MissVegas Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 So I'll make this as quick as I can about the guy I was seeing. Xmas went amazing and we had a really great time. I work as a nurse and the plan was to go drive to see his family x mas day so I agreed not to work xmas day and then I'd have to work new years ever instead. Well he got sick right before x mas and decided he wasn't well enough for driving in the car for 8 hours and seeing 30 people at once. So we spent xmas with my family (which was supposed to be on boxing day so my family frantically rushed to make brunch and turkey because we changed plans). Anyways way before this like at the beginning of december i asked him to not ditch me on NYE since i worked till 11 I said I really wanted to spend it with him and we could still do stuff after 11. My friends were all going out of town so I wouldn't be able to see them...Well Thursday before NYE he acts all weird and doesn't want to see me. SO i ask him whats up and he's like I want to go skiing tomorrow with my friends. I said okay no problem since I thought he'd be back by 11 o clock and also said "I'll come over and we'll talk about it" and he said "No i won't be back for 11 im going out of town skiing and im going out afterwards with my friends and i dont want to talk about it because you'll just B~!tch about it and I'm going" i ended up going over anyways and he basically said not to be a "f-ing bitch about it" and he was going. BOO i regret getting him a huge plasma tv for christmas. Anyways he went, I had a chaotic first shift as we were short nurses and then spent it at home by myself crying... To put salt on my wounds there are videos of him posted on facebook from NYE one of which he's behind the bar shirtless jumps on the bar then falls off it drunk and lands on his head then gets up walks away with his shirt still off *from the comments I think it was off all night* the other video is of him pissing on the dance floor. By the way he is 29. So I dumped him... I'm justified right? And should I ask for my tv back?
Cracker Jack Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Sounds like a real winner. Heh. You did the right thing. The tv thing is up to you.
musemaj11 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 He sounds very immature for his age. And why would you buy him a Plasma TV? Had you guys been together for 10 years or something?
Eeyore79 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 To put salt on my wounds there are videos of him posted on facebook from NYE one of which he's behind the bar shirtless jumps on the bar then falls off it drunk and lands on his head then gets up walks away with his shirt still off *from the comments I think it was off all night* the other video is of him pissing on the dance floor. Oh. My. God. You actually dated this disgusting retard who pisses on public dance floors?! You have really dodged a bullet by losing this loser!
zengirl Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I don't know if it's ever appropriate to ask for a gift back, though I feel your pain on that one. I'd never do it. As far as the BF goes, it sounds like good riddance.
Truly Lost Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 It's kinda tacky to give someone a gift and then ask for it back, but the guy sounds like a loser and humiliated himself willingly, so if he is willing to give it back.....I'd take it. Get your money back, or take advantage of the TV yourself. Just don't buy gifts, like a TV, for someone that hasn't made an obvious commitment to you. Stick with a shirt or something.
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know how long you've been seeing each other for, but the fact that he wanted to go out with his friends on NYE shouldn't be a dealbreaker. I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and things are going well, but if I had have had to work super late on NYE, I wouldn't have demanded that he give up his night and wait around for me. Sure, it would have been nice if he had have decided to wait for you to finish work- but he's allowed to have a life with his friends too! You basically broke up with him because he didn't do what YOU wanted him to do and that seems a little unreasonable. Relationships are about compromise- you spent x-mas together, and that's pretty signifigant! In my experience, if you try and control a guy, he's going to rebel against you. He acted like a drunken idiot in the videos, doesn't sound like the type of guy you'd want to date anyway if he's like that all the time. But it sounds to me like you told him what your plan for him was on NYE and didn't give him the option of saying no. It might have been different if you had the night off, but you didn't, and that's not his fault. I'd be more upset about the video than the fact that he wanted to spend time with his friends.
fishtaco Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I originally wanted to say the guy sounded like a douche anyway, but then I read D-Lish's post. It was very... thoughtful and balanced. I'm impressed. So yeah, what D-Lish said.
Author MissVegas Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 He had plans to go skiing the next two weekends which was FINE with me! I'm all for him spending time with his friends even though all they do is drink but I had asked him about it way before and he agreed. My career as a nurse brings in very good money, but at the same time sacrifices on my part need to be made and I understand he can't sit at home while I work all the time but being with him on New years meant a lot to me. It was my first shift ever as a new nurse. We've been together 4.5 years and I wanted to kiss him and be with him on the special occasion. Like when a guy you've been seeing for 4.5 years doesn't make any effort to not hurt your feelings when you've explained how much a certain thing means to you it hurts. No matter what that thing is if it means a lot to the other person shouldn't it count? He's been drinking for our entire relationship heavily clubbing without me. I understand how it can come across as selfish but I didn't intend it that way. My friends we're all spending it with their boyfriends and I just wanted to be with mine and I didn't want to work, but I had to...And he knew he was hurting me. But he still went and then acted like an idiot. Am i really wrong in this?
musemaj11 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 He had plans to go skiing the next two weekends which was FINE with me! I'm all for him spending time with his friends even though all they do is drink but I had asked him about it way before and he agreed. My career as a nurse brings in very good money, but at the same time sacrifices on my part need to be made and I understand he can't sit at home while I work all the time but being with him on New years meant a lot to me. It was my first shift ever as a new nurse. We've been together 4.5 years and I wanted to kiss him and be with him on the special occasion. Like when a guy you've been seeing for 4.5 years doesn't make any effort to not hurt your feelings when you've explained how much a certain thing means to you it hurts. No matter what that thing is if it means a lot to the other person shouldn't it count? He's been drinking for our entire relationship heavily clubbing without me. I understand how it can come across as selfish but I didn't intend it that way. My friends we're all spending it with their boyfriends and I just wanted to be with mine and I didn't want to work, but I had to...And he knew he was hurting me. But he still went and then acted like an idiot. Am i really wrong in this? You are not wrong. I understand your bf wanted to enjoy new years with his buds. But based on the description of his childish behaviors, if you can find someone better I say you should.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) No, you are not wrong, and I'll tell you why. You went over to his place to talk to him, and he completely disrespected you. Now, I'm not sure of the dynamic in your relationship, but clearly this guy has decided that not only does he need to disregard your NYE wishes (which was his choice), but he does it in a manner that was blatant in saying he didn't give a f*ck about you and he's tired of you. When a guy begins to make decisions and get extremely angry when faced with - even reasonable - opposition, then get very disrespectful and swear at you to make his point...well then the magic is gone for him. It sounds like you are becoming a mature adult, working and making a life for yourself while he is stuck clubbing and doing some extremely DISGUSTING and immature antics. That's all well and good for him, but is it for you? I think not. Respect is key in any relationship. It is ALL about respect. Someone who loved you and respected your needs may have gone out without you that night, but you can bet that he would have listened and discussed this with you in a mature and loving fashion. The fact that he couldn't do that shows me that he's not the man for you. In my own experience, a man acting like this has always been a precursor to a breakup. I would really evaluate what you want and what you are actually getting. You are in two different places, you should move on and find a more mature, stable man who is willing to treat you with more respect. Edited January 6, 2011 by SilverLining
Author MissVegas Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 The thing that confuses me is he disrespects me by swearing, name calling when we get into an argument about whatever he wants to do. He'll call me names and swear during the argument but then he does whatever he wants to do anyways. Later on he'll say he wants to work on things and give it a go etc and then treats me amazing for a few months and then the cycle repeats. Why is this? Why can he be so loving and respectful but then when it comes to sacrificing or giving up something he lashes out? Like when we're good it does not seem like he has lost the spark. But when he fight he acts like I'm dirt?
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 This sounds an AWFUL lot like what my ex-fiance did to me. Everything was good for a few months, then he was awful suddenly and I had no idea why. And we'd split up but he would always want to get back together... These are HIS issues, not yours. You deserve better than to be treated great...for a few months. When you meet the right guy for you, it won't be so hard. My brother just got engaged, and I'm close with both him and his fiancee. They both struck out big time when dating other people, but together...it's effortless. They don't have all this drama, there's no 'it's good this month and bad that month'...if you were with the love of your life, the man for you, this would not be an issue. It simply wouldn't occur. You did the right thing by letting go of this baggage. I know you were with him a long time, but I was with my guy almost 6 years and even with the engagement it never changed. Get out now and don't waste any more time. I wish I had been strong enough to get out, but I always looked back on how great he WAS and how things USED to be. Which was a pretty strong reason to not be in a relationship, if the good times are all in the past.
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 By the way, one of the truest measures of a couple's stability and success in life is how they argue. Not how often they fight, but the way they fight. And in most cases, fights where one person is swearing and disrespecting the other signals a doomed relationship. I can only tell you my experience, which was very similar in that things would be great and then suddenly he lost the spark for some reason. I guess he told me that he felt he was trying too hard. He felt we were not a good match and didn't know why, and it caused him to behave like a jerk towards me. He is now dating a very nice and attractive but boring girl who is probably more suited to his taste, as I am a very passionate type of person. Perhaps he's feeling like you both are growing apart and he's unhappy but doesn't know how to say it, so it comes out in ways such as this. It doesn't mean you weren't and are not great, you probably are. But maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with great. Maybe it's like what Julia Roberts said to Cameron Diaz in My Best Friend's Wedding. Maybe you are creme brulee, but what he really wants is ordinary jello. Which sucks until you realize that leaves you free to meet someone who loves creme brulee and is quite a dish himself!
SilverLining Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Alright...I hate to post again...for the 3RD TIME...but I had a hunch, so I checked to see if you made any other posts...18. All within the past 6 months, all upset about your boyfriend. I didn't go through many but the ones I DID go through were inundated with people telling you to 'lose the creep'. I know you love this guy, and so you are blinded. But please, please take a look at your posts. That is your relationship. You are dating a guy who hurts you so much that you come to an online forum to post about him and get support. I'm glad you are trying to do something proactive with your pain but if he was anywhere NEAR a good guy for you, you wouldnt have needed to write a single post. You might never have known that this site existed. This guy is a creep. Lose him. You've probably had hundreds of people comment the same thing, people online, friends, maybe even family. Time to listen up, and this time don't get back together with him. You will be glad when you are with someone else who treats you right. Being in this sh*tty relationship is only damaging your self-esteem (um, you are NOT a b*tch and he's hateful to say such things to you!) and making you unavailable for the really awesome guys out there.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 The thing that confuses me is he disrespects me by swearing, name calling when we get into an argument about whatever he wants to do. He'll call me names and swear during the argument but then he does whatever he wants to do anyways. Later on he'll say he wants to work on things and give it a go etc and then treats me amazing for a few months and then the cycle repeats. Why is this? Why can he be so loving and respectful but then when it comes to sacrificing or giving up something he lashes out? Like when we're good it does not seem like he has lost the spark. But when he fight he acts like I'm dirt? Been there hun. In fact he loved to do the swearing at me stuff for quite awhile. Early on in the relationship he called me two names. I told him way back then that if he calls me anything again, I walk. I wish I had set better boundaries earlier. I will if I am ever in another relationship. It also sounds like this guy has a real impulse-control problem. No kidding about it. When a guy gets like that it sends up a real red flag. The pre-frontal cortex just ain't kicking in. If he isn't the type to think he needs help or do anything about it, then yeah, you were more then right to drop his ass. It isn't worth committing to. Now I am sure that you are here to vent and it seems like you are also here to reassure yourself that you made the right move. I am also pretty sure that if you were with Mr. Impulsive for 4.5 years, you may want to look into why you were willing to tolerate that behaviour. I am willing to bet that you had some behaviour that he had to tolerate too. I am not saying that you were wrong in dropping him. Au contraire. Just before you get in with the next guy, maybe go for some IC as a bit of a "diagnostic" or "tune-up" because you don't want to get involved with another guy like this, so you will want to find out how to set those boundaries right from the start, and not enable any prickishness. BTW I married someone who for 10 years lived outside and in squats, panhandled and drank himself into the gutter. I met him that way and we shouldn't have gotten into a relationship at that stage I admit. He once ate a piece of chicken that fell out of someone else's sandwich off of the sidewalk in front of me (grossest thing I have ever seen in my life until I had to clean one of my client's toilets) Even back then he wouldn't have ripped off his shirt and pissed on a public dance floor. That should tell you something. (Just for the record his lives indoors now. He also doesn't eat off of sidewalks, drink or panhandle. He's also pretty cuddly).
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 The fact that he did not wait for you to get off work for NYE is pretty inconsequential in light of ALL the other stuff you have posted about your relationship. It sounds like he does not value you or the relationship much at all. He sounds like he does not have much to offer you, is tremendously immature, verbally abusive, and maybe an alcoholic. From looking through your past posts, you broke up with him once last August. You had reason enough back then ... probably much earlier. I hope you figure out how to love yourself enough that you won't squander the love you have to give on a person who is not receptive to it any more in your life.
zengirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know how long you've been seeing each other for, but the fact that he wanted to go out with his friends on NYE shouldn't be a dealbreaker. I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and things are going well, but if I had have had to work super late on NYE, I wouldn't have demanded that he give up his night and wait around for me. Sure, it would have been nice if he had have decided to wait for you to finish work- but he's allowed to have a life with his friends too! You basically broke up with him because he didn't do what YOU wanted him to do and that seems a little unreasonable. Relationships are about compromise- you spent x-mas together, and that's pretty signifigant! In my experience, if you try and control a guy, he's going to rebel against you. He acted like a drunken idiot in the videos, doesn't sound like the type of guy you'd want to date anyway if he's like that all the time. But it sounds to me like you told him what your plan for him was on NYE and didn't give him the option of saying no. It might have been different if you had the night off, but you didn't, and that's not his fault. I'd be more upset about the video than the fact that he wanted to spend time with his friends. I don't disagree with your very good points. However, he didn't just express a desire to have different plans on NYE or even just get frustrated at her for it. He actually resorted to verbal abuse and calling her a bitch, when she was trying to have a conversation. That's uncool.
ConfusedAsUsual Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 So I'll make this as quick as I can about the guy I was seeing. Xmas went amazing and we had a really great time. I work as a nurse and the plan was to go drive to see his family x mas day so I agreed not to work xmas day and then I'd have to work new years ever instead. Well he got sick right before x mas and decided he wasn't well enough for driving in the car for 8 hours and seeing 30 people at once. So we spent xmas with my family (which was supposed to be on boxing day so my family frantically rushed to make brunch and turkey because we changed plans). Anyways way before this like at the beginning of december i asked him to not ditch me on NYE since i worked till 11 I said I really wanted to spend it with him and we could still do stuff after 11. My friends were all going out of town so I wouldn't be able to see them...Well Thursday before NYE he acts all weird and doesn't want to see me. SO i ask him whats up and he's like I want to go skiing tomorrow with my friends. I said okay no problem since I thought he'd be back by 11 o clock and also said "I'll come over and we'll talk about it" and he said "No i won't be back for 11 im going out of town skiing and im going out afterwards with my friends and i dont want to talk about it because you'll just B~!tch about it and I'm going" i ended up going over anyways and he basically said not to be a "f-ing bitch about it" and he was going. BOO i regret getting him a huge plasma tv for christmas. Anyways he went, I had a chaotic first shift as we were short nurses and then spent it at home by myself crying... To put salt on my wounds there are videos of him posted on facebook from NYE one of which he's behind the bar shirtless jumps on the bar then falls off it drunk and lands on his head then gets up walks away with his shirt still off *from the comments I think it was off all night* the other video is of him pissing on the dance floor. By the way he is 29. So I dumped him... I'm justified right? And should I ask for my tv back? You bought a guy you were seeing a tv? thats a pretty extravagant gift for someone that isn't even your boyfriend. And since it was a "gift" I think it would be tacky to ask for it back even though he is a tool.
Author MissVegas Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 No no. I have been with him for 4.5 years. I bought the tv thinking we would be moving in someday anyways so it'd be shared since i was always at his place as well. I won't ask for it back though it was a gift.
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