Dating a younger guy, jealous of his ex. :x

[citynoise]

Hi everyone! I've been a long time lurker (around 6 months now) and I've finally registered an account in hopes of maybe getting some help with an issue I've been having.

 

To start off, I'm 20 years old and I'm dating a guy 2 years younger than me. We've been "official" for almost 6 months now but we met 9 months ago. It started out as a fling and then we wanted to be serious. He's absolutely amazing to me and I really have no reason to be insecure or jealous but I'm having troubles dealing with his most recent ex-girlfriend...

 

They broke up after 3 months of dating and she used to call him a lot crying on the phone etc. He told me that they broke up because his friends didn't approve and because of her age. (She was 14 when they dated) He's also commented that she's annoying and he tends to be super negative when he talks about her but he still has her on facebook and they still talk sometimes. :\ He texted her Happy Birthday and whenever he sees her he gives her a hug. When I brought it up he said he hates it when people hate/dislike him and because they volunteer together at events 1-2 times a year he doesn't want the entire staff to hate him because of what she might say. He says he's being civil but he hates her because he wasted so much time on her and he realized how annoying she really was. He wrote her wedding vows while they were dating and he had a bunch of nude pictures of her until I found them and asked him to delete them.

 

We've talked about it before and he always tells me I shouldn't be jealous of her and I have nothing to be jealous of. He usually cheers me up by tickling me or throwing me on the bed and nuzzling me saying "LOVE ME. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME~?" and ofc I can't stay upset for more than a minute. D:

 

It bothers me that he still talks to her and has her as a friend. I realize that not everyone deals with breakups like I do, but I've pretty much burned all my bridges and I don't have contact with my ex's. I don't understand how he can be so negative and still talk about her all the time and then turn around and be nice to her. It's very two-faced and I'm worried he isn't over her and he's only being negative to make me feel better/agree with his friends. We live together now and his family and friends both adore me. His friends are always commenting how much better I am than her and how I have nothing to be jealous of. (He lost a few friends because of his relationship with her) He's always complimenting me and telling me how beautiful/amazing I am. His parents are pressuring me into marrying him and they're constantly asking why I like him and commenting about how I'm too good for him. I dunno. I truly and honestly believe that he loves me, and I love him but it just bothers me so much that he's two-faced when it comes to his ex.

 

I've thought about befriending her and getting to know her a little bit, and I've thought about asking him to stop talking to her/remove her but that seems overbearing/bitchy-girlfriend mode. What should I do? How can I be less jealous of her? What should I do when I have moments of jealousy? :x

Edited January 5, 2011 by citynoise

[Eeyore79]

You're an adult and she's a child; you have nothing to be jealous of. It's extremely freaky if he has naked photos of an underage child, not to mention illegal. You really need to dump him and date an adult who doesn't break the law.

[make me believe]

You're an adult and she's a child; you have nothing to be jealous of. It's extremely freaky if he has naked photos of an underage child, not to mention illegal. You really need to dump him and date an adult who doesn't break the law.

 

I have to agree with this. Honestly, I can't get past the fact that he had naked pictures of a 14 year old and didn't see anything wrong with it. Even if he was under 18 when they dated, he should still realize NOW that as an adult it is illegal and creepy as f*ck to still have those pictures. Jeez. Also, I find it to be a huge red flag that even his parents think you're too good for him & ask you why you're with him. I mean...what?! Is there stuff about this guy that you're not telling us? I'm thinking there has to be more going on than just him being friends with this kid he used to date.

[Graceful]

I don't even know where to start. I don't want to harsh on you and I certainly don't want to hurt you, but I'm taking a very hard stand on this.

 

Two years is not a big age difference in general, but it depends on when the age gap takes place. 32 /30 is no big deal. But 20 / 18, with the guy being younger, that's a big gap because that is a stage of life where even two years makes a difference in maturity, and life experience. It's only two years, but they are a big two years.

 

In your case, this guy is so immature, I don't even care how old he is. I have known 16-year olds more mature than your BF, as a matter of fact.

 

They broke up after 3 months of dating and she used to call him a lot crying on the phone etc. He told me that they broke up because his friends didn't approve and because of her age. (She was 14 when they dated) He's also commented that she's annoying and he tends to be super negative when he talks about her but he still has her on facebook and they still talk sometimes.

If he was dating a 14-year old girl, that's a problem. What on earth was he thinking to date someone who was under age in every manner of speaking! She's a kid, not a woman, a kid. Do you mind if I call this a red flag?

 

He should not have been dating her in the first place, but the fact he hasn't completely written her off is even more troubling. Do you mind if I call this a red flag, too?

 

He seems to have some insecurities of his own, otherwise he would have broken it off, de-friended her, and have been able to face what ever fallout there was associated with the breakup. So, um, this doesn't strike me as very mature. So, another red flag.

 

He says he's being civil but he hates her because he wasted so much time on her and he realized how annoying she really was

this makes no sense. What kind of person hates his ex and then caters to her?

 

and he had a bunch of nude pictures of her until I found them and asked him to delete them.

She was 14 years old. I have no comment.

 

We live together now and his family and friends both adore me.

You've dated him for 6 months, he's 18, and you're living with him?

 

His parents are pressuring me into marrying him and they're constantly asking why I like him and commenting about how I'm too good for him.

Red flags waving. Can you see them?? If not, do you need me to point them out to you? mmmmmm.

 

He lost a few friends because of his relationship with her

Well, at least someone around there has some common sense.

 

What should I do? How can I be less jealous of her? What should I do when I have moments of jealousy?

Do you really need to ask?

[liverpool fc]

I've thought about asking him to stop talking to her/remove her but that seems overbearing/bitchy-girlfriend mode. What should I do? How can I be less jealous of her? What should I do when I have moments of jealousy? :x

 

jealousy is a powerfull thing in a relationship, its difficult to deal with jealousy in the heat of the moment because of its anger/fear of the person your talking about. i would recommend trying not to show your jealous in front of him because that will create tension and that can lead to arguments. try to enjoy the good moments when he is proud of you and saying he loves you etc. it does sound like you are the girl he enjoys more but im not sure if he feels upset about talking about his past and the memories associated with her and why he is still talking to her. still that is his decision to keep talking to her and there is not much you can do. i hope things turn out well for you with this

[Eeyore79]

he had a bunch of nude pictures of her until I found them and asked him to delete them.

 

You shouldn't have asked him to delete them; you should have called the cops because he had child pornography on his computer. Seriously, why are you dating a guy who has clearly been involved in sexual child abuse?

[sally4sara]

She was 14 when they dated

he had a bunch of nude pictures of her until I found them and asked him to delete them.

his family and friends both adore me.

His friends are always commenting how much better I am than her

His parents are pressuring me into marrying him

 

They're just ecstatic that he stopped molesting children.

 

They didn't APPROVE of her?!? Puleeze. Don't fall prey to self flattery over this. The poor girl is a victim here not some distasteful character they worried was bad for him. They didn't approve of him touching kids and sucking up to you because they worry he will go back to it if you leave.

[citynoise]

You're an adult and she's a child; you have nothing to be jealous of. It's extremely freaky if he has naked photos of an underage child, not to mention illegal. You really need to dump him and date an adult who doesn't break the law.

 

Ah I didn't think this would be such a red flag. :x I originally told him that I wasn't that upset that they were of her but more so because he was 18 now and it was illegal and I wasn't going to visit him in jail. He deleted them on my first request and said he just kinda spaced that they were on his phone. I dunno.

 

Is there stuff about this guy that you're not telling us? I'm thinking there has to be more going on than just him being friends with this kid he used to date.

I'm not sure what else I can add? He's not super childish, to be fair this is the first person I've dated that's been younger than me and he's pretty receptive to talking and being an adult when he needs to be. He's good a listening when I bring up stuff I'm uncomfortable with. There hasn't been any major issues with his maturity (yet). I actually thought he was 21+ when I met him haha. <_< I found out that a co-worker of mine is going after my boyfriend's ex so that lessens the chance of there being more kinda. She also lives 45 mins from us. He told me that she was obsessed with him and used to call/text all the time and he stopped talking to her until she stopped and then was civil.

 

I don't even know where to start. I don't want to harsh on you and I certainly don't want to hurt you, but I'm taking a very hard stand on this.

Please do! I came looking for advice outside of my friends/family because I was tired of hearing "Just talk to him" and "Everythign will work out in the end". I've only had one person ask me wtf I was doing with someone like him and even then my BFF grew to like him.

 

You've dated him for 6 months, he's 18, and you're living with him?

It's a 6 month lease and I'm hoping this will put enough strain on our relationship to either make him grow-up or to break up. My name is the only one on the lease so if for some reason it doesn't work out he has to leave and I get to keep my house. I'm unfortunately not very experienced in the dating scene having only 2 "serious" relationships before this, both of which ended very badly and left me disliking men for a long while.

 

try to enjoy the good moments when he is proud of you and saying he loves you etc. it does sound like you are the girl he enjoys more but im not sure if he feels upset about talking about his past and the memories associated with her and why he is still talking to her. still that is his decision to keep talking to her and there is not much you can do. i hope things turn out well for you with this

Thank you~ We don't have very many arguments. Whenever either of us bring something up that we dislike we're both pretty good at listening and compromising.

 

You shouldn't have asked him to delete them; you should have called the cops because he had child pornography on his computer. Seriously, why are you dating a guy who has clearly been involved in sexual child abuse?

Mm, he just turned 18 when I found them and it's still "legal" kinda. She turned 16 this december so it's still 2 years age difference. Though I do understand this should have been more of a red flag. He didn't sleep with her afaik (and I'd rather not know) she has image issues and didn't like him to see her without makeup. I don't really know the whole story but I wouldn't say it was sexual child abuse. :x They were both underage at the time. If anything I should be getting my hand slapped. He was 17 when I met him and turned 18 a week after we met.

 

They're just ecstatic that he stopped molesting children.

 

They didn't APPROVE of her?!? Puleeze. Don't fall prey to self flattery over this. The poor girl is a victim here not some distasteful character they worried was bad for him. They didn't approve of him touching kids and sucking up to you because they worry he will go back to it if you leave.

...I actually very recently had a conversation about something similar to this. I mentioned that even if something happened to me/him that his friends and family would probably continue to talk to me. They tend to invite me to events and gatherings before they invite him. ><

 

Sorry for quote wars Thank you everyone for replying. I'm not interested in leaving him really since this has been the better of my relationships and this has been the only issue that I can't seem to get over. ><

 

He's worked with me a lot when it comes to her and he's put up with me screaming at him on my bad days. He's stopped talking to her as much and he doesn't bring her up around me. She gets brought up when his friends are around and they've explained it that it's a reminder of how retarded he was and hopefully if they never let him live it down he wont do it ever again. He's agreed to this and says thats one of the reasons why he gets mad when she gets brought up and talks negatively about her.

 

I dunno, I really am happy with him and he's not as childish as his friends. He's grown up a lot in the 6 months we've been together and he's sincere in his actions. He tends to go out of his way for me sometimes if he knows I had a bad day at work or something. I think his friends and family are asking why I'm still around because the girls he's dated have all been really immature and all very "scene". I think I'm the first normal girl he's dated. ;p

 

It makes me incredibly happy that people are responding with a totally different view than what I usually get. Please continue!

 

EDIT: I'm sitting in the kitchen surfing forums and he sent me a message from the living room saying "I can't remember the last time I saw you. ;( Come sit with me!" < he's cute and stuff like that makes me giggly. I don't suspect he's cheating or plans on cheating but I do suspect he wishes she wasn't as young as she is/was and things didn't end the way they did. Also I'm sure if I made a big enough deal out of it he would remove her, but I'd like to hear other options if possible! ^^

Edited January 6, 2011 by citynoise

[Eeyore79]

I found out that a co-worker of mine is going after my boyfriend's ex so that lessens the chance of there being more kinda.

Your co-worker (who I assume is an adult) is going after a 16 year old child, and you haven't called the cops? This is utterly messed up... I really feel for the poor kid who is being abused

[jnj express]

Right now what you are doing is shacking-up with a kid

 

Please don't use the term adult---for either of you----You arn't an adult till you go thru what life brings when you have responsibilities----such as mortgage--emergencies--kids--bills to pay---completely on your own----

 

both of you are in a time of your life---when you should be just out there dating---you should not be hooked up with anyone----go sow your wild oats----go have a good time

 

Instead what have you got going----half the time you are miserable---cuz the guy you are with is still messing around with a 16 yr old----please don't tell me he is amazing---cuz I guarantee you---you don't even know what amazing is----he is just a guy you are having sex with---If you wanna continue to have sex with him---that's fine---just do it as in dating, but do it while you are also going out with others----

 

This is the time of your life to have fun, and do things---not get tied down to a younger guy, who knows even less about life than you do

[citynoise]

Your co-worker (who I assume is an adult) is going after a 16 year old child, and you haven't called the cops? This is utterly messed up... I really feel for the poor kid who is being abused

 

He's 17, turning 18 this summer. Also I really wouldn't call her "abused" she's well aware of their ages and is consenting to a relationship/dating them. Her parents are aware of her dating and tbh dating at 16 isn't that big of news afaik. :x There are 14 year olds getting married and pregnant. I'd much rather you feel sorry for those kids.

 

Please don't use the term adult---for either of you----You arn't an adult till you go thru what life brings when you have responsibilities----such as mortgage--emergencies--kids--bills to pay---completely on your own----

 

both of you are in a time of your life---when you should be just out there dating---you should not be hooked up with anyone----go sow your wild oats----go have a good time

 

Instead what have you got going----half the time you are miserable---cuz the guy you are with is still messing around with a 16 yr old----please don't tell me he is amazing---cuz I guarantee you---you don't even know what amazing is----he is just a guy you are having sex with---If you wanna continue to have sex with him---that's fine---just do it as in dating, but do it while you are also going out with others----

 

This is the time of your life to have fun, and do things---not get tied down to a younger guy, who knows even less about life than you do

 

Adult can have many meanings, being over 18 I'm considered an adult and based on what you consider an adult, I do pay the bills I have been since I was 16 and I take care of my dad who is mentally ill (might be considered a child). I've had medical emergencies over the past 3 years which I've had to deal with myself. My money, my time, my debt.

 

I wouldn't say I'm miserable, I would say I'm jealous and a bit insecure. Seeing as this is one of my better relationship I'm learning slowly but surely how to deal with issues that I haven't had in past relationships. I'm not really interested in dating, this is someone I'm quite happy with and would like to continue this relationship with. He's not messing around with his ex and I'm not really interested in dating multiple men at this point in my life.

 

The internet is a strange place. It's hard to tell from usernames and posts alone how much someone has really been through and how much more information or backstory there is to something. I feel a bit insulted that I'm assumed to not know about life which I think I do have a fairly good idea. I would consider myself a responsible adult who's a bit relationship-challenged. :] Maybe if him and I break up I'll try the whole dating/casual sex thing but for now he does mean a lot to me and it's really not that rare for someone my age to be in a monogamous relationship. At least I'm not married or pregnant which is more than I can say more most highschoolers I know.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice. I took in what everyone has said and thought about it for a few days. I ended up adding her to facebook and talking to her. She's not as immature or annoying as he made her out to be and she gave me her side of the story. Turns out I was overreacting a bit and they don't talk nearly as much as I thought they did. I'm no longer jealous of her.

Edited January 9, 2011 by citynoise

[Eeyore79]

He's 17, turning 18 this summer.

Ah, well if he is also a child then there isn't a legal issue. When you said "co-worker" I assumed you were talking about an adult.

 

Also I really wouldn't call her "abused" she's well aware of their ages and is consenting to a relationship/dating them.

The law deems that a person under the age of consent is unable to give their consent. Which basically means that even if she agrees to sexual activities, it's still against the law because an underage person cannot legally consent to sex.

[Goodstuff]

Holy macro he has nude pictures of her at that age? Lol