KarmasTestDummy Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious if there is hope there. If you've been with mm for any amount of te and he hasn't made the choice to go, and then suddenly she's had her breaking point and walks, where does that leave OW? I can see him doing one of two things, chasing her and begging her to stay and throwing OW under the bus, or 2...accepting u as some kind of consolation prize. That's not cool.
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious if there is hope there. If you've been with mm for any amount of te and he hasn't made the choice to go, and then suddenly she's had her breaking point and walks, where does that leave OW? I can see him doing one of two things, chasing her and begging her to stay and throwing OW under the bus, or 2...accepting u as some kind of consolation prize. That's not cool. .... or, 3 - him taking a good hard look at himself and trying to understand why things happened as they did, and then doing something about it (whichever way that pans out).
Eeyore79 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 My next door neighbor was an OW, until the guy's wife found out and dumped all his stuff on her doorstep in a plastic bag. He lives next door with her now. She seemed pretty pleased; he was obviously less so. If I was her I'd probably feel like the consolation prize, but she seems ok with it.
greengoddess Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 My next door neighbor was an OW, until the guy's wife found out and dumped all his stuff on her doorstep in a plastic bag. He lives next door with her now. She seemed pretty pleased; he was obviously less so. If I was her I'd probably feel like the consolation prize, but she seems ok with it. LOL I bet she is not as ok as she seems. She's probably afraid to ever leave him home alone that he will just walk right next door for some fun! Good for his exwife!
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious if there is hope there. If you've been with mm for any amount of te and he hasn't made the choice to go, and then suddenly she's had her breaking point and walks, where does that leave OW? I can see him doing one of two things, chasing her and begging her to stay and throwing OW under the bus, or 2...accepting u as some kind of consolation prize. That's not cool. I think any OW in that situation would feel like a consolation prize. That's why the MM would tell her that HE LEFT the W. MMs are crafty that way
greengoddess Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I think any OW in that situation would feel like a consolation prize. That's why the MM would tell her that HE LEFT the W. MMs are crafty that way LOL yup. They all leave. They never get thrown out.
bentnotbroken Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I don't know how she felt..but Mr. Messy was stunned that his things were packed and placed in the garage and that he got served with divorce papers. He never thought I had the guts and he begged to stay to be given another chance. He and OW did not end up together but I can't imagine either of them being a prize for anyone.
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 LOL yup. They all leave. They never get thrown out. Totally!! Who in their right mind would throw him out? He's such a fine catch!
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I do think it is a risk you run in any traingled relationship. Who in their right mind would want to be the defalut choice? The Plan B backup? That would be a terribly mistrustful way to start any renewed relationship, whether it be as xAPs or spouses. That's why I am a big advocate of the monkey-in-the-middle being alone for a while to make a clear choice: not out of kids, history, assets, obligations, but love.
Ellin Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious if there is hope there. If you've been with mm for any amount of te and he hasn't made the choice to go, and then suddenly she's had her breaking point and walks, where does that leave OW? I can see him doing one of two things, chasing her and begging her to stay and throwing OW under the bus, or 2...accepting u as some kind of consolation prize. That's not cool. If this is how an OW sees this, then it shows that she sees the A as competition with W. It also shows that OW has self-esteem problems and needs validation by being chosen, so even if she gets "chosen" she might keep questioning if it happened for the "right" reasons and if it will work out. IMO the fact that MM gets together with OW after W left him doesn't necessarily equate with her being a consolation prize. He might as well have wanted to be with OW but was held up for some reasons (anything, even something like not wanting to be the bad guy) and when W made the decision he was set free. When W walks, MM has different choices. He can end the A and try to win his W's trust again or be on his own, or find a new R, he does not have to be stuck with OW if he isn't happy with her.
Confused4Now Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I do think it is a risk you run in any traingled relationship. Who in their right mind would want to be the defalut choice? The Plan B backup? That would be a terribly mistrustful way to start any renewed relationship, whether it be as xAPs or spouses. That's why I am a big advocate of the monkey-in-the-middle being alone for a while to make a clear choice: not out of kids, history, assets, obligations, but love.Yup so true....as probably have been said earlier in other threads. To many people are not doing the work in healing and jumping right into the next relationship. So as a whole they are still doing the things or having things remind them of the past and not dealing with them. What's sad is you meet people and it's so freakin obvious cause there is drama associated with them.:o:o
IzzyB Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 LOL yup. They all leave. They never get thrown out. My exMM got thrown out. He never would have left the house - wouldnt have had the strength to. Bit of a difference here as Im also married and did not want him to leave her. Im sure he is back home by now though. They are simply too attached. Im out of it now so fortunately, its not my drama anymore.
IzzyB Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Yup so true....as probably have been said earlier in other threads. To many people are not doing the work in healing and jumping right into the next relationship. So as a whole they are still doing the things or having things remind them of the past and not dealing with them. What's sad is you meet people and it's so freakin obvious cause there is drama associated with them.:o:o I totally agree. When someone leaves a M, whether there was an A or not, they take the dynamics with them and start them up again with the next person, UNLESS they do the work to change themselves first. This is true of any romantic relationship. It's funny how we draw in the next partner to work on the same sh** over and over again, if we dont face ourselves and accept full responsibility and get help to change. Not always pretty,but it sure does improve things.
pureinheart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm curious if there is hope there. If you've been with mm for any amount of te and he hasn't made the choice to go, and then suddenly she's had her breaking point and walks, where does that leave OW? I can see him doing one of two things, chasing her and begging her to stay and throwing OW under the bus, or 2...accepting u as some kind of consolation prize. That's not cool. In your case, based on what you posted, this is my opinion. Due to drug abuse and other abuses, I do not believe their M will last for much longer. It would take a miracle. Each situation must be evaluated on an individual basis. Sometimes we must let the chips fall where they may and stand back to see what happens. This is not easy. I dealt with severe dysfunction...I possibly was an exit A...who knows. No matter how it goes down, you must look objectively at all areas. ExDM told me after I went NC, that he "pushed" his now exW into that "breaking point"...he says he had always envisioned me at his house as the "wife", I thought that to be rather odd...but whatever. If this was the truth then I would be considered the "prize", if not then who or what was the "prize"...his kids...his stuff? IMO, based on my outcome, I believe his stuff to be the prize, with no one thrown under the bus. It was just a round about way of getting what he wanted, trying not to hurt anyone, but hurting everyone, which is typical with hoarders. KTD...look objectively at your situation, with the facts as you know them today...tomorrow will take care of itself.
pureinheart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If this is how an OW sees this, then it shows that she sees the A as competition with W. It also shows that OW has self-esteem problems and needs validation by being chosen, so even if she gets "chosen" she might keep questioning if it happened for the "right" reasons and if it will work out. IMO the fact that MM gets together with OW after W left him doesn't necessarily equate with her being a consolation prize. He might as well have wanted to be with OW but was held up for some reasons (anything, even something like not wanting to be the bad guy) and when W made the decision he was set free. When W walks, MM has different choices. He can end the A and try to win his W's trust again or be on his own, or find a new R, he does not have to be stuck with OW if he isn't happy with her. Very well put Ellin...as usual:)
pureinheart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 My next door neighbor was an OW, until the guy's wife found out and dumped all his stuff on her doorstep in a plastic bag. He lives next door with her now. She seemed pretty pleased; he was obviously less so. If I was her I'd probably feel like the consolation prize, but she seems ok with it. Another poster communicated that no man or situation could validate her...she validates herself (I hope I communicated this correctly). This could be how this OW feels also. I know it is how I am. If my self esteem is low...it is because of how I feel about me, and nobody has the power to make me feel that way. Situations may dictate bad choices, although it is up to me to deal with that.
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