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"I want to start as friends first"


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Posted
I guess I am one of those guy's you are referring to. I recently registered on OCK because you guy's made me curious and maybe find some people with the same interests so we could have a nice talk.

 

I also stated in my profile that I am not looking for a girlfriend. I am not ready yet and I want to be single for a while and be happy on my own.

 

And even if a girl would approach me that seems very genuine and nice; I want to take the time to get to know each other. I don't want to rush things. I want to have a bond before I do anything romantically or sexually. I also want to start out as friends. No need for any pressure.

And what if a gal you met kept you at arms' length where intimacy was concerned, but you got that over-the-top sexual vibe from her which made you uncomfortable with her personality? Would you feel comfortable telling her why you weren't interested?
Posted
And what if a gal you met kept you at arms' length where intimacy was concerned, but you got that over-the-top sexual vibe from her which made you uncomfortable with her personality? Would you feel comfortable telling her why you weren't interested?

 

Good communication and honesty= Key

Posted
If the "anything" they had to say might hurt your feelings, that could be the situation. But the common denominator in all these situations is you, unfortunately. :o

 

I'd much rather have someone be honest and possibly hurt my feelings instead of just disappearing. Sure, it sucks to be the one to reject people, I've had to do it quite a bit myself. But I'm always honest in doing so, which is more than I can clearly say for others.

Posted
I'd much rather have someone be honest and possibly hurt my feelings instead of just disappearing. Sure, it sucks to be the one to reject people, I've had to do it quite a bit myself. But I'm always honest in doing so, which is more than I can clearly say for others.

Well, of course, but just because THOSE guys did that doesn't mean the guy in the OP's thread is one of them. Unless you're fishing from the same dating pool. :lmao:

Posted
Well, of course, but just because THOSE guys did that doesn't mean the guy in the OP's thread is one of them. Unless you're fishing from the same dating pool. :lmao:

 

Of course not. I was merely bringing up my experiences. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be friends first and acting in that manner. It's something I'm trying myself, so far with mixed results, but dating is a crapshoot anyway. What I do have a problem with, I already stated, and in my experience it's been the "friends first" guys who engage in it.

Posted
"I want to start as friends first"

 

I am a bit confused by "friends first". Does he mean friends with benefits? Does he mean platonic friends? I kind of find it hard to beleive that any guy wants to be "platonic friends" first.

 

'What do you mean by friends first?'

 

Simple communication.

 

I'll share my version, based on a lifetime of getting to know women this way.

 

1. Meet

2. Enjoy the person's company

3. Find them attractive (e.g. 'chemistry')

4. Desire to get to know them better to determine compatibility

5. If mutual, more dates occur

6. If chemistry and the perceived levels of compatibility are positive, intimacy increases

7. As intimacy increases, expression of that intimacy is desired and effected

8. Eventually, that expression includes sexual intimacy

 

This man is on a 'dating' site. If he wished to make female 'friends', he'd post on a site like LS or a mutual interests site or just make friends in real life. He wants to date someone with the prospect of getting married and starting a family.

 

If you want to know what he means by friends first, *ask him*. Good luck :)

Posted

i wouldn't over-analyze something like that he's said in his online profile. i'd take it to mean that he wants to get to know someone for a bit first before being in a serious relationship, which is what most people do anyway.

Posted

I think it is a great idea to be friends first with someone you would like to date. I don't mean friends - as in this is the person you call to bitch and moan about your life. Yet someone who you take your time to get to know.

 

With online dating - I think many of us are so caught in the idea of dating- we don't actually take the time to get to know someone. We are so caught up in the world wind of dating that we forget that a partner can actually also be a friend.

 

If this is said to someone after being on dates. Then I will say it is just an easy way to get out of it. Yet that isn't the cause in this situation. I think he sounds like a great guy who may actaully be very level headed.

Posted

If he's as good-looking as the OP implies, he may deal with an issue similar to what the OP apparently has dealt with, meaning other people go for the superficial good looks without really caring to get to know the person within. I imagine this can be frustrating. I've had many good-looking female friends and this has been a common complaint. Within that dynamic lies the differing relationship/attraction style equation. Prior, it was a frustration that some of them wished for people to get to know them as a person (friends first) yet they were attracted (through their own words and actions) to the superficial aspects of men; now it is acceptance that they have a disconnected and incompatible attraction style and can only ever be friends or acquaintances.

 

IMO, if the OP gets a clarification of the man's 'style' and it doesn't match up with her historical and current style, she should act decisively on that information. Grossly, if she believes in love at first sight and he believes in being friends first, that's likely incompatible. In practice, it's usually more subtle, but still an important aspect of 'getting to know each other'. Honest communication is helpful. Hope it works out :)

Posted

I think it's nice if he really wants to be friends first, as in get to know you as a person before he sleeps with you and all that. However, if he wants to be friends first but advance the sexuality quickly, I'd assume that he had commitment issues. So, it all depends on how the romance, friendship, and sexuality move along together.

Posted

Probably trying to get you to let your guard down so you'll sleep with him more quickly. "I want to be friends first", is nothing more than a glittering generality; it's a bait line. He'll either like you and want to date you, or he won't, no guy wants to be waste time being friends when the methods of getting to know each other are the exact same for friends or dates...talking/learning about each other and hanging out. Just think about it, it's illogical, as has been pointed out several times.

 

It's vague, but it makes him look genuine..best way to get laid especially using online dating. Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto him because that's the tactic I went with and it worked, and worked, and worked, until I felt so guilty because of how systematic it became that I couldn't even face the women to tell them it was over. Just be cautious and don't compromise your own rules just because seems genuine and you should be alright.

Posted
Probably trying to get you to let your guard down so you'll sleep with him more quickly. "I want to be friends first", is nothing more than a glittering generality; it's a bait line.
Maybe for a douchebag, yeah.

 

OP, I wouldn't convict this guy so quickly, especially based on the thought process of someone who would be so juvenile as to put up a pretense in order to get laid.

Posted

If the guy is as hot in person as he appears to the OP online, he could speak (or write) no words at all and garner the attention of many. I guess Saturday will tell. If he confirms and the date goes off as scheduled, that would tell me a lot about him. Whether there's any chemistry, only he and the OP will know. Hotness is wonderful but not always indicative of elemental chemistry, hence one impetus to being 'friends first' ;)

Posted
If the guy is as hot in person as he appears to the OP online, he could speak (or write) no words at all and garner the attention of many.
Yeah, you're right about that Carhill. I guess the juvenile game playing is most likely reserved for those who couldn't get laid honestly if their life depended on it. :D
Posted

donnamaybe, I didn't put it on my profile, I just meant that I was vague and "genuine"(I never lied) when talking to women, rather than overt and pushy like a lot of guys that are on dating sites just to get laid. And I don't care who you are, "I want to be friends first", doesn't mean ****. If you find someone you really click with, you don't want to just be friends.

 

Did you read the second paragraph of my post? I said, maybe I'm just projecting myself onto him, and told her not to do anything she wouldn't normally do, how is that a conviction?

Posted (edited)
And I don't care who you are, "I want to be friends first", doesn't mean ****. If you find someone you really click with, you don't want to just be friends.
But the key word here is "first." Friends "first." Of course you don't date to be JUST friends, but being friends "first" indicates there would be more to follow and that being friends is a higher priority than just getting laid.

 

Claiming that wanting to be friends first is because he is "Probably trying to get you to let your guard down so you'll sleep with him more quickly" and "nothing more than a glittering generality; it's a bait line" is most certainly a conviction of the guy's intentions.

Edited by donnamaybe
Posted
'What do you mean by friends first?'

 

Simple communication.

 

I'll share my version, based on a lifetime of getting to know women this way.

 

1. Meet

2. Enjoy the person's company

3. Find them attractive (e.g. 'chemistry')

4. Desire to get to know them better to determine compatibility

5. If mutual, more dates occur

6. If chemistry and the perceived levels of compatibility are positive, intimacy increases

7. As intimacy increases, expression of that intimacy is desired and effected

8. Eventually, that expression includes sexual intimacy

 

This man is on a 'dating' site. If he wished to make female 'friends', he'd post on a site like LS or a mutual interests site or just make friends in real life. He wants to date someone with the prospect of getting married and starting a family.

 

If you want to know what he means by friends first, *ask him*. Good luck :)

Brilliant post. It's exactly how I feel about dating.

 

Just because I don't try to kiss somebody on the first date, or try to have sex with them within the first week of knowing them, doesn't mean I don't like them or have friendzoned them.

 

It takes me a little while to start cooking, that doesn't mean I don't get hot.

 

donnamaybe also has a good point. Friends first, does not equal friends only.

Posted

This is one of the few threads on LS that has actually shocked me.

 

The fact that some of you find it strange that two people should actually get to know each other as people speaks volumes as to why you have problems with relationships.

Posted (edited)

donnamaybe, you're right. What I should have said was, that it is most certainly a projection of myself onto this guy. Sure, I guess he is entitled to the benefit of the doubt, but she asked for thoughts and I gave her mine; I should have left it at my experience and observations of others rather than speak to his intentions at all.

 

I still don't understand why you think my opinion invalid, considering I'm guilty of doing exactly what she is presumably afraid of. I figured it wouldn't hurt to have the opinion of a good looking guy that took advantage of online dating to sleep with a slew of women. I started out looking for a relationship, but once it became apparent a lot of the women on there were good looking but had a bunch of other flaws(simple, clingy, lazy) coupled with the fact that I had seemingly hit the pussy jackpot it became very difficult to take it seriously. Add in that new women were constantly messaging me, it's very difficult for anyone to turn down that attention. I still have a friend and a coworker that still use OKC and both are good looking, successful guys with no problem getting women IRL. We've discussed our methods and they're all generally the same, be general, vague, reassuring, and let women that really want to make a relationship work, talk themselves out of their pants. That's 3 out of 3 men that I know that use online dating just to increase their flow of pussy, and while not a large test group, 100% isn't good odds, and from what she's said(which is all I have to go on), this guy fits the bill.

 

OceanGirl, you should also ask how long he's been on there. If it's longer than a couple weeks, I'd seriously doubt he's only met 3 women.

Edited by BackUpOrGetStung
Posted

Backup, if you are seriously looking for a relationship, why are you taking adavantage of pathetic women who measure their worth by how many men they screw?

Posted

Backup, if you are seriously looking for a relationship, why are you taking adavantage of pathetic women who measure their worth by how many men they screw?

 

I started out looking for a relationship, but it degraded into the charade that I described for a couple of reasons. Sadly, the most influential reason was my options and the fact that so many women were initiating with me.

 

For the most part, they weren't pathetic women measuring their worth by how many men they screw. They were generally nice, professional women and they gave me the benefit of the doubt. I showered them with attention, led them to believe I wanted and LTR(without flat out lying), and then I'd manufacture a flaw or exacerbate a small one of theirs and cut them loose when the next girl I had on the hook was ready to meet up. One of the reasons it went on for as long as it did, is that sex with someone who has an emotional attachment is much better than drunk sex with a bar slut, and it's also also a lot more challenging(****ed up, I know). Once I came out of denial and realized how much I was hurting good people and the fact that I was treating good women like trash, I stopped.

Posted
The guy that I am going on a date with on Saturday, wrote in his profile that he is looking to start out as friends and then see where it goes. He also wrote that he is after a LTR and wants a girl that ultimately wants to settle down and have a family.

 

 

I am a bit confused by "friends first". Does he mean friends with benefits? Does he mean platonic friends? I kind of find it hard to beleive that any guy wants to be "platonic friends" first.

 

When I spoke to him on the phone, he asked me how many men have I met off OKC. When I asked him the same question, he just said "3, I am just meeting people, having a chat" - which sounds really casual.

 

Sidenote: He is extremely good looking. 6'3", ripped, dark long-ish hair, green eyes, olive complexion.

 

What's your take on this?

 

 

Sounds like he is looking for a casual hook up.

Posted
Sounds like he is looking for a casual hook up.

Your LS handle fits you PERFECTLY! :)

Posted
Your LS handle fits you PERFECTLY! :)

 

 

Why because I have a difference of opinion? Are you one of those combative posters? ;)

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