Els Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I created a thread about this a few months ago. Sadly, I have not managed to fix it. Basic story: Been with the bf for nearly 3 years now. Battled through some rather extraordinary external circumstances and difficulties, including distance, family pressure, career/study and financial stress. It all came to a head and we had a few-months period of turmoil several months ago. There was no abuse/cheating/etc, but suffice to say some very bad arguments were had, and hurtful things said by both parties. That's all over now. The relationship has been amazing since a few months ago. Mainly due to the fact that the external circumstances above have been somewhat resolved. I am amazed how easy it is to be in a 'normal' relationship that most people have, never having experienced it before myself. Living together, no distance, not needing to count every cent, no intense make-or-break-it student ultimatums. Of course, there are still flaws and issues, but everything is very easy, smooth, and good, for the most part. Except. For the fact that I keep reliving the few-months period of bad times in my head. I think this is partly due to my OCD - I dwell too deeply in my own thoughts and fixate too much on them. And... I suspect LS is feeding them. I read threads that are minutely related to our past issues, and that sparks a chain of painful recollection. I realized this when I went on a tour for 3 weeks recently, and didn't have much time to browse LS. The painful recollections didn't occur much. So, one would think that the solution would be to leave LS until such a time as I can read it without drawing on painful memories. I would be loathe to do so, however. I have gotten some amazing advice on LS before, which aided me in learning from my R - without that, I don't think we would even have survived to reach this point. Also, I love giving back to the community. I love helping people who are going through problems - and I cannot describe how wonderful it felt when some people actually acknowledged that I had helped them overcome their problems, or gain valuable insight. I don't get any such satisfaction from posting on any other type of forum; I mean, helping someone fix their graphics card problems is really kind of meh compared to helping someone heal a broken heart. But at the moment, the drawbacks really are starting to outweigh the benefits. I do not want to sabotage this relationship - it really is everything I'd ever hoped for - by feeding my tendencies to dwell on hurts of the past. When we decided to push on after the period of turmoil, I knew it could only be done by keeping the past in the past and starting anew. What I am doing now is pointless and only hurting myself and us. Besides, I am spending too much time on LS rather than doing the things I need to IRL. I believe that it's time to say goodbye, for now. I hope that I'll have the strength to break my addiction (yes, LS is addictive! ) and cut down, hopefully just to the point of checking my PMs and lurking on the LDR forums to keep track of how old friends are doing. For now, I am challenging myself to only check and reply to the threads that I already have replied to, and wean myself further in the future.
denise_xo Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hi Elswyth, Well I'd be sad to see you leave because I like your posts so I hope you manage to just cut down. My guess is that you're probably too much LS focussed now because you've been out of work for a while. Once you go back to grad school (that was your plan right? or am I getting this wrong) you'll have less online time and more IRL time and LS will take its proper place in the universe. Also, if you're obsessing over something, it's ultimately in YOU and not in LS (although I fully agree that LS isn't always and necessarily useful depending on what kind of state one is in, there are days when I know it's not that good for me and I try to avoid it). In any case, good luck - I won't respond to more of your posts so that you stay out of here some of the time
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Isn't your question just more analysis? Whatever you decide to do, wean yourself off it gradually. Going Cold Turkey is not always the best option. It smacks of self-deprivation, and if there s some good to your frequenting the board, why not try to find an alternative means of cutting back on 'going back'? How about opening a new profile and not using this one for a month? If I see you posting as Elswyth, I'll give you a piece of my mind, because the only reason you could be doing so is to revisit the past. of course, you could check Elswyth's threads as another poster, and STILL revisit the past but that would be defeating the object. if you're determined, then we could help....
Author Els Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Isn't your question just more analysis? Whatever you decide to do, wean yourself off it gradually. Going Cold Turkey is not always the best option. It smacks of self-deprivation, and if there s some good to your frequenting the board, why not try to find an alternative means of cutting back on 'going back'? How about opening a new profile and not using this one for a month? If I see you posting as Elswyth, I'll give you a piece of my mind, because the only reason you could be doing so is to revisit the past. of course, you could check Elswyth's threads as another poster, and STILL revisit the past but that would be defeating the object. if you're determined, then we could help.... See, the thing is, it's my reading new threads that's the problem. I spend too much time on it. I probably spend 80% reading and 20% posting. So the posting is okay... the reading needs some cutting back. I'm not doing cold turkey for now, but am mostly trying to just focus on a few old threads and not keep reading new ones. The point is to spend less time thinking and reading about relationship stuff and more time focusing on other areas of my life. I have tried and failed at that before, though. If I fail, cold turkey may be easier. Hi Elswyth, Well I'd be sad to see you leave because I like your posts so I hope you manage to just cut down. My guess is that you're probably too much LS focussed now because you've been out of work for a while. Once you go back to grad school (that was your plan right? or am I getting this wrong) you'll have less online time and more IRL time and LS will take its proper place in the universe. Also, if you're obsessing over something, it's ultimately in YOU and not in LS (although I fully agree that LS isn't always and necessarily useful depending on what kind of state one is in, there are days when I know it's not that good for me and I try to avoid it). In any case, good luck - I won't respond to more of your posts so that you stay out of here some of the time No, please do respond! What I need to do is limit myself to a few threads each day, instead of reading new ones all the time. Yes, I am going to grad school soon. Hopefully that will help with my over-thinking. But at the moment I have many things to do, such as studying in preparation and sorting out stuff in our new house, which I'm not doing. LS isn't the sole culprit in that, but it's a major one. Update: Seem to be doing much better with the restraint today.
carhill Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You're a great lady El and I wish you much success in your life and love. Let it flow. No analysis required Take care!
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 There are many people who suffer from paralysis by analysis. If you can actually break free of your analysis, you'll be able to move forward.
johan Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 So you write a pretty long post, essentially a meta-over-analysis, or maybe an over-meta-analysis. And you're asking if LS is the problem?
Author Els Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Thank you, carhill. Star: I am unsure of how to solve the root of the problem at the moment. I've always been this way, and while I have improved somewhat in general, I am stuck in this particular case. However, I noticed great improvement when I did not spend significant portions of my time reading a relationship forum. LS is not the problem per se - how MUCH LS I am doing is, and also how it triggers my overanalysis of relationship matters.
Author Els Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I'm disappointed, El, but I can relate. I originally came to LS because of a minor, albeit hurtful, situation that was going on in my relationship. We have long moved past it, but when I see threads come up that mirror what our problem was I find the old pain rising up again. It's like picking at a scab. Don't leave the sex forum, though, you always have the best things to contribute. Yes, this! And thank you. I think that if I succeed in moderating my own use, I'll probably just check up on the LDR and sex forums instead of using 'new post', and only reply to a few per day. 'New post' is just sitting there being tempting on the top of my screen though.
Author Els Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Bleh, I just regressed again today. Was bored and lonely after bf called to inform me he'd have to work til 11pm, and started LSing and chatting online instead of studying. -.- At least it didn't cause any overthinking... Edited January 6, 2011 by Elswyth
denise_xo Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Bleh, I just regressed again today. Was bored and lonely after bf called to inform me he'd have to work til 11pm, and started LSing and chatting online instead of studying. -.- At least it didn't cause any overthinking... Go study for an hour :mad: Don't want to see you posting anything anytime soon.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh no, say it isn't so, Elswyth. You're a bright light. Don't disappear for too long. You'll be missed.
Author Els Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Unfortunately, FF, I'm nowhere near succeeding in disappearing. On the bright side, I actually did get some proper work done yesterday. Hopefully it stays that way.
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