Ellin Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 But if THIS BS is such a HORRIBLE person, and having sex with her is SO very distasteful (as reported by the WS), then why in the world would he EVER want to go back to her after a D? I wasn't talking about this case, I was responding to C4N who made a general statement.
Ellin Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Sorry to hear what you are going through BambooSticks. Sadly your 7-year adventure only validates once again why affairs are so dangerous and uncertain. Simply shy away from married or "separated" men/women. That seems to be the only way you can be sure you're not going to be thrown under a bus months.. or years later. It's now time to go total No Contact, maybe try some counseling, and give yourself ample time to regroup and heal from your MM's decision. LOL!! So single men never "throw a woman under a bus". What world are you living in?
jwi71 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 According to BambooSticks he said the THOUGHT of making love to his W sickens him, not that he has made love to her!! I know. And I took it to mean he would - like a sense of dread of what he "must" do. Otherwise, to me, the thought wouldn't enter his mind.
Confused4Now Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Papers are no guarantee either. If MM is so undecided he can get a D and after living with OW for some time he can go back to xW and no papers can stop him, if both he and xW agree to give it another go. As we read here many of these BW are willing to take WS back.Well I agree but your chances are always greater if the divorce is done...and if ex's do get back together you then have to look at what split them up in the first place and that would be another discussion.
Ellin Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I know. And I took it to mean he would - like a sense of dread of what he "must" do. Otherwise, to me, the thought wouldn't enter his mind. I see. I don't think, however, that this thought could enter his mind only in the circumstances you mentioned. Maybe Bamboo can make it clearer.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I know someone who was with a MM for over 5 years, he left and got divorced and moved in with her. He told her he was going to marry her and for financial reasons he ended up marrying the XW, again. I think that it just goes to show that toxic relationships are really hard to break away from. And if you are with one of these men, they don't get "real" relationships, they just recognize, and respond to, toxicity. Steer clear of those men. GEL
SunsetRed Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I've also heard of women who lived with a separated man for years. They didn't "rock the boat" and allowed him to continue the "business" relationship he had with the wife, while the two of them supposedly had the real relationship. Then the guy dies and the wife steps in and claims everything she has the legal right to claim, including property and money the separated man and live in gf had accumulated. There's just danger all around with a man who is still legally married. Of course, any relationship can go sour, even if your bf/gf is single. The trouble with the legally married people is that you are forced to compete wity someone who will always have the upper hand and way more power than you do.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 A living will could take care of that, with reliable witness signatures and a good lawyer. Anyway, I agree completely, having a relationship with a single man LT and no hope of the ex coming back is one thing, but when it comes to death, how awful to go through something like that and have an ex come interfer, take what isn't hers in a house or savings that isn't hers either.
pureinheart Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 And you have verified this right? I mean, you have seen his pay stubs and seen the bills right? Why can't his kids support themselves now? Why can't he sell the car or bike? And how didn't his lawyer get a more equitable decree? Most courts have standing orders when it comes to D and typically the party staying in the marital home is still jointly responsible for half. How did he "get" all these bills and the W owes nothing? Heard too many stories here to swallow this - it sounds like a grossly unfair settlement. Even though exDM came out good in the D, he still had to pay ALL of the bills during the D. They had 3 houses and a lot of vehicles. Two houses were paid for and one was a large payment...he stayed in one of them (all three of the houses were in a row on the same street). He had to make all of the property tax payments, insurance, and house payment for the one he was in...and all of the other stuff that goes along with the upkeep of three houses. His W did not pay one dime during the D.
SoMovinOn Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I can't, for the life of me, imagine ANY person staying in a marriage because of bills. More people in a household means more living expenses to pay. Huh? Spouses living together - each makes around $50,000 - combined income is then around $100,000. From that, they pay a $2,000 mortgage together. They also have other bills based on their income. If they split up, they now have 2 mortgages (or rent), 2 electric bills, 2 gas bills, etc. ... it is much easier, and less expensive to combine incomes and maintain a single dwelling than it would be to support two separate dwellings.
SoMovinOn Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 ...he says he hates her and the thought of making love to her sickens him... To be blunt, if a chick sickened me, little Willy would protest and just stay little. ... but that's just me. I've known plenty of guys that could stick their tool into anything with a hole in it.
donnamaybe Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Huh? Spouses living together - each makes around $50,000 - combined income is then around $100,000. From that, they pay a $2,000 mortgage together. They also have other bills based on their income. If they split up, they now have 2 mortgages (or rent), 2 electric bills, 2 gas bills, etc. ... it is much easier, and less expensive to combine incomes and maintain a single dwelling than it would be to support two separate dwellings.All I know is, since I was the one who was more frugal AND actually adept at earning a regular paycheck in my M, I actually did BETTER after I booted the ignorant JA out. And, no. I didn't get alimony or any of the other ridiculous over-the-top items that so many men claim women ALWAYS get in divorce court. I was simply able to control my OWN finances without some careless idiot throwing in the same old monkey wrench.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I know someone who was with a MM for over 5 years, he left and got divorced and moved in with her. He told her he was going to marry her and for financial reasons he ended up marrying the XW, again. I think that it just goes to show that toxic relationships are really hard to break away from. And if you are with one of these men, they don't get "real" relationships, they just recognize, and respond to, toxicity. Steer clear of those men. GEL "toxic" as described by an OW.
donnamaybe Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 "toxic" as described by an OW. Or more like "toxic" as told TO the OW by the lying, cheating WS.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Or more like "toxic" as told TO the OW by the lying, cheating WS. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
redcurls Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think that it just goes to show that toxic relationships are really hard to break away from. And if you are with one of these men, they don't get "real" relationships, they just recognize, and respond to, toxicity. Wow. Thank you for this. I know its not the subject of this thread, but, these words just hit home for me today.
NoIDidn't Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think his "thought of making love to her" comment was telling too. Bamboo, nurture yourself and your heart. It sounds like he is telling his W he is coming back to the M, not to the shared expenses. Sounds like he thinks he's going to have to make nice and make love to get from under this debt. And it shouldn't have to be that way. He's only prolonging the inevitable (moving out again) if he really doesn't want to be there. I'd call to verify, because he might come sniffing back actually making you the OW again if you are willing. And it doesn't sound like you are wanting that option.
Author BambooSticks Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I think his "thought of making love to her" comment was telling too. Bamboo, nurture yourself and your heart. It sounds like he is telling his W he is coming back to the M, not to the shared expenses. Sounds like he thinks he's going to have to make nice and make love to get from under this debt. And it shouldn't have to be that way. He's only prolonging the inevitable (moving out again) if he really doesn't want to be there. I'd call to verify, because he might come sniffing back actually making you the OW again if you are willing. And it doesn't sound like you are wanting that option. I think I expressed the "Making Love To Her" part incorrectly... His response was something like "you talk about me and that woman being together in that way and it makes me sick... not because you say it, but because you feel it".
NoIDidn't Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I think I expressed the "Making Love To Her" part incorrectly... His response was something like "you talk about me and that woman being together in that way and it makes me sick... not because you say it, but because you feel it". LOL, yeah, I'd say the original was "unclear". LOL. He's hamming it up though. Were you willing for him to move in with you? I'm just not understanding why going back to the marital home is going to help him, if the goal is just to merge expenses so he has less. Wouldn't that have occurred if he moved in with you? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for you not allowing him to mooch off of you. Good for you, is what I say to not entering into financial bonds with him. It would really have been disastrous for you emotionally AND financially if he was going to end up doing the same thing. Something is off here. I can't tell you what. But there is definitely something hinky about this story.
Author BambooSticks Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 He's only prolonging the inevitable (moving out again) if he really doesn't want to be there.QUOTE] That's exactly what I think, too.
Author BambooSticks Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Were you willing for him to move in with you? I'm just not understanding why going back to the marital home is going to help him' date=' if the goal is just to merge expenses so he has less. Wouldn't that have occurred if he moved in with you? [/quote'] I'm in another country and can't get in without a visa...so I'm stuck. When they said they were increasing his rent, he tried finding flatmates and just couldn't in time. He was at his weakest state, emotionally, stressfully, financially, and physically. That evil manipulative BW got him at his weakest moment.
greengoddess Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I'm in another country and can't get in without a visa...so I'm stuck. When they said they were increasing his rent, he tried finding flatmates and just couldn't in time. He was at his weakest state, emotionally, stressfully, financially, and physically. That evil manipulative BW got him at his weakest moment. lol is this for real?
NoIDidn't Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Or, she offered him a viable option of sleeping on the couch since you aren't in the same country with him. So, is your R with him over because he's moving back into the marital home? Or will you two continue limited contact because of his living arrangements? Does his going home end (Complete NC) your R? Or are you just angry that he's going back home for financial reasons? Maybe what's off is the telling of the story, not the story itself? Have you guys ever lived in the same country? Has your R always been conducted over the internet?
fooled once Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 All I know is, since I was the one who was more frugal AND actually adept at earning a regular paycheck in my M, I actually did BETTER after I booted the ignorant JA out. And, no. I didn't get alimony or any of the other ridiculous over-the-top items that so many men claim women ALWAYS get in divorce court. I was simply able to control my OWN finances without some careless idiot throwing in the same old monkey wrench. well I got screwed then in my divorce... I got all the debt, I paid for the divorce, got no alimony and accepted 1/2 the state guidelines in C/S. I packed 1/2 of our belongings for him - from silverware to furniture - he didn't pay for any of our son's "extra's" like most divorces (medical, school fees, dental, etc). I walked away dirt poor but FREE - money can be made again, bills get paid, but I got to be FREE OF HIM!!! I'm in another country and can't get in without a visa...so I'm stuck. When they said they were increasing his rent, he tried finding flatmates and just couldn't in time. He was at his weakest state, emotionally, stressfully, financially, and physically. That evil manipulative BW got him at his weakest moment. Why exactly is his WIFE evil and manipulative? He had 3 long years to get it taken care of and he didn't. He CHOSE to go back to her. He CHOSE that route. What exactly did she do to YOU that makes her evil and manipulative? I am confused.
NoIDidn't Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Folks, don't get too worked up over the "evil manipulative W" comment. Its not worth it and the OP is entitled to her feelings about the W, whether or not they have any basis in truth. I had to go back and re-read the OP. I'm curious about a few things, OP. You say you guys are long distance and only see each other every few months. And you mention that he asked your parents about marrying you. But he "wrote" you to tell you that he's going home. And that, due to his debts and busy work schedule, that your contact with each other had dwindled. Truthfully, I'm skeptical about his version of "going home" considering you haven't seen him in months and have no way of knowing really where he was living before he wrote you and told you he was going back. I don't want to take creative license with your story, so please tell me if I'm wrong. Just that the re-reading seems to paint this as an internet relationship and that he could have presented himself however he wanted to with your inability to get a VISA.
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