inewhero Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hey guys, please help me out I don’t know if I have trust issues or not. So this girl and I have been going out for 3 months now, she doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. Before we dated, we talked on the phone a lot, I asked her two times if she had sex with any guys before and she said no. I asked her that because it’s hard to believe that she’s a virgin based on who she hangs out with, her family background, and her upbringing. Many days later, while I was talking about how I would like to marry her someday and she’s talking about her friend having sex, this question just came out of my mouth “So, have you had sex before” this is the third time I asked her, and her answer was YES, just one time while she was drunk and that melt my heart knowing that she lied to me two times. After that my feeling for her started to change. She noticed that and asked me why I was changing and not the same man she used to know, she told me if I really love her, I should be able to accept her (don’t get me wrong guys, I was mad because she lied to me, not because she’s not a virgin anymore. I just think if she can lie about this, she can lie about other things too). According to her, she could not eat or sleep for 2 days. About 5 days later, she revealed the truth that she have never had sex with anyone before and she was only testing me to see if I could accept her if she had sex before or not. She was mad because I asked her two times before showing that I didn’t trust her, so she had to lie the third time. She was also mad at me because I didn’t think thoroughly about how she doesn’t drink; therefore, she could never get drunk and lost her virginity. I’m now confused, and can’t fully trust her, but I love her so much. Two months later into our relationship, she wanted to make love,(According to her, she’s a virgin) but I refused because I didn’t wanna hurt her and didn’t want her to bleed, but she asked me why would she bleed? I didn’t tell her why. Weeks later we decided to have sex. I was scared that I might hurt her, so I only put it in half way and I kept doing it for about 5 minutes. I didn’t see any blood coming out. I knew that a virgin gotta have some blood. According to her, the next day she told me that she felt some pain, so in the evening while she was reading a book, she felt something coming out of her, and it was blood. She thought she got her period, so she texts me about it. I called her in the morning asking her about it, but she said don’t worry it’s not her period, just some blood. These are my questions: Did I break her hymen? If I did why did she bleed a day after? Did she lie about her virginity from the beginning and lie to me that blood came out a day after we did it in order to make me believe that it was her first time? Do I have trust issues? I know I sound like a jerk. A virgin or not, I don’t care. I just cannot handle the lies. Thank you all for taking time to read and educate me.
Citizen Erased Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Well, if she was a virgin, I didn't bleed when I lost mine either. She sounds very immature and bad at communication. Instead of "testing", she could have just told you to back off and trust her. Which, come to think of it, clearly you don't trust her as you didn't take her at her word about this. Pretty much, you have to take her at her word. There's no way you can find the truth out if she is insistent on lying...which she just may well have not. I think your relationship has a lot more problems than a lie. You don't trust her and you both don't know how to communicate. Work on that.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I second all of that. How old are you guys anyway......?
Author inewhero Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I second all of that. How old are you guys anyway......? I'm 21 and she's 18. any opinions are welcome.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You're too young to be this serious. Such intensity in one so young. At 18, I'd be inclined to believe she is a virgin, more than anything else.... And yes, at her age, I too would be pretty p1$$ed off if a young guy asked me if I was a virgin, and I had to tell him not once, but twice that this was the case, then actually, I would be tempted to lie to shut him up. I mean, from her PoV, how many times were you going to ask her, before you were happy with the reply? was twice not enough? Why keep on? I hate to tell you - the older a lady gets, the less likely she will be to be a virgin. Whoever she's with, whatever family she has.
Author inewhero Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 You're too young to be this serious. Such intensity in one so young. At 18, I'd be inclined to believe she is a virgin, more than anything else.... And yes, at her age, I too would be pretty p1$$ed off if a young guy asked me if I was a virgin, and I had to tell him not once, but twice that this was the case, then actually, I would be tempted to lie to shut him up. I mean, from her PoV, how many times were you going to ask her, before you were happy with the reply? was twice not enough? Why keep on? I hate to tell you - the older a lady gets, the less likely she will be to be a virgin. Whoever she's with, whatever family she has. i agree with everything you said, I admit that i can't fully trust this girl, but what do you think about her and everything that happened after we made love? she actually wanted to do it, i refused at first, but then just gave in becasue she kept asking me for it and got so turn on.
Els Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 There is no possible way you can determine for sure whether or not a woman has had vaginal intercourse before. There are many ways to break a hymen (gymnastics etc), and different women start off with different thickness to begin with. Many women don't bleed their first time. If I were you, I would just forget about this issue and see how things develop in other aspects of your R. If she indeed is a liar, you'll catch her at something else anyway.
oaks Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 About 5 days later, she revealed the truth that she have never had sex with anyone before and she was only testing me to see if I could accept her if she had sex before or not. So you already didn't trust her (because you kept asking her) and now she's playing games with you about something she already realised was important to you. That sounds like two topics for a serious talk (and I'm being charitable in describing this version of her story as game playing rather than the other version as lying). Not the end of the world but not great signs either so you do need to talk about it with her. Good luck!
utterer of lies Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Did she lie about being a virgin? What's wrong with you? Stop worrying about her being a virgin or not and enjoy the time you have with her.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 but what do you think about her and everything that happened after we made love? Why should my opinion have any bearing on what you think? it's you guys who matter, not what anybody else thinks.... she actually wanted to do it, i refused at first, Why did you refuse? but then just gave in becasue she kept asking me for it and got so turn on. She's not to blame for your carnal weakness, is she? You gave in to temptation because you wanted to. So you got what you wanted, therefore. So really - what the hell is your beef?? Grow up. If you're both old enough to have sex, have sex. Don't turn it into a drama, for goodness' sake!
zengirl Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 A virgin or not, I don’t care. Then why did you keep asking her? It does seem likely that a teenage girl would lie to test you and shut you up, based on the behavior you were giving off previously. It seems equally likely a teenage girl would lie about being a virgin. I really have no idea. I don't know if she was a virgin or not, and there's no way to "tell," but obviously you do care. It sounds exhausting to be you, from this whole situation. Either you like this girl, and you keep developing your relationship, which probably involves letting this go. Or you don't. This path isn't going anywhere good. I don't think girls bleed during their first times as much anymore. There are too many ways to break your hymen before sex these days.
Author inewhero Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) With all respect, it's not about a virginity issue that i have it's about a serious lie coming from the girl i put my trust in! I agree that if the I truly loves a girl I won't look into her past. and i love her so much. Yet if the girl had good intentions with me she would've told me the truth since the beginning. Edited January 5, 2011 by inewhero
xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 With all respect, it's not about a virginity issue that i have it's about a serious lie coming from the girl i put my trust in! I agree that if the I truly loves a girl I won't look into her past. and i love her so much. Yet if the girl had good intentions with me she would've told me the truth since the beginning. LOL I think you're digging a deep hole for yourself. Anybody with an intention to lie about their virginity is conniving and stupid, but you apparently thinks virginity is a diamond ring, because you had to question her TWICE about it. When I first had sex, I didn't bleed, so does not mean I'm not a virgin either? My ex asked the same stupid question about me which just made me annoyed at him for questioning me ( just because there weren't any blood).
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 With all respect, it's not about a virginity issue that i have it's about a serious lie coming from the girl i put my trust in! I agree that if the I truly loves a girl I won't look into her past. and i love her so much. Yet if the girl had good intentions with me she would've told me the truth since the beginning. But, you didn't put your trust in her. You continually asked her the same question looking for a different answer.
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 21, dating three months and talking about marrying.... hmm... I'd say, if this young lady inspires you, continue dating her. If not, date someone else. If she was a virgin, she's not anymore. I'm assuming you were not one when you met her. Is that correct? How often did she ask you about your sexual status? How detailed were your responses? Accurate? I'm curious....did either of you talk about STD's and get checked for them? Why? How was contraception and STD protection handled? See, once virginity is out the window, there's all kinds of things to talk about
Author inewhero Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 But' date=' you didn't put your trust in her. You continually asked her the same question looking for a different answer.[/quote'] You need to understand, the first two times i ask her it has nothing to do with trust, it was just some random conversation, and it was okay if she's not a virgin, but when we started dating, i saw who her friends were and how she behaved, so i started to question her again because i thought she lied which i could not tell which is the truth. Most girls assume that a guy wants a virgin but in reality what most guys want and need is an honest girl. Some girls lie about being virgins is because they don't want us guys to think less of them.
Mad Max Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She either 1)Flat out lied or 2)Admits to intentionally testing you. You have your own issues, but for me, what your GF did(1 or 2) would be a dumpable offense.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She either 1)Flat out lied or 2)Admits to intentionally testing you. You have your own issues, but for me, what your GF did(1 or 2) would be a dumpable offense. Why would 2 be an offense? The Op tested her too by continuously questioning and undermining their relationship. OP, being a virgin doesn't make a person a prude. Before I was deflowered, I talked about sex too. If talking or acting sexually means she's lying, then you really have issues.
Mad Max Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Why would 2 be an offense? The Op tested her too by continuously questioning and undermining their relationship. Admitting to testing me is playing games and something I won't tolerate.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Admitting to testing me is playing games and something I won't tolerate. Okay well that's you. You tend to see things more in black and white, I have grey areas and tend to be more forgiving. There are harsher offenses that warrants a break-up than " testing" someone.
Mad Max Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Okay well that's you. You tend to see things more in black and white, I have grey areas and tend to be more forgiving. There are harsher offenses that warrants a break-up than " testing" someone. She ADMITTED to testing him. I'm not justifying his actions, but this girl is equally as immature. I need a mature woman, not a little girl.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 she's 18, he's 20. In our books, that makes them both "little" in an emotionally mature sense of the word.... Sure MM, ridiculous at our time of life. Them? Hell, they're just dippin' their toes in the murky waters of Lake Relationship....
xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She ADMITTED to testing him. I'm not justifying his actions, but this girl is equally as immature. I need a mature woman, not a little girl. I don't disagree this girl is immature but you mustn't leave out the fact that she was " testing" him while she was drunk. Which could equally spell out that she was in a drunken stupor and didn't know what the h-ll she was doing. Again, the OP is reading too much into this.
Madgick1 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Were you a virgin? Have you lied any time in the last 3 months? I'm another one who didn't bleed when I first had sex. I don't think girls think guys prefer virgins. If they lie about it, it might be because they don't want to be questioned about with whom, how often, was it good. I have to admit you seem like the type to do that. You do understand that whomever you marry is going to have faults, very human faults, and that you can have a happy, fullfilling, 40 year marriage even though both of you are likely to lie on occasion. Do you really think you are going to be able to go through the rest of your life without lying, or even lying to your wife? Truthfulness is important but so is forgiveness and being nonjudgmental. Whether a person is trustworthy or not if bigger than one lie on an insignificant matter. If she lied she was protecting her privacy. Maybe you have a bit of fault here, that's a personal question better to left for volunteering; did perhaps you ask her before she was ready to discuss it? I think you've already decided she wasn't a virgin--decided it back before you even asked the question based on her friends and family history, and then badgered her until you got the answer that fit your suspicions. You had trust issues with her BEFORE even asking.
Author inewhero Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) I don't disagree this girl is immature but you mustn't leave out the fact that she was " testing" him while she was drunk. Which could equally spell out that she was in a drunken stupor and didn't know what the h-ll she was doing. Again, the OP is reading too much into this. Yes, I admit that she's immature. the issue here is that i don't know what to believe anymore. This is how she tested me the third time i asked her if she's ever had sex with anyone. the first 2 times she said no, but the third time she said yes. She said she was drunk when she was 16 and had sex with a guy. I was upset because she could of told me in the beginning when I asked her and it would be fine (at that time i thought why the hell did he lie in the beginning?), According to her, she could not eat or sleep for 2 days. Her sister asked her "what happened to you, you've never been like this before" she said, "she never thought that love could do this to people". A few days later, she admitted that she was testing me and revealed that she never had sex with anyone before. She tested me because we were talking about marriage and see if i would be able to accept her. therefore, she could never get drunk and had sex. I’m now confused and don't know what to believe Edited January 6, 2011 by inewhero
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