SilverLining Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 So I've been talking with this guy through a dating forum. We seemed to click, so I agreed to meet him even though I haven't met anyone in quite awhile. We finalized the date and location - a tea cafe, in one week. I get there and find a table - so far so good. This elderly man starts talking to me, but whatever, I'm polite. So he shows up, and he's pretty handsome - score another point. We sit down and IMMEDIATELY the elderly man continues talking. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It's 7pm, mind you. The elderly man FINALLY leaves, so for about half an hour the guy and I start talking. It seems to be going well, we seem to be clicking, he's smiling when he looks at me and when he's talking to me as well as making a lot of eye contact, which is always a good sign. I get up to use the restroom, come back and notice... ...HE'S BACK! That elderly man came BACK! So he's talking AGAIN. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, I'm trying to be polite but I can't understand half of what he says because of his thick accent. I'm tired, I'm bored. I'm starting to get irritated. If it were just me and a friend, we'd politely thank him for the conversation and end it, or we'd courteously take our leave and go elsewhere. But I feel I can't leave my 'meet-up man' abruptly, and I don't know what to do since he seems to be into the conversation! SO blah blah blah blah blah on and on and then it's time to go because the place is closing...at 11pm!!! 4 HOURS! What's worse is that as we were leaving, the guy got the elderly guy's number and said he'd call him so they could make plans to talk again. He expected me to turn down the street with him, but it was out of my way and in any case I had no desire to waste more of my time, so we parted ways. I just got home, and honestly, my mind is completely blown. I'm not going to say that this elderly guy was completely uninteresting. But after talking about the importance of taking vitamins, then about doctors, then Germans, religion, Jewish people, hip hop music, dating, his 3 marriages, his business, his friends, traveling, the HISTORY OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE AND OF EUROPE I KID YOU NOT!!!! I was sooo done. I didn't go there to talk to random people, I went there to meet someone and see if there was a connection. I felt like he had wasted my time. I also feel insulted. I'm an attractive, intelligent girl with a great personality and a sense of humor. I know guys who would love to take me out on a date. I know that he wasn't ignoring me because I'm ugly or uninteresting. I felt that this was just plain disrespectful and I'm so annoyed. This is my question: if he should attempt to contact me again, should I even respond? Should I give him another chance? I'd like some opinions...has this ever happened to anyone else? It's NEVER happened to me or anyone I know!
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 It was a first date... Obviously the guy you met demonstrated compassion for a lonley old dude that had no one to talk to and didn't see the point in making him feel bad by turning him away. That's a nice trait in a person- compassion, kindness. The old dude intruded on your date, not the guy you met.
lso802 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 It seems like neither of you could turn away the guy. Give him another chance.
Author SilverLining Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I agree with you up to a point. The first time the man intruded, I wasn't upset at all. I was all for chatting with what was probably a lonely elderly man. And I was not upset with the elderly man at any point. After working in a retirement home I am all too well-acquainted with elderly people rambling for long periods of time. The guy I met demonstrated kindness and compassion at first, and then afterward displayed a complete disregard for the person he came to meet. It's one thing to be kind and courteous for a time, QUITE another to do it for 4 hours, At some point I would expect the guy to display some kindness and consideration for the person he came there to meet. I would have turned the elderly man away after awhile, but since the guy I came to see seemed interested in listening I didn't know what to do. He would ask questions and whatnot when the man started to leave, and then that would set it all over again. 4 hours is WAY too long for this. What if any of you had gone to meet a friend and had them talking on the phone for 4 hours while you just sat there?
Allisha Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 So I've been talking with this guy through a dating forum. We seemed to click, so I agreed to meet him even though I haven't met anyone in quite awhile. We finalized the date and location - a tea cafe, in one week. I get there and find a table - so far so good. This elderly man starts talking to me, but whatever, I'm polite. So he shows up, and he's pretty handsome - score another point. We sit down and IMMEDIATELY the elderly man continues talking. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It's 7pm, mind you. The elderly man FINALLY leaves, so for about half an hour the guy and I start talking. It seems to be going well, we seem to be clicking, he's smiling when he looks at me and when he's talking to me as well as making a lot of eye contact, which is always a good sign. I get up to use the restroom, come back and notice... ...HE'S BACK! That elderly man came BACK! So he's talking AGAIN. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, I'm trying to be polite but I can't understand half of what he says because of his thick accent. I'm tired, I'm bored. I'm starting to get irritated. If it were just me and a friend, we'd politely thank him for the conversation and end it, or we'd courteously take our leave and go elsewhere. But I feel I can't leave my 'meet-up man' abruptly, and I don't know what to do since he seems to be into the conversation! SO blah blah blah blah blah on and on and then it's time to go because the place is closing...at 11pm!!! 4 HOURS! What's worse is that as we were leaving, the guy got the elderly guy's number and said he'd call him so they could make plans to talk again. He expected me to turn down the street with him, but it was out of my way and in any case I had no desire to waste more of my time, so we parted ways. I just got home, and honestly, my mind is completely blown. I'm not going to say that this elderly guy was completely uninteresting. But after talking about the importance of taking vitamins, then about doctors, then Germans, religion, Jewish people, hip hop music, dating, his 3 marriages, his business, his friends, traveling, the HISTORY OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE AND OF EUROPE I KID YOU NOT!!!! I was sooo done. I didn't go there to talk to random people, I went there to meet someone and see if there was a connection. I felt like he had wasted my time. I also feel insulted. I'm an attractive, intelligent girl with a great personality and a sense of humor. I know guys who would love to take me out on a date. I know that he wasn't ignoring me because I'm ugly or uninteresting. I felt that this was just plain disrespectful and I'm so annoyed. This is my question: if he should attempt to contact me again, should I even respond? Should I give him another chance? I'd like some opinions...has this ever happened to anyone else? It's NEVER happened to me or anyone I know! I'm on the fence about this one. It's sorta happened to me before (read below..) It's possible your guy was just being polite to the elderly man. Like you, he probably wouldn't have wanted to rudely end the conversation incase you thought he was an ass. But aside from that, everything was great right? It's not like your date arranged for the old guy to turn up and ramble on...hopefully:lmao: On the other hand, I completely understand your frustrations and honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't have had the patience or grace to put up with it. I would have told them both outright that I'm not wasting my time. I went out with a guy once, and we had been at the restaurant for literally five minutes. Then his best friend and his girlfriend walked in. I'm cool with them saying "hey, how's things?", etc... I'm polite, blahblahblah. Within a minute, his friend had joined our table. They were sharing private jokes, laughing, talking about things I'd never understand (cars...). I sat there for 40 minutes in total disbelief that it was actually happening to me. I went into my bag, gave my "date" the money for my starter and said, "I'm done with this, bye". He called the next day. Ignored. The fact you had a bit of time with him and got on well could be a reason to give him a second chance. My "date" didn't even try to give us that chance.
welikeincrowds Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I burst out laughing at the Ottoman empire. Jesus, that is horrible. Definitely give him another chance.
welikeincrowds Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I agree with you up to a point. The first time the man intruded, I wasn't upset at all. I was all for chatting with what was probably a lonely elderly man. And I was not upset with the elderly man at any point. After working in a retirement home I am all too well-acquainted with elderly people rambling for long periods of time. The guy I met demonstrated kindness and compassion at first, and then afterward displayed a complete disregard for the person he came to meet. It's one thing to be kind and courteous for a time, QUITE another to do it for 4 hours, At some point I would expect the guy to display some kindness and consideration for the person he came there to meet. I would have turned the elderly man away after awhile, but since the guy I came to see seemed interested in listening I didn't know what to do. He would ask questions and whatnot when the man started to leave, and then that would set it all over again. 4 hours is WAY too long for this. What if any of you had gone to meet a friend and had them talking on the phone for 4 hours while you just sat there? I missed the part where it was 4 hours. I don't know, man. This old guy must have been really interesting. Are you sure he wasn't interesting? I'm so sorry.
northern_sky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Definitely give him another chance. Why???? He sounds like a tool. Either he has no social sense or he's just a dick. I mean I can understand him wanting to be polite, but surely he could have been more sensitive to his date's feelings. I get the sense a relationship with this guy would be miserable. He seems completely oblivious and/or selfish.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If you felt like you were being disrespected, or disregarded- then don't consider a second date and let it go. Go with your instincts. If it felt really awkward- and you didn't like what happened, it should be a no brainer- no second date. If you're an attractive, interesting woman with a lot to offer a guy, there will be plenty of opportunities to meet other men that will offer you a more intense one on one date.
welikeincrowds Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Why???? He sounds like a tool. Either he has no social sense or he's just a dick. I mean I can understand him wanting to be polite, but surely he could have been more sensitive to his date's feelings. I get the sense a relationship with this guy would be miserable. He seems completely oblivious and/or selfish. Oh no I agree, I didn't read very closely and thought it was just another 30 minutes or something. Which would still be bad. But not everyone has had to learn how to tactfully deal with weird strangers.
Author SilverLining Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Oh wow how awful, he turned your date into a group outing? He's supposed to be there to get to know YOU, not hang out with a buddy that he can see at any time! How completely rude and inconsiderate! The guy was kinda interesting, I'm not disputing that. But not interesting enough to ignore the person you came to see. I think my whole issue with this is that I feel disrespected. Granted, I was really glad that he didn't blow the elderly guy off. But after awhile I began to wonder...is he a pushover incapable of dealing with things like this? Is he inconsiderate of my own feelings here? Is he completely oblivious or insensitive? Does he just think that this guy is much more interesting than myself, even though he doesn't know me at all? It did seem like we clicked for the brief time we were alone. But I would think that would be even MORE incentive for him to end the conversation with the elderly man. After about 3 and a half hours I felt I had been a good enough sport. I was toying with saying I needed to leave...but then I realized that the place must be closing soon and perhaps he and I could get something to eat or get a drink, so I stuck it out. But THEN, my meet-up man started walking along the street with the elderly man. His car was parked a bit away, he needed to go a bit down the street, then turn left. So he walked with the elderly man until his turn, chatting. And I'm seriously just trailing behind. This is when I got seriously annoyed...really? Even AFTER the 4 hours??? SO then he was turning left and said goodbye to the man, but actually that was the wrong direction for me. I was out of patience and not about to walk him to his car so I could double back to get home in the cold. No way. I suppose if he were to apologize I would give him another chance. But without that apology or at least an acknowledgment...I can't see why I would try to go out with someone knowing there was a chance I could be completely ignored.
Knittress Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I know nothing about this guy and I already know that you deserve better. Think of what a *****head he'd be after he reached that 'taking you for granted' period in the relationship.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Silver, after reading your first post and not seeing the others yet, I felt like how you could put all this aside with this guy and act like it didn't frost you. I am usually compassionate and have subsequently seen what others have been saying but, no. Not this time. Because this WAS a first date and a get-to-know-you, it's all the more reason why this guy should have given you priority. You are justified in your outrage and I don't see how you talk to this guy again without starting the conversation with "wtf were you thinking?" That's not good. You know you're hot stuff so there are other guys out there with better priorities. I'd have felt intruded upon and anyone, old geezer or not who can't sense that they are intruding like that needs to be summarily dismissed at some soon point.
Temporary Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I thought you were gonna say that the elderly man turned out to be the date from the forum and the guy was just a random stranger
homebrew Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I thought you were gonna say that the elderly man turned out to be the date from the forum and the guy was just a random stranger I think you are wrong... The elderly man was the date. Her date got his phone number and said he would call even. Sounds like her date and the elderly man are off to a good start!
Cracker Jack Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If the opportunity presents itself, I think you should at least consider it. He was wrong, but stuff happens. You do sound quite annoyed, tho, so maybe you should move on. I dunno.
musemaj11 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 The guy probably got bored of talking about the usual mundane things that women like to talk about and he felt that the elderly man offered a more intelligent 'manly' conversation which sparked his interest.
northern_sky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 The guy probably got bored of talking about the usual mundane things that women like to talk about and he felt that the elderly man offered a more intelligent 'manly' conversation which sparked his interest. then maybe he, and men like him, should consider switching teams.
musemaj11 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) then maybe he, and men like him, should consider switching teams. Most men prefer the company of other men. It is just a fact. Biological factors are the only reasons men bother spending time with women. I mean even a lot of women prefer to hang out with male friends. I burst out laughing at the Ottoman empire. Jesus, that is horrible. How is it horrible? Do you think history is a stupid subject? Anyway, I dont deny though that the guy was being rude toward his date. He just probably somehow forgot about her in the heat of the conversation. Personally I think its not gonna work out between them. There seems to be an unbalanced level of intelligence or at least they definitely have very different interests because otherwise she would be interested in the conversation as well. Honestly I would love to meet the elderly man. He sounds very knowledgeable. He must have endless interesting stories to share. But yeah, the guy was very rude. He should have at least told her to leave instead of making her wait for hours listening to topics she had no clue about. Edited January 5, 2011 by musemaj11
Surrealist Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I think OP is in some serious competition with the old man for the second date. I wonder who will be the first to bed the lad? OP seriously if he contacts you for another date, make it CLEAR to him that you do NOT want to get involved in lengthy conversations with other people while on a date. If he has a problem with that, then LAUNCH this guy and let him go with his old man.
zengirl Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 OP, I am impressed with his kindness and compassion towards the old man, but it was clearly not the time. And I am unimpressed with his dismissive attitude towards your presence. The polite way to handle it would have been to get the number earlier (if he was willing to talk to the old man again, which is nice), and say, "I'm sorry, but we're actually on a first date, and we'd like to get to know each other" or something. I'm not so sure he'd call you anyway. Perhaps he just wasn't that interested in you, and took the old man as a distraction. This is not to denigrate you---one guy being not that interested doesn't matter; that's life. Most men prefer the company of other men. It is just a fact. Do you have data to support this fact? I mean, I believe that men have more platonic friendships with men, just as women have more platonic friendships with women. . . on average. Because that's the socialized norm. However, I don't think any straight guy I've known has ever said they "prefer the company of men." One of my gay friends says this all the time, but he always hangs out with girls. Go figure. I mean even a lot of women prefer to hang out with male friends. This is very "2 + 2 = 5." You know, for a woman to have a male friend, that male friend also has to have a female friend, right?
lonestar190 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Can I tell you about a date I just went on? So I've been talking with this girl through a dating forum. We seemed to click, so I agreed to meet him even though I haven't met anyone in quite awhile. We finalized the date and location - a tea cafe, in one week. I get there and she's pretty - score another point. But she has started a conversation with this Elderly gentleman. We sit down and IMMEDIATELY the elderly man continues talking. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It's 7pm, mind you. The elderly man FINALLY leaves, so for about half an hour the girl and I start talking. It seems to be going well, we seem to be clicking, she's smiling when he looks at me and when she's talking to me as well as making a lot of eye contact, which is always a good sign. She gets up to use the restroom.....and The elderly man sees me alone and comes back. As she met him first and didn't excuse herself into the date, I feel obligated to continue talking to him. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, I'm trying to be polite but I can't understand half of what he says because of his thick accent. I'm tired, I'm bored. I'm starting to get irritated. If it were just me and a friend, we'd politely thank him for the conversation and end it, or we'd courteously take our leave and go elsewhere. But I feel I can't leave my 'meet-up woman' abruptly, and I don't know what to do since she seems to be into the conversation! SO blah blah blah blah blah on and on and then it's time to go because the place is closing...at 11pm!!! 4 HOURS! What's worse is that as we were leaving, I felt I had to ask for the the elderly guy's number and sayhe'd call him so they could make plans to talk again. After me talking and entertaining HER FRIEND (she met him long before I got there) for 4 HOURS she didn't even bother to walk down the street with me, but instead seemed completely bored and uninterested in me now that we finally had some time alone. We parted ways. I just got home, and honestly, my mind is completely blown. I'm not going to say that this elderly guy was completely uninteresting. But after talking about the importance of taking vitamins, then about doctors, then Germans, religion, Jewish people, hip hop music, dating, his 3 marriages, his business, his friends, traveling, the HISTORY OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE AND OF EUROPE I KID YOU NOT!!!! I was sooo done. I didn't go there to talk to random people, I went there to meet someone and see if there was a connection. I felt like she had wasted my time by not explaining to her newfound friend that we were on a date. I also feel insulted. I'm an attractive, intelligent guy with a great personality and a sense of humor. I know girlswho would love to take me out on a date. I know that she wasn't ignoring me because I'm ugly or uninteresting. I felt that this was just plain disrespectful and I'm so annoyed. This is my question: if she should attempt to contact me again, should I even respond? Should I give her another chance? I'd like some opinions...has this ever happened to anyone else? It's NEVER happened to me or anyone I know! Accept the satire, but do think about it from his perspective. You wanted him to fix the problem, but you initially met and began talking with the guy. Did you ever explain to the elderly gentleman that you were on a date? I would feel akward walking into a blind date and being expected to tell the elderly guy my date was talking to that he should shove off.
homebrew Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) ]I would feel akward walking into a blind date and being expected to tell the elderly guy my date was talking to that he should shove off. I would have asked my date if she wanted to continue to talk to the weird man. If she did, I would have excused myself and left (it was a first date after all). If she didn't want to continue to talk to him, I would have no problem telling another guy (old, young, weird, homeless, etc.) that I am on a date and to shove off. But what do I know... I am a man that likes to be a man in relationships. Edited January 5, 2011 by homebrew
Author SilverLining Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Whoa Muse, sounds like you have some prior issues with women. Insulting my intelligence because I didn't want to listen to some old dude for 4 hours while on a date? Ridiculous. However, I'll address your 'concerns'. As a matter of fact I DID know what the guy was talking about as I AM a historian. I'm deeply interested in history, but this guy didn't want a 'conversation', he wanted to talk AT us and lecture. As a matter of fact he got several things wrong, which made it even more frustrating. SO let me repeat, there was no CONVERSATION. My date just sat there and listened, without responding much. We are both intelligent people with advanced degrees. In fact I would think I've got the edge on him since I have traveled a bit and he has stayed pretty much in one place most of his life and hasn't experienced too much. This was pretty much the conversation of the elderly man..."You like jhnhdhf? (What? We can't understand him with his thick accent!) You like jdhjbdbf, I say if you go to the doctor for them you be ANIMAL. I tell you. No, I'm no joking. You should take, do you take? You don't take? TAKE! Get ammonia shot too! It make you ANIMAL!" I actually think that I got the conversation better than my date did since I lived in a foreign country for awhile and got very good at understanding broken English. I've also taught English to foreign businessmen. Ok, and as for MY conversation not being interesting, I let HIM talk most of that half hour we were alone. When I spoke it was mostly rebounding off of something he had said, and we went right back to him. I would disagree about most men preferring the company of other men. I know a great many educated men who prefer to hang out with women because with women they feel they can actually talk about things that matter to them rather than talk about only sports, women, or cars. I know some men who prefer to hang out with men simply to hang out but if they want an in-depth conversation they turn to women. And of course, I know some men who DO prefer speaking to other men. Just because you happen to be one of them, does not give you the right to say it is a 'fact'. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=3179632 Ok, rant over. I don't know that he was using the elderly man as a distraction. The elderly man was talking to me before my date arrived, and when he did arrive the conversation continued. In any case, I'm attractive and we'd clicked talking before. Nothing had happened to turn him off. When the man left and we spoke alone, he gave all the signals that he was into me thus far. I'm pretty sure at the end of the night he expected me to come with him to his car or walk with him a bit because he seemed very surprised when I said I was leaving. Of course if he wasn't interested in me that's just fine, I have other options, but that wasn't the read I was getting from him. He just did seem to be completely oblivious. And as I was drifting off to sleep last night I did realize I felt like the 3rd wheel on someone else's date! How awful! Anyway, thanks everyone for your input. I really appreciated hearing reactions from everyone. It definitely helped to put it all in perspective for me and decide what to do. If he contacts me and apologizes then I would consider giving it another chance. If not, then I guess I know to not schedule any more dates at that particular venue!
Feelin Frisky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Don't sweat it Silver. Your date was a jerk for not taking charge of the situation and getting it back to being your date. That would not be your job in this instance being that you didn't even really know your date either. Some folks here are judgmental and just like to fault people for their amusement. I'm not trying to patronize you just because you're hot either. Seriously, you are justified in being angry and I don't know how you talk to this guy again unless he leads with the world's most sincere what-the-hell-was-I-thinking? apology.
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