quietGuy13 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If you, a man, have a painful condition where you cannot have sex.. and it's not just impotence wher eyou can be helped by meds etc, that's gonna be hard for women who like sex or who want a family naturally. Should i tell them in the beginning when we first start dating to not get their hopes up? i've been dealing with this condition for 6 years. pain all the time, there's no solution from any doctors. cause it's rare. Anyways, how and when should i let girls know? most normal healhty girls who are healthy expect and dream of a healthy normal guy with no problems down there so i feel its gonna be really tough for me to find someone.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Immediately. It's the only way to find out if she's a keeper or not. You owe it to them to be honest, because sex is a big part of a relationship. I wouldn't look for a relationship, if I were you. Resign yourself to a life of celibacy, and distance yourself from relationship potential. This way, the right person will chase you. And will want to make a go of it with you no matter what. Alternatively, you will have to consider coming to an agreement with any long-lasting relationship potential. That she can get it somewhere else, if she really, really feels she needs to, but you both have to be open, honest and mature about this. it's a risky business, not to say a minefield.
denise_xo Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You might want to google 'asexual'. There are communities of people who supposedly don't experience sexual attraction but they do want to be in a relationship.
Chocolat Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hi QG, It sounds as though the issue is not that you can never have sex, but that you can never have intercourse. Is this correct? If so, are you open to/desirous of pleasing a woman sexually? If so, there are lots of ways to achieve this that don't involve intercourse. Are you able to be sexually satisfied? If so, you will want to be with someone who is willing to learn how to do this. I think you need to discuss this issue with a potential gf but maybe not on the first date. I'd bring it up around the time when it's clear there is interest and attraction. p.s. Also, are you able to ejaculate? If so, there is the possibility of banking your sperm and artificially inseminating your partner. This would allow for children without requiring regular intercourse.
waynebrady Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Most women would most likely be thrilled with the prospect of a man who can't have sex. It will be easier for you to get a girl, not harder. You do infact have an advantage over men who can(and likes) too have sex, when it comes to finding a woman.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Immediately. It's the only way to find out if she's a keeper or not. I really, really don't like this phrase, as it implies that if she's someone who wants/needs to have sex with her SO, she's somehow not relationship-worthy. I hope that wasn't your intention. I agree with Denise. I'm sure the OP can find plenty of suitable asexual mates.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 No, it wasn't my intention, what I mean is that it will sort those people who are compassionate and understanding, from those who one might label "good time girls".... There's nothing wrong with being a 'good time girl' either. But obviously, it wouldn't work in this situation, so it deserves to be discussed sooner than later! I have to admit, I'm of a mind now that if somebody were to go on a date with me, and tell me, "see, I have this condition".... if there was a spark there, I'd want to know more about it, and really research it, do some investigating and see whether there really was absolutely no hope for that person. And this wouldn't be fuelled by my own selfish desire to get some.... Younger people (and I'm generalising, because I'm now looking at it as a situation that could apply to either gender) might not feel the same way, because younger people than I have different agendas. naturally! I don't want kids. Younger people probably might be planning a family on the horizon, or cards.... So that's why it might well be an important issue to bring out into the open ASAP... I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. Thanks for pulling me up on that!
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Cuddling and affection are magical. You should definitely be upfront about it so that there aren't any expectations that can't be filled. As a woman, if my partner was interested in filling my needs it would be far better then the expectations placed on many women today. In fact, in a strange way for the woman who can see the advantage here, you have the edge. (I am not saying that you shouldn't expect your own needs filled, but that there wouldn't be such things as performance pressure, and it would lower the threat of a physical affair). Good luck.
murah989 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I would say get some advise from a sex therapist. I wouldn't be surprised if they had seen a similar condition or situation such as yours. dreamingoftigers suggested cuddling and whatnot. I think this is a great suggestion!! Rather than putting pressure on yourself to produce sexual pleasure for your partner, create an experience she will never forget! and like other posters are saying, be upfront about this as soon as possible. It's going to be a tough road for you, but the rewards can be more than satisfactory.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I would imagine there some women who wouldn't want sex ever, but that is exceptionally rare, because even those with low sex drives do get sexually aroused on occasions.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 No, it wasn't my intention, what I mean is that it will sort those people who are compassionate and understanding, from those who one might label "good time girls".... Ummm, this one is even worse!! So if a woman doesn't want to voluntarily enter into a relationship where one of the most fundamental aspects of a serious, monogamous relationship is impossible (sexual intimacy via intercourse), she's not compassionate and understanding? She's a "good time girl"? Wow. Just wow.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Don't read what isn't there. I may not be expressing myself very well, and I apologise for that, but in fact my sympathies lie with both members of the relationship. make of it what you will. I know what I mean, and frankly, I rather hoped you'd know me better than to create such an impression of me. C'mon SG, Didn't you read the rest of the post? Where I said "There's nothing wrong with being a 'good time girl' either. But obviously, it wouldn't work in this situation, so it deserves to be discussed sooner than later!"....? Please don't misconstrue my intentions, you're a legal eagle. I think you know what's what when it's written.
SilverLining Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You do not need to tell a woman this on your first date. Try getting to know them and finding out if this is someone you would like to spend time with. If you click, and start spending some time together it has started to become more serious and that is when you need to bring this up. I don't think this needs to be a huge issue. Of course, I am young and I could not myself deal with it. But there are many, many women who would not mind not having sex as long as there was affection and intimacy, and if you were willing to please them orally or manually. Many women do not experience orgasm through intercourse anyway. Not having children is different though. If you do not want to have children because intercourse is painful, that's one thing, and adoption could be a solution. But if you don't want to have children at all, it's really more about the age group of women you are interested in dating. Without knowing your age, you should be aware that for many women of child-bearing years this will be more of a deal-breaker than not having intercourse. Women who have passed this point in their life do not have the same concerns, and they may also experience a decreased sex drive.
Akumark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You might want to google 'asexual'. There are communities of people who supposedly don't experience sexual attraction but they do want to be in a relationship. And it worked for a good friend of mine! She's a very attractive barmaid but she was never interested in sex, she doesn't have any mental issues, her doctor told her she was asexual. She eventualy met a guy like her and they have been together for 7 years!
catgotyourtongue Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Quiet Guy FIRST and FOREMOST: I am deeply sorry for your painful condition and the issues, physical and emotional, that must come from having this. I send virtual hugs and support. SECONDLY: If I may ask: 1. Did you have sex before this issue came, or are you essential a virgin? What i am getting at is, do you have a natural sexual drive based on experience? Do you want to physically please a woman? 2. How old are you? That may help others address advice or ask questions that could help. 3. Is your physical issue a matter of other physical issues as well, or isolated? Meaning is it like you have a damaged spine, or injury and that too is issue? I ask questions because I am a person with some medical issues, but who has navigated some major ones in life, as has other family members. Right now I have a person in my core of friends let's just say who cant have sex either due to illness or pain. She is a sexual person, but can't do it now, or really much at all. I think it would be important to let someone know when it feels right, before you get into something more than casual. I think seeing a therapist is really a good idea. ALSO when deciding to date and pick a mate, you have to think a lot broader than just your limitations. What I mean is, if you pick an asexual person who does not like or want sex, and you get better, heal, you are left in an odd spot. If you pick someone with a temporary illness or injury that means they cant have sex or dont care abt it right now, THEY may get better and want it, which creates another dynamic. This is why I think that you should do some question asking first...to see what type of relationship this other person wants. I think there are people out there who want relationships for sure, that also cant have sex. Paralyzed, injured, whatever and many of these people find love and happiness in other ways. BUT the issue is, you dont know if yours is permanent, so you should consider many things-your sexual needs/drives if you heal, how trusting you can be of another person, and if you set up an arrangement where they can "see" other people, can you handle that? Lots of hugs and maybe there are websites or support groups for this. It's a big deal I think, big in anyones life, and maybe there are special websites or groups you could join to help you navigate the tough waters....and not do it alone. God bless, and I hope you find happiness, love, whatever you are looking for. Sorry for the pain, truly. I live with major pain disorders and sex is never simple or easy, but I do like it, and make it a priority to have intimacy when I can..and sort of "bite the bullet" re pain, for my interest and need for pleasure. If you, a man, have a painful condition where you cannot have sex.. and it's not just impotence wher eyou can be helped by meds etc, that's gonna be hard for women who like sex or who want a family naturally. Should i tell them in the beginning when we first start dating to not get their hopes up? i've been dealing with this condition for 6 years. pain all the time, there's no solution from any doctors. cause it's rare. Anyways, how and when should i let girls know? most normal healhty girls who are healthy expect and dream of a healthy normal guy with no problems down there so i feel its gonna be really tough for me to find someone.
Eeyore79 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious to know exactly what condition the OP has, because I can't think of any illness which prevents you having sex ever.
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) FIRST OF ALL. thanks all for your thoughtful responses. I will answer your questions. 1. but that you can never have intercourse. Is this correct? Yeah, ever since i got injured badly...when i got a bit better i tried masturbating and seeing if i was normal, even up to recently. Like yesterday i tried.. and OUUUUUUUCh it hurt so bad from not even touching, i just put a soft cloth around the penis and it hurt so much. So yeah, yesterday was the definite answer to can you have normal intercourse.. and the answer is no. Yes i would desire to please a woman someway. Am i able to be sexually satisfied,, well maybe just by looking/touching, and pleasing her. Not by my own sexual pleasure cause it's painful. But well i guess i could be sexualy satisfied in a non intercourse/non masturbatory way. Maybe just touching and me pleasing her. **am i able to ejaculate? yes but it's very dangerous. if i manage to not touch the shaft at all/ not rub it at al, instead touch ONLY the point the bottom of the head of the penis(not the shaft at all) that's the only spot i can touch. and luckly that makes me climax if i touch it carefully but it's really risky..and if i keep from really erecting the penis really hard.. then yes i think i can ejaculate.. cause thats how i have learned to do it since i got this injury. i discovered that over the years. But still it's risky cause sometimes just by a strong erection, i get intense pain. But for the most parts, erections alone( with no rubbing) don't cause pain. So i think just having erections is fine. 2. DID I HAVE SEX BEFORE THIS ISSUE? No. i even wrote in one of my threads how i've never had a GF and i'm 31. But yes before i had this i would have great masturbation and no problems. and i had a natural sex drive from age 6( i masturbated at 6 or whatever you call it) to age 24. In fact i still have an extremely great sex drive, except i can't use my organ..so it's really tough HOW OLD I AM? 31 3. Is your physical issue a matter of other physical issues as well, or isolated? Meaning is it like you have a damaged spine, or injury and that too is issue? Well i think the organ problem is isolated BUT it may have to do with how my body is. I have a body that looks really skinny like people with Marfan's syndrome. I have been told by doctors i may have some form of Marfan's. I also have a bit of scoliosis, and i have spine problems as recently found through a recent xray.. my spine is crooked and recently i dislocated my rib because of that and have been in pain for many days(3 weeks). i've had many injuries including knee meniscus tears etc. But i think that because of my body type and possibly weak nerves and tissue , i got injured really easily when most men who are normal would not. The way my male organ got injured is by one day mastrubating under the covers at night, and under the underwear.. i wasn't paying attention and i bent it up in a weird way. I've seen porn where guys bend their penises all kinds of ways and don't get hurt, but with me.. i got baaaaadly hurt just from that. INtense pain and total impotence for like 8 months. i was feeling like i was dying or something. But i didn't give up and after those months i began to feel better and i regained potency although weirdly(it takes a while to erect unlike when i was normal).. but the nerve damage or whatever it was, that remained with me. that didn't get healed. So after i got better i didn't want to lose my sex potency , i was under the impression that i would get healed but as you can see 6 years and i stil have extreme pain when i get erections and touch. So that's my story. AND NO I don't want a partner who is asexual...Because i still have a sexual mind, i'm normal that way, I also want to kiss or whatever. I don't want someone who hates sex. I may not be able to do much, but if some girl would accept me, I can do at least touching or kissing that would be good enough. And as to what my condition is.. doctors never knew.. I went to urologists but my thing is rare so they just said PEYRONIES disease but mmmm. i don't really have a curve like typical peyrnonies.. my main thing is PAIN intense pain with touching and Abnormal erections. And also with my injury , my foreskin doesn't work well anymore. it doesn't move forward automatically after erections, it just stays there and i struggle to make it move. So it's just a bunch of pain but luckly it just happens mostly with erections. That's why i can still excersice and do everything outside of sex. Edited January 6, 2011 by quietGuy13
musemaj11 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Most women have low sex drive. You wont have a problem finding someone. The only issue that can happen is if the woman wants a baby of her own.
Eeyore79 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Sounds like a penile fracture which didn't heal very well. Did you go to the doctor when it happened? Did you tell the doctors you saw later on how the problem was caused? I'm puzzled as to why they would diagnose Peyronie's when you clearly damaged your penis yourself. They often treat penile fracture with surgery - have you had any treatment, or even explained to the doctor exactly what happened? You don't have to answer this, but are you circumcized, and do you think it might help with the problem of your foreskin not moving back? I'm sure there must be more that doctors can do to help...
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Oh interesting. Yeah i've heard fractures except mine was not bloody at all. no blood no bruised nothing. In the beginnning well it just didn't work at all and i was impotent. and i had pain and a weird aweful sensation . I told the urologists but they ignored me cause i wansn't bleeding and i was young (24) and they usually think the only guys with problems are old guys with impotence. I explained to them and they just saw me as weird and like i was anxious. They thought it was just in my head. oh really? then why my thing doesn't work anymore 6 years later. It's tough when you're young and you are not bleeding.. doctors won't believe you. no not circumsized. I don't know if any doctor/specialist will ever give me any help so i just given up plus i dont' have insurance. But a few years after my injury i went to the same Urologists i had gone to in the beginning and told him "look great news.. if i don't touch no pain.. and also i regained erections but i have aweful pain when touching...What could it be?" and he just gave me that look of thinking it's all in my head.. And he started ttalking about going to a psychologist or something. So that's why i'm just taking it day by day and just whatever.. i can't do nothing about it cause nobody believes me. The MD my general doc does believe me but he has no answers either. The good thing from all of this is at least i get erections, the bad thing is i can't do nothing when i have them. tough problem. Edited January 6, 2011 by quietGuy13
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 If you, a man, have a painful condition where you cannot have sex.. and it's not just impotence wher eyou can be helped by meds etc, that's gonna be hard for women who like sex or who want a family naturally. Should i tell them in the beginning when we first start dating to not get their hopes up? i've been dealing with this condition for 6 years. pain all the time, there's no solution from any doctors. cause it's rare. Anyways, how and when should i let girls know? most normal healhty girls who are healthy expect and dream of a healthy normal guy with no problems down there so i feel its gonna be really tough for me to find someone. I think that you should find outlets online at which you can disclose this unique aspect of yourself up front. That way it can be clear to those who might browse your profile and, upon your eventually drawing somebody's interest, it will be OUT THERE IN THE OPEN in a way that allows you to approach the encounters with the amazing-to-you feeling that you don't have to hide that, or fret over just WHEN you should bring it up. In some ways, you would do well to focus less on the other person, and more on getting your own self TO the brink of a romance in the healthiest-SEEMING mental/emotional state you can. I can't even imagine how I would look at the world were I in your shoes, but I do know how grand it feels to first put everything on the table and then not even feel nervous given self-assurance that the person waiting there is expecting "you". Food for thought.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 If you are not being believed by one physician, push harder for treatment! Be brutal and not understanding of their professional BS. I kid you not. My brother and sister are both disabled. 15 years ago my parents literally fought the system tooth and nail to get a diagnosis, treatment accepted and access to it. They even sued the Alberta Government. Now all children with autism have access to government-funded early intervention and treaments until the age of 18. The only province in the country to have it. Am I saying be a penis crusader? No. Just be a jerk like my dad. Just keep telling them it isn't good enough and if they are just going to send you to a psychologist, you want something else to go with it. Ask for another referral and a second and third opinion. Bug the hell out of them every day if you have to until someone is willing to not brush you off and give you some answers. Ask for any kind of scan or examination that can show damage to soft tissue. Post questions on relevant forums. Keep going with this, do not accept less than half of a sex life. It may not sound like fun, but going around with genital pain doesn't sound like very much fun either. Even if you don't have insurance, stretch out every free option that you can. (Or become a Canadian, we are covered). Do not let this issue steamroll a potentially fulfilling part of your life.
Eeyore79 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know if any doctor/specialist will ever give me any help so i just given up plus i dont' have insurance. You need to make more effort to get treatment from a doctor; this is something extremely important to your life and relationships so you can't just give up. If you see enough doctors, eventually you'll find one who's sympathetic and helpful. You just have to keep trying. no not circumsized. Maybe you should discuss this with your doctor, given that you're having problems with moving your foreskin properly when you have an erection. There is a painful condition called phimosis where the foreskin doesn't move properly, and it can sometimes be caused by scarring or damage. A circumcision might help with your pain. he just gave me that look of thinking it's all in my head.. And he started ttalking about going to a psychologist or something. Don't completely rule out the possibility of psychological pain. The doctor isn't saying you're making the pain up and it isn't real; you could have real pain which has a psychological cause. I suffer certain types of pain when I get stressed, and it is genuine severe pain, but there appears to be no physical cause for it. You would be amazed what stress and worry can do - maybe you're worried about your penis since you damaged it, and that's why it hurts? Is it worse when you feel worried or stressed? I still recommend seeing a doctor and considering circumcision; you need to address any possible physical causes of the pain. But at least consider that the pain might be psychologically caused.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 QUIET GUY thanks for your honesty and openess, and responses. You seem very open, and communicative about this, so I hope and pray you find a person, doc, forum, something that can help you with this. Outside of having sex or not, the pain thing is horrible. I have several severe pain disorders and living with them sucks, to say the least. But to mix the pain and the condition, tough. My heart goes out to you. I do believe in the practice of acceptance, as I must do it a lot too, but while in acceptance, hope is there that this issue will get better in time. Have you ever heard of EHLERS DANLOS SYNDROME??? Just curious... Hugs and I hope you heal in time, or find someone worthy of your time who can love you exactly for you, you deserve that.
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