some level of hurt: you are not why this has happened. Cheaters have issues, others are just cold-hearted - You will know the difference between a cheater who has issues (cheaters who are sorry and want a chance to make things work vs ones that just don't care). If you are struggling with forgiving a cheater i urge you to communicate freely with them, look at your feelings and understand both your own values and beliefs and your partners to gain further insight and understanding that will hopefully dissipate that anxiety as things will become clearer in your mind which will lead you to have an inner clarity where you can comfortably choose what is best for you. Edited January 9, 2011 by anogomous
dont-be-naive Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 uh, anog. Its real simple. If cheaters don't get everything they want and every little need met by being in a monogomous relationship, then they shouldn't be in a monogomous relationship. if they are fit for marriage or committed relationships, then they need to stay out of them.
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