Allisha Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Alex, I've kept up with your threads, though I haven't posted in them a whole lot. I don't really know what to say, except that your wife and her liking of this guy is quite odd to say the least.. and no, you're not a loony. The therapist is right, she should be allowed to have male friends, but there are boundaries, no? I just have this really bad gut feeling that you're wasting your time. Really, I wish you all the best. Keep us updated.
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Perhaps a one on one session for each of you before your first co session will help? Great suggestion. Our psychologist did this and it gave him a great foundation for perspective on a plan of treatment. It also allowed my exW to share things in confidence with him that she had never told me, mainly about her childhood. As you noted, honesty is crucial for effective treatment. I was brutally honest about my affair and perhaps that's why treatment was effective. Time will tell for the OP and his W.
Author alex1960 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 OP, since your wife has stated she has ceased contact with this friend, what boundaries have you and she established to ensure consistent and verifiable behavior in that regard in the future? What's the plan? In general, I am not opposed to having opposite gender friends and my exW and I both had numerous ones. Most of the time, it's not an issue. Sometimes, it is an issue, and was for us, specifically for me. When it is, a healthy vacation from such friendships is warranted while clear boundaries and practices are established to re-prioritize the marriage and rebuild lost trust. Marriage counseling is a part of that process, for some. So, what's the plan? I'll give you some insight. I fought very hard in MC to rationalize and retain that emotional bond I had developed with someone outside our M. My exW could tell you stories to make your hair curl. Everything that was missing in that department in the M, fulfilled outside, was threatened with death. Your wife's feelings and motivations may be different, but they're potent and powerful. It's scary, really. I felt as if my lifeline was being yanked from my grasp with nothing but the cold abyss beneath my feet. If that 'friend' was nothing, she'd be totally focused on recovery and her emotions would be squarely facing you and with you. Your recounting here paints a bit different picture. IMO, if this therapist does not seek balance of perspective and respect for *both* of your feelings, it's time to get a referal or seek out another therapist. A good therapist will support *and* challenge clients and take a balanced approach. What goes on in there isn't one-sided. You're both in the M; you're both in MC; you're both responsible. If the therapist is good, you'll both own that responsibility in a healthy way. Are your wife's sisters aware of your marital issues? Any response, support, concern, advice from them? Thank you so much for sharing. Would you mind to elaborate on the things you did to rationalize and retain that relationship? Feel free to PM me if you prefer as this is exactly what I think my wife has been doing. I'd really love to hear from you on this. I don't have that close of a relationship with my sisters in law to have this kind of insight unfortunately.
Author alex1960 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Well this is a great example of how therapy won't help if the patient isn't honest. Therapist isn't privy to everything the husband knows because he hasn't known the wife very long. And she is just singing a lullaby to him. Based on what she says, the therapists words make sense. Yes, if the fella was just a friend, she shouldn't be getting flack about it. This guy wasn't just a friend. But that little ditty isn't getting airplay in your sessions. Scrap this one and find another; he has been tainted and sounds naive. Perhaps a one on one session for each of you before your first co session will help? You are quite right. It's easy to deny having feelings. Heck I can't even proove anything myself.
Author alex1960 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Alex, I've kept up with your threads, though I haven't posted in them a whole lot. I don't really know what to say, except that your wife and her liking of this guy is quite odd to say the least.. and no, you're not a loony. The therapist is right, she should be allowed to have male friends, but there are boundaries, no? I just have this really bad gut feeling that you're wasting your time. Really, I wish you all the best. Keep us updated. Thank you so much for reading.
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