spice4life Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Ellin, I think your advice is great for someone who was not in a affair triangle, but in this situation I disagree as it encourages her to stick her head in the sand and just trust him. Her AP has already proven he isn't exactly a man that can be trusted 100%. I also disagree that he has "choosen" her. Sounds like some cake eating to me, although I might be wrong. I think if she is going to proceed, she needs to be cautious and not blindly trust this man. If I were her, I'd expect him to earn her trust. Great post bb07...I totally agree. This guy has jerked blinded around several times with the constant back and forth. And then he turns around and does this?! I would be very VERY leary at this point. Blinded you have every right to be angry with him. Protect your heart and keep giving him the kick in his a** he deserves. I mean seriously now, he expects you to just sit back and let him treat you this way?! He needs to EARN your trust back after what he has done to you. Anything less isn't worth your time. Period. He needs to learn what appropriate boundaries are and prove that he has the ability to be consistant in his actions with you.
hanging on for now Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 hahahha Well in Canada you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. Paperwork starts in September. Otherwise if they want to do infidelity, they have to come up with $1000 somehow. With neither of them able to get a credit card (hahah i swear to god it's true I was there when he tried) and the amount of debt they're in, and with her car recently exploding, they're okay with waiting out the next 8 months. I will be too as soon as he gets the separation papers He is a cheat and a lier. Oh and he's broke and has debt. I hope he's great in bed because he sure doesn't sound like much of a catch. What are you thinking?
starlight102 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 hahahha Well in Canada you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. Paperwork starts in September. Otherwise if they want to do infidelity, they have to come up with $1000 somehow. With neither of them able to get a credit card (hahah i swear to god it's true I was there when he tried) and the amount of debt they're in, and with her car recently exploding, they're okay with waiting out the next 8 months. I will be too as soon as he gets the separation papers He is a cheat and a lier. Oh and he's broke and has debt. I hope he's great in bed because he sure doesn't sound like much of a catch. What are you thinking? The tone of your post is really very angry. Do you really think it's fair for you to react like this (a situation that you have no involvement in)???
hanging on for now Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 He is a cheat and a lier. Oh and he's broke and has debt. I hope he's great in bed because he sure doesn't sound like much of a catch. What are you thinking? The tone of your post is really very angry. Do you really think it's fair for you to react like this (a situation that you have no involvement in)??? I don't know. You choose to post your dirty laundry. What did you expect, the eutopian answers you wanted to hear? Than what was the point? Reality is what it is. Good luck with your cheater. You are most deffinately going to need it.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 The tone of your post is really very angry. Do you really think it's fair for you to react like this (a situation that you have no involvement in)??? You interpret things one way as usual, let the OP decide if she is offended by this reply. Why not just stick to helping the OP and not picking apart members replies. I don't see anger, I see concern and wonder of what she sees in this man who has alot of problems and issues.
alexandria35 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Okay I haven't read through the whole thread so I apologize if someone already mentioned this. I got as far as your post saying that in Canada you have to wait one year to file for divorce. I have no idea if this is true. I live in Canada but have never been divorced so can't comment on that. However I read your back story about this guy and I think his wife may be able to have the marriage annulled, maybe. You were involved with him before he got married and only 2 months after he married he was leaving her for you. To my way of thinking this means she was mislead into the marriage. Had she known there was already an OW in the picture she may have never agreed to marry him, so why doesn't she get the marriage annulled? Has anybody looked into this? And continuing along this vein, I agree with Elin in that you are being very insecure. He did a terrible terrible thing to his wife. Was it her first marriage? Can you imagine? Walking down the isle with the man you think you are going to spend your whole life with, saying those vows, full of hopes and dreams for your future married life and then just a short 2 months later her husband is leaving for another woman. I think he did her a favor by leaving quickly but still..it must have been a real kick in the gut for her. She had to face everyone and explain that her groom had left her..she has no reason to be humilated but I bet it was humilating and heartbreaking. And she is being gracious and empathetic towards you but you won't be happy unless he completely eradicates her from his life. I do understand why you feel that way, he's not trustworthy...but I don't think removing her from his life is going to turn him into a trustworthy person. She's not the cheater and liar; he is. He has a lot of work to do on himself before that will change.
Author blinded_27 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) Hey guys, sorry I haven't replied earlier, I've just been super busy over the past little while. I really appreciate all of your comments though and take each one into consideration. I am going both ways on this... one day I'm happy and feel he is worth fighting for, and the next, I feel like many of the statements that were posted here... "what the hell am I doing I deserve so much more!!!" I am definitely insecure. And rightfully so. Months ago, I was under the impression that him and his wife were separated and thought we were "together", turns out he was "cheating" (if you would even call it that lol) on me with her... (sounds so weird)... so yeah, I'm very uneasy with the idea of him and her being buds. BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a long talk with him the other night about "boundaries". We came to a few agreements and compromises as far as visits with his wife go. (aka on an as-needed basis only). Still, I was uneasy after this talk, even though he is telling me he is no longer confused between the two of us. I know he's already frustrated with me because I keep freaking out every other day thinking he's changed his mind again, but I pushed and pushed him to prove to me that he's serious and asked him to get a separation agreement. (1st step in divorce). We had a huge argument about that... he kept saying he "didn't want to", and every time I asked why I just got "because I don't". I chalked it up to him being confused again and he finally stood up and said, "Fine, I will figure out how to do this on my own, and I will come back to you when the papers are signed". This morning I got a text from him with a picture of the separation agreement and a message saying he was going to see her next week when she returns home to get them signed. I couldn't figure out why he would want to take time apart from me when doing this.. I was really upset, so I texted him back this evening and asked him. He pretty much said he wanted to prove that he's going to stick by his word and do this right, and that maybe time apart and missing me would be a "push" for him... I'm not sure how to take that exactly... I realize this is hard for him, he's known her since grade 2 and they've been really good friends their entire lives so this split isn't easy. But dammit, he's the one that begged for me to take him back, why shouldn't I demand that he do this for me, for my own sanity??? blah. He sucked me back in and I somehow always feel like the one chasing after him. It's really frustrating. But dammit... I love him so much, it's ridiculous... Am I over analyzing too much? Or am I rightfully weary and demanding of him right now? Edited January 14, 2011 by blinded_27
BB07 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I am definitely insecure. And rightfully so. Months ago, I was under the impression that him and his wife were separated and thought we were "together", turns out he was "cheating" (if you would even call it that lol) on me with her... (sounds so weird)... so yeah, I'm very uneasy with the idea of him and her being buds. I don't recall the story but he lied to you about being separated??? Oh blinded if that is true.........how can you reconcile that big of a lie in your mind? Same thing happened to me and I just can't......it's too big, too important and if someone can lie about such a huge thing, then the other lies come way too damn easy......IMO. BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know he's already frustrated with me because I keep freaking out every other day thinking he's changed his mind again, but I pushed and pushed him to prove to me that he's serious and asked him to get a separation agreement. (1st step in divorce).Well why wouldn't you be frustrated? It sounds like you are on a roller coaster that never stops. This morning I got a text from him with a picture of the separation agreement and a message saying he was going to see her next week when she returns home to get them signed. Blinded........the papers don't mean anything unless they are signed and filed legally and then they still don't mean much if his heart and head is not done with his marriage. I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer but if he was done.......I don't think he would be behaving like he is. I couldn't figure out why he would want to take time apart from me when doing this.. I was really upset, so I texted him back this evening and asked him. He pretty much said he wanted to prove that he's going to stick by his word and do this right, and that maybe time apart and missing me would be a "push" for him... I'm not sure how to take that exactly... I realize this is hard for him, he's known her since grade 2 and they've been really good friends their entire lives so this split isn't easy. But dammit, he's the one that begged for me to take him back, why shouldn't I demand that he do this for me, for my own sanity??? blah. He sucked me back in and I somehow always feel like the one chasing after him. It's really frustrating. But dammit... I love him so much, it's ridiculous... At this point and with all that has happened, I question if you can ever feel secure, do you think you can? Am I over analyzing too much? Or am I rightfully weary and demanding of him right now? IMO........you should be very weary but you can't make anyone do anything, they have to want to and you mm seems to be feeling torn and undecided despite his protests. Maybe he doesn't even want to admit it to himself, but the bad thing is he is taking you on this hell ride with him and you have to decide either to ride it out or get off. No one can tell you if it's going to smooth out or not, but if you can't take it, then you need to get off the ride. Hugs.......
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well, let his future actions show you if he means what he says. from what you've said so far, I don't have a good feeling on this. The longer he takes, the better off he is -- Meaning he doesn't have to commit to you, marry you, make a life with you, but he is okay with how things are now. Hope that makes sense to you. They have a big history together and have known eachother for a very long time. Out of respect, it seems, he is going to do this his way, whether you like it or not. My concern for you is, if she doesn't want to officially separate or divorce, it won't happen. He won't push it and he'll let things stay as they are, leaving you as the OW, once again. Stop pushing him, leave him alone to do what he said he'll do. If by Spring, nothing has happened, walk away. Have your own deadline.
Mimolicious Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Whoa.... My head seriously hurt and I didn't even get to read the whole thread. What a joke! Honestly, where do you see yourself with a guy that is obviously a known liar, cheater, lives the life of a college kid past college days and is in a financial mess. Do you need more negatives? Seriously... people base their future and life on a simple feeling. Just the fact that he is in a financial hole, shows a lot about his character. In how many more ways can he show you his lack of responsibility and commitment. He failed the person he was married to and failed his economical plan. Such a winner! Pfft! Then we complaint when we gotta chase a mofo to child support courts and get $50. 1
Author blinded_27 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I don't recall the story but he lied to you about being separated??? Oh blinded if that is true.........how can you reconcile that big of a lie in your mind? Same thing happened to me and I just can't......it's too big, too important and if someone can lie about such a huge thing, then the other lies come way too damn easy......IMO. Yeahhh, it's just a long and twisted story... she really had moved out, temporarily at the time, but he told me they were over so I continued to see him, not knowing at the time that he was "confused".... he's lied to me plenty of times, BIG lies. I ask myself the same question every day, how can I allow myself to love someone so much who is such a pathalogical liar? Seems like, (at the time anyway), that's all he knew how to do... Blinded........the papers don't mean anything unless they are signed and filed legally and then they still don't mean much if his heart and head is not done with his marriage. I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer but if he was done.......I don't think he would be behaving like he is. Yeah see that's the thing, these papers aren't legally filed, they're the first step in divorce apparently, both parties sign them with a witness and file them for when they meet the 1 year mark to actually file for divorce. A mutual friend and I were hanging out last night and he actually told me that my M asked him to be the witness and sign the papers.... I think he's progressing, he is trying... most of me believes they really are through, he hasn't gone back to her in a very long time.. I know he's not as confused as he was a few months ago anyway... he says he's not confused at all but I'll never kn ow for sure... IMO........you should be very weary but you can't make anyone do anything, they have to want to and you mm seems to be feeling torn and undecided despite his protests. Maybe he doesn't even want to admit it to himself, but the bad thing is he is taking you on this hell ride with him and you have to decide either to ride it out or get off. No one can tell you if it's going to smooth out or not, but if you can't take it, then you need to get off the ride. Hugs....... Thanks BB07... I'd like to get off, but I'm just so curious to see where this can go.. I want to see how serious he is, it could all end horribly and I'll be right back here again crying my eyes out and preparing for yet another NC. But a huge part of me is just dying to know. *sigh* Well, let his future actions show you if he means what he says. from what you've said so far, I don't have a good feeling on this. The longer he takes, the better off he is -- Meaning he doesn't have to commit to you, marry you, make a life with you, but he is okay with how things are now. Hope that makes sense to you. They have a big history together and have known eachother for a very long time. Out of respect, it seems, he is going to do this his way, whether you like it or not. My concern for you is, if she doesn't want to officially separate or divorce, it won't happen. He won't push it and he'll let things stay as they are, leaving you as the OW, once again. Stop pushing him, leave him alone to do what he said he'll do. If by Spring, nothing has happened, walk away. Have your own deadline. Yeah you are right about her possibly being the reason for this divorce to be on hold... funny enough though, I think SHE is more finished with the marriage than he is... which is just as bad. I really have no idea, I try to talk to him and ask him how he feels and if he's sure this is what he wants...I told him that we could never work out if he really doesn't want todivorce and be with me because he will only resent me. I've stopped pushing him at this point though, he says he's going to do it, I think I believe him. I know he can't go long without talking to me, he says we will talk again when he comes to me with the signed papers next week. We will see I guess! Whoa.... My head seriously hurt and I didn't even get to read the whole thread. What a joke! Honestly, where do you see yourself with a guy that is obviously a known liar, cheater, lives the life of a college kid past college days and is in a financial mess. Do you need more negatives? Seriously... people base their future and life on a simple feeling. Just the fact that he is in a financial hole, shows a lot about his character. In how many more ways can he show you his lack of responsibility and commitment. He failed the person he was married to and failed his economical plan. Such a winner! Pfft! Then we complaint when we gotta chase a mofo to child support courts and get $50. Blah... I KNOW.. it sounds really bad... he isn't much of a catch when you look at the overall picture. But to clarify, his financial debt came from having a high paying job paired with frivolous spending, and being laid off unexpectedly. We are both pretty young, (mid 20's) he's learned his lesson as far as his financial situation goes.... as for learning his lesson in lying and cheating, he has told me that he never wants to go through this mess ever again... I believe he doesn't, whether or not he'll get caught up in it again with someone else, I'm not sure... I want to be with him right now, I have no idea if it will work out with us long term, but I would like to at least try. At least I will have gotten something out of all the pain and tears I went though, minus my dignity being trampled on... :/
starlight102 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 You interpret things one way as usual, let the OP decide if she is offended by this reply. Why not just stick to helping the OP and not picking apart members replies. I don't see anger, I see concern and wonder of what she sees in this man who has alot of problems and issues. I'm not picking apart members' replies. If I was, there are MANY to choose from! 1
2sunny Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Yeahhh, it's just a long and twisted story... she really had moved out, temporarily at the time, but he told me they were over so I continued to see him, not knowing at the time that he was "confused".... he's lied to me plenty of times, BIG lies. I ask myself the same question every day, how can I allow myself to love someone so much who is such a pathalogical liar? Seems like, (at the time anyway), that's all he knew how to do... Yeah see that's the thing, these papers aren't legally filed, they're the first step in divorce apparently, both parties sign them with a witness and file them for when they meet the 1 year mark to actually file for divorce. A mutual friend and I were hanging out last night and he actually told me that my M asked him to be the witness and sign the papers.... I think he's progressing, he is trying... most of me believes they really are through, he hasn't gone back to her in a very long time.. I know he's not as confused as he was a few months ago anyway... he says he's not confused at all but I'll never kn ow for sure... Thanks BB07... I'd like to get off, but I'm just so curious to see where this can go.. I want to see how serious he is, it could all end horribly and I'll be right back here again crying my eyes out and preparing for yet another NC. But a huge part of me is just dying to know. *sigh* Yeah you are right about her possibly being the reason for this divorce to be on hold... funny enough though, I think SHE is more finished with the marriage than he is... which is just as bad. I really have no idea, I try to talk to him and ask him how he feels and if he's sure this is what he wants...I told him that we could never work out if he really doesn't want todivorce and be with me because he will only resent me. I've stopped pushing him at this point though, he says he's going to do it, I think I believe him. I know he can't go long without talking to me, he says we will talk again when he comes to me with the signed papers next week. We will see I guess! Blah... I KNOW.. it sounds really bad... he isn't much of a catch when you look at the overall picture. But to clarify, his financial debt came from having a high paying job paired with frivolous spending, and being laid off unexpectedly. We are both pretty young, (mid 20's) he's learned his lesson as far as his financial situation goes.... as for learning his lesson in lying and cheating, he has told me that he never wants to go through this mess ever again... I believe he doesn't, whether or not he'll get caught up in it again with someone else, I'm not sure... I want to be with him right now, I have no idea if it will work out with us long term, but I would like to at least try. At least I will have gotten something out of all the pain and tears I went though, minus my dignity being trampled on... :/ even if you want to be with him... step away until the divorce is FINAL! if he intends to be with you - he will find a way to make the divorce happen as quickly as possibly... in the meantime - this keeps you away from their chaos that a divorce brings about. he still sounds like a man that raises a lot of concerns. can you do that?
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