OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 And don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, every time I want to stop - some new guy that sounds/looks kind of interesting messages me. The problem is, it's really hard to have a proper feel of someone unless you meet them in person. There was one guy who looked average/below and when I met him - he was much cuter in person and I really liked him. So I keep thinking that it could happen again and I feel this compulsion to meet all these men in person. Also, I keep thinking - what if I reject meeting this guy and he would have actually been completely right for me? After my failed date last night, I have already organized a date with some new guy for Monday. And this is on the top of the date I already have scheduled for Saturday..... So this will be the 4th guy I will be meeting in 2011. Somebody stop me!!
Kamille Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I just worked with a personal trainer and have been reading tons about how to stick to personal resolutions. They all basically say the same thing: it's not enough to just say "I want to take a break from dating". In order to stick to a resolution, you need to figure out: 1) Why it's important to take a break from dating 2) What the goal of the break will be (what you hope taking a break from dating will give you) 3) When you will stop dating and 4) How you will stop dating (turning off your account, for example). 5) How you will know you're ready to start dating again Must be so nice to be a woman... Or one of the 4 guys she's excited about meeting. (so, if I do the math, 5 people are actually getting some validation that they're interesting enough to get a date).
welikeincrowds Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Must be so nice to be a woman... Dude. She's unhappy. I really feel for you, man. I really do. I really want to help you, so I'm going to try my best, right now. Part of self-absorption is not being able to see what's really there, because you see yourself instead, along with your own struggles/problems/fears/desires. Insecurity is a natural path to self-absorption. It's an emotional response, an interpretation to criteria that doesn't reflect (or even relate to, concern, address, consider) the facts. In insecurity, the facts aren't even relevant. That's because it's an emotion. It comes first, and then it colors your judgment. If you are aware of this and how it works, you can fight back for control. But while you aren't aware, it will (and, apparently, does) control you. To the point where you are actually envying OceanGirl. Think about that! Alright, but seriously. In NS's ****storm thread that I just saw you write in: yes, she's crass and tactless, but she has a point. The men's perceptions don't match reality, yet they will latch onto their own perceptions as though they were fact, while vehemently discrediting any other observations. That is the power of their emotional response. But they are not judging by reality. You can prove that they are not by consensus (really, I have ugly, loser, low-life scumbag friends who get laid!) and by syllogism (security is an emotion; emotions are not objective; security is subjective.). So then you think "Well, it may be subjective, but my position is right for me. I have all this evidence -- I can't get those things. My level of security makes sense." But then you have to think: security is positive, insecurity is negative. If it's necessarily and categorically subjective, and therefore not based in fact -- then why are you choosing the negative, when you can choose the positive? The negative causes a struggle within you, because you want those things, but your security tells you can't have them. So before you even get to the point where you are able to act, you already have the feeling that you can't, so you don't -- you've lost free will to the emotion, and you are thus enslaved. That enslavement is powerful, because it controls your life on a very fundamental level: who you are, what you do, what you wish to become. So you live it daily and it agitates you, but because you are at an impasse, it can't be addressed. And so it grows. It gets so big that it starts making itself known to you even when you aren't attending to it; it commands your attention; and you'll find it where you least expect: they're walking down the street holding hands, she's looking very cute reading on a park bench, he's posting about successful dates on an internet forum. First the thoughts are tangentially related, but eventually, it will get so big as to intrude into completely unrelated thoughts; you'll be dusting your bookshelf or taking a shower when you'll be stricken with a memory of something to be ashamed of or an imagined scenario to be lonesome for, completely unprovoked. This is why this thread can be about SACWA, but to you, it's also about you. It's the tumor in you. Do you see what I mean? I hope you do man, because you have to get rid of that tumor. How many women you've slept with or whether or not you are in a relationship right now is not going to bring you back to happiness. Getting rid of that tumor is. The tumor is the cause for your unhappiness. Edited January 6, 2011 by welikeincrowds I just realized I mixed a metaphor like a ****head (enslavement/tumor). Just, you know, you get the point.
somedude81 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Or one of the 4 guys she's excited about meeting. (so, if I do the math, 5 people are actually getting some validation that they're interesting enough to get a date). But we don't know how many women those men contacted till they got a date with OG or how many women each of them are dating this month. It's only the 3rd and she already has four dates lined up. That's more dates then I had all of last year... This is why this thread can be about SACWA, but to you, it's also about you. This thread is not about me and I do not want it to be about me. The only reason I made my post, was when this thread was made, the bitchy men and prostitution threads were active. I most likely am wrong here, but I saw this thread as OG gloating about how easy it is for her to get dates. To the point where you are actually envying OceanGirl. Think about that! Why should I not envy her? I would like to address the rest of your post but this is not the place. We've taken her thread too far off track as it is.
welikeincrowds Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Why should I not envy her? That was a joke. But... I would like to address the rest of your post but this is not the place. We've taken her thread too far off track as it is. We haven't at all. I chose to address you in this thread for a reason. Both of you are describing aspects in which you are not in control of your own lives, and how that lack of control is reflecting in your love lives. The permutations are different, but my opinion is that they stem from a similar cause.
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Also, I keep thinking - what if I reject meeting this guy and he would have actually been completely right for me? Yeah... But then when I read about the 20+ guys that you've dated I think...if none of those guys had a chance, what chance will #4 have? Although you did like a couple, one you didn't want a relationship even. So it's down to close to zero hits. Maybe go to Mensa meetings or something like that. But then, you only need "one" so if you keep trying you will have to increase your chances.
Author OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Somedude, I also feel for you. You are not one of those guys that bash women all the time. You have faced repeated rejection and that can be wearing on the soul. I can understand that. You also come across as an intelligent guy, you are reasonably attractive (I have seen your pictures) - you are somehow mentally tripping yourself up. Just like I am. There is no reason to envy me. The point is, we are both unhappy. We are unhappy for different reasons, but in the end does it really matter? We feel the same emotion. And we are stuck.
Author OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Ariadne, out of 30 guys I have met, there were 2 that I liked and would have wanted a relationship with (the politician and the one that went back to the wife). They both rejected me. Sure, I have rejected others, but the ones that really mattered didn't like me. That's kind of tough.
Surrealist Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 That was a joke. But... We haven't at all. I chose to address you in this thread for a reason. Both of you are describing aspects in which you are not in control of your own lives, and how that lack of control is reflecting in your love lives. The permutations are different, but my opinion is that they stem from a similar cause. Control or confidence, game, looks, money and on and on and on. Could be just simply have not met the right person.
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Ariadne, out of 30 guys I have met, there were 2 that I liked and would have wanted a relationship with (the politician and the one that went back to the wife). They both rejected me. Sure, I have rejected others, but the ones that really mattered didn't like me. That's kind of tough. Oh, there were 30, I admire you for putting yourself through this and it shows how determined you are. Yes, those are the two guys I had in mind and the one that went back to the wife you said was not relationship material (LSD/drugs guy). The problem now is not so much the rejection but the number 30 that I'm getting worried about.
Author OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Oh, there were 30, I admire you for putting yourself through this and it shows how determined you are. Yes, those are the two guys I had in mind and the one that went back to the wife you said was not relationship material (LSD/drugs guy). The problem now is not so much the rejection but the number 30 that I'm getting worried about. Yeah, I fell like I am over-doing it. At first when I opened up my dating profile and started going out on dates, my real life friends were really encouraging. They all said how very positive it is to put myself out there again, how they never thought I would do it etc etc. Now, they are saying "perhaps you should take a bit of a break". So I am hiding the number of dates I am having from them
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yeah, I fell like I am over-doing it. Well, I didn't mean in that sense, that is up to you. But it kind of sounds like one time when I went to buy a mattress in a warehouse... After trying all the mattresses on the floor I asked the guy to see some of the piled ones... He responded that if no mattress on the floor was good enough for me, then he was not going to move those mattresses either because for sure I wasn't going to like them. He was right.
Surrealist Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 At least she isn't sleeping with these guys, so I understand? So that is a good thing.
Author OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 At least she isn't sleeping with these guys, so I understand? So that is a good thing. That's correct. I only slept with one and had oral with another
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Btw, According to one guru nothing works: People worry if to wear pink or red lipstick, and then you may find a bf with no lipstick, or you may wear pink and find a bf, and some other person wears pink and doesn't. In other words: None of the things we do make a difference. The only thing you can do according to him is good karma. That is, visit lonely people, be a companion to someone, and it will come to you. That things happen when you least expect them and you may find your husband like Touche and your parents did, by absolute chance at the right moment. Something like that... But I haven't been able to prove this either way. And then, some people believe in the numbers game...I guess it works for many.
northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 At least she isn't sleeping with these guys, so I understand? So that is a good thing. sneaky of you, surrealist. you should be ashamed.
oaks Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 And don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, every time I want to stop - some new guy that sounds/looks kind of interesting messages me. Not sure which site you're on, but you can probably hide your profile (no need to fully delete it) so that no new guys can see it. Then you won't get any messages from new guys. Then leave it that way for at least a week. Or, take down some or all of your photos. That might reduce the number of new contacts you get. (Personally I don't message people who don't have a visible photo of their face.) After my failed date last night, I have already organized a date with some new guy for Monday. And this is on the top of the date I already have scheduled for Saturday..... So this will be the 4th guy I will be meeting in 2011. Ok, so go and see these guys since you have already arranged the dates - it might seem rude to cancel and anyway you'll have that nagging doubt about what if he was the one if you cancel. Make sure they don't think you're hiding from them when you hide your profile (I assume you've already swapped phone number and/or email addresses) - just tell them that you're getting too much attention from other guys and it's distracting (they'll be happy with that because they know it means they have less competition for your attention but at the same time it tells them that they have to put in some effort because other guys are interested in you). Some sites let you make your profile visible only to your favourites while hiding it from everyone else so it might not be a problem. Then... just like when quitting anything else that's a bit like an addiction... make sure you have something else to do to occupy your time and mind. Visit friends you haven't seen since last year; catch up on a non-internet hobby etc. Oh, and have fun!
Surrealist Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 sneaky of you, surrealist. you should be ashamed. Well I had to deflect some of my 'poignant' comments somehow. I hope youse don't hate me.
Kamille Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Ariadne, out of 30 guys I have met, there were 2 that I liked and would have wanted a relationship with (the politician and the one that went back to the wife). They both rejected me. Sure, I have rejected others, but the ones that really mattered didn't like me. That's kind of tough. The bolded statement makes me think you have yet to reach the right frame of mind for multi-online-dating. Rejection sucks and it's hard not to take it personally. However, you're taking these rejections way too personally if you equate one guy deciding you aren't compatible and one messed up guy going back to his marriage as a reflection of your like-a-bility. It isn't. Don't make rejection all about you. These men had lives - they had their own preferences, their own issues to resolve and their own paths.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I honestly don't see why you have a problem. So you have been scheduling a lot of dates. Well you kinda NEED to date a lot to find someone you like. The more dates you go on, the more likely it is that you will find the right one for you. As long as you follow these three rules: 1. It doesn't interfere with your life (you aren't putting off friends/family/work) 2. You have some interest in the guys you are setting up dates with (not dating JUST to date) 3. DON'T HAVE ANY SEXUAL CONTACT As long as you follow those rules, what's the issue? Just cause some people don't go out on 4 dates in a year doesn't mean you need to limit your dates. I actually think it would be good to join several dating sites and go on at least one date a week.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I think maybe for OG specifically, quantity might be helping her to learn to be a little more casual ... to let the negative stuff roll off her back; and not to let every date and all its nuances dominate so much head space and life.
Stockalone Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 And don't know how to deal with it. I think it depends on what you want (why do you date?), and why you keep going out with all those new men. Are all the guys you meet really not what you are looking for, or do you weed them out maybe too quickly (without giving them a real chance), because you get a rush from meeting new people and that is what you are addicted to? If you are simply not meeting a guy that you like even though you gave him a fair chance, then I don't think you are addicted to online dating. You are just weeding out people you aren't compatible with. On the other hand, if you are afflicted by the "the grass is greener" syndrom, and you don't even focus on the guys you meet because other options are already waiting, you might have to refocus on what it is you want, and how to get it.
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