Ex lied about reasons for breakup

January 6, 2011

Ok. So some of may know that roughly around 5 months ago my ex and i broke up. Her reason for breaking up was that she wanted to move once she graduates this year and that she has dreams and goals that she wants to to accomplish. She also told me that she still loved me and that this was not the reason for the breakup. At the time she also said that if she was going to be with anyone it would be me, but because she's moving it wouldn't work out. So anyways, I won't go into details but I found out a few days ago that she has a new "boyfriend" or fling or something. So basically everything she told me was a lie and i'm hurting really bad. We stayed in lc after we broke up for a little while and during that time she would say how shes lonely and misses me, and couldnt wait to see me once i was home for break. Now it all seems like bs to me. I'm just very angry at her for hurting me all over again. Am I being irrational for being so angry at her? I mean I know she's single and free to do as she likes but this goes against everything she told me.

Edited January 6, 2011 by deadhead88

January 6, 2011

I'm starting to think 90% of the reasons people give for breaking up are lies. "I need to be on my own" followed by "No, there's not somebody else" almost CERTAINLY means:

"I screwed a dude last weekend and it felt really good and sex was new and exciting again. I now know that he wants more than a one-night stand, and having learned this, I'm leaving you now to go have sex with this new guy until it gets boring, and realize that this new relationship is very empty. Then I will attempt to get you to date me again until I cheat on you with another douche-bag who wants more than a one-night stand. I plan on doing this until I suck the life out of your ego AND give you herpes"

Now you know why they lie....

January 6, 2011

right on the money.

January 6, 2011

Ok. So some of may know that roughly around 5 months ago my ex and i broke up. Her reason for breaking up was that she wanted to move once she graduates this year and that she has dreams and goals that she wants to to accomplish. She also told me that she still loved me and that this was not the reason for the breakup. At the time she also said that if she was going to be with anyone it would be me, but because she's moving it wouldn't work out. So anyways, I won't go into details but I found out a few days ago that she has a new "boyfriend" or fling or something. So basically everything she told me was a lie and i'm hurting really bad. We stayed in lc after we broke up for a little while and during that time she would say how shes lonely and misses me, and couldnt wait to see me once i was home for break. Now it all seems like bs to me. I'm just very angry at her for hurting me all over again. Am I being irrational for being so angry at her? I mean I know she's single and free to do as she likes but this goes against everything she told me.

If they leave you, it's for somebody else or for the opportunity to be with somebody else. It doesn't necessarily mean she lined up your replacement behind your back before breaking up with you. It just means she wanted to let you down gently and not hurt your ego.

Edited January 6, 2011 by GreenPolicy

January 6, 2011

That's what i think as well. But that makes this even more difficult to deal with. It also seems that she was just easing her guilt and making sure she looked like a "good person" after the break up because she was always selfish. I'm just so torn up and hurt. At the same time i'm also ver angry with her and her new guy. I did so much for her and jumped through so many hoops for her. This guy doesn't know anything about her and doesn't know or care about anything her and I had for a year. She doesn't either it seems.

January 6, 2011

That's what i think as well. But that makes this even more difficult to deal with. It also seems that she was just easing her guilt and making sure she looked like a "good person" after the break up because she was always selfish. I'm just so torn up and hurt. At the same time i'm also ver angry with her and her new guy. I did so much for her and jumped through so many hoops for her. This guy doesn't know anything about her and doesn't know are care about anything her and I had for a year.

My ex told me she can't be in a r/l right now. What that really means is she can't be in a r/l with me anymore. She's a very devout Christian, so I think it's highly unlikely she cheated on me. She also said she has to be alone. What that really means is she has to be apart from me. She also said she has to be single. What that really means is that rather than go ahead and get married to me like we had planned on, she doesn't want to settle down and doesn't want something as serious right away as what we had. It doesn't mean she's going to go on some sort of extended years-long sabbatical from dating and romance, but it also doesn't necessarily mean she lined up my replacement. I'll never know for sure. If a guy pursues her that she finds attractive, she'll entertain his advances. I'm in NC and don't want to know what she's up to.

That's probably what happened with your girl. She met a guy. It happens. If she wanted to be with you, she would not have broken up. There WILL be a replacement, whether it's 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years after the b/u. Instead of pining after her, work on improving yourself and then find her replacement.

January 6, 2011

It also seems that she was just easing her guilt and making sure she looked like a "good person" after the break up because she was always selfish.

This is exactly the case IMO. When a person lies when they break up with you, they arent doing it for sweet/caring reasons like "letting you down easy to save your ego". They are doing it for selfish reasons. They want to APPEAR to be a good, level-headed person who doesn't need to jump from relationship to relationship. They also don't want to look like a slut...or worse, have you start putting the pieces of the puzzle together only to realize this new guy overlapped your relationship by 30 days or more.

This guy doesn't know anything about her and doesn't know or care about anything her and I had for a year. She doesn't either it seems.

That's the problem with serial daters. They don't care who cares and who doesn't or how much. They are drawn to new and exciting. The mystery attracts them. They are in love with the PROCESS of falling in love, not the actual people who are unlucky enough to be drawn in to their tractor beam.

January 6, 2011

I work with a young girl that broke up with a guy because she wanted to date someone new. She didn't tell him that was the reason, people seldom will! She gave him a similar generic break up reason that your girl gave you because she didn't want to hurt him, and she wanted to keep that option open should things not work out with the new guy.

It's sad, but true- people aren't always forthright with their reasons about leaving someone. It shouldn't matter what her real reasons are in the end- she still wanted to break up- and that should be the only reason you need to move forward and find someone worthy of your energy.

You have 2 choices- you can lament over the reasons and let all that ruminating get in the way of you getting over her... OR, you can make a concerted effort to grieve, heal, and leave this girl behind you.

If she was a selfish girl, you are the one that dodged a bullet!

January 6, 2011

well i think its fairly obvious from the start that moving wasn't the only reason. if she really wanted to be with you, then nothing would have stopped her. but for whatever reason, things didn't feel right being with you so she chose to end it and didn't want to hurt you so used the moving as a convenient excuse. maybe she couldn't pinpoint the reasoning for not being that into you herself. i know it hurts to see her with someone else, but wouldn't you rather be with someone who wanted to be with you regardless of their other life plans? you say you jumped through hoops to be with her...you should find a girl who's willing to jump through hoops for you, too.

January 6, 2011

The more I think about our relationship and her past relationships that I know of, this is exactly the type of person I think she is suddendumpee. A serial dater. The beginning part of the relationship is always a fairy tale for them and everything is perfect. It's cheesy, but once the honeymoon stage wears off, they're bored. They need that feeling of something new, fresh, and exciting again.

Edited January 6, 2011 by deadhead88

January 6, 2011

I hate when people spout the jaded quote "When someone breaks up with you it's always for someone else (or the opportunity to be with someone else)"

I broke up with people simply because I didn't want to be with them. I had no one else lined up, no one else in mind, no other alternative.

So either I'm strong and everyone else is weak, or that above quote is chalk full of BS.

January 6, 2011

I hate when people spout the jaded quote "When someone breaks up with you it's always for someone else (or the opportunity to be with someone else)"

I broke up with people simply because I didn't want to be with them. I had no one else lined up, no one else in mind, no other alternative.

So either I'm strong and everyone else is weak, or that above quote is chalk full of BS.

Do you want to be celibate and single for the rest of your life? Then you broke up with them because you want the opportunity to eventually meet and be with somebody else. That's what I meant. Lost Interest, which is what you're claiming, infers that you want the opportunity to meet somebody else that will spur your interest.

January 6, 2011

Oh you mean the possibility to be with someone else some day? That's a bit better then. Carry on.

January 6, 2011

I knew that she would someday find someone new. I just thought that it wouldn't be this soon because she still "loved me." When we broke up she claimed that the breakup was even harder on her because she still loved me. Also, I thought she would at least wait until she moved.

January 6, 2011

I knew that she would someday find someone new. I just thought that it wouldn't be this soon because she still "loved me." When we broke up she claimed that the breakup was even harder on her because she still loved me. Also, I thought she would at least wait until she moved.

Dumpers are going to be ready to move on and be involved with somebody else quicker than dumpees because they are further along the path of processing the end of the relationship. If you got dumped and it wasn't your idea, it takes longer to come to terms with that and be open to dating other people.

Some people will line up a replacement before ending things because they can't stand to be alone, whereas other people are ethical and will leave a relationship once they realize they don't want to be with their SO anymore. It just varies person to person.

This is why you do NC. Because sooner or later there WILL be a replacement.

January 6, 2011

And another thing: nobody I think is 100 percent honest when they break up. But I do think that no matter what they say, the truth comes through in a way.

For instance, my ex told me she contemplated her decision for a few days. Bull****. She contemplated it for a few weeks. I think it's a decision she wrestled with for a few weeks, and she finally made up her mind for good the week she broke things off.

A lot of time it's about trying to let you down gently and not bruise your ego anymore than necessary. So they won't tell you that they cannot stand how annoying they find your laugh, or how you always leave the cap off the tube of toothpaste, or they never liked your friends, etc. I think people break up for reasons big and small.

January 6, 2011

My ex also made those claims. She just kept listing reasons that she wanted to move away and how she was unhappy here. She never said anything about it having to do with me or her feelings towards me. She kept saying how she has goals and dreams in life that she wants to accomplish. Now because she is with someone else, it feels as if I was the one making her unhappy here. And that is something that is hard to take.

January 6, 2011

Green

You are right, it all varies. When I was younger i would dump guys after a few weeks for reasons you said and let them down gently cuz I would not want to hurt their feelings, so would say I need space, not ready etc small reasons I suppose.

I was probably dumped too for reasons like this.

That said, some of us are in a different situation where we get dumped by someone we have been with for a long 10+ years and have children, house, businesses and dogs.

That is a whole different kettle of fish. And in a way to me more cruel when they lie.

After all I KNOW this guy and I KNOW when he is lying. So why does he still lie. Not to let me down gently, he went, walked, vanished from; not just me but Matt's life.

How do I process this?

January 6, 2011

Does anyone else think that guilt and selfishness are also part of it as opposed to sparing there exes feelings? Meaning, as i said before, they want to make sure they look like a "good" person and that they are not evil since they are the ones breaking it off? Especially if (like me) the beakup comes completely out of left field. I know a lot of the times dumpees never see it coming, but it just makes it that much more hurtful and confusing.

Edited January 6, 2011 by deadhead88

January 6, 2011

Does anyone else think that guilt and selfishness are also part of it as opposed to sparing there exes feelings? Meaning, as i said before, they want to make sure they look like a "good" person and that they are not evil since they are the ones breaking it off? Especially if (like me) the beakup comes completely out of left field. I know a lot of the times dumpees never see it coming, but it just makes it that much more hurtful and confusing.

I was completely blindsided by my breakup, but if you look back, you can usually see clues. I now have clarity to see that my ex was contemplating ending the relationship for a few weeks even though it appeared to come out of the blue for me.

January 6, 2011

I was completely blindsided by my breakup, but if you look back, you can usually see clues. I now have clarity to see that my ex was contemplating ending the relationship for a few weeks even though it appeared to come out of the blue for me.

This is true. I believe when they leave for another they never tell the truth. I have had this happen before. We maybe 1.5 years later became FWB type of thing and she still wouldn't tell me the truth when I asked her about what happened. Eventually she did but it took longer for her to tell the truth then it did for me to F her again

January 6, 2011

This is true. I believe when they leave for another they never tell the truth. I have had this happen before. We maybe 1.5 years later became FWB type of thing and she still wouldn't tell me the truth when I asked her about what happened. Eventually she did but it took longer for her to tell the truth then it did for me to F her again

No, they wouldn't tell the truth in that case. How did you find out she started dating another guy soon after you broke up?

My ex. I just don't know what to think. We were together two weeks shy of a year. I'm about to turn 33, she just turned 31. When we started, she told me most of her rel'ships were extremely short-term with her usually being the dumper, and she'd only had a r/l that lasted as long as year twice before me. So she dumped me two weeks shy of our 1-year anniversary. We had started talking marriage about 5 months in, and she sat her parents down and told them I was The One, her parents wanted to meet my parents for dinner, we were trying to arrange that, and I became the first guy she introduced to her biological father after she hadn't seen or talked to him in years. Whenever he comes into town, he calls her trying to take her to dinner and she usually ignores him. Well after we started dating, she was like "There's somebody I want you to meet." She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best r/l she'd ever been in and she loved me and wanted to marry me. Those are actions (telling parents, meeting real dad), not just words. Her actions were in line with her telling me I was the best guy she'd ever had and it was the best r/l she'd been in.

Here is what she basically told me when breaking up: "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved and need to be loved, when you give me compliments and show me affection, I don't feel that way on the inside, and I've never been in a r/l longer than a year, I always do this. I can't get married."

Looking back, her detaching behavior started about a month before the b/u, and it was at this time I was moving forward on plans to get formally engaged. She dumped me two days after I told her I had a job interview for a second job to pay for the ring. But she was still balancing it out with other good signals (less than a month before the b/u, she reminded me her parents still wanted to meet mine, six weeks before the b/u she's emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, etc). She did say something a few weeks before the b/u that was a precursor to what she said when we broke up. She said that her loving style was different from mine (true enough, but that had never been a problem), that she can't love like how I love, and I needed to be okay with that. Another thing she said that should have been a huge red flag is a religious comment she made. She's a very devout Christian, and we're hanging out, and she says "I want to be in Heaven now." And I'm like "WTF? Don't you mean you want to go to Heaven when you die? What about our future together?" And she says "Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I would just rather be there now." I should have realized right then that rather than being excited about getting engaged and our future together, she was not focused on that. She made other comments that final month about wanting Jesus to come back already.

I know people drift apart in relationships and fall out of love, but really up until about a month before the b/u she was acting very much invested and committed like she always had, and even up until the final day it wasn't like she was completely checked out and completely distant. I always thought the process of falling out of love takes months and years, not weeks. I think we were coming up on that milestone of one year, I was beginning to solidify plans to get formally engaged, and we had four weddings for friends of hers this past fall we were supposed to go to, we had already been to one, so I think this all was weighing on her.

Pretty much everybody I've talked to has said that her actions are not those of an emotionally stable person and it's not my fault. And that I dodged a bullet. I just wish my heart would catch up to my head.

January 6, 2011

Were you asking me a question? I know your story I was just wondering if you were asking me something???

January 6, 2011

Were you asking me a question? I know your story I was just wondering if you were asking me something???

Yeah, how did you find out your ex moved on so quick? I don't dare look at my exes' fb. There are certain things I just do not want to know. She'll date other guys, she's not coming back to me, the details of how/when I prefer to live without.

January 6, 2011

Got it. Well the one ex was seeing someone I knew. I didn't find this out until a few months down the road though when one of my friends mentioned it to me. I was shocked because I had no idea. I stopped talking to her at that point even though it drove me up a wall. We too were engaged when her thing with him began. Thing is and I know this for a fact because I've now lived it twice is thoses relationships never work out..They just don't..Once the fairydust wears off them it's over which is why she came back and became a FWB. She wanted more than that but I still had my current who was off in G.I.G.S land so I coundn't. So I suppose I was cheating but I'm positive my current GF was to, so I said what the hel why not. Looking back I should have taken her back and got rid of my current. Same thing happened to me with said second ex though. She came back about 1.5 years later and wanted to rekindle but I had a steady

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Ex lied about reasons for breakup

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