Xero8780 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 am about to be in a situation when I return to school in which my girlfriend who dumped me b/c of grass is greener and I will be around each other all of the time. We share all of our friends, we broke up just before break when most of our friends were gone, so now when we return we will be at all the same parties, see each other on campus etc. Friends have already expressed that they hope that things won't be weird and that we can all hang out like we did before despite us breaking up. Our break up was friendly (I mean I was very sad), but the only given reasons from her were classic grass is greener (we ahve been dating for too long, I want to see what its like to be single, I feel like we are married,etc.). I am trying to do no contact and speaking to her is sooo painful b/c I miss her so much, I can't even imagine having to see her. It is unavoidable that we will be in one another's presence if I plan on having friends and going out and being social...I don't want to be around her though, it will kill me...however I don't want to be seen as running away from her or ignoring her in public. I also won't be able to manage seeing her flirt with other guys at parties, etc. I know I am supposed to put on a happy face and act like I am not phased...but I may just breakdown... What to do? Break no contact when we get back to school to discuss with her how I feel? She keeps texting me how much she cares about me and wants me to be happy, misses me and I feel like she is going to try to put herself in situations in which she will be around me. I can't tell her to just not hang out with her friends (my friends too) or tell her that she better not be at this or that party, I would look so pathetic and desperate and feel mean. One more thing: we are both 21 and dated for 2.5 years. she dumped out of the blue when everything seemed to be going well, we never fought during the relationship, etc etc etc, all the same stuff all these guys are saying when they get dumped for GIGS. Well I am 21 and she is 20...until her birthday, which juussttt so happens to the be the first full day all of us get back to school...which is very confusing and overwhelming b/c everybody is going to make a whole "lets reunite" thing out of celebrating her birthday.
Author Xero8780 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 This is going to be really tough b/c she is desperate to be friends with me. Keeps begging me to be friends, etc. and this has all be done over break....and I keep saying "I need space, etc." however, I know she is going to try to be around me and talk to me. The pain is probably a 5-6 when I am going about my day to day life here at home on break, but goes up to probably an 8 when I think about going back to school, dealing with all of our friends, seeing her, etc. It was just sooo shocking. For the first week after I was oddly not that sad, but now I realize that I was in shock and now I am feeling the pain. I miss her soo much, but now I get nauseous, literally, thinking of the prospect of having to be around her because how I confused I am and how much I miss her. For 2.5 years she was never manipulative, so easy going, everything you could hope for and then this just happened. When we are in the same place, should I just be cordial but not really engage her in conversation? I KNOW that she will try to talk and be friendly b/c I sense that she has a lot of guilt and is just so confused about what she wants. Even if I was able to fake being fine and put on this happy attitude I would not be able to normally interact because I would be thinking about her all of the time. Would it be wrong to ask to get coffee with her right when we get back and basically say "I am confused by the signals you are sending me, if you want to consider a relationship then I am willing to listen and would consider it, if not then I need to not interact with you as much as possible or else I will be in pain and never get over you" In her texts to me she is always saying that all she wants is for me to be happy, etc. so I think she would at least understand what I am saying...but then when we find ourselves at a party with 20 people in a room or at dinner with our friend group then we would just not talk? thats not right...we didn't have like some awful falling out breakup, I care about her so much. As mixed up as it is (considering she broke up with me) I get MORE upset thinking about her being confused and upset about the situation and me not being able to help then when I feel bad for myself.
mmiller5373 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Xero, this all happened to me as well. Don't fall for it. If she has G.I.G.S., you will get back together, only for her to leave again. Don't put yourself through it. After 1.5 years, my ex dumped me. She said she was bored and needed to figure things out on her own. Things were fine in the relationship. 2 weeks later, she comes running back. At about the 2 year mark, I said we needed a break because she just wasn't "there." After a month or so of being alone, I wanted her back in my life, however, she was still going through G.I.G.S. There was a period of about 3-4 months where it would seem like we were together, but she would fight it. She'd want to do her own thing, yet send me texts saying that she misses me, wants me in her life, wants to be friends, she's confused, doesn't know what she wants... the list goes on. I told her I was tired of it and honestly, I think because I was going to be moving about 4 hours away, our reconciliation was kind of forced. She never got a chance to deal with her G.I.G.S. We got back together for a few months, only for her to leave again. It was worse this time. It put me in a bad state of mind. You don't want to live your life in fear that she is just going to leave. Let her go. Let her deal with whatever she needs to deal with. She's definitely going through G.I.G.S. Let it pass. As for being in college and having the same friends. That's a tough situation to be in. I would say that you need to distance yourself from her. Try not to hang around her as much, because if she's going through G.I.G.S., she's going to start dating again... and soon. And partying/drinking more as well. You don't want to be around for that. It'll drive you nuts.
eonline Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Well, I think you should talk to her, if it happens to see her, it is not use to avoid here, you ll just create more difficult situations. Just talk with her like you would talk to a person that was close to you in a time it will be better! Regards
Stilicho Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 wow, xero, i am in the exact same situation as you, even down to our ages and time spent together! it hurts man, i know, but just keep focusing on you. I have the same feelings as you do, and miss her terribly, but dont degrade yourself through all of this. i sent my ex an email, which was basically a goodbye email, and now shes calling and wants to meet up. im going into the meeting with no expectations, or intentions either, but i will listen. good luck man and keep your head up.
homebrew Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Xero... I thought about your situation... If I couldn't fake it till I make it (which in your case, I am not sure you can yet)... I would find a new set of friends or at least not be there when your EX was there. If they truly are your friends, they will understand why you need to disappear for a while. Once you are back to your normal self... I see know reason why you can't join back in.
0hpenelope Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Friends have already expressed that they hope that things won't be weird and that we can all hang out like we did before despite us breaking up. Our break up was friendly (I mean I was very sad), but the only given reasons from her were classic grass is greener (we ahve been dating for too long, I want to see what its like to be single, I feel like we are married,etc.). Oh man, I've been there. It's the situation that led me to LS in the first place. Have you heard of the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions?" Your mutual friends mean well, but at this point in time, you really need to think of yourself for now. However long, whatever it takes (short of hurting yourself and other people, of course). They will understand. Finding new friends is important. Seeing new faces will help you a lot. Being stuck on campus doesn't help as every location and landmark will remind you of her, so one of the things you do have control over is who you're with. You actually have a lot of control in your hands, but it doesn't feel like it because you're still grieving. Giving you insight in this is helping me with my own grief and my feelings of powerlessness with my recent break-up. Keep moving and don't stop.
Author Xero8780 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 thanks for all of the support. There is also the added confusion of my heart wanting to be back with her. She was the most easy-going, non-manipulative, kindest, funniest girl you could ask for during the relationship and then this just happened out of nowhere. I miss her so much and want to be back with her, but I also have this extreme fear and anxiety of getting close to her again b/c I feel like I will just be crushed again out of nowhere. I posted this in the other thread, but our relationship was so good that our friends thought I was being sarcastic that she broke up with me, I had to like convince them by being emotional.
Author Xero8780 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 and I am already struggling with no contact b/c I want to hang on to her, I don't want to just let go and have her forget me. I feel like I am being pathetic not responding to her reaching out to me saying "I miss you" "I think about you all of the time" etc. with trying to convince her to take me back. On LS some people have advised that once I get back I ask her to come out hang out and just straight up ask her what her intentions are.
0hpenelope Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) and I am already struggling with no contact b/c I want to hang on to her, I don't want to just let go and have her forget me. I feel like I am being pathetic not responding to her reaching out to me saying "I miss you" "I think about you all of the time" etc. with trying to convince her to take me back. You do need space. We really don't want you to come back with a story of how you found out she was just using to you alleviate her own guilt for breaking up with you. It's strange how you're the one who's asking for space now, isn't it? Because you know you need to get over her. All of your most recent wonderful memories reek of her. You just want to silence that part of your brain and move on. You want her to be there, but you don't know if she wants the same things you want, and that's a very hard place to be in. My recent ex hasn't been in contact with me too, and it's just as hard from this side of the fence. One of the things that keeps me going is looking at the little notes I wrote to myself, one of which is "Don't call him. He hasn't contacted you, so don't assume anything - that he's too scared. He said he wants space and time apart. Give it to him. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call." I'm struggling with the sadness that comes with knowing that he doesn't want to talk to me and this pain is just as hard as having the dumper be in touch with the despairing dumpee. She wants to talk to you, but will you be ready to hear what she has to say? She might say the things you already know and you still won't be satisfied. On LS some people have advised that once I get back I ask her to come out hang out and just straight up ask her what her intentions are. You know... that may not be a bad thing to do. You think you'll be ready by then, whatever her answer may be? Don't be distracted from your studies. That's your #1 priority in college. Edited January 5, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author Xero8780 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 any other people want to add opinions regarding whether or not I should ask her to coffee or something right when we get back? I feel a little pathetic hiding behind just texting her.... In regard to homebrew, if I just disappeared I think i would become so depressed. Any tips from anybody on how to "fake it till I make it" when I am around her? I also can't get over the thought that she is going to get over me while I am indecisive trying to decide if I want a relationship with her or not... If I do want to keep the option open would I lose the chance if I just start suddenly kind of ignoring and blowing her off? I could see her being like "I am being so nice to him...if he doesn't want to be my friend, then I am moving on" and then going to date some other guy. I don't know, I know this all sounds irrational or whatever but I am venting and would love more input or help.
Stilicho Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 man, the only advice i think that really matters, is to follow your heart, and do what you feel is right, not what you think others will want you to do, just follow your heart and youll end up alright.
0hpenelope Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 any other people want to add opinions regarding whether or not I should ask her to coffee or something right when we get back? I feel a little pathetic hiding behind just texting her.... In regard to homebrew, if I just disappeared I think i would become so depressed. Any tips from anybody on how to "fake it till I make it" when I am around her? I also can't get over the thought that she is going to get over me while I am indecisive trying to decide if I want a relationship with her or not... If I do want to keep the option open would I lose the chance if I just start suddenly kind of ignoring and blowing her off? I could see her being like "I am being so nice to him...if he doesn't want to be my friend, then I am moving on" and then going to date some other guy. I don't know, I know this all sounds irrational or whatever but I am venting and would love more input or help. Gunny is one of my favorite posters here on LS. I bookmarked this post from him a few years ago, when I was struggling through a different break-up. Here, he outlines what it means to fake it until you make it. This retired Marine has a wealth of knowledge and I'm really happy he's here on LS, sharing it with us. As for my take on faking it 'til I make it, my motivation to do so came from what a lot of LS posters told me and shared w/ others, in the time that I've been here. It's about self-preservation. You do not want to be humiliated in front of your ex. You do not want to be the butt of the jokes or the shining example of what not to do. You do not want her to speak of you as someone pathetic. You do not want to be that memorable ex who pined, whined, and became an ego-booster for her. All of her self-validation at your expense. Faking it 'til you make it has a lot to do with pride and in this case, pride is a good thing that will take you a long way. Do not show her you're sad, do not let her see anymore of how much she's affected you. Save face and show your weakness in private and not in front of her; she doesn't deserve your vulnerable side anymore. You will not show her your sad side because she will not appreciate it as much as you hope she will. Take your time in deciding if you want to be in a relationship with her still. You're doing the right thing. Contact her if you want to. You might not like what you hear, but even w/o contacting her you're already in agony anyway (for now - you will move on from this.) If you want a concrete example about breaking NC, I contacted my ex today. I swallowed my pride and talked to him. By the end of the conversation, I was joking with him on the phone. This evening, I spoke with our mutual friend who once told me "I wish I can protect you from him." I now know why. I have my answers and I can heal from here. All of this progress, jumpstarted by breaking NC and talking to him. He broke up with me - and I'm still the one picking him up from the airport tomorrow. Who's got class now?
Author Xero8780 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) helpful advice, right now I am trying to work out with myself whether or not I want the relationship back so I can either just commit to no contact and not care or maybe try to reconcile. right now I am confused as to my feelings regarding not wanting her back are really not wanting her back or just being afraid of trying and failing....can anybody relate to this? In other words, when I try to think about the relationship I miss her so much but then when I think of trying to go for it and try to get her back I get really anxious and kind of nauseous. Edited January 6, 2011 by Xero8780
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