Had an emotional meltdown

[just_some_guy]

Dealing with the aftermath of my stbx's suicide attempt earlier this month and lots of other stress in life. STBX attempted early in december, her family is a long way off and they called me to check on her. I went and found her in bad shape, called 911, got her in the hospital and took care of things while they had her.

 

I'm Mr. Emergency Responder. Calm, cool under fire, make good decisions. If there was a firefight in a war, or needed someone to land the plane in an emergency, you'd want me around.

 

But once the wheels are on the ground, the bullets stop flying and the news cameras go away, I feel it. This was no exception. Have had a very hard time coping with all of this.

 

Decided I would spend christmas alone, no family no one around. It was good, quiet and restful. I tend to feel better with alone time. By NYE, I was ready to spend some time out. I had a potential date, tried to set it up. We were talking on the phone, trying to plan it out and it was like she was not hearing what I was saying and I had trouble understanding what she was saying on the phone. Think she may have had a few drinks that evening. Anyway, got a lump in my throat and a strong feeling that I had to end the conversation. Got off the phone and basically withdrew into a shell for the weekend. Avoided conversation on the phone and had only the most limited and trivial interactions with people for the weekend. Had a few crying fits, couldn't sleep and just not in good shape.

 

Pulled it together for work this week, but I sit in my cube hoping no one will talk to me.

 

The worst seems to be fading slowly. Not out of the woods yet. Not sure how to deal with it. Feel bad for the lady I was talking to. Apologized for my behavior but I suppose that one is over with.

 

It has been a really tough time.

[TaraMaiden]

I really think you need counselling.

Fire-fighters and members of the Emergency services actually have these systems in place, and go through 'debriefing' and have counselling available to them when dealing with potentially traumatic situations.

 

I remember asking you, "Who's looking after you?" Remember?

Why do you think I asked?

I knew this would happen.

You're suffering from PTSD.

 

You really do need to take a break from work, (from everything) and I truly believe you need to see someone professional to help you through this.

Jeesh, if I can see this, across a few words on a forum, holy schyt, surely you must!

 

You can't cope with this alone, on your own, every time, all the time.

 

You need to draw a line in the sand at some point, and stop taking so much responsibility for others, and start dealing with taking care of yourself.

Because if you lose grip completely, then that's everybody's loss, and they won't have Mr dependable any more, because he will have become a gibbering wreck and a mere shadow of his former self.

 

You really need to do something. FOR YOU.

And fast.

[denise_xo]

You really need to do something. FOR YOU.

And fast.

 

I'll second this, whatever 'something' is best for you - counseling, medication, going away for a while, doing more physical stuff, taking a long hike, whatever.

 

Do you have a couple of good friends you can do something positive with? Dating can be emotionally draining and you might want some stable positive human relations rather than the ups and downs of meeting new women right now.

 

In any case, I wish you well.

[denise_xo]

Just as an addition: you might want to work on how to reach out to people and request THEIR support for YOU. It sounds like you're the guy who helps everyone else and no one helps you. I've been a lot like that myself. I have lots and lots of friends who come to me for emotional support. Somehow they think I'm easy to talk to and I 'always make them feel better', which of course I'm very grateful for. The problem is that I very often don't manage to do it the other way around. When I was younger I blame shifted it on to others (along the lines of 'x comes to me for support but doesn't give me the same support back'), but then I realised that it was really all on me - how I (did not) communicate with other people, how I did not reach out, how I did not open up sufficiently to signal to others that I really needed them to be there for me. It's a skill like any other and if you're not doing it right it's not going to happen. I don't mean to project my experience on to you, but it might be worth considering.

[just_some_guy]

I am seeing a counselor. She was on vacation between Christmas and New Years, as fortunately I was too. Taking a break - very hard thing to do. I'm under the gun at my job, both expected to perform at a very high level and under the microscope as an "older worker" meaning, highly paid and ripe for getting rid of. Been through a corporate buyout over the year too. It has been made clear to me my situation and that corporate HR is on the warpath to cut the average salary down. As much I need time off, taking it would mean permanent time off.

 

My family is useless. I have two brothers who only talk when they need money. Had to turn one of them away a couple of weeks ago. Parents long gone. There's just me.

 

Someone I was getting close with utterly abandoned our friendship as a result of this episode. She turned out to be quite a flake. I could have used a simple acknowledgement, she has her own problems. But damn, a phone call or an email, "how you doing?" would have been good. I got the message, no returned calls or emails, loud and clear.

 

I have some other friends, who do care. For that I'm grateful and a good counselor I'm seeing this week. Medication is not an option for me, at least not until it is a last resort.

 

It is hard to describe what I went through. I was functioning fine, but just didn't want to be involved with anyone and chose to isolate, lick my wounds. I made my meals, cleaned house and washed clothes and paid bills. But the hurt and burden is there inside.

 

It is really hard to see someone try to take their own life. I'm not feeling it was my responsibility or anything, but it is a hard to thing to cope with realizing how close to death she was. Being the one to find and rescue her in that state, just freaking hard to cope with.

 

That's three lives I've saved in my lifetime. Enough already.

Edited January 5, 2011 by just_some_guy

[TaraMaiden]

let me tell you something about emotional pain.

It can be a signal to us, it's something we have and need, to be able to deal with it effectively and to interact with others on an equal basis.

but channelled in the wrong way, used and abused, focussed on and concentrated upon, it can hinder our progress, hold us back, and keep us in a state of depletion, helplessness and despair.

 

However:

Holding them in, within is equally potentially harmful, because if we do not let them out or express them skilfully - they will find a way out and manifest in other ways, and these 'other ways' can be physically inhibiting.

In short:

Emotions ('hurt and burden inside')can make you sick.

Ill.

Bring you physical symptoms of an illness or condition that will begin as 'acute' and if unchecked and not dealt with at toot cause, turn into 'chronic'.

 

you need to vent, you need to let things out and you need to keep your counsellor up to speed. She needs to know precisely how things have gone, and needs to give you support to get yourself back on track and firing on all cylinders.

And denise_xo is spot-on: Copers think they can do it all, carry it all and handle it all, and don't open up to others.

 

you need to really see, learn, understand, know and actually realise that you are human. Just the same as the rest of us, and you need a rescue package for yourself.

Above all else, before anything else, right now.

[denise_xo]

OK, good to hear you're seeing a counsellor. Can I ask if the hesitation for medication is medical or psychological? I'm asking because I was dead set against any kind of medication when I went through a couple of low phases (very low at times, suicidal etc), then finally decided to give it a try and now look upon it as one of the best decisions of my life. It gave me sufficient head above water to actually address a range of issues in a much more constructive manner than I had otherwise been able to do. After that piece of work (which went on for a while) I went off them again. Not suggesting it's any kind of magic bullet or an end in itself, I just know that I ruled them out at a time when I shouldn't have. Again, don't mean to project (or to argue that this is what you need right now), just sharing my experience and you can take or leave it.

 

I haven't experienced what you have, but I've been the one to be found after a suicide attempt. I wish I hadn't put the person who found me through that. I've also tried to 'be there' for various people going through suicidal tendencies and it does sometimes feel like you're dealing with a bottomless hole. It's important to find a balance between caring and self protection, but of course that's one of those things which are easy to say and very difficult to do.

[just_some_guy]

Thanks for the concern. Had my counseling session this morning, as I do most weeks. We talked about and decided it was a healthy kind of meltdown, just needs the proper channeling for the anger and hurt I'm feeling. Drugs are not something I want or need, unless as a very last resort. I am NOT there, thankfully. So I have to work it out and I am. This doesn't rise to the level of ptsd, not at all. More like acute stress, and not even the full criteria for that. Just have to deal with a trauma, an unpleasant one and it hurts and there's nothing to do except hurt, process and heal.

[whichwayisup]

You need a few hugs buddy! So, here are some virtual ones from me!

 

You've been through the wringer and have had responsibility thrown on you, like it or not, and you didn't ask for it!

 

Glad you got a session in today, I hope the counsellor has you writing in a daily journal. If not, start one.

 

I agree, don't do meds unless you absolutely have to. You can do yoga, do lots of exercises (run, swim, play a sport that you love) to have release. Physical activity will help with the emotional feelings and the stress.

 

I suggest (even if it sounds cheesy to you) to go buy a meditation CD. I never thought it would work, but I can tell you 100%, it does!! Atleast try it and see how you feel after a week or so.

[exoduse22]

You are probably depressed and I recommend you to go see a doctor. I saw a video on youtube saying something about that encounter that saved his life because he was so depressed, he did not want to get out of bed, go to work, and he cannot even smile because of how depressed he is. He got the treatment and was able to somehow recover for it. So his best tip was to go get treatment.

 

I too am currently depressed right now because I wasted the chance to get myself a prom date when I had a really good chance to D:. haha

 

GL!

and go see a doctor