OyVey Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, I've been lurking for months. A little background ... I have suspected my H of nearly 26 years of having an affair for at least the last 8 months. All the classic signs are there and I am 99.9% certain he's been involved with the same woman in an intense EA/PA for at least a year and a half. I have done a lot of reading and I know it is not my fault that he chose to have an affair rather than dealing with the (many) problems in our marriage, but I do take the majority of the blame for our dysfunctional marriage. I am a recovering alcoholic (been sober for 9 months) and I have never made things easy. He has always been there for our kids and I have not. I think this has led to a lot of resentment on his part (and on our childrens). In any event, I want to save our marriage (and keep my family intact) and I am ready to do the work (including continuing AA and IC) to make things amazing between us. During the holidays, after a confidence building IC session, I (sort of) confronted my husband with my suspicions. I told him that I suspected he was having an affair and that he needed to stop it otherwise I would have to seek advice on ending our marriage. I did not ask for a confession or for any details. He simply denied that he was having an affair. And I left it at that. So, now I am stuck in a situation where I have no idea if he has ended things or if they have gone underground. I do not necessarily want to know the truth (I'd rather remain wilfully blind) but I want us to move forward and build a stronger marriage. Am I setting myself up for disaster here? Can we make this work without dealing with the affair head on and with me just trying to ignore it? Should I confront him again? I suspect (based on my gut) that he has not ended things. Edited January 5, 2011 by OyVey Added "I suspect (based on my gut) that he has not ended things."
datura_noir Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I think you should gather concrete evidence, even if you have to SNOOP, and don't ask him if he's catting around, make sure he knows that YOU know he is, and he has two options: 1.call a marriage counselor or 2.a divorce lawyer.
bentnotbroken Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What problem is ever resolved by ignoring it? If you ignore debt you go broke. If you ignore car problems the issue is compounded. If you ignore a leak in the roof...you end up with damage in the walls and possible the foundation. If you ignore an illness you risk impairment and/or death. Why would you risk your physical health because you don't want to face what you suspect? Is your life worth ignoring him possible having sex with someone unprotected.
freestyle Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 In my experience, rug sweeping rarely works. It's really hard to keep your balance on a lumpy rug. Especially when you're trying to dodge the elephant in the room. My prediction is that the more you try to bury your suspicions, the more they're going to keep nagging at the back of your mind....which will fester and lead to pent-up resentment.....which will then manifest either in passive-aggressive behavior towards your spouse (which will drive a larger wedge between the two of you) or, you will internalize all of that resentment, which can lead you into depression.Which might tempt you to start drinking again---please don't go down that road again....... If your H has not been forthcoming with you so far, then I agree with the previous poster--start collecting evidence to confirm your H's infidelity. Then decide on whether or not you want to try to salvage the marriage, or move on. (that can be the hardest part) Keep reading and posting here, there's a lot you can learn from reading other people's stories. best wishes~~FS
fltc Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Am I setting myself up for disaster here?/QUOTE] Yes.
imagine Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) You must not be blind. Marriage dysfunctions may well be your fault, infidelity is his. Your marriage WILL NOT continue with his infidelity. As mentioned: snoop[ -use a keylogger on your PC, use VAR near the telephone and in his car, monitor his calls. Get evidence- then expose. Expose to all that will help, your family his family OW family and work contacts. Tell these folk that your are trying to save your marriage -get them involved. The next step is to Plan A your husband by meeting his emotional needs. Losing your alcoholism is one of them I'm sure. Check out the articles at Marriage Builders. com for all the Emotional Needs list. God bless your marriage! Edited January 5, 2011 by imagine addition
xxoo Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 In any event, I want to save our marriage (and keep my family intact) and I am ready to do the work (including continuing AA and IC) to make things amazing between us. If you want an amazing marriage, you need honesty, communication, and connection. There is no way for your marriage to become amazing with the enormity of an unaddressed affair between you. Your marriage might limp along and survive, but it won't be the marriage you crave.
YellowShark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 "In sickness and in health..." That's what you and your husband agreed to. Alcoholism is a sickness, infidelity is not. Your marriage will suffer because the passion and emotion that is supposed to be invested into your marriage is being siphoned off by your husband and directed towards his mistress. Eventually you'll begin to notice that.. and that's simply no way to go through life, (being a second fiddle to a mistress.)
Author OyVey Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks for all of your responses. Pretty much what I expected to hear. I have evidence and I received confirmation from his best friend today that he was indeed involved in an affair for 2.5 years! His friend says that my H told him that my telling him I would seek advice regarding ending the marriage shook him up and he has not seen the OW since,however, he does continue to talk/email/text her. At this point, I just don't know what to do. Do I sit back and wait until he tries to see her again and hope that he doesn't? Or do i confront again and tell him he needs to stop all contact now? I'm also starting to have conflicting feelings about whether I actually love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, or if I just don't want to lose him to the other woman. Is this normal?
YellowShark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 ...he has not seen the OW since, however, he does continue to talk/email/text her. Oy Vey you're giving me Schpilkas! Since your husband is still talking/emailing/texting her he is STILL emotionally invested in her. And frankly you don't really know if he's not seeing her either, unless you are following him around 24/7. At this point, I just don't know what to do. Do I sit back and wait until he tries to see her again and hope that he doesn't? Or do i confront again and tell him he needs to stop all contact now? Well since you are his wife he should be doing everything in his power to woo you and stop all contact with his mistress. If he resists cutting all contact then don't make this man a priority who only sees you as an option. I'm also starting to have conflicting feelings about whether I actually love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, or if I just don't want to lose him to the other woman. Is this normal? That's for you to decide. It sounds like it is do or die time where you and your husband need to really seek marriage counseling and try to navigate these waters you find yourself in. Best of luck.
Author OyVey Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Through snooping (reading his iPhone) I have learned that he is meeting with the OW this weekend to "discuss where things stand and where (we) go from here." He also added that he "is confused about things." He is the one that is insisting on the meeting because he "need(s) to see her and her beautiful face again". Any thoughts/interpretations? I know where they are meeting and a very big part of me wants to show up and confront them. Anyone ever been involved in a public confrontation? Is it ugly? Or should I confront him before they meet? Or after? I am so confused!
YellowShark Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 He simply denied that he was having an affair. And I left it at that. So he denied having an affair yet... he "need(s) to see her and her beautiful face again". I think that pretty well tells you he is flirting with her and IS having at least an emotional affair with this OW. I know where they are meeting and a very big part of me wants to show up and confront them. Anyone ever been involved in a public confrontation? Is it ugly? Or should I confront him before they meet? Or after? I am so confused! If it is in a public place and you feel safe where they are meeting then why the hell not. Wait until they are together, take a few pictures of them together for your lawyer, and then walk in on them. Don't say a word about the pictures you have taken.. that is your legal ammunition when he denies the affair. Most of all stay calm, don't do anything hysterical or stupid. If it is not a safe public place then your personal safety is paramount and do not confront them. That's what I would do.
Recommended Posts