jenifer1972 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Do yourself a huge favor and don't even think about marrying anyone until you are at least 26. I am sure everyone over 40 on this board would agree. Of course you probably won't listen. Every generation has to repeat the same mistakes I guess!
Author inewhero Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 You had trust issues with her BEFORE even asking. Yes, I have trust issues, and she needs to earn my trust again since she lied to me or "testing" according to her.
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yes, I have trust issues, and she needs to earn my trust again since she lied to me or "testing" according to her. You totally put her on the spot when you asked her about being a virgin- and you kept asking... Totally uncool on your part. You are angry at her for "testing you"- but you were totally testing her by putting her on the spot the way you did. I am sure she was totally aware of your displeasure and judgement by asking her if she was a virgin. It's obvious you want/need her to be a virgin in order to feel secure- and that's YOUR problem, not hers. Grow up a little.
Author inewhero Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) You totally put her on the spot when you asked her about being a virgin- and you kept asking... Totally uncool on your part. You are angry at her for "testing you"- but you were totally testing her by putting her on the spot the way you did. I am sure she was totally aware of your displeasure and judgement by asking her if she was a virgin. It's obvious you want/need her to be a virgin in order to feel secure- and that's YOUR problem, not hers. Grow up a little. With all respect, it's not about a virginity issue as i have pointed out. If she it was something else i would've done the same thing. For example, if she lied about her education, and claimed that she had a college degree in this and that. then a few weeks later told me that she didn't even graduate from high school, and then told she's indeed hold a college degree. and claimed that she was only testing me just to see if i could love an uneducated girl. I would be confused and wouldn't be able to fully trust her too . Do you see my point here? it's not the virginity issue, but about a lie coming from her, "testing" according to her. Edited January 6, 2011 by inewhero
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Wow, a lot of posters are really pushing through the asking point: OP, here is what I think 1. I held my virginity with my first real bf until 6 months into the relationship. My family is ridiculous. My mother encouraged me from the time I was 14 to "go out and have fun" she wasn't talking about bowling. She had been sexually active since the age of 13 when she was raped by a guy she was fooling around with. She let me know in no uncertain terms that if I became pregnant that she and my father would care for the child. There was no better incentive to avoid getting pregnant as a teen then thinking of my parents trying to raise my child. Holy crap. My best friend was promiscuous. So much so that she claimed a guy violently raped her (the truth was that he dumped her after having sex and she was really angry about it) so that she didn't have to explain to her parents why she went for emergency birth control and was now carrying birth control. She tried to call me forward as a witness. I knew it was completely not true and I would not back her story. Aside from the whole ridiculous claim, she also went out and bought the guy a birthday gift the day after he "violently raped" her. Others of my friends were "out and about" as it were. They had very little bearing on when I lost my virginity. The reason I decided to lose it finally had to do with the fact that I trusted my bf at the time and if anyone ever asked where I was when the Millenium started, I could say: "losing my virginity."(Just passed the 11th anniversary of that.) Only one person has asked in 11 years, I actually hope no one else does (internal cringe). Friends and family do not dictate who you ****, maybe they do for some, or even most, but not everyone. 2. Testing you is plain stupid. Pressuring her is as well but 2 wrongs don't fix a relationship problem. IMO her playing around with the story of her sexual history screws up your trust in her and could have placed you at risk. I would set that boundary super-fast or move on. As for yourself, try to set a boundary to trust someone until they give you a reason not to. Hang back and see if their words match their actions and not just with you, but with everyone else around as well. And for the love of all that Smells Nice do not sleep with someone you do not trust. 3. I was terrified of having my hymen broken and bleeding. Guess what, didn't happen: no hymen. Lucky me! Aside from a feeling of "ooohh I am so in love" and "oh, that's it? that was like a minute" I experienced no pain. No blood and no aftereffects. I would think that the gf may even feel pressured into telling you that there is blood. Did she give you her virginity? Who knows? What do you think? My best guess is actually yes. She seems completely unprepared for the emotional impact of this relationship and sex, to me that smacks of inexperience. If you like her, bear in mind that she is 3 years younger still and you both are treading new waters. You are going to have to learn to exercise some patience! (BTW as you get older, patience makes you more sexy. Probably not what you want to hear, but too bad )
OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I also didn't bleed at all when I had sex for the first time....
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Man I thought I was kind of a freak all of these years.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 First time I had sex, I didn't even know I'd had sex..... (He lasted 8 seconds...... maybe less....!!)
OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 First time I had sex, I didn't even know I'd had sex..... (He lasted 8 seconds...... maybe less....!!) my experience was about the same. He maybe lasted 1-2 minutes. I remember thinking "OMG I am having sex right now!" and then it was over.
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 With all respect, it's not about a virginity issue as i have pointed out. If she it was something else i would've done the same thing. For example, if she lied about her education, and claimed that she had a college degree in this and that. then a few weeks later told me that she didn't even graduate from high school, and then told she's indeed hold a college degree. and claimed that she was only testing me just to see if i could love an uneducated girl. I would be confused and wouldn't be able to fully trust her too . Do you see my point here? it's not the virginity issue, but about a lie coming from her, "testing" according to her. This is starting to sound like you were testing her. Not seeing the trust here.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Oh. My. Gosh. You're 21, not 14 right? Cause you are acting like you're 14. You're 21 right? Are you lying? Are you lying? You are 21? Are you lying? Let me ask you again in a few weeks and see if your answer is any different... Dude. You asked this girl if she was a virgin. She said no. And you, with your amazing trust in her and care for her...asked her again. Which tells her you didn't believe her the first time, AND that you place an unnatural importance on virginity. You ask her again, and she says no. Of course, with this SECOND unnecessary questioning, you left her alone, right? NOPE! You decided you needed to ask her a 3rd time, and THAT time you got an answer you didn't want to hear. So now you want to cry boo-hoo about trust issues? You didn't trust the girl in the first place! And don't you even say that you didn't care about her being a virgin. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have asked the girl 3 TIMES about it. And so what if she is or not? As long as you both use contraceptives and are STD free what's the big deal? Let it go, or let her go so she can find a guy who acts more his age. 21 is way too old for this type of immature bs. Oh, and with your 'education' analogy, it would be more like this: "you graduated from college right? (yes.) ok. you graduated from college right? (yes.) ok. you graduated from college right? (No, I didn't because I was on the moon.) WHAT? YOU LIAR!!!!! (Yeah I was lying, you kept asking me and it pissed me off!) *weeping* oh now I don't know what to believe, poor poor me and my trust issues..." Edited January 6, 2011 by SilverLining
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh. My. Gosh. You're 21, not 14 right? Cause you are acting like you're 14. You're 21 right? Are you lying? Are you lying? You are 21? Are you lying? Let me ask you again in a few weeks and see if your answer is any different... Dude. You asked this girl if she was a virgin. She said no. And you, with your amazing trust in her and care for her...asked her again. Which tells her you didn't believe her the first time, AND that you place an unnatural importance on virginity. You ask her again, and she says no. Of course, with this SECOND unnecessary questioning, you left her alone, right? NOPE! You decided you needed to ask her a 3rd time, and THAT time you got an answer you didn't want to hear. So now you want to cry boo-hoo about trust issues? You didn't trust the girl in the first place! And don't you even say that you didn't care about her being a virgin. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have asked the girl 3 TIMES about it. And so what if she is or not? As long as you both use contraceptives and are STD free what's the big deal? Let it go, or let her go so she can find a guy who acts more his age. 21 is way too old for this type of immature bs. Amazing! Am I the only one who thinks this guy got what he wanted and now wants to move on; just looking for a way to not feel bad for cherry grab and go? "what cherry? I saw no cherry! You might have lied so I'm breaking up with you."
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Am I the only one who thinks this guy got what he wanted and now wants to move on; just looking for a way to not feel bad for cherry grab and go? I'll admit that's a possibility I hadn't considered, the pump and dump. He just came off as a bit too sensitive for that, imo.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'll admit that's a possibility I hadn't considered' date=' the pump and dump. He just came off as a bit too sensitive for that, imo.[/quote'] What I hear is "it isn't a big deal to me if she was a virgin or not". But 3 times he asked about something he claims he doesn't care about and NOW that perhaps she was or perhaps she wasn't - he goes ahead and has sex with her, he is considering dropping her over it. He asked - she said virgin (he doesn't trust her) he asked- she said virgin (he doesn't trust her) he asked - she said not virgin and later said I just wanted to see if you'd freak out. (he doesn't trust this answer either) Then he sleeps with her ANYWAY? He isn't going to ask if she is a virgin again after that because NOW he can't keep asking; he knows she is not a virgin. So now he wants to drop her over it. It wasn't a big enough deal to not go a head and have sex with her. But now that he knows whether or not she is a virgin and she def isn't one anymore - he is thinking of breaking up with her over what wasn't a big enough deal to break up over before getting laid. He is just looking for people to tell him isn't isn't going to be a bad guy over it.
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yea, I can see what your saying sally. Maybe he didn't want to pump and dump a virgin. Just seems like a whole lot of effort/drama to get an answer that allows him to have sex with her. I agree that virginity is an issue with him.
zengirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Admitting to testing me is playing games and something I won't tolerate. I understand this point completely, assuming you're someone who also doesn't test or play games. Which is exactly what the OP did first. Everybody's got to get right with themselves first. I wouldn't tolerate anyone like the OP in a relationship or anyone like his GF, but I'm not their age either, so it could just be immaturity.
Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I understand this point completely, assuming you're someone who also doesn't test or play games. Which is exactly what the OP did first. Everybody's got to get right with themselves first. I wouldn't tolerate anyone like the OP in a relationship or anyone like his GF, but I'm not their age either, so it could just be immaturity. I may be a lot of things, but hypocritical is not one of them. I hold myself to a high standard and anyone that wants to be in a relationship with me must meet those standards.
zengirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I may be a lot of things, but hypocritical is not one of them. I hold myself to a high standard and anyone that wants to be in a relationship with me must meet those standards. I didn't mean to imply you were, just that your standards won't necessarily be fair for the OP to implement unless he gets his act together.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Right Mad Max, but I'm sure you wouldn't also be asking your gf the same question several times in order to see if you would get a different answer from her. Your opinion on this makes sense if we were dealing with you and how you would have behaved, but since this guy acted in a way completely opposite then I don't see how we can point fingers at the girl.
Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I didn't mean to imply you were, just that your standards won't necessarily be fair for the OP to implement unless he gets his act together. If he wants to be in a mature and stable relationship, he's going to have to. Right Mad Max, but I'm sure you wouldn't also be asking your gf the same question several times in order to see if you would get a different answer from her. Your opinion on this makes sense if we were dealing with you and how you would have behaved, but since this guy acted in a way completely opposite then I don't see how we can point fingers at the girl. I'm not pointing fingers at just the girl. I'm pointing fingers at both of them. Him for being insecure and her for admitting to testing him.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'm not pointing fingers at just the girl. I'm pointing fingers at both of them. Him for being insecure and her for admitting to testing him. Oh, I see. I suppose I have more sympathy for the girl here because I feel he was sort of asking for it. I don't think she was right in 'testing' him, obviously that's very immature. But she's only 18, the OP is 2 years older than her and was pushing her. I can see why she might not have the grace to discuss this with him rather than act out. In this case, I wouldn't dump the girl for something the OP set her up for. And I certainly don't think he should be sitting here crying about trust issues.
Author inewhero Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Amazing! Am I the only one who thinks this guy got what he wanted and now wants to move on; just looking for a way to not feel bad for cherry grab and go? "what cherry? I saw no cherry! You might have lied so I'm breaking up with you." I love this girl a lot, and i need to tell y'all that I'm not gonna break up with the girl. I just needed to work on our relationship. That "cherry grab and go" excused was never crossed my mind.
Author inewhero Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 I'm not pointing fingers at just the girl. I'm pointing fingers at both of them. Him for being insecure and her for admitting to testing him. Mad Max, you're the only one here that being fair. I guess, you and me are the only males here on this post hahahah.
Author inewhero Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 If you like her, bear in mind that she is 3 years younger still and you both are treading new waters. You are going to have to learn to exercise some patience! (BTW as you get older, patience makes you more sexy. Probably not what you want to hear, but too bad ) Thank you for ur advice and understanding.
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