betrayed11 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Talking 1. She is talking to me and being honest and answering questions. This has been hugely helpful...the "Letter to a Wayward Spouse" was excellent when I gave it to her. 2. My counselor - an absolute gem. Letting me cry, yell, scream, and cry some more but somehow getting me to a level headed place where I can make progress. Memories 1. Marriage Counseling - she started the affair 7 months into our counseling (we continued counseling for about another year). The crap she put me through in some of those sessions because I was "too snooppy", "questioned too much", "didn't trust her", "always needed an answer", "didn't give her the space she needed". The counselor agreed with all these things after all "Trust and letting each person be their own person are the most important pillars of marriage." 2. So the quotes from the W were "It's going to be your lack of trust that ends our marriage", "You know I need my space. Don't you trust me? If you crowd me or don't trust me you will end our marriage." 3. The number one issue (from counseling sessions and our own convo's) she held against me during the 2.5 years of her hidden affair....I begged her (constantly) to put more emotional energy into fixing our marriage. I implored her for that energy and the time our marriage needed. "I am going to counseling with you aren't I?" "Nothing I do will ever be enough for you." The marriage counselor agreed with her. I couldn't keep saying that you are making her pull away from you." One guess where that emotional energy was going. 4. Memories that flash from the past 3 years that I questioned "day spa: charges for bikini waxes (we were not having sex at the time), day trips to see museums and overnight trips to her cousins house - I need my space, you know that - please reread #1 and #2 above. 5. Rinse and repeat #4 - yoga classes, area meetings. 6. The memories mostly happen when I am driving or at night (just as I might have a chance to sleep). Many of those memories lead to that explosive instant sobbing. It is hard to drive and sleep that way. The sudden, incessant, curl up on the floor sobbing 1. The brain and our emotions are amazing things. It is not as if I say "She betrayed me" and then I sob. The flashes cause sobs and sometimes nothing causes sobs. 2. But that nothing it is absolutely about betrayal. The way I am making sense of it is many of us BS have a deep seated, ingrained, subconscious commitment to loyalty and trust. My W has a commitment to loyalty and trust, for sure, but it cannot be deep seated, ingrained, and subconscious because that kind of trust and loyalty makes it impossible to even consider an A. The instant sobs are from the damage to that subconscious commitment and dedication to that trust and loyalty. My Kids 1. I tried to protect my kids (ages 21, 21, 19, 17). I gave them no details, but they put it all together. They figured out my W had an A. So now it is in the open so we talk about it more. 2. During those discussions it came to light that one of my kids found an e-mail on my W's computer soon after the affair started. She actually only saw the subject line and a few preview lines, but the language and the subject matter were clear. She freaked out and to her credit talked to one of her older sibs (again 2.5 years ago). My W was confronted by the older sib and denied it. The kids remembered the name of the guy (because they had met him once - he is a colleague of my W - more on that in some later post). When this came to light three days ago, they were talking figured it all out and were faced with the fact that their mother had an affair for 2.5 years while we were supposedly trying to figure out how to repair our marriage. 3. They chose not to tell me, which was probably a good idea, because the evidence was probably gone and please refer to Memories #1,#2. 4. They are madder at the guy than I am. He destroyed their family. This also jibes with so many other things they had experienced with her - drinking, not being around, etc. These things had already significantly soured the relationship with their Mom. Again, emotional energy - where was it going - it all make sense and they are paying the price for her A. 5. I am supporting them. They need a good relationship with their mother. I find myself defending her in face of their accusations and anger. I have told them that it is going to take a long time. Perhaps in a year or so they may see a whole different mom, a better mom. (She has been a great mom up until 3-4 years ago.) If they can persevere for a year or two, I believe that could happen. I am honestly not sure they will make it. The Evidence 1. Thank god I found a mountain of evidence or I would be living through Memories #1,#2 right now. Maybe that sounds weird to be thankful, but I am better off whether we reconcile or D. I could type for another hour and it has only been 3 days. Thanks for letting me vent.
freestyle Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth, posting your story is likely to help a number of other people..(on both sides of the fence, actually) as well as yourself. The only advice I can give you right now is a reminder to eat well, and stay hydrated--it's easy to neglect those things when you're in the middle of a huge emotional overload.It will help you to keep a clearer head, which is what you need right now.......
What_Next Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 In a word, been there, done that. You mentioning being on the floor sobbing, well I have been there far too many times. Recently when she and our child were decorating our Christmas tree I could not get off the kitchen floor. To her credit she lied there with me. DO NOT make any life changing decisions right now. Give yourself time to get over the initial shock and anger. Personally I'd stay away from her for a while, but that's just me.
YellowShark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 ...she started the affair 7 months into our counseling (we continued counseling for about another year). So she was letting you waste time, money, and effort on counseling while she was cheating behind your back. Essentially your wife was lying to you and the Marriage Counselor repeatedly. For me that would be hard to get over. The crap she put me through in some of those sessions because I was "too snooppy", "questioned too much", "didn't trust her", "always needed an answer", "didn't give her the space she needed". The counselor agreed with all these things after all "Trust and letting each person be their own person are the most important pillars of marriage." Well your Marriage Counselor SUCKS! Why? Because those are the classic Gaslighting lines - (see bolded.) You most likely did those things because she WAS being untruthful, untrustworthy, and unfaithful. So who was really destroying the "pillars of your marriage" betrayed11? The number one issue (from counseling sessions and our own convo's) she held against me during the 2.5 years of her hidden affair....I begged her (constantly) to put more emotional energy into fixing our marriage. I implored her for that energy and the time our marriage needed. "I am going to counseling with you aren't I?" "Nothing I do will ever be enough for you." The marriage counselor agreed with her. I couldn't keep saying that you are making her pull away from you." One guess where that emotional energy was going. Yet another reason your Marriage Counselor sucked. Your wife WAS removing the passion and emotion that was to be reserved for you and your marriage and directing it towards her lover. And she was doing this during marriage counseling! I am sorry betrayed11 but I have read enough... I side with your children on this one. Your wife lied to you, she lied to the kids, and she lied to the Marriage Counselor. Her lies continued for 2.5 years. That's would be a deal-breaker for me. (BTW my EX did the same thing, cheating, lying to me, and lying to the Marriage Counselor... and I am no longer with her. FEELS GREAT to be liberated from her lies! The truth actually did set me free.)
fltc Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Personally I'd stay away from her for a while, but that's just me. Personally I wouldn't. What Next already knows my feelings, just wanted to offer a comment on the other side, DUMP HER! ASAP! She lies, she cheats, she'll continue.... dump her for your kid's sake if not your own sake, teach your children there are consequences to one's actions!
NoLongerSad Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You don't need to stay together for the kids, they are in early adulthood already. I have to agree with the others who see nothing left worth saving in this relationship. By the time a woman gets to the point of doing what your wife did to you, in her own mind, the marriage is long since over. That's how they justify that kind of an affair. This is a very selfish woman who not only lied to you, she lied to her own children. All you have is a memory of something that either never was, or if it ever did exist, is gone forever. It's time to move on and try to find a woman who will really love and respect you. Don't invest any more of your life into this worthless trashcan of a marriage.
Author betrayed11 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) I certainly appreciate and thank people for their honesty and opinions. I certainly needed to vent, but I definitely need some time to make a decision about D. I absolutely do not need to stay M for the kids, but the question is if she can become more whole what will the marriage be for the next 25 years - could it be better than it ever was? But heck, she may not want to reconcile so I am not sure I should even consider the possibility. I'm convinced she will get better, she is already committing to it and taking action. That makes me happy for her and my kids. My main priorities is taking care of my kids so they can heal, taking care of myself so I can heal, and making sure my W is getting the help she needs to become whole. Edited January 6, 2011 by betrayed11 needed to finish my thought!
seren Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I certainly appreciate and thank people for their honesty and opinions. I certainly needed to vent, but I definitely need some time to make a decision about D. I absolutely do not need to stay M for the kids, but the question is if she can become more whole what will the marriage be for the next 25 years - could it be better than it ever was? But heck, she may not want to reconcile so I am not sure I should even consider the possibility. I'm convinced she will get better, she is already committing to it and taking action. That makes me happy for her and my kids. My main priorities is taking care of my kids so they can heal, taking care of myself so I can heal, and making sure my W is getting the help she needs to become whole. Hi Betrayed 11 Sounds like you are in a better, more informed place than 3 days ago, so that's progress. The night time gut wrenchers and the uncontrollable anger, hurt, rage, tears and sick to the pit of the stomach feelings, do lessen, sometimes they catch you unawares and sometimes for a while after they bite your bum when you least expect them to. They lessen, well IME they do/did. My son also heard about H's affair, but it was during the D Day explosion - he came home early and boy was I kicking off, the whole street heard! But, I have to say, I told my boy that his Dad really needed a hug right then and that it was my and his Dad's argument and not his. So my son hugged his Dad told him he was a p**ck and then said that he loved him. I am glad he did this as their relationship is great now. I hope your children and their mother have this too. I know that for some people reconciliation is just not an option, must admit I never thought it would be what I would do. But I am so, so glad that I did. Like you I have been married for bloody ages, and the good times certainly outweighed the bad - informed choice on my part was essential. Once I had it all, I could take stock and look at what worked for me, what could I forgive, not forget, but love my husband despite the A. The Wayward Spouse letter just said all I needed and wanted to say to my H, after he read that he got it, he got my need for truth. At some point I had to decide to let go of the past and the hurt, own my role in our marriage problems before the A. he had to own the A, all of it and he had to look deep within himself to ask what it was about him and his character at that time, that saw him having an A. It has not been easy, but it has been a journey of discovery for both of us. I have changed and so has he, so has our relationship. I would so wish we had arrived at this point without the bombshell of the A, but we have and so we deal with it. If I have demons, we talk about it, for a time and then I let it go - because I choose to. Similarly so does he, the remorse and regret he shows breaks my heart at times. But it can be done, it can be worth it and it can be better than before. I realise a lot of people wouldn't or couldn't reconcile, but that's based on their experiences, their informed choices. Whatever you do, I advise making any decisions on informed choice, truth and the setting of boundaries. I wish you well Seren x
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hi, I again strongly suggest EMDR to help you process this. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I was a walking time-bomb for months. I got left on the floor too, my husband lied to 5 different counselors (I just remebered the fifth one the other day). 1 from church, 1 for sexual addiction treatment, 1 for regular MC, 1 counselor when we lived in Ottawa, and my personal counselor in Killaloe. He blew so many chances. If I would have caught him sooner, I am pretty sure that I would have walked. I do believe that there is recovery though. I am shocked by your counselor though, only one of ours caught that my husband was still cheating.
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I certainly appreciate and thank people for their honesty and opinions. I certainly needed to vent, but I definitely need some time to make a decision about D. I absolutely do not need to stay M for the kids, but the question is if she can become more whole what will the marriage be for the next 25 years - could it be better than it ever was? But heck, she may not want to reconcile so I am not sure I should even consider the possibility. I'm convinced she will get better, she is already committing to it and taking action. That makes me happy for her and my kids. My main priorities is taking care of my kids so they can heal, taking care of myself so I can heal, and making sure my W is getting the help she needs to become whole. Well if it works out for you then great betrayed11. In my situation after all my EX's lies to the people that were closest to her and loved her I simply could not believe anything she said anymore. It was too easy for her to lie. So I never ever felt what she was telling was the truth, just the convenient truth for her. And I couldn't live that way. She caused too much pain and distrust. So I said goodbye. All I can say is be wary, don't get fooled again. Good luck.
fltc Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I certainly appreciate and thank people for their honesty and opinions. I certainly needed to vent, but I definitely need some time to make a decision about D. I absolutely do not need to stay M for the kids, but the question is if she can become more whole what will the marriage be for the next 25 years - could it be better than it ever was? But heck, she may not want to reconcile so I am not sure I should even consider the possibility. No matter what happens you'll never trust her again and, to me, that would eliminate any thought of reconciliation.
Linda9999 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 What is EMDR? I asked that somewhere else and never got an answer. betrayed11, I was in exactly your place on March 13 2010 (we even have kids exactly the same ages, although I only have one 21yo!), and today my husband and I are in a far, far better place. We found each other after drifting apart over a period of years. It's all up to your wife, though. If she can prove to you that she is committed a thousand percent to reconciliation, becomes an open book, and works super hard, then you may be able to move past what she did with her and not apart from her. Eat, breathe, vent and cry. You don't need to make ANY decisions for a few months yet.
Distant78 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You're still in shock now, but later on you'll know what you need to do.
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