Feelin Frisky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 After my last first date the woman said: "so, can I jerk you off?" I should have declined. But it's hard to tell when someone is going to turn out so wrong. If I had said no she might have felt rejected and not seen me again at all. So in the moment I answered in the affirmative. But I shouldn't have. It went as expected. She was clumsy at it and she could have yanked me into the next afternoon and nothing would have happned. So, to relieve her I finished and then she was disappointed that she couldn't do it. So predictable. So predictable. No, you may not jerk me off.
810 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) See, in this case you got the best end of the deal. For men, they want to have sex as soon as possible while spending as little money and time as possible. For women, your job is to wait out on the sex for as long as possible while he spends as much money and time as possible. The one with the bigger nerves of steel wins. In this case, you did. And I will not blame any other girl who is in your situation. However, I will blame the guy. aww 4th, it shouldn't be a blaming game. It was my relationship with him so it was just not him, the only one who spent time and money, but I also. I think using sex as a reward of any form is manipulation. And personally, I like to pamper my guy Can't speak for all but it's not like what you said, it wasn't my job to wait out on sex. I told him about my choice for not rushing into having sex and he respected that. I have a choice and I chose it. He did love and care for me as I for him. This is something I guess you haven't seen in a woman's heart. Edited January 5, 2011 by 810
Els Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) It is. I'm pretty sure that not ALL men get sex on the third date. But I'm pretty sure that there are guys I know who do get sex by, or on, the third date. If they don't, we look elsewhere or make that call to the bullpen and have her replaced with some girl who will give him what he wants. What, three dates is too soon? How much longer do you want him to wait before you sigh and say, "Okay, okay. We can have sex now?" Six? Seven? Throughout the course of that time, that guy would've spent a fortune on trying to get you into bed. That's a great deal for you, but a raw deal for him. Why should we buy a car without test driving it? If the sex happens too soon, he could very well not talk to her again. But at the same time, we're not going to wait long enough before we know EVERYTHING about each other before we even get to we have your left leg at the 10 and your right leg at the 3. Men want sex. It doesn't have to happen on the first or second date or even the third date. No one is putting a gun to your head. I'm not. We won't sweat it because by that time, we won't waste another penny wit someone who might never put out in the first place. The longer you hold your pu$$y hostage, the sooner we're losing interest. Geeks, dweebs, nerds, losers, or unpopular men will wait for as long as you make them wait. They'll be happy if they lose have the sex by Date 10, after spending well over 600 dollars throughout the course of that time. I don't how many guys are willing to wait that long before having sex with a particular girl for the first time. Stop trying to speak for everyone. USA != the whole world. And frankly, I would hope that you're exaggerating, for the sake of men in the USA. What you're doing is really tantamount to a woman saying, 'If he doesn't buy me an expensive dinner by date 3, I'm out.' I mean, that's her prerogative, but what does that REALLY say about her character? It means that all she cares about when dating is getting free moolah. And in your case, it means all you care about is getting sex - the woman herself doesn't matter. My homeland probably isn't the norm but people there typically have their first intercourse anytime between a month after dating (uncommon in younger circles, more common in older ones), to after marriage. Of course, drunken ONS do occur, but those rarely lead to actual relationships. I know several successful, good-looking men who are relatively popular with women (although not my type). None of them apply your three-date rule. In fact, most of them claim that if they're looking for a LTR with a woman, they WANT to wait. Quick and easy sex is only desirable for flings. Again, you're entitled to YOUR decisions - if you want to apply such rules to your relationships, it's your choice. Just stop trying to make it sound like ALL men are like you. Because they're not. Edited January 5, 2011 by Elswyth
oaks Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 But if there's no sex by the end of the third date, we'll start to look elsewhere because we will think that you're not that interested in us. I'm pleased to hear that you'll be leaving lots of good women for the rest of us.
zengirl Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I couldn't have sex on the first date, unless maybe it was like someone I'd known for years, and we'd just gotten together romantically, but we were already emotionally intimate or whatnot. I know cases like that, though it's never happened to me, and that seems totally different. But, after one date, I don't know a guy well enough to know I want to be physically joined with him. However, I think kissing on the first date is normal. I have made out on the first date, but not lately. But I like introverted, nerdy guys, who are serious about relationships, and they tend to go a bit slower in the beginning, physically. Which is fine by me, as long as I can tell you're into me, which can be done with a look, a touch, a hug, even a chaste kiss. . . if the chemistry is there. With my current BF, by the first few dates, he was clearly interested in sleeping with me but he wasn't "trying" to. And I wasn't "trying" to not sleep with him, it just wasn't time yet. I hate the notion that it's supposed to be some push/pull power struggle. . . I've never experienced that. It's always flowed from romantic intimacy for me, but I have to get to know someone pretty well first for that to happen. You don't have to have sex on the first date, although that'll be just fine by a lot of guys, myself included. But if there's no sex by the end of the third date, we'll start to look elsewhere because we will think that you're not that interested in us. This is preposterous. Sure, tons of guys take off if they don't get early sex. I even know some of those guys. It has nothing to do with, "Well, the girl didn't seem that interested" and more to do with, "I didn't want to work that hard and I'm only looking for something casual anyway," with the male friends I know that do it. And if the girl really knocked their socks off, they'd stick around anyway. Sure, they might have stayed longer with sex, but to me, 3 dates without sex > 10 dates with sex and then never being called again. And, frankly, the guys who care about sex so much that they'll leave if they don't get it after 3 dates. . . well, you've got a good chance of that sex, then eventually (not right after sex usually) never being called agin. I don't have the numbers with me to back me up, but I'm willing to bet that there are a lot of people who have had long term relationships after having sex after the first or second date. I had a 18-month relationship after having sex with her after the first date. Another one lasted almost a year after there was sex on the first date. However, I do agree that this happens, and sometimes it works out. You never know if it will or not on the first date, mainly because you don't actually know the person. But it's not the kiss of death some people think. My friend, Amy, had sex on the first date, and she married the guy and had 3 kids with him. He's a sweetheart. But she had lots of sex with other guys on first dates first. It wasn't a relationship strategy. She's just impulsive. I don't think there should be some stigma attached to sex on the first date, if that's what people want to do, and they're safe. However, these timelines are forced and ridiculous usually. Different people approach sex differently. Whether you have sex with a certain guy on Date 1 or Date 9, you're taking the risk that the guy will lose interest in you right afterwards. But I don't know of too many guys who will wait until the ninth date before the girl finally puts out. Eh, I think the general idea is more that guys who won't wait around because they're not getting laid (for a normal period of time; I'd get it if a guy liked a girl but couldn't date her because she wanted to wait till marriage, or a year for sex, or some unreasonably long time that wasn't compatible with him) are the guys you want to leave before you sleep with them. Certainly sleeping with those guys before getting to know them sounds pretty dangerous to me, but that's because sex is emotional for me. That's not true of all women I know, and plenty have sex as soon as possible. It tends to be the girls who wait* --- from what I've seen --- who have less heartache. *That means waiting on the emotional investment as well, not just literally waiting on the vagina. Why would any woman find it hard to restrain themselves sexually? I cant imagine such a woman being a man. She would probably be a serial rapist. Psychology shows that rape rarely has much to do with sex. It has a lot more to do with anger and power.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 OP, after further reading, I have a question. Are you talking about relationship-centric sex or hedonistic sex? In my view, those are two very different paths. On the hedonistic path, I'd tend to align with FourthPlanet's perspective. Don't dick around, no pun intended. If the attraction is there, get busy and press flesh. My exW, who had ten times the sexual partners I did, explained it as 'he's cute; I want him but I know nothing long-term is possible, so I took him for the moment'. My mind and emotions don't work that way so, even when the opportunities present themselves, I don't see that path. It is nice to understand it though. Another great lesson she taught me. My posts have been regarding perspective on the relationship-centric path, which is a bit more complex and many-faceted and of which sex is just a small but important part, IMO. Relationship- centric sex. I've been at the forefront where having sex on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date just doesn't work. Hedonistic sex can occur anywhere, anytime but like you exW said, they don't mean anything long-term.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 This! This is the real issue here. Women now think you are not into them or some dispassionate loser if you don't attempt to rape them on the first date. It's freaking crazy! Once I learned that trick I didn't have anymore issues. It seems I had "chemistry" with every woman I dated as long as I was super physically aggressive... in a respectful way. I absolutely don't mind physical attraction and aggressiveness on the first date, however, I no longer allow it to proceed to sex.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 After my last first date the woman said: "so, can I jerk you off?" I should have declined. But it's hard to tell when someone is going to turn out so wrong. If I had said no she might have felt rejected and not seen me again at all. So in the moment I answered in the affirmative. But I shouldn't have. It went as expected. She was clumsy at it and she could have yanked me into the next afternoon and nothing would have happned. So, to relieve her I finished and then she was disappointed that she couldn't do it. So predictable. So predictable. No, you may not jerk me off. And I used to be an advocate that bj isn't sex. Next time a girl shoud have thought twice between getting in between a guy's legs. Who would end up getting the worst impression, the guy or her?
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm pleased to hear that you'll be leaving lots of good women for the rest of us. So true!! And he leaves us to allow us to find a good man!!
Ometeotl Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Mercy Mercy me, The way it is for myself, the Lady will be desperate for me sexually by the end of the date, or before the date even starts. Actually having sex, well now, thats on my terms. If I want to be romantic, or do some primal national geographic ****, I have to check her body language and then I choose. I decide. Although sometimes a little teasing and flirting generally dictates what we both want. In the end, it is a choice to go in any direction on a date or relationship. In life we all make choices, we have to make them. Indeed woman pick up on that, its all part of the dance. It should always be a mutual thing, I just lead the dance, choose the song, and all that Jazz.
amerikajin Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If someone dumps you because they don't get sex on date number three, who cares? Did you really want them anyway? Yet I don't disagree that there are many - men and even women now - who assume that lack of sexual urgency means a lack of interest. I think our dating culture has been brainwashed into believing that sex is the end-all, be-all of the relationship, which is why a lot of relationships end up in patterns of yo-yo moving in, moving out of rented apartments for years, or worse, god-awful marriages that end in divorce a few years later - probably when one of them cheats because they feel like their 'needs' aren't being met. I say, hold out for someone who matters. If someone walks away over not getting a home-run by their third at-bat, you didn't need them anyway. Wait until the right one comes along. Be choosy in the right way.
OldSkool Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She has already given me her heart, her body is merely the icing on the cake.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) The more money he spends, the more he's hoping to have sex with you. Men want their bang for their bucks. No sex after $600 or $850? How is he not ripped off? This is why you guys should not go on a spending spree with women who might never put out. It makes better sense to spend more money only after the sex has taken place. If the guy has the money, who's to stop him from breaking his wallet? But I would question the gullibility of a guy who can spend up to a few hundreds for a date. Under $100 is reasonable for a first date, but why the loose wallet? Only golddiggers attach themselves to men who flaunt their cash around. Also, a guy friend recently told me about his past date with a girl he took out to dinner. Apparently he wined and dined her at a very fancy hotel, and he paid close to $1000, but she didn't put out. I can't help but tell him he was being gullible especially since the girl had been a flake before and was disinterested in everything about him except what's in his wallet. Edited January 5, 2011 by xpaperxcutx
TaurusTerp Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If the guy has the money, who's to stop him from breaking his wallet? But I would question the gullibility of a guy who can spend up to a few hundreds for a date. Under $100 is reasonable for a first date, but why the loose wallet? Only golddiggers attach themselves to men who flaunt their cash around. Also, a guy friend recently told me about his past date with a girl he took out to dinner. Apparently he wined and dined her at a very fancy hotel, and he paid close to $1000, but she didn't put out. I can't help but tell him he was being gullible especially since the girl had been a flake before and was disinterested in everything about him except what's in his wallet. I think he meant cumulatively. 100 per date adds up fast. To your question though, I'll go as far as the girl lets me because in my experience its better to get it out of the way. Ive had 2 successful relationships (8 months, 1.5 years) from sex on the first date. And unsuccessful ones, but sex had nothing to do with it on my part.
Allisha Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I LOVE it when you talk dirty to me. You're turning me on! Baby, I like it rough. And the angry sex we'll have afterwards will the the best you've ever had. "I'll NEVER have sex with YOU!" Yeah, whatever. Take me out on a date and we'll see. I don't know how you look like, but I'm sure you're not the hottest thing on two legs. Speak for yourself. Guess what, Sweetheart. ALL men think with their dicks. Newsflash: Men don't leave their dicks at home. Whenever a man is nice to you, he wants to get in your pants (unless you look disgusting). Men take their dicks with them to work, we take them Barns & Nobles, and we certainly take them with us on dates to disgrace you in the bedroom. Awh, you called me sweetheart. I love it when you get cute with me! The romantic sex we'd have after the angry stuff, would be uhmaaazing. Hey, if you don't want them to disgrace you, then you're more than welcome to disgrace us in the bedroom. The more money he spends, the more he's hoping to have sex with you. Men want their bang for their bucks. No sex after $600 or $850? How is he not ripped off? This is why you guys should not go on a spending spree with women who might never put out. It makes better sense to spend more money only after the sex has taken place. See, my problem is when men objectify women, just like you do. Sex is great, and a natural thing, obviously... but is it possible for a guy to actually care about a girl and respect her if all he can think about is fking her?
Feelin Frisky Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 And I used to be an advocate that bj isn't sex. Next time a girl shoud have thought twice between getting in between a guy's legs. Who would end up getting the worst impression, the guy or her? Well, I ate her and she was pissy. And I got a half @ssed hand job. So I got the worse impression.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Interesting topic. First thing that comes to mind is: internet dating has made it a much more regular thing, sex or at least oral sex on first dates. My ex boyfriend and a few guys I know on dating sites, met up with VERY aggressive women and they were willing and eager to please, and stated it in no uncertain terms. (They talked sex talk and flirted online for a week before the date so it was already in the air) My ex is a great guy, great, but he got very caught up in this and let himself go way farther than he would have 10 years ago before internet dating. Maybe it's cause we are in our 40's and there are plenty of women online who want to get right to it, and get their swerve on (ie., divorced and want to go wild, or casual sex rather that relationship-men do it too of course). I was surprised how many woman would be willing and eager to sleep with STRANGERS on first date, or atleast oral sex. Smart, educated woman with careers....not desperate women by any means. My ex denied many of them on the sex but found it too hard to avoid the oral sex offers...It's a different world...today. THAT being said. I have had sex on first dates in my past, only booze involved, and I was never ok with it or proud. Made me feel gross, cheap, like a slut, always regretted it. Moreover, safety issues are huge issue and so many other things. I like to wait many many or preferably a month or two but that does not always happen. Sex happens sooner than later sometimes. BUT I will say, I like to wait, know someone, learn more about him, his likes, wants, who he is in his head, heart, before I get intimate. I have no problems with kissing, passion, I love it, if it's right, and like getting hot and heavy that way...for many dates...and I like the build up. I don't play games though..I am straight up... I find a lot of men seem almost incapable of waiting, they are so eager, aggressive, horny, and expect it...they have been with lots of women who have done all sorts of things night one or definitely date two. Lots of people I know, men, are getting laid at least on date two...shocks me really. BUT as I said, this is internet stuff they are doing. I don't feel like I need to or want to do that, so if they need to get laid on date one or two, they can walk away and find someone who will..... I am very eager to get to know someone a while, then get deeper. I have waited plenty of times, and it was always better, more meaningful and I did not have to deal with self hate, respect nor thinking the guy was a bonehead and jerk for trying to urge me into something to soon. I have an abusive background so I did not know/understand boundaries well when younger, so I "let" people go farther than they should. I have been date raped, etc the list goes on. I am not a kid, I have grown and I have a lot of self respect when it comes to sex now, or a lot more. I dont want someones pecker in my business (lol gee I sound like Beavis and Butthead-or Waynes World, lol), until I know them, care for them and clear them of any potential disease....I like my men to get tested and most dont test the women they were previously with. THAT SCARES the sheeeeaaattt out of me. As for money and dates, I am not materialistic and money is not a huge impetus for me. I love stability and someone who is secure, but I dont like men aimlessly or carelessly wasting money on me. I am careful with mine, and never expect men to just toss out a wad of cash and pay for everything. NOPE, not my way. I actually almost never..well maybe never go on first dates that are dinner dates. Dont want a man to spend the money on me like that, certainly not for a first date. I prefer a quick drink at a bar, hang out, see if there is any chemisty and connection and then go from their. Expensive dates up front, not for me. I am way more impressed with a man that can SAVE money, and be responsible, than just toss it away like he has no care. true dat'
Akumark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What an interesting subject! I used to think sex on the first date was bad but after asking a lot of my friends about it I'm now standing in the middle. I guess the most important thing is to listen to yourself and do what you think is right at the moment. Like the OP said, she used to do it, she was fine with it, now she changed her mind, good! I know most of my male friends are like me, when we get laid on the first date we don't reallty consider the girl dating material, like if it was to easy or something but I'm starting to change my view about it. My last relation started just like that, I had no interest in the girl, she was a friend of my best friend. We all went to sleep at my friend house after a big night at a dance club and she litteraly ''jumped'' on me during the night, it was amazing. The rest is a series of bad moves made by me and her but it could have been something great.
SnowandStars Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Rules rules rules... And even with all of these rules, the state of relationships today is dire. If a man sleeps with a woman on the first date, and then decides he doesn't respect her because of that...well what does that say about him? I mean, he also participated... People also need to stop acting like a man is a dog if he wants to sleep with you earlier than what the rules dictate. When you're attracted to someone, you usually also want to sleep with them. Sex feels good and it is a fun way for two people to spend time together. Sure some men out there are only looking for a quick lay, but I can guarantee that there are plenty of men who are fighting the urge to rip your clothes off on date one who also are genuinely interested in you. Heck, I'm female and if I'm really feeling a dude I want to rock his world right then and there, on the table at the restaurant. If sex on the first date ruins my chances with a guy, well he wasn't the one for me. If things went wrong with you and a guy you fooled around with on the first date, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway. If you're not comfortable with having sex early on, that is understandable. However, if you're following these rules because someone told you that waiting will make him fall harder for you, you need to stop listening to others and make decisions for yourself.
musemaj11 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Why is it so hard for people to stop taking casual sex so lightly and think about the health risk? Forget about respect or moral. Just think about your own safety.
zengirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Why is it so hard for people to stop taking casual sex so lightly and think about the health risk? Forget about respect or moral. Just think about your own safety. Because people believe the myth that condoms protect against all STDs. They certainly help, but they're not helpful against everything.
Disillusioned Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 or does it? Based on past dating experiences, I will shamefully label myself as a " Sex on the first date" offender. And boy, did it send me into a mess. I ended up being an easy lay for guys who disappear after 3 dates. Nowadays, I don't do sex, even though, I'm more than aware of my attraction towards my dates. There will be the touching, hand holding, body hugging, but no clothes shall ever fly off. I can't say I got it patsdown to an exact science- because the kissing can really drive both parties nuts. However, I am more aware of my need for self-control. That's why Realdolls were invented.
Mad Max Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Why is it so hard for people to stop taking casual sex so lightly and think about the health risk? Forget about respect or moral. Just think about your own safety. Because many people think they're fine as long as they use a condom. Then when they get herpes, it's a mystery how they got it. Then no one wants them because they don't want to risk getting it and all of that could have been prevented by 1)Not having sex outside of a committed relationship or 2)Getting tested for STDs first.
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