anitap87 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 After general back-and-forth disputes with my boyfriend for the past two months or so, I decided to break things off with him and leave. There is a back story to this, of course, but it is long and tedious but the point is: we have been together for over two years, and love one another .. very dearly and sincerely. There hasn't been any infidelity nor abuse - we are just two stubborn people who are nearly clones of each other personality-wise; personalities which have begun to clash for the past 2 months and create tensions, arguments, etc. On December 24th, he e-mailed me that he was incredibly sorry, that he loves me deeply and .. well, just an apologetic e-mail overall. I did not reply to this e-mail to date. Why, you ask? The central thing we fought about most was how he doesn't convey his feelings into words as much as he should. He cares and he says he does when asked, but where is the initiate to show me -- of his own accord -- that he cares as much as I do, since he always says "it's mutual, although if anything, it's me that loves you more"? So although he did send that e-mail, .. he *knows* that I would respond more favorably (or at all) if he said something else - made any more effort. If he sent just .. one other message (this is sentences we're talking about!) to show that he actually cared enough to make things work out, and not just "wait to see what happens", or something. If he himself sees no reason or purpose in writing me again -if he truly feels that he has done his part with a single e-mail and will not send another, then one can logically conclude nothing other than that he is arguably indifferent as to the outcome of our situation. Indifferent with a "If it works out, then great. If not, .. oh well, I tried"-type of attitude. That may be the acceptable mindset people have towards completing middle school geography projects, but that is not something I can tolerate, regardless of how much I love him. And so I ask you, dear Loveshack posters: have I lost my mind? Have I lost it partially, or completely? Is it so wrong of me to have wanted a message that was more than 8 sentences in length in response to what I wrote him? Is it so wrong to conclude that if someone was serious about wanting you in their life, they would at least send one more message regardless of whether I had replied to their first or not? Is it possible to be wrong about something like this? He sent his one reply. And since then.. silence. He's going on with life normally, scrobbling music on Last.fm (music website) like it is any other time, while I recede in his memory by the day. Again, keep in mind we have been together for over 2 years. He knows me. We have had similar discussions to this before. He knows that I would be favorably responsive if he wrote again - something that could even slightly convince one that he cared as much. I know that he knows that. But still, days pass. What do I do?
Keridan Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I don't know about lost your mind, but I do feel that you might be asking a lot for someone to send more when you didn't even get a notification that you received the first email. He might think you don't want to hear from him or be very confused. How about a quick note to him? "That was great. Got anything more to tell me?" Something to let him know he's not angering you by writing. And btw, some of us guys just suck at talking out our feelings. If that's a deal breaker for you, I warn you he might not be able to change it. If someone had pushed me to share feelings and I did what I thought was a lot (8 sentences can be tough for some) and they didn't even respond to prompt for more, I would probably assume I had done it wrong and might be scared to try more. Just my 2 cents. I hope ya figger things out! Good luck.
cerridwen Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) On December 24th, he e-mailed me that he was incredibly sorry, that he loves me deeply and .. well, just an apologetic e-mail overall. I did not reply to this e-mail to date. Why, you ask? The central thing we fought about most was how he doesn't convey his feelings into words as much as he should....So although he did send that e-mail, .. he *knows* that I would respond more favorably (or at all) if he said something else - made any more effort. If he sent just .. one other message (this is sentences we're talking about!) to show that he actually cared enough to make things work out, and not just "wait to see what happens", or something. If he himself sees no reason or purpose in writing me again -if he truly feels that he has done his part with a single e-mail and will not send another, then one can logically conclude nothing other than that he is arguably indifferent as to the outcome of our situation. Indifferent with a "If it works out, then great. If not, .. oh well, I tried"-type of attitude. That may be the acceptable mindset people have towards completing middle school geography projects, but that is not something I can tolerate, regardless of how much I love him. What do I do? You either accept how he communicates or you don't. He apologized and it STILL wasn't good enough for you. He didn't do it as "he should." Really? Give the guy a break. You're being unfair. Even as just the READER of your post, I feel nagged. So to answer your question, yes, you have lost your mind--completely. Edited January 5, 2011 by cerridwen
Author anitap87 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 "He apologized and it STILL wasn't good enough for you." One apology is sufficient for months of arguments and tension that even he admitted was his fault? I am not asking that he write f-cking novels or that he goes literally out of his way to show that he is sorry, but seriously? I fully understand that there are notable differences in the way men and women are able to communicate, but I know what he is capable of being like, because I know what he was like for the majority of the relationship. Not all men struggle with composing eight sentences - and let's keep in mind that I am not expecting nor in any way wanting some kind of Shakespearean love sonnet. "You were on my mind today.", etc. I am sorry, but I do not think that is asking for too much from a partner with whom you are in serious relationship. I have faults like anyone, yes, but I was consistently good, loving and never tired of letting him know how much he meant to me (and trust me, he didn't mind the affection or attention, etc) either by saying so or by way of small gestures. And if after months of tension and hard feelings (for he knows that it hurt me) over this one topic, he finally admits "I messed up. I'm sorry.", then.. well, then once again - sorry, but I don't think that it's so "you've lost your mind"-type of crazy to think that he could send another 5 sentences to show that he was serious about attempting to change. I may be biased, evidently, but honestly? Can you please tell me how to believe that he is genuinely sorry and wants to be more open about expressing himself when he didn't say a word since? Not even "I know you may still be angry, but I love you?" Not even a sentence to wish me a merry Christmas, or even a "happy New Year"? -- PS: @cerridwen: Watch the tone. You still a little too judgmental for someone who knows about 0.01% of the situation. But kudos on having enough strength in you to reply to this post at all, what with having felt "nagged" after you skimmed through it.
Capital P Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You sound like a dick. You blame him for every argument that you have had. You take no responsibility for any of this yourself ( it is ALWAYS 2 way ) and then you go into freak mode because someone gave you some advice. No wonder he was biting his tongue apologising. He doesnt want to break up but i doubt he wants to take the blame for everything just to make you feel better. You have clearly worn this guy out with your control methods, go find fresh meat.
cerridwen Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) "He apologized and it STILL wasn't good enough for you." One apology is sufficient for months of arguments and tension that even he admitted was his fault? I am not asking that he write f-cking novels or that he goes literally out of his way to show that he is sorry, but seriously? I fully understand that there are notable differences in the way men and women are able to communicate, but I know what he is capable of being like, because I know what he was like for the majority of the relationship. Not all men struggle with composing eight sentences - and let's keep in mind that I am not expecting nor in any way wanting some kind of Shakespearean love sonnet. "You were on my mind today.", etc. I am sorry, but I do not think that is asking for too much from a partner with whom you are in serious relationship. I have faults like anyone, yes, but I was consistently good, loving and never tired of letting him know how much he meant to me (and trust me, he didn't mind the affection or attention, etc) either by saying so or by way of small gestures. And if after months of tension and hard feelings (for he knows that it hurt me) over this one topic, he finally admits "I messed up. I'm sorry.", then.. well, then once again - sorry, but I don't think that it's so "you've lost your mind"-type of crazy to think that he could send another 5 sentences to show that he was serious about attempting to change. I may be biased, evidently, but honestly? Can you please tell me how to believe that he is genuinely sorry and wants to be more open about expressing himself when he didn't say a word since? Not even "I know you may still be angry, but I love you?" Not even a sentence to wish me a merry Christmas, or even a "happy New Year"? -- PS: @cerridwen: Watch the tone. You still a little too judgmental for someone who knows about 0.01% of the situation. But kudos on having enough strength in you to reply to this post at all, what with having felt "nagged" after you skimmed through it. Your posts illustrate your penchant for verbosity. Your poor S.O. doesn't stand a chance. I'm going to go lie down now. I'm exhausted. Good evening. Edited January 5, 2011 by cerridwen
Author anitap87 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Haha, wow. ..I'm not even going to dignify those two comments with an actual response. No worries. You might not understand what I mean now, but make no mistake - you'll understand it soon enough. To a mod: You might as well delete this topic now; I won't be back for any more charming insight from the enlightened posters this forum is so privy to have. Ciao.
NeNinja Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 That's too bad...because I know exactly where he might be coming from. My girlfriend and I were fighting on an almost daily basis (trust issues, jealousy, inability to agree on a restaraunt/vacation spot/time to wake up on Sunday, you get the point) because of school and holiday stress and some anger she'd been bottling up. We had a nice breakup where we actually agreed on a lot of things and then battled it out a few days later when I reached out looking for a reconciliation. About two weeks later I reached out to her again (Weak? A little) and got a pretty cold 'Please stop trying' shoulder. That was it for me. I was ready to respect what she wants and wish her all the best. Talking to her once in three weeks gave me a lot of clarity and showed me a lot about the problems in the relationship and their causes. Some of them were my fault...some of them weren't. In short, I took her off the pedestal. THIS is where my situation starts to apply to you. A few days after that last rejection a friend of ours gave me the 'You didn't hear this from me call.' Even though the only reason he probably knew what he knew was that he would run and tell me. According to his girlfriend (her friend) she was 'testing' me to see how badly I wanted to get back into this relationship, to see how much I loved her, to see how much I was willing to suffer through to be with her, to give me a chance to demonstrate how serious I was... He gave me the whole third times a charm, just give it one last shot, if you don't try you'll never know speech. Very motivational. I told him thanks for the heads up, hung up the phone, and then...watched How I Met Your Mother. I absolutely adore this girl. She's smart. She's funny. She let me read comic books in bed and watch cartoons while we cuddled on Saturday. The She dumped me. I made one attempt to 'win' her back. I broke no contact one more time than I should have after that. I'm not putting myself out there again for her amusement. She's not a law school. I shouldnt have to take a test to get in and your ex-boyfriend shouldn't have to write an essay. If you want him, tell him. If you want something from him, tell him. He put himself out there and you left him hanging. You asked for space and now he's giving it to you. If you want him back, you need to tell him. If you want to work on things, you need to do it before its too late.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Yep, stubborn both ways just about sums this one up. Healthy partners are perfectly able and willing to shoulder the vulnerability and make the first move to unravel the stubborn walls to such standoffs. Eventually both sides are willing and capable of doing same, and then the stubborn impasses magically go away.
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