Lonelygirl1975 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I wasn't sure where to post this, guess I just needed to get this all out and on the table. I've been married for almost 17 years, we've been together for almost 19 and friends for 20. We were each other's firsts for everything. We went through a really bad patch a few years back and managed to stay together, though it was not easy. The last two years have been especially stressful with financial hardships, miserable jobs, family stress to name a few. I've struggled with depression for almost 14 years now, and have been on more medications than I care to think about. I hit rock bottom (or so I thought, had I known.....) over this past summer and attempted suicide. After a brief stay in a hospital, I came home and thought that I could get myself back on track, but felt more alone than ever. But I stuck to the medication I was prescribed, and have been okay since then, but the medication tends to slow you down, and I have little or no energy to keep up with life most days. And slowly, I began to shut down on everyone. All the while, thinking my husband was by my side through this, understanding where I was coming from after meeting my psychiatrist, and getting a lesson on medications and depression. Things came to a head right before Thanksgiving, when my husband told me he wanted out. He left, I cried, sobbed, begged him to come back, and eventually he did. Only to tell me 2 weeks later that he was done. He wasn't in love with me anymore and that he wanted to separate. I felt like life itself just stopped at that moment, my mind was racing, heart pounding in my ears, everything I knew was a complete mess. We have three kids together and agreed that we would wait until after the holidays to tell them, we didn't want to ruin that for them. It was very hard to play house like that, but we managed to put on a brave face. Though that day he told me all of this, I took off my wedding rings. It killed me, but I didn't feel right wearing these rings that bonded us when he no longer was in love with me in that way. He took that as a sign that he was free as I later discovered. The week between Christmas and NY, was awful. We were civil, but in the end, I asked him to leave, and he took some of his clothes and left. Turns out he has been seeing someone, and he swore he would never cheat on me, so he wanted to be honest and up front with me, and as it turns out, after I removed my wedding rings, they became intimate. I had to be the one to tell the kids what was happening, alone. Our youngest is too young to grasp what is going on, he knows nothing, but the other two were hurt, and wanted to know if this was because of them somehow. It tore me apart to hear that from them. Today is exactly one week since he officially left, however, he has been here almost more than half of that time. And we have slept together three times since then. Obviously there is a strong sexual attraction, we have kids, so its not like that part of our lives was an issue. And he's admitted that he's confused and truly doesn't know what he wants. He thought he knew when he left last week, but since then, he's not sure. He's told me he hates seeing me hurt the way I am, that he will always love me, and he would not be able to take it if I wasn't a part of his life in someway and not just because we have children together. I am absolutely torn apart, it kills me to think he's with another woman, and yet I have asked him no questions because I feel like knowing details are going to make me go over the edge. It will just put a face and a name to the images already running through my mind. He says things to me like, if its meant to be, we will be back together over time. That he hopes that he will fall in love with me again, and that I become the strong independent person I was when we met. I have always been a shy quiet girl, I doubt my every move, and now more than ever. I want us to be back together more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, he is literally my only friend, we did everything together. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in a night since this all happened and managed to lose 15 lbs thanks to not being able to eat. I've always struggled with my weight, so to have lost that kind of weight in just a few weeks, should say something about how much I'm hurting right now. If he came home tomorrow, with his things, I would take him back no questions asked. I miss him, his hands, the way he smells, the sound of him breathing at night by my side. All I do is cry, my eyes are so swollen they hurt. From the time I get home from work, I keep myself moving, from thing to thing just to keep from thinking. And when the kids are finally all in bed, and I'm totally alone, the walls feel like they're caving in on me. How can I pick up the pieces and stay strong for my kids? Because right now, all I want to do is hide somewhere and never wake up. I keep hoping that the pain I feel will just kill me so I don't have to feel this way anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it through this without losing what is left of my mind?
Lovelybird Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hi, sorry for what you are feeling right now. A psychiatrist only gave you medications to deal with the depression? Have you ever considered to see a therapist? Medication may cure surface issues without dealing with the roots. Why are you depressed? What things will make you happy and unhappy? Change to a psychologist or therapist, and see if it will work for you. If you see your husband's astray as a chance to grow as a person, you may find more happy ways to live and a more fulfilling love life?
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