nikayla Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 As some of you may know, 2010 has been a rocky year for me with school and social life-- but luckily, things are going better than ever in every aspect of my life but dating. I am 21-year-old college student. I was never much of a dater, because I spend an awful time hitting the books and watching soap operas. Two years ago, however, I met a wonderful 24-year-old named "Tom" at a student conference. We have similar life experiences and I admired his no-nonsense approach to life. Tom is a former foster child, who grew up without any support systems. Still, he managed to gain leadership positions in the Army and attend college. Tom told me that he was planning to take a break from school and, at that time, I did not ask questions. Over time, he became a prominent part of my life. We would play video games, build computers, and watch corny shows together. He asked me to pursue a long-distance relationship with him, and I gladly accepted! Things begin to change dramatically last year, when I took an internship near his apartment. Tom invited me to stay for the summer rent-free (I purchased the groceries), and I immediately noticed his fast-food uniform. I questioned him about school and his work-study job. He told me that due to financial circumstances, he had to take the spring and summer semesters off to raise money ($1500) and reimburse the bursar's office. Tom also left ROTC following a suicide attempt. While I stayed there, he was almost always late with rent, so I ended up spending my hard earnings to help him out. But Tom made me feel special. I would come home from interning to find 5-course meals, candle-lit baths, and other perks that any girl would ask for. Fast forward a few months...he was still at the fast-food restaurant and I later (without permission) read an e-mail that he sent to his father. He explained that he did not want to finish college (only 20 credits left), and that he was sick of struggling financially. Tom stated that since he was now making $10 per hour, he could take more time off and--eventually-- work for his father (who doesn't even offer him support). During our phone and Skype conversations, I began to play "mother", so-to-speak. Encouraging him to take on a second job (which he did, but quit), move in with me rent-free, or work with me online to supplement his income. Tom explained that after such a long day of biking to work, shady internet access, and a lease agreement-- my suggestions were not feasible. Today, Tom decided to break up with me. He believes that my constant nagging about getting back in school led to his self-reflection. He needs time to work on himself and figure out what he wants in life. Yet, he wants to remain friends. Now, half of me feels really bad for e-mailing him job applications...but I can't help but feel bitter. Please help me cope with this breakup.
paleblue Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Sorry Nikayla. It sounds like you did a lot for him. I would feel a little jaded too about it all. Not cool. I guess the only thing you can do now is try to work on yourself and maintain your distance. I would be hesitant to accept the "friendship" thing. Unless you have no romantic feelings for him and don't care. But I don't think that is the case. In which case you will definately need some time. If you accept his breadcrumbs and still have feelings for him you are going to be even more miserable. Too bad he cant just learn to pull his head out of his a@@ and get his program together.
0hpenelope Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You sound like a classy person, nikayla. You didn't hold back from your man, you supported him, and you showed him how it's like to be cared for and loved. It's ok to feel bitter. Just don't hold on to it because it's very toxic and you will find that it will permeate in all aspects of your life and future relationships. Class. Grace. Poise. You can act how you would be expected to act, but it's very surprising to self and others when you act the exact opposite. And you'll feel better when you look back because you held your head high. You were awesome to him, and he let you go. This is what I'm doing right now. I understand that our circumstances are different but gosh, I really wish I can impart some of what I'm feeling to you. I still love my ex but from what I learned today about him, he's the greater chump between the 2 of us. To both of us, I say: His loss!
Fern Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Better to find out now than 6 years down the line. This loser was on a course to bleed you dry. I know - I just split up with an older version of him 5 months ago. Take this lesson to heart darling - it's OK to support the people you love through hard times but you have to recognise when you're being taken advantage of and nip it in the bud. For their sake as well as yours. I've learned my lesson too. Stay strong! He might just need a few years to sort his life out - but you CAN'T fix him - that's got to be done by him alone.
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