How to act?

[Soxfaninfl]

My wife and I have been separated for 10 months, and we are taking our 7 year old son to counceling to help him cope. She wants the divorce, but I do not. We've been married for 10 years. I have given up trying to get her to give me a chance. I tried counceling with her, but she didnt like therapy. I then tried separation, but that hasnt worked. I suggested retrouvaille, and she refused that also. I tried to see if she would see the pastor from our church too and she refused that too. I have promised her everything but with no success. I have also read several books to improve the relationship, but she has refuses all my attempts to reconcile. She told me that she fell out of love, and that I was selfish, didn't listen and took her for granted. She told men that she knows herself and she can not fal back in love with me. She is still very angry at me. She told my son last week that she hates me and she doesn't love me. My questions should I try to make conversation with her and compliment her when I see her? Any advice would be appreciated. We spend an hour in the waiting room when my son is with the councelor.

[Yasuandio]

I think the free excerpts from Homer McDonald, author of Stop Your Divorce would give you some great ideas on "how to act."One of the sites has all the free excerpts in one place. Very soon you will receive the outstanding advice from the LS community on "no contact" (aka NC). I wish I knew how to copy the links but sorry, I do not no how.

I dont want to sound discouraging. However, it was some honest, straight forward talk that i recieved on LS that truely shifted my paradigm back to reality after two years of denial. Therefore, I will venture to share what I have come across in my research several times. Often, when a woman asks for a divorce, she has thought about it carefully over a long period of time, and the decision is firm in her mind.

 

I've known a woman that did this, walking out on her entire family, husband and 5 older kids. She had an apartment all set up, and brought items from the house to her new digs one at a time. I was amazed at how exciting it seemed to be for her. There was no going back for her, she was done with the husband. This lady had cancer on top of it. I tell you this story bc I observed first hand the MO I've read about. That doesn't mean it's going to

happen to you. But, you may want to consider that she's had it on her mind

for a while, and perhaps has done some planning.

 

I think any conversation, or time together is the perfect time to implement Homer Mc's stratagies. Which would include agreeing with every single thing she says as if it sounds like a 100 percent perfect idea. I wish I knew about HM years ago.

[Soxfaninfl]

The last time I tried to reconcile with her she said she just wanted the divorce. This was in September. I spoke to my lawyer, and he told me that I could keep the house if I could get her name off the loan. I was unsuccessful. I told my lawyer a week before Xmas that she could stay in the house and keep my name so we would not have to short sale or forclose on our home. I have made no contact with her unless I have to regarding our son. I haven't heard back from my lawyer. Before September she was constantly emailing me to get the divorce going. Now she has not talked about it. It will be hard for her to afford the house on her own. Every time we have been in the waiting room at the counselors office she has said nothing to me.

[health]

A relationship can't work if one person is doing all the counciling and the other is simply refusing it. What is that? You've done every thing you can and beyond. It sounds like you did so many things to try to keep her.

 

I would say just let it go. give her the divorce she wants. Heal for a year with no relationships - then find an incredible woman with integrity who is attractive and loves you as much as you love her. While your sorry excuse for a wife sees there is nothing better out there for her.

 

Keep trying for it if you want - but don't be a doormat - get what you want too!

[Soxfaninfl]

At this point I was really trying for my son. He was taking the separation pretty hard, and I wanted to protect him from future potential bf's that she might hook up with. I didn't grow up this way, so I didn't want that life for him. Her parents divorced when she was 14, so I don't know why she wanted to put her son through a divorce. My parents have been together for 38 years and trust me it hasn't been somoth sailing for them. They have separated six times. I believed in for better or worse. I wasn't a drunk, a drug addict, I wasn't verbally or physically abusive either. I've been commited to her for 12 years. I did half of everything around the house. I was involved in my sons life . I was a coach on his baseball team. I hardky went out with friends too. Money was a big problem, and i was depressed that i ould not fix our money problems. I thought she was depressed becuase of our money problems, her medical problem and her job. She took a pay cut to come and work at the same company, so we could spend mire time together as a family. She would bottle up her feelings to avoid fights. She is 5,6 and weight almost 200 pounds, but I loved her no matter what. I have been trying to get back into shape, so I can eventually start dating in the future. I will not date until the divorce is final. I'm also seeing a counselor.

[iheartboobs]

If you still want to try and get her back (though, I don't see why you would), you really need to give her space. Women are emotional, not logical, creatures. So even though the logical part of her brain may be saying "your husband's right, you should try to work things out", it's being drowned out by the emotional part screaming "YOU'RE UNHAPPY! GET AWAY!" any you're what she's decided she needs to get away from.

 

The harder you push yourself on her, the harder she's going to pull away from you.

 

You've got to quit trying to make things work out if you're going to have any hope of actually making things work out. Yeah, that's pretty counter-intuitive, but you've got to quit constantly being around when she's unhappy and let her be unhappy by herself before it's going to click in her brain that maybe you're not 100% to blame for her unhappiness.

 

I can't tell you that this is definitely going to work, it may not, but I can tell you that what you've been doing hasn't worked and isn't going to magically start.

 

...and if that doesn't work, then **** that hobbit and go find someone better.

[robf1971]

. My questions should I try to make conversation with her and compliment her when I see her?.

 

You say " Hi how are you?",

 

keep it light, you are acting upbeat and positive then look at your watch,

 

"Im running a little late and have to head out for an hour, see you then, bye"

 

DO not bring up any relationship talk, if she brings it up say,

 

"If you want to chat about this I'm all ears but not right now, call me later, I have to go meet someone "

 

Keep it vague, if she asks you who your meeting, you say "a friend", then head off to Starbucks or go for a walk for an hour

[robf1971]

If you still want to try and get her back (though, I don't see why you would), you really need to give her space. Women are emotional, not logical, creatures. So even though the logical part of her brain may be saying "your husband's right, you should try to work things out", it's being drowned out by the emotional part screaming "YOU'RE UNHAPPY! GET AWAY!" any you're what she's decided she needs to get away from.

 

The harder you push yourself on her, the harder she's going to pull away from you.

 

You've got to quit trying to make things work out if you're going to have any hope of actually making things work out. Yeah, that's pretty counter-intuitive, but you've got to quit constantly being around when she's unhappy and let her be unhappy by herself before it's going to click in her brain that maybe you're not 100% to blame for her unhappiness.

 

I.

 

Totally right,

 

Everything you've been doing can be construed as pursuit. Stop it!!

Let her call you, and when she does let it go to voicemail (unless it's about the kid). Don't respond to any of her txts. When you do call her back, maybe after an hour or two, tell her

 

"I'd love to talk, but I'm heading out right now"

 

No nastiness, no vindictiveness in your voice, but you need to convey that your not pining over her anymore, your happy, with a full life and moving on. Once she gets this "I don't care vibe" from you anymore, thats when she might start sniffing you out. As much as this hurts you need to see it as a game of chess.

[hopesndreams]

She told my son last week that she hates me and she doesn't love me.

 

You want to be with this woman why exactly?

 

Since you have been separated for 10 months there is no doubt she has been seeing other men. You need to move on.

 

Only talk about your son, that's it, that's all. Do not let her in on what is going on in your life. It's no longer any of her business. Get the D.

[Soxfaninfl]

She is not seeing anyone. I have asked the few friends that she has. I also did some snooping around to find out. Thank you everyone for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I know I should move on, but she was my first true love, and I have a son with her. I do miss my son when he is with her. Plus, I never told another women that I loved her, and I still care for her.

[blizzard]

My wife and I have been separated for 10 months, and we are taking our 7 year old son to counceling to help him cope. She wants the divorce, but I do not. We've been married for 10 years. I have given up trying to get her to give me a chance. I tried counceling with her, but she didnt like therapy. I then tried separation, but that hasnt worked. I suggested retrouvaille, and she refused that also. I tried to see if she would see the pastor from our church too and she refused that too. I have promised her everything but with no success. I have also read several books to improve the relationship, but she has refuses all my attempts to reconcile. She told me that she fell out of love, and that I was selfish, didn't listen and took her for granted. She told men that she knows herself and she can not fal back in love with me. She is still very angry at me. She told my son last week that she hates me and she doesn't love me. My questions should I try to make conversation with her and compliment her when I see her? Any advice would be appreciated. We spend an hour in the waiting room when my son is with the councelor.

 

I am saying this softheartedly... But I am sort of appalled at all the negativity toward your wife...and amazed how posters have made you into martyr. Simply because you are now ready to change. Your wife has more than likely walked away from your marriage years ago. Typically, when you fall out of love in a marriage that is what happens. A woman doesn't just stop loving you and exclaim "lets divorce!" The marriage has probably been a slow death for her. In this situation it is so hard to place blame. And it's sad. Maybe communication was at fault. Maybe she tried in her own way for years and you didn't see it. It's sad because it is as if you guys have never been on the same page. Now you want to fix things, maybe change...when maybe she wanted that from you years ago. Look, no one is a winner in this situation and there aren't any bad guys. Your marriage has fallen apart in front of both of your eyes. You both let it happen. You can't be hostile with her now because she doesn't feel that spark to repair now...she probably had that same spark a long time ago...hence the resentment "now you want to go fix it" idea. I am just so sorry. It sounds like a hit or miss in communication between you both sort of destructed your marriage.

[Soxfaninfl]

I am saying this softheartedly... But I am sort of appalled at all the negativity toward your wife...and amazed how posters have made you into martyr. Simply because you are now ready to change. Your wife has more than likely walked away from your marriage years ago. Typically, when you fall out of love in a marriage that is what happens. A woman doesn't just stop loving you and exclaim "lets divorce!" The marriage has probably been a slow death for her. In this situation it is so hard to place blame. And it's sad. Maybe communication was at fault. Maybe she tried in her own way for years and you didn't see it. It's sad because it is as if you guys have never been on the same page. Now you want to fix things, maybe change...when maybe she wanted that from you years ago. Look, no one is a winner in this situation and there aren't any bad guys. Your marriage has fallen apart in front of both of your eyes. You both let it happen. You can't be hostile with her now because she doesn't feel that spark to repair now...she probably had that same spark a long time ago...hence the resentment "now you want to go fix it" idea. I am just so sorry. It sounds like a hit or miss in communication between you both sort of destructed your marriage.

 

I never said it was all her fault. It takes two to make a marriage fall apart. I'm just amazed that everything I've tried has failed to get a chance to reconcile. We started to have problems six years ago (we were together for 2 years and married for 4 years), so I suggested counseling. We went a few times, and she decided that she didn't want to go anymore. She didn't give me a reason. She said she didn't want to anymore. My mistake was that I should have kept going myself. Flash forward six years later. I suggest counseling again when she told me that she wanted a divorce and was not in love with me anymore. I asked her why again did she quite counseling the first time when went to counseling in March of 2010, and she told me that she felt that the counselor we were seeing was bias towards me. Why would a counselor be bias towards one person? The second time around we only went to two sessions together, and she didn't even give it a chance. I thought things got better after the first time we went to counseling. See seemed happy again. Obviously I was wrong. Her dad died four years ago, and then she developed a medical problem that would cause bone infections. This is a recurring problem that comes and goes and it causes her pain. She had her faults too, and I'm not saying I was perfect either. My stbx bottled up her feelings to avoid fights. We hardly ever fought. Which I thought was odd. I just thought we got along real good. She also never screamed at me during our relationship when she got upset about something. I asked her why she didn't tell me why she was unhappy, and she told me that she didn't like confrontation. We had our first real fight six years into the relationship where I walked out of the house to get away from her for a few hours. I was never verbally abusive by calling her names. I yelled at her a few times, but I never put her down. The worst thing I said to her was "are you crazy". She wanted to quite her job and find a new job with out another job lined up. Plus we did have savings at the time. We had only been living in our first home for one year, and our son was a year old. I had asked her too why she never suggested counseling during our marriage after we were separated, and she said she didn't like therapy. Obviously she didn't want to change and didn't like what she was hearing. That is probably why she felt that the counselor was bias towards me. I also picked women counselors both times because I thought she would feel more comfortable with a women. I realized after the separation that our communication was very bad for quite some time, but she never suggested any books for me or us to read to improve the relationship neither any marriage retreats or classes which I did, but she refused all of it. I was always the romantic one in the marriage, and she hardly did anything romantic which frustrated me through the entire relationship. She also never did anything with me that I liked to do that she didn't. I would do things with her that I didn't like. That also frustrated me. She is still very angry, and unwilling to see a counselor about her anger towards me. I had suggested it to her right after the separation, but she refused to see one. I also suggested it especially for the sake of our son. I know that we did grow apart, and the emotional intimacy was non existent. We were having sex at least once a week. We also spend too much time together for four straight years. We worked at the same company for four years, so we were always together. When she came to work at the company I was at, she took a big pay cut which made things worse and now we were very tight for money for four straight years. We woke up together, we ate breakfast together, rode to work together, ate lunch together, rode home together and ate dinner together. She had no friends (her two best friends moved out of state), and she has always had problems making friends. The one friend that she had at the office I heard she pissed off, and now they are not friends anymore. I have tried to do everything to save this marriage especially for our son, but she has not made an effort at all. The only effort that she did make was to go to two counseling secessions, and both times she said that she didn't want this anymore. She even didn't make an attempt. She said she wanted to be friends, and I said why do you want to be friends with me if your so miserable with me? She said because we wouldn't have to live together and make decision together. I told her that I had no interest in being her friend. If she didn't want me in her life as her husband then she wouldn't have me at all. I told her I would be civil when I see her for the sake of our son but that would be it. I told her she can't have her cake and eat it too.

Edited January 6, 2011 by Soxfaninfl

[norm28]

She told my son last week that she hates me and she doesn't love me.

 

It always strikes me as odd when people say this. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's complete indifference. That's why you need to show that you are moving on with your life.

[Soxfaninfl]

It always strikes me as odd when people say this. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's complete indifference. That's why you need to show that you are moving on with your life.

 

She told me that she could not fall back in love with me be because she would always worry that I would go back to my old ways. I told her I would not risk losing her again and that I wanted to be the husband that she wanted, but she didn't believe me.

[solitary_man]

how to "act?" If you have to "act" a certain way to be with someone, you're not being fair to her OR you.

 

asking how to act is like admitting that she doesn't like you for who/what you are. You feel the need to act a certain way to get her back. Why should you have to?

 

So my answer is: you don't act like anything. You be who you are and live life. I'm sorry things have fallen apart between you, but everyone here will tell you that pawing after your STBX will only drive her away faster.

 

The stupidest thing about being left is your spouse never TRULY considers reconciliation until she senses you have given up on her. And sadly, the only way to be convincing in that is by actually giving up on her.

[Soxfaninfl]

how to "act?" If you have to "act" a certain way to be with someone, you're not being fair to her OR you.

 

asking how to act is like admitting that she doesn't like you for who/what you are. You feel the need to act a certain way to get her back. Why should you have to?

 

So my answer is: you don't act like anything. You be who you are and live life. I'm sorry things have fallen apart between you, but everyone here will tell you that pawing after your STBX will only drive her away faster.

 

The stupidest thing about being left is your spouse never TRULY considers reconciliation until she senses you have given up on her. And sadly, the only way to be convincing in that is by actually giving up on her.

 

I'm just going to say hi and bye when I see her, and I won't make small talk. We have always kept it civil thank god when we have seen each other. At this point I have given up trying to reconcile with her. I was trying for our son, and also so we wouldn't have to lose our house (we have negative equity) I'm ready to move on and want the divorce to be done and final if we are not going to get back together. I just want this nightmare to end, so I can move on with my life and find someone else. The loneliness is killing me. I want to know what it feels like to be loved again by a woman.

[marqueemoon4]

Just the fact she's telling your son she hates you and doesn't love you anymore is enough for you to know she isn't someone you want to be with. That's so unfair to your son.

[Soxfaninfl]

Just the fact she's telling your son she hates you and doesn't love you anymore is enough for you to know she isn't someone you want to be with. That's so unfair to your son.

 

We went to counseling on Thursday, and she denied telling my son that she hated me. She however did admit that she told my son that she didn't love me anymore. The counselor told her that it was not good for her to say these things to him. She needs to see a counselor to help her deal with her issues and anger, but she refuses. I told her that she should do this for her son. I wanted for us to have a chance to fall back in love with each other, but now I know I won't get that chance.

[marqueemoon4]

We went to counseling on Thursday, and she denied telling my son that she hated me. She however did admit that she told my son that she didn't love me anymore. The counselor told her that it was not good for her to say these things to him. She needs to see a counselor to help her deal with her issues and anger, but she refuses. I told her that she should do this for her son. I wanted for us to have a chance to fall back in love with each other, but now I know I won't get that chance.

 

My stbx and I tried marriage counseling 2.5mos after we separated, at that point it was way too late. She had checked out months before and was just looking for validation that she was doing the right thing. Again, it takes two, and if you're the only one trying then its just gonna cause you misery. I struggled with the same thing, I miss my ex very much and would still do anything to work things out, but she refuses. She's moved on and all I am at this point is a babysitter and a monthly paycheck.

Edited January 8, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[sleep.less]

I have promised her everything but with no success. I have also read several books to improve the relationship, but she has refuses all my attempts to reconcile. She told me that she fell out of love, and that I was selfish, didn't listen and took her for granted. She told men that she knows herself and she can not fal back in love with me. She is still very angry at me. She told my son last week that she hates me and she doesn't love me.

 

I don't know if I am the right person to comment here, but I want to, because I think, I can relate to your wife and her predicament, when she says, "she fell out of love, and that I was selfish, didn't listen and took her for granted."

 

I faced a similar situation, but I loved my partner so very much, that I kept trying. I blv for almost 3 yrs, but eventually even I arrived at a point in time, where I felt that he just didnt bother or care enough for me! That he was too busy chasing work, busy chasing enough money for his parents and siblings, to care for me or US!

 

Look, taking someone or a relationship for granted, is the worst possible thing we can do to ourself or the other person involved. Afterall, we're all ordinary humans, not superhuman to decipher what the other person has it in his / her heart. And lapse in communication can only make things worst, for it leaves tremendous room for confusion, doubt, and assumptions. Eventually a once perfect relationship becomes a burden. You feel that the once loving partner is your worst enemy! And once that happens, Insecurity, arguments and hatred creep in, people start getting tired, to the point, that leaving looks better than holding on!

 

Hope whatever I am rambling is making some sense atleast.... And blv me, if you really love her and want her back, please go all out to make her feel she's wanted, that she's important to you! Dont let anything come between you two.... see if what she said is indeed what actually happened, then take the onus of it, and try to correct things rightaway. Give her what she missed, and what she really wanted! Believe me, she will come back to you! Afterall, at the end of it we all want true love, isn't it? Please don't let anything stupid come between you..... not any pastor or counsellor can make her feel the way you can make her feel! So go out and do it, for her! Not for your son, not for yourself! Because that would be unfair to her..... go back to her, make her wanted because you want her, not because you want to save your family or not because you think your son needs her! That convenience won't last for long!

 

And remember, something that broke over a period of time, can never mend overnight! Persevere, she will love you for it! Let he know you're sincere in your efforts.... and you're indeed waiting for her!

Edited January 8, 2011 by sleep.less

[Soxfaninfl]

I don't know if I am the right person to comment here, but I want to, because I think, I can relate to your wife and her predicament, when she says, "she fell out of love, and that I was selfish, didn't listen and took her for granted."

 

I faced a similar situation, but I loved my partner so very much, that I kept trying. I blv for almost 3 yrs, but eventually even I arrived at a point in time, where I felt that he just didnt bother or care enough for me! That he was too busy chasing work, busy chasing enough money for his parents and siblings, to care for me or US!

 

Look, taking someone or a relationship for granted, is the worst possible thing we can do to ourself or the other person involved. Afterall, we're all ordinary humans, not superhuman to decipher what the other person has it in his / her heart. And lapse in communication can only make things worst, for it leaves tremendous room for confusion, doubt, and assumptions. Eventually a once perfect relationship becomes a burden. You feel that the once loving partner is your worst enemy! And once that happens, Insecurity, arguments and hatred creep in, people start getting tired, to the point, that leaving looks better than holding on!

 

Hope whatever I am rambling is making some sense atleast.... And blv me, if you really love her and want her back, please go all out to make her feel she's wanted, that she's important to you! Dont let anything come between you two.... see if what she said is indeed what actually happened, then take the onus of it, and try to correct things rightaway. Give her what she missed, and what she really wanted! Believe me, she will come back to you! Afterall, at the end of it we all want true love, isn't it? Please don't let anything stupid come between you..... not any pastor or counsellor can make her feel the way you can make her feel! So go out and do it, for her! Not for your son, not for yourself! Because that would be unfair to her..... go back to her, make her wanted because you want her, not because you want to save your family or not because you think your son needs her! That convenience won't last for long!

 

And remember, something that broke over a period of time, can never mend overnight! Persevere, she will love you for it! Let he know you're sincere in your efforts.... and you're indeed waiting for her!

 

Believe me I tried everything. I professed my love to her countless times in person, email, IM's and text messages and told her that I wanted to make our marriage better than it's ever been. I was always very affectionate with her and told her I loved her everyday. I showed love by doing things for her, but I realized her love language was different than mine (5 Love languages by Gary Chapman).She also took me for granted, and I felt unappreciated since I did half of everything, I worked hard, and I was a good father. I didn't drink or smoke nor did I ever cheat. I wasn't verbally or physically abusive. We lost the passion in our relationship because it was always one sided. She never did anything romantic to keep the relationship vibrant and alive. I used to send her emails daily telling her I love her with images of love, I would buy roses once a month, and I would leave her notes telling her I loved her and how special she was to me, but she never did this for me. When separated I would leave her roses in her car with love letters, but that didn't work either. I have given up! I think she needs to see that the grass is not greener on the other side and time to reflect and see how hard it will be for her on her own(I'm paying half the bills while she still lives in the house). Maybe in a few years if I am still single, and she is also I will ask her out on a date and try to rekindle what we had. Other people have said this that I did everything possible. I can't help someone that is unwilling to give an effort or willing to change and look at her own faults.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Soxfaninfl