dng Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) There seems to be two type of people out there. Some believe ignorance is a bliss, and some believe knowing the truth is better. Which one are you and which one works out better in the long run? I'm in the second camp. I have a huge, powerful imagination machine at my service. It works like a little champ and allows me to do art and and and... But sometimes it turns to my ex and creates all those stories around the little feeble details that I know about. Then my brain will torture me replaying those stories over and over and over again - and we when talk I will focus on that and come down on her like an eagle from the sky and ask a thousand questions. Usually it calms me down to know what's really going on instead of imagining the worst, but all that comes at a price of getting really hurt sometimes - not to mention I feel like a crazy person at times. She's in the first camp. She knows I've been moving on and seeing people. She doesn't ask a question and doesn't want to know. She doesn't seem happier than I am but she's not torturing herself with anything that happens outside of stuff that happens between us. Some of you will say "Don't concern yourself with what she does, you two are done" and I agree. One of the point of NC is to avoid that, as well. The thing is being how she is allows her to be LC without losing too much sleep at night. I'm just putting this out there as a general inquiry point. Edited January 5, 2011 by dng
AC06 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm stuck in the middle. At present my ex has just gotten a new boyfriend, which obviously overlaps with when she was reconciling with me/leading me on. It's been torturing me for months knowing that there's obviously alot of people who want her, and those people are close to her and see her all the time. Part of me knows that knowing who it is will do me no good. I don't need to know, it won't change my situation to know. Another part of me feels like I HAVE to know, if only because I need to know how much I hate her for it. I'm, for the moment, as much as I'm struggling with it, sticking to no contact. Hopefully I can, in which case, ignorance is bliss.
abust1 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Well our situations are a little different since you are LC and I am NC, but from a NC perspective I have been torn as well. There are mutual friends out there that I could find out things from, but based on my reactions to the little bit of info I've gathered in the past it's best to stay IGNORANT. Sure, my mind is infatuated with exploring every little possibility of what is going on in her life (especially when I wake up at 4AM everyday), but those creative explorations are the most powerful and painful when they are built on some painful truth, a starting point. As I expand NC (NC including no facebook, friends, internet stalking, all the good stuff our friendly LS experts preach), my mind runs out of fantasizing starting points to and I can grieve without a new impeding fog of pain. The truths resolve nothing, when it's over, it's over. At first you'll try to find out everything you can, and go suffer for a while. Next round, you'll start trying to find out everything you can, then stop before you've exhausted it. This dwindles until you realize you just have to STOP completely. My experience at least.
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Wanting to know, asking questions will always lead you down an endless rabbit hole. Seeking the "truth" will never calm you down, in fact it gives you more anxiety. Because for every answer you get, another question pops up. And what if you don't like their answer? It is borderline idiotic to think you'll discover every aspect and think that it'll will solve all of your problems. Ignorance really is bliss, because you accept it for it is on the surface. Accept that no matter what you know, even if you know 100%, you can't fix the problem lickety split. If it looks like a pile of poo, smells like a pile of poo, do you really need to investigate further?
Author dng Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I think for me it comes from a general attitude and way of being. "The more you know" so no one can take advantage. I think I've reached a maturity level that allows me to decide that not everyone is out to get me and that one approach doesn't fit all problems. I'm not LC btw, I'm NC. Like I said, this is just a general discussion I wanted to start.
GreenPolicy Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) I have been torturing myself a lot lately with wondering what she is up to and if she is seeing somebody. It's 2.5 months on since the split (I was the dumpee) and I am only now starting to think about dating again and wanting companionship, so I am sure for her as the dumper, it is idiotic for me to think she is sitting at home doing some sort of sabbatical from dating. She's a strong Christian, so I know she did not cheat on me. I doubt she lined up another r/l behind my back before splitting, but if some guy she finds attractive pursues her, I don't think she's going to be demurring and say "Oh no, I need to take some time after breaking up my ex before dating again." I know that these thoughts about what she is up to and who she may be with will calm down as time goes on. When people break up with you, they are never 100 percent honest, but the gist of why they are breaking up with you comes through no matter what the words are. In my case my ex said something to me a few weeks before the b/u that was very similar to the language she used when she did pull the trigger. So that tells me she contemplated her decision for a few weeks and it was an issue about how she felt about me and our r/l that led to the split. The absolute last thing I want to do is go check her fb and have an image of her and another guy seared into my head. There WILL be a replacement. Chances are there already is a replacement. My focus needs to be on me. If we are meant to be together again, the universe will conspire to make that happen. In the meantime, I am going to focus on myself, get to healing, and then find her replacement. Trust me, news = hurt. Even if they are still single, they are choosing that over being with you. As time goes on, the need for answers will dissipate as you turn the focus on yourself and away from them. Edited January 5, 2011 by GreenPolicy
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Honesty facilitates clarity which facilitates acceptance.
cerridwen Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Honesty facilitates clarity which facilitates acceptance. ^^^ 100 % agree. I wish I could "Favorite" you Carhill. I love your posts.
AC06 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Honesty facilitates clarity which facilitates acceptance. Or perhaps, "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery"? Either way, honesty is not something one is likely to get in most cases.
homebrew Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 For me... I don't see the point in it. There is nothing I am going to find that will make me feel better or bring my EX back to me. There is no upside and the downside is very painful. I didn't know her / gather information / stalk her before I met her... Why would I want to do that after we break up? I didn't care what she did before me because I didn't know her and I wasn't a part of her life... We are broke up now so I don't care what she does after me because I don't know her and I am not a part of her life. Also, how is the information gathering / stalking going to help you in your next relationship? I highly doubt your new love will care or even want to talk about it. Seems like a big waste of time and energy to me.
Fern Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Ignorance is bliss. I unblocked my exes new GF on FB a few weeks ago and even though there was nothing on her page particularly indiscreet or hurtful (in fact it made me feel like she wasn't exactly having a ball stepping into my shoes) but having the option to snoop kept me snooping obsessively for a day or two and kept me thinking about the situation. As soon as I blocked her again I felt better. It DOESN'T MATTER, is the point. KNOWING changes nothing. If you worry - you die, if you don't worry - you die. So why worry?
makelemonade1974 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm struggling with this too. I really really really want to know what he's doing, but only if what he's doing is feeling like crap and missing me like crazy lol. I know it's not going to help, but going from total knowledge to complete ignorance is a difficult leap. I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact that I know his personality so well and his tendencies, etc. that I can guess what he's up to these days. But I think I have it easier than some of the guys here because my ex is a workaholic, very introverted, not exactly a hottie, and he went for three years of celibacy before our relationship, so I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping around and I'd be surprised if he's even dating. But that doesn't help. He's somewhere not caring about me
GreenPolicy Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 My ex is either involved with somebody or single. Either way, she is choosing that over being with me. Neither of those things makes me feel better. I would certainly prefer that she is single, but what does it matter? That's gonna change sooner or later.
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I think for me it comes from a general attitude and way of being. "The more you know" so no one can take advantage. I think I've reached a maturity level that allows me to decide that not everyone is out to get me and that one approach doesn't fit all problems. I'm not LC btw, I'm NC. Like I said, this is just a general discussion I wanted to start. Okay, but at what point will you know everything about your situation so you stop asking questions? How much is enough? What if they refuse to answer? What if they lie? What if you don't like it? Now, you've got more questions based on the previous answer. When do you stop? How many experiments are you going to do on the pile of poo to convince yourself that it really is just a pile of poo? One approach does fit. It's called accepting it for what it is, then moving on with your life.
makelemonade1974 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 But it's not a pile of poo!! Okay, fine. It's a pile of poo. lmao
homebrew Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) For me... Goodbye... says it all! Do you not believe your EX when they dumped you? Do you need them to PROVE it to you? The fact they no longer want to be with you, isn't enough? Let's not gloss over the truth either! I have read thousand of posts... I have never found one like this: I am the dumpee... I have feelings for my EX... I went to their facebook / I contacted them and saw / they told me about their new relationship... Nothing has ever made me feel so happy! I am out of my depression! I just got my "mojo" back! That didn't hurt one bit! I feel so much better having done that! Why didn't I do this months ago?!? I am healed! If you know of a post where this has happened... Please post it. I doubt you will ever find one. However, I could link 1,000+ posts where someone made contact or looked at their facebook and regretted it! Edited January 5, 2011 by homebrew
YellowShark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 For me ignorance is bliss. Since she took my heart and stomped on it by cheating on me twice, I no longer feel any need or desire to waste anymore time on her. Nor do I care what she is up to. She made a choice and that choice is a world without me giving a s**t anymore. I find that very liberating.
ccfan Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Well.... for me it´s still a rollercoaster... right now i´d say that i don´t want to know anythink about her.... but if it´s 3am , I can´t sleep and the computer is there... I would probably do a search, check her facebook, etc... ... the result: I end up feeling WAY, WAY worse if i get any kind of info (even if there´s no new info at all) that if I didn´t do a search. I prefer ignorance
carhill Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Or perhaps, "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery"? Either way, honesty is not something one is likely to get in most cases. I'm just relating how it worked for myself. One opinion. One datapoint. I practice it daily and find it to be efficacious in dealing with what life throws. As evidenced, others have different methodologies and paths. Big world, lots of room.
Author dng Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Okay, but at what point will you know everything about your situation so you stop asking questions? How much is enough? What if they refuse to answer? What if they lie? What if you don't like it? Now, you've got more questions based on the previous answer. When do you stop? How many experiments are you going to do on the pile of poo to convince yourself that it really is just a pile of poo? One approach does fit. It's called accepting it for what it is, then moving on with your life. This is the usual mecanism. You want to know something and it leads to 10 more questions, and it's never enought and it never ends and you drive yourself mad and push the other person away. I had to learn it the hard way I suppose. Now I wonder if you can go from one camp to the other in a lifetime.
Akumark Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Wanting to know, asking questions will always lead you down an endless rabbit hole. Seeking the "truth" will never calm you down, in fact it gives you more anxiety. Because for every answer you get, another question pops up. And what if you don't like their answer? It is borderline idiotic to think you'll discover every aspect and think that it'll will solve all of your problems. Ignorance really is bliss, because you accept it for it is on the surface. Accept that no matter what you know, even if you know 100%, you can't fix the problem lickety split. If it looks like a pile of poo, smells like a pile of poo, do you really need to investigate further? Yes! We all learned it the hard way !
Akumark Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 you Make some good points here Homebrew, but I must disagree. I am an honesty kind of guy. If there is/was a problem I need to know about it, but after the fact, then ignorance is bliss, I suppose that makes me somewhat in the middle. I just don't buy into the whole " break up and not honestly explain why" thing. I feel like I am open and honest with pretty much everything ( I'm not perfect, I have done my share of lying, but I try to be as truthful as possible) therefore others should be the same way... You said you NEED to know about it so what happen when you keep asking questions to someone who doesn't care to give you the fact, you fall in the hole until you get tired hurting yourself.
0hpenelope Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 There seems to be two type of people out there. Some believe ignorance is a bliss, and some believe knowing the truth is better. Which one are you and which one works out better in the long run? When I'm healing, I'm in the "ignorance is bliss" mindset. Anything that my ex is doing will not help me feel better. I'm not over him, nothing he says or does will make me feel better - not even his apology, because to me it feels cheap. "You're apologizing for hurting me because you're throwing away all of the times we shared, you don't want me around anymore? F*ck that, keep that damn apology. If you're going, just go on already will you?" Apologies from exes have always felt backhanded to me and this comes after I get through the initial emotionally high stages of being left behind (with the normal dumpee mistakes thrown in the mix). I deal with knowing the truth after healing. I find out something, shrug, and say "Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore," then I go on with my business.
Author dng Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Well. Here's another situation to weigh in the idea. I was seriously entertaining the idea of taking my ex back. There's another thread about this in "second changes" but to make a short story, I discovered she was still seeing the other guy the whole time she was sending me soul tearing emails about having made a mistake. She weaved a whole network of lies to cover this up and to cover up his identity. Now that I know this, its very clear to me she's too damaged, too depressed or too confused in her life to be someone I could be with. Would it have been better for me to ignore these facts and go on with restarting something with her? I know for a fact that once you start something with someone and you like them its very hard to end it until it has run its course. I was headed right for love triangle and I'm glad I dodged it.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Would it have been better for me to ignore these facts and go on with restarting something with her? IgnorING isn't the same as IgnorANCE. or am I missing something?
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