puravida Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'm not sure where to begin, since I've never been in this position before. About three weeks ago, I my fiancé ended our engagement. We'd been engaged for a couple months and overall were together for almost 9 years. We're been long-distance practically the whole time, through high school, college, grad-school, first jobs, new jobs, but we managed to stay together, sometimes I'm not sure how (looking back), but I always thought we had the same goal of getting married. We were each other's first loves, he was even my first kiss. When he proposed, I was so hopeful for our future, we would finally be together more than we were apart, it seemed like all of our hard work was going to pay off. Finally, when things seemed to be falling into place, we decided on a venue and had a contract (not yet signed), booked the church (he wasn't into the whole marriage prep pre-cana stuff, but was going to do it for me), and had an appointment with a photographer for when he'd be in town. Instead, when he came to town for the holidays he basically said he wanted to see other people, that he'd talked to a couple friends/coworkers, and just felt that at 25 he didn't want this to be the only relationship he's ever had...He said that he needs someone that can be there with him physically and emotionally (I'm in school while he's working), to which I honestly feel I did the best I could. He refuses counselling and says he wants to work on things himself...that I was trying too hard...which devastated me. He assured me that he never cheated on me, but has thought about it over the years, but would never want to hurt me like that....I thought that we were past this doubt, to me, or engagement solidified that we both wanted to be with each other and nobody else. I know I can't change his mind, it is something that he will have to realize on his own...I'm not sure what my question is, but I'd just like to gather your thoughts. It sounded like G.I.G.S to me, he suggested a break for a year, but I'm just not sure anymore...but I don't want to be with anyone else. He truly is a great guy (all of this aside) and this is only my side of the story from what I can remember happening, it seems like such an out of body experience.... I've been following the advice given to many others here, we've been NC for 3 weeks. I appreciate any responses!
homebrew Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You got it.... It is G.I.G.S. all the way!!! You are doing a great job of keeping NC too. I have more to say on your situation... Couple of questions: Are you two living in the same area now? If not, what state / country do you both live in? Have the two of you ever lived in the same place at the same time?
Author puravida Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Thanks for replying homebrew, last night was rough. I guess posting opened up a new wound because I haven't cried in over a week, but I did last night. Couple things to add...one BIG reason he said that we should break up is because we argue too much. We are both going through stressful times right now, me in school and him at work, trying to plan a wedding apart. So yeah, there is going to be stress and arguments. We don't fight as much when we are together. AND he did the classic we should remain friends...which at first I said ok, but then let him know that I can't go from fiancee to friend. We weren't friends before we got together, so to have a relationship for someone that long and then want me to stick around to be a friend to watch him be with someone else...no thanks (he said he'd be ok seeing me with someone else as long as I was happy). We are both in the US, about a 4 hour drive apart, which is the farthest we have lived from one another since college. At one point we were living together for a couple months when I was laid off. Things were rocky at first, but we managed to work things out and they went really well, which made me confident that we would be able to manage it once we were married. After that, I got a job about 45 minutes away from him, so we were together about 4 days a week, until he moved 4 hours away for a new job after I started going back to school. I've been in contact with his mom, while she said he didn't tell her much, just that we were working things out and needed time to think...from my understanding he broke up with me. I don't know why he wouldn't tell her the truth when he seemed to have no problem cancelling other stuff. I know I keep making excuses for him, that he is confused, etc. But I think he knows what he wants, he already shipped my stuff from his apartment. I want to talk to him, after reading some stuff I just feel like I did everything wrong, but he should remember me for the person I was throughout the relationship...he just seems to be going on with his life. I am too and I know things will get better once I'm back in school...I have too much time to think right now. Edited January 6, 2011 by puravida
Rose T Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 AND he did the classic we should remain friends...which at first I said ok, but then let him know that I can't go from fiancee to friend. We weren't friends before we got together, so to have a relationship for someone that long and then want me to stick around to be a friend to watch him be with someone else...no thanks (he said he'd be ok seeing me with someone else as long as I was happy). Hi puravida... hang in there and I'm so sorry for what you're going through! A couple of red flags in what you wrote above - I've just gone through a similar break-up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years - who was suddenly in a hurry to break up and move on - he also tried to move me into the friend zone. Turns out he's met someone else and wanted to start something there without an overlap - hence the rush. He did overlap by the way and I found out and it obviously accelerated everything - I'm through with him. My boyfriend also said he'd be happy to see me with someone else - I think this is a bit suspicious if you're supposed to be just emerging from an important relationship - do watch out, I don't know your situation, but I learned about this kind of of scenario the hard way. If that's not the case you still need to stick to NC - pull right away. He needs to miss you right now. Show him you mean it - and take care.
Author puravida Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Thanks Rose T, I believe him - I don't think he is seeing anyone else. What hurts is that he could end our relationship on the thought of being with someone else, that those feelings could just consume him. I don't think he thought about me not being in his life, he really thought that we could be friends, that we would both realize that we "don't fit". In my heart I want both of us to be happy, but right now I guess that can't happen if we are together. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about running into him, I've already put away most of the stuff that reminds me of him, but I'm still fighting the feeling of wanting to call him and let him know I'll listen when he's ready to talk...I know, it's not going to get me anywhere but lower than I am now. I thought I was ok before, but I realized it was mainly because I thought he would call yesterday and now reality is sinking in. Edited January 6, 2011 by puravida
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