OnceTwice Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hi everyone. I'm not used to pouring out my feelings to strangers so I hope this goes well... I've been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. We started dating when we were just 14. As you would imagine, we were each other's first for literally everything. I am so in love with this girl! Unfortunately, the past little while have been really bumpy. Just recently,she decided that it was necessary to take a break from the relationship because she felt that she's never been herself ever since dating me. She told me that every decision she would make would be based on how I would think. The clothes she wears, the places she went to, etc. She said she wants to be independent for once. She wanted to do everything she wanted to without having to worry about how I felt about it. It's not like I tell her "do this, do that", but she knows when I'm nervous about some of the things she was doing (clubbing, etc). I know what you guys are thinking; she's probably using this "independent break" to hook up with other guys! She insisted that that was not the reason at all, and I trust her... I told her that there must be a way to work things out so that she can be more independent while still being in a relationship. She says she doubts it because she's been trying for the past year to be more independent while dating but she just can't do it. She's always worried about how I'm feeling. She feels like a break is necessary because it is the only thing that we haven't really tried. She says this break might save our relationship from crumbling to pieces. She believes that I am and will always be her man, and that we will get back together in the future. She also said that during this break, she has no intentions whatsoever to date or see other men. The entire purpose of this break is just to let her be independent. Personally, I don't agree with this whole break thing. I feel that she's just going to start drifting away from me and before we know it, we're broken up. At the same time, I want her to be happy so I don't know what to do......May be see each other less or take holidays away from each other, instead of this so called break? Thoughts?
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Ugh. Hate to say it, but - she's right. You two have been living too closely for you to both blossom in other ways. I'm sorry, but I agree with her, she needs to spread her wings, taste a bit of life, hang loose and gain independence and generally speaking, "find herself" And guess what? So do you. if you make one person the obsessive focus of your entire life, at one point or another, love moves sideways to make room for dependency, a sense of 'ownership' and possessiveness, and this becomes an unstable, insecure foundation on which to build the "permanence" of a good relationship. Now. This may go in one of two ways, I don't need to tell you that. But it's a risk you're going to have to take, because guess what? She leaves you no choice. She's made her decision, so that's a given. What you have to decide for yourself is whether you are going to follow suit and gain your own independence, (But don't fire off at a tangent, go off the deep end and live to excessive extreme, just to show her you can!) or whether you're going to sit, wait, stagnate and watch her change and develop, while you do nothing for yourself.
Author OnceTwice Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) Ugh. Hate to say it, but - she's right. You two have been living too closely for you to both blossom in other ways. I'm sorry, but I agree with her, she needs to spread her wings, taste a bit of life, hang loose and gain independence and generally speaking, "find herself" And guess what? So do you. if you make one person the obsessive focus of your entire life, at one point or another, love moves sideways to make room for dependency, a sense of 'ownership' and possessiveness, and this becomes an unstable, insecure foundation on which to build the "permanence" of a good relationship. Now. This may go in one of two ways, I don't need to tell you that. But it's a risk you're going to have to take, because guess what? She leaves you no choice. She's made her decision, so that's a given. What you have to decide for yourself is whether you are going to follow suit and gain your own independence, (But don't fire off at a tangent, go off the deep end and live to excessive extreme, just to show her you can!) or whether you're going to sit, wait, stagnate and watch her change and develop, while you do nothing for yourself. Thank you so much for your response. You're absolutely right about how dependency can develop from a long term relationship; especially if its your first. In my point of view, I don't think either of us are dependent on each other. We spend a lot of time together, but it's not like we depend on each other for our daily dose of happiness. As much as we are a couple, we are very much individuals. We have different interests and hobbies. We spend time doing our own things when we're not together. The issue is that she's have difficulty having a mind of her own while being in a relationship. Is taking a break really the only solution? Isn't there a way to work this out together? I feel like taking a break is the lazy way to work things out. I want to do what ever it takes to make it work, I don't want to cut corners. I don't know... I don't want to be selfish either. I wan't both of us to be happy. I feel like there are other ways to go about solving this issue. I wish it was easy for me to just agree with her and take on this break, but I fear that how she feels now might not be how she feels in the future. To clarify, she might not have interest in meeting new boys now, but obviously no one can predict the future. What if she ends up finding someone new during this break? I guess it is the risk I have to take if I follow through with this break. Sorry if it seems like I'm totally disregarding your guidance, Tara Maiden, but I'm just being stubborn. I really don't want to do this break. She means too much to me to take such a risk... Edited January 5, 2011 by OnceTwice
fltc Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What if she ends up finding someone new during this break? She intends to do exactly that if she hasn't already, she's gone or well on her way and I don't think there's much you can do to change it. Sorry.
WonderingWhatIf Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I agree with the comments above. Think about it! You both are very young, and I know right now it seems as if she is it for you. But, you don't know for sure. If she is, then taking the break will be fine. She is doing the right thing. It would be better to do this now, than 10 years down the road. You need to experience life yourself. Take the opportunity!
Author OnceTwice Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I agree with the comments above. Think about it! You both are very young, and I know right now it seems as if she is it for you. But, you don't know for sure. If she is, then taking the break will be fine. She is doing the right thing. It would be better to do this now, than 10 years down the road. You need to experience life yourself. Take the opportunity! You know what, that is exactly what she said to me: "It's better off doing this now than further down the road in our relationship". I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to do this break. It's just so tough...Just having to risk completely losing her during this break makes my heart race.
skydiveaddict Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Just having to risk completely losing her during this break makes my heart race. When a girl says " I need a break", it means you are in the friendzone. She has no more feelings for you. Don't let her drag you along for the ride. Tell her to leave you alone.
NoLongerSad Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You know what, that is exactly what she said to me: "It's better off doing this now than further down the road in our relationship". I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to do this break. It's just so tough...Just having to risk completely losing her during this break makes my heart race. Evidently she's decided she can do better than you. No doubt, some of her trouble-making girlfriends have been knifing you in the back. In any case, a twenty year old guy with a six year long term relationship under his belt, freshly single, is probably going to be a very hot commodity on the dating market. So there is a definite "upside" in this for you.
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