runforafall Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I know this is going to be a big battle in my head, but I was the one to initiate NC so I can't go back on it now. Given that my ex specified that she hadnt ruled things out forever and that she needed space to thoroughly think things over and heal from the immediate and acute pain/emotional turmoil, I wonder how I am going to win. By going NC I am never going to know for sure that we are definitely over for good until I know she has either decided that 100% or she is seeing someone else. How can I move on without knowing for sure that we are over forever? Is ignorance really bliss? Or is it just going to leave me in a state of eternal limbo and wondering?
AC06 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 By going NC I am never going to know for sure that we are definitely over for good until I know she has either decided that 100% or she is seeing someone else. How can I move on without knowing for sure that we are over forever? There's different levels of acceptance. I've accepted that my relationship is over "for now". I don't believe it's over "for good". I guess the only thing you really can do is try to keep living your own life, and if something crops up, you cross that bridge when you come to it.
runforafall Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) There's different levels of acceptance. I've accepted that my relationship is over "for now". I don't believe it's over "for good". I guess the only thing you really can do is try to keep living your own life, and if something crops up, you cross that bridge when you come to it. I do accept that my relationship is over "for now" too. And like you I don't believe it's necessarily over "for good". BUT How will I ever be able to properly get on with my life, go in search of someone new if in the back of my mind I will always be thinking to myself "my ex may come back to me," which is something I want more than anything else? What if she meets someone new in a couple of months and/or decides our relationship is definitely over for good. I'll still be in happy land thinking we may get back together, which will not relate to the reality of the situation at that point at all. If I knew she had moved on for good, sure I would be absolutely gutted, and it would hurt a lot more than not knowing, but at least that feeling would be a short term feeling, rather than the long term doubts and question marks that will plague me constantly. Edited January 6, 2011 by runforafall
AC06 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I do accept that my relationship is over "for now" too. And like you I don't believe it's necessarily over "for good". BUT How will I ever be able to properly get on with my life, go in search of someone new if in the back of my mind I will always be thinking to myself "my ex may come back to me," which is something I want more than anything else? What if she meets someone new in a couple of months and/or decides our relationship is definitely over for good. I'll still be in happy land thinking we may get back together, which will not relate to the reality of the situation at that point at all. If I knew she had moved on for good, sure I would be absolutely gutted, and it would hurt a lot more than not knowing, but at least that feeling would be a short term feeling, rather than the long term doubts and question marks that will plague me constantly. Wish I could tell you, I really do, but I'm still dealing with it myself. My ex HAS a new boyfriend, sadly, it didn't make me believe any less that I'll hear off her sooner or later because she "isn't sure" what she wants again.
runforafall Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Wish I could tell you, I really do, but I'm still dealing with it myself. My ex HAS a new boyfriend, sadly, it didn't make me believe any less that I'll hear off her sooner or later because she "isn't sure" what she wants again. How can you be so sure you will hear from her again if she has a new BF? She is clearly moving on...isn't that the motivation you need to accept it may be over for good? My problem is slightly different - I singlehandedly made our relationship one of functional companions, even though there was a lot of love and affection there from both of us. I think that finding out she had a new BF, who I suspect would be able to make her feel the way I failed to make her feel would cement it in my mind that it is over for good. My only chance of her coming back is if she decides before she finds someone else, someone who does things better than I did, that she wants to give things another go, and wants to let me properly address the issues I failed to before.
AC06 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 How can you be so sure you will hear from her again if she has a new BF? She is clearly moving on...isn't that the motivation you need to accept it may be over for good? My problem is slightly different - I singlehandedly made our relationship one of functional companions, even though there was a lot of love and affection there from both of us. I think that finding out she had a new BF, who I suspect would be able to make her feel the way I failed to make her feel would cement it in my mind that it is over for good. My only chance of her coming back is if she decides before she finds someone else, someone who does things better than I did, that she wants to give things another go, and wants to let me properly address the issues I failed to before. It's like a daily race against an unknown timeframe, that wait, hoping they'll figure it out/decide in your favour before it's too late. And I'm not 100% certain I will hear off you, but I'm confident I will at some point. It's a bit of "grass is greener" for her, there's the side of her she wants to be right now (that has a new bf), and then there's the side of her deepest nature, which she hides from everyone (the side that always seems to turn to me). I guess it's a waiting game for me, too. If that other side comes out soon (it usually does so every few weeks), there might be a chance for us. The longer I don't hear off her, though, the less chance there is it could work. I guess one day I'll just have to turn around and accept it's not going to happen.
0hpenelope Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Given that my ex specified that she hadnt ruled things out forever and that she needed space to thoroughly think things over and heal from the immediate and acute pain/emotional turmoil, I wonder how I am going to win. By going NC I am never going to know for sure that we are definitely over for good until I know she has either decided that 100% or she is seeing someone else. How can I move on without knowing for sure that we are over forever? Is ignorance really bliss? Or is it just going to leave me in a state of eternal limbo and wondering? I realized something after I asked my ex that "relationship in the future" question. It's not a fair question to ask both yourself and your ex. I already know that there's a chance, but there's nothing I can do to guarantee it or influence that. I have no control over my ex, so I let him go. I don't know how anyone else comes to realize that he/she has NO control over other people. Let your ex go. Do it for yourself. Pining, desperate hope... We can sense that from people from a mile away. Your ex will just feel awkward in her interactions with you and you will still be heartbroken.
GoingInsane Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Its a difficult question (ignorance v all the gory details) and my answer changes all the time. The pain of hearing full details doesn't calm down anxiety imo - it just makes things worse, more unanswered questions are asked and it can become all consuming. On the other hand, I've found ignorance isn't bliss either. I split with my ex believing that it was all my fault, I didn't give her enough attention, I didn't realise what I had until it was gone. Guilt as an horrific emotion to deal with - it was tearing me up inside. So finding out that my suspicions were correct at the time and she was indeed cheating on me has enabled me to let go of some of that guilt. I guess its getting the balance right though. I know but have still been searching for more information which just hurts every time. And its never enough. I think now I've got to accept that I know the bare facts, know that it wasn't my fault, but I don't need any more graphic details! Doesn't stop me obsessing about it all though.
makelemonade1974 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I do accept that my relationship is over "for now" too. And like you I don't believe it's necessarily over "for good". BUT How will I ever be able to properly get on with my life, go in search of someone new if in the back of my mind I will always be thinking to myself "my ex may come back to me," which is something I want more than anything else? What if she meets someone new in a couple of months and/or decides our relationship is definitely over for good. I'll still be in happy land thinking we may get back together, which will not relate to the reality of the situation at that point at all. If I knew she had moved on for good, sure I would be absolutely gutted, and it would hurt a lot more than not knowing, but at least that feeling would be a short term feeling, rather than the long term doubts and question marks that will plague me constantly. Well, you are never going to know if she's moved on for good, and I don't think the fact that she's seeing someone means that she's "moved on," unless there's evidence that she's seriously committed to him. I don't want to give you false hope here - just my two cents. I think a lot of women like to be in relationships all the time, or they think that dating will help them to get over you. I've been dating, for example, and I still feel like my ex is the only man in the universe. Now granted, I'm not dating seriously - just going out every now and then for dinner or drinks. I feel like I should at least try to put myself out there instead of sitting at home moping. I think it takes time to get over the end of a relationship. Usually there's messy circumstances, hurt feelings, etc. You have to give it a lot of time to know for sure. I'm sure people will jump all over me for this because we are supposed to accept it is over and move on, not wait for reconciliation, but I think that's a process that is neither enabled nor hindered by daydreaming about reconciliation. Such hope is merely a coping mechanism for the pain right now. Best of luck to you.
poorguy Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Well, you are never going to know if she's moved on for good, and I don't think the fact that she's seeing someone means that she's "moved on," unless there's evidence that she's seriously committed to him. I don't want to give you false hope here - just my two cents. I think a lot of women like to be in relationships all the time, or they think that dating will help them to get over you. I've been dating, for example, and I still feel like my ex is the only man in the universe. Now granted, I'm not dating seriously - just going out every now and then for dinner or drinks. I feel like I should at least try to put myself out there instead of sitting at home moping. I think it takes time to get over the end of a relationship. Usually there's messy circumstances, hurt feelings, etc. You have to give it a lot of time to know for sure. I'm sure people will jump all over me for this because we are supposed to accept it is over and move on, not wait for reconciliation, but I think that's a process that is neither enabled nor hindered by daydreaming about reconciliation. Such hope is merely a coping mechanism for the pain right now. Best of luck to you. I agree with the hope of them coming back. I went through that all summer. I was sure she would come back and sometimes I told myself that even though she had a new man. It's a coping mechanism that your mind uses. What I found happened over time is I stoppped thinking that so much without even trying to. It sort of just went away. Now I still think of her but not in the she's coming back sort of way.
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