Doubts about whether I am "the one"

[runforafall]

My GF of 3 years broke up with me less than a week ago citing continuing doubts as to whether I was “the one”. Needless to say I was and am absolutely gutted, as even though I don’t really believe in “the one”, I did think there was an excellent chance for a long and happy future with her.

 

Last summer she raised some issues that were making her unhappy with our relationship, namely: that I didn’t make her feel young and attractive anymore (my fault – I rarely even looked at her like I wanted her physically, and was rarely in the mood for sex), that I wouldn’t leave her alone when she asked for space after an argument (I’m the sort to deal with issues then and there), and that when we communicated e.g. at dinner, out socially or on vacation our communication was rarely more than “functional stuff” i.e. not romantic or meaningful.

 

 

I stupidly failed to more than superficially and wholly inadequately address these issues and in December she told me her doubts were continuing and that she wanted some time to think. She set a timespan of a week during which we remained in contact, though substantially less so than normal, after which (with encouragement from me) she decided that we should stay together and see how things go. Generally I thought I was starting to address the issues she had mentioned over summer and things were on the whole OK, but we had a massive argument on a night away somewhere three or four weeks later (over something pretty minor) and after she had driven me home (we had “made up” by the point) she told me her doubts remained and that she felt she had no choice but to break things off. When I asked her to detail her reasons she said that:

 

 

-Her head was a complete and utter mess and that although I made her happy “often” she was generally unhappy in life. She said she was considering going to see a counsellor.

 

 

-She wasn’t sure if she was just being fussy and her general indecisive self or if we are just not compatible enough

 

 

-That it was not in either of our best interests to stay together whilst these recurring doubts as to whether I was “the one” kept surfacing

 

 

-That she genuinely isn’t sure what she wants anymore, or if there is a possibility of reconciliation in future (she’s a good and honest soul, definitely not the sort to lead me on with false hope). I quizzed her on a separate occasion whether her goal was to have some space with the ultimate aim of making us work, or if she wanted to try and move on permanently. Again, she said she genuinely didn’t know but that she wasn’t trying to just let me down softly.

 

 

When I raised the relationship issues she completely downplayed them, made excuses for them, and even went as far to even deny their existence. Why would she do that? It’s almost like she is trying to shift the blame from me to her. Anyway, she has seemed to be happy enough staying in daily contact on IM/phone since even though she told me it causes her to cry her heart out everytime we speak about the big stuff. She told me she feels she deserves to be punished for not realising how good she had it with me and with the rest of her life (even though I know it isn’t as good for her as she was making out) and that she feels like a horrible person. What’s that all about?

 

 

Yesterday I decided enough was enough and sent her an email stating that I thought it would be in both our interests to cool contact right down to just SMS, and that I’d leave the ball in her court for now. I also said that if she had a change of heart I’d love for her to tell me so we could see what happened, but that I was going to try and get on with my life and couldn’t guarantee a favourable response at whatever time that happened. She didn’t reply and she hasn't been in contact since.

 

How do I play it now? For some reason I have a little plan in my head whereby after a couple of months of low contact and after giving her a chance to really miss me I’ll suggest meeting up to walk her dog with her and maybe see what way things are ultimately heading, hopefully leading to reconciliation. Am I being too optimistic? I want her back so desperately.

Edited January 4, 2011 by runforafall

[AriaIncognito]

First of all, I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks, there's no 2 ways about it. What I'm going to say you probably won't love, but, you asked for advice/thoughts.

 

If your now ex is telling you that she's not sure that you're it for her, BELIEVE HER. There is no convincing here, after all, why should you convince her? You are worthy of the relationship that you want, where it goes both ways, so why settle for someone who might or might not think you're it?

 

All I can say is, if she's telling you she's not sure, she probably isn't. Only she will be able to determine if you are or not, but you should do your best to try to move on despite what she's doing. Maybe she'll come back, and if she's lucky, you'll still be happily single. Maybe she'll never come back and you'll be happily single. Maybe she'll come back and you'll be blissfully taken, who knows.

 

You need to do what's best for your life now, and let yourself move forward. As they say, if it's meant to be, it will be, so try to have faith and try to keep yourself happy with other things to distract you. Maybe try to meet some new people, you just never know.

 

It sounds like she's being very honest with you, which is awesome, however she's also saying she really doesn't know, so I'd say that means you should move on.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you find your happiness.

[homebrew]

1. You need to go read some books about keeping romance in a relationship. Note: That is the guys job... not the womens. Once you "get" them... you are still to pursue them.

 

2. Go No Contact... Knock off all communication.

 

3. If she isn't "healthy" yet and is still looking for something / someone to make her happy... You should run!

 

4. Read the following threads and come back here and ask any questions that you still might have:

 

Dumped? These Are The Two Biggest Mistakes You Will Make!

No Contact for Dummies (THIS IS A MUST READ FOR EVERYONE!!!!)

The Definitive Guide If You Were Dumped (Pocket Edition

Dumped? (I suggest you open me up and have a look)

Do You Remember The First Time You Saw Them?

For Me

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome - EXPLAINED!!!!! (PLEASE READ IF YOU GOT DUMPED!)

[runforafall]

Thanks for the replies; I appreciate it.

 

 

Homebrew – I have read your threads with some interest. I know that there are plenty of other women out there who could make potentially make me happy, maybe as happy as she did. The trouble is that I don’t want anyone else, I want her. I know it is partly my responsibility to keep things romantic and interesting and to make her feel young and attractive, and whilst I did make a fair few romantic gestures during our time together (e.g. making her a little photo album/scrapbook for Christmas of our 3 years together), I failed to do so in the way she really wanted. I failed to make her feel physically attractive, and I failed to make her feel like I really desired her in any way other than companionship. I recognise how important these issues are now, even though she spelled them out to me over 6 months ago and I did nothing about them then. I know I could have made her feel like I was “the one” if I had just tried.

 

 

I sent her a message the other day saying we should completely cool contact, that I recognise my failings, and that I’d really love for the door to remain open even though I couldn’t guarantee I would be able to reciprocate her feelings if/when she had a change of heart.

 

 

She replied:

 

 

I won't write too much, partly because I am not as eloquent as you and also because I don't want to encourage a conversation when we are trying to have less contact. But I just want to thank you for your message and say how I respect you for it. I agree with everything you say (except perhaps your use of the words 'failings' and 'deficiencies'). Like you, I do think less contact is best, but also want to be here for you. I too would like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing so much to my life.

 

Of course I don't hate you, and completely understand. However, do know that I won’t ever be angry if you do contact me and I do hope that we can remain on friendly terms in the long run.

 

Friendly terms? That was like a knife in the gut. How can she “completely agree” with everything I say (which must inc. that the door should remain open) but talk about being “friendly in the long run”? That doesn’t sound conducive to leaving the door open for possible reconciliation, does it?

[homebrew]

Friendly terms? That was like a knife in the gut. How can she “completely agree” with everything I say (which must inc. that the door should remain open) but talk about being “friendly in the long run”? That doesn’t sound conducive to leaving the door open for possible reconciliation, does it?

 

What your gut is telling you is correct!

 

Right now, she is done and sees you only as a friend.

 

That is why I would go complete No Contact...

 

You will never get her to develop romantic feelings for you if you are her friend.

[runforafall]

What your gut is telling you is correct!

 

Right now, she is done and sees you only as a friend.

 

That is why I would go complete No Contact...

 

You will never get her to develop romantic feelings for you if you are her friend.

 

With respect, I don't think she does see me as a friend. I have always told her that I will never be just a friend to her, it's either the full she-bang or nothing. Throughout the breakup (just days ago) she was constantly saying that her heart told her she was making a big mistake but that she just couldn't ignore her head and her doubts, and that her doubts were not fair on me or her. If she sees me as only a friend why would she not just say "I'm sorry, I love you, but we are over for good"? I believe when she said she was confused and unsure, and that she genuinely didn't know whether there was chance of reconciliation. If she saw me as only a friend surely she wouldn't even entertain that possibility. I know she wouldn't just string me along if she knew it was over for good.

 

Anyway, I can't just go to NC as she asked me to let her know if I felt it necessary to defriend her on FB so she could download some photos from my profile. So some future contact is almost certain.

[homebrew]

You are right... What am I thinking?

 

Chicks cannot resist a guy that is willing to be their own personal doormat... It's even sexier if it is done by a guy that they just dumped!

 

It's very manly, it is something they admire, it is honorable and noble to not have enough self-respect or dignity to walk away, they love it that you volunteer to be their Plan B or their safety net, they love it that you willing to be with them even though they do not want to be with you, every guy gets the girl back when he is her friend after being dumped, being "friendzoned" is so much better than being a BF, when a girl thinks she has found the "one"... they always dump them and tell them that they want very limited contact and hope to remain on friendly terms in the long run, the fact that she is going to date other guys... shouldn't bother you... like you said... she really wants you, no women wants what they can't have, etc.

 

Keep up the great work! You are well on your way to getting her to fall back in love with you... shouldn't be much longer now!

 

You said:

With respect, I don't think she does see me as a friend. I have always told her that I will never be just a friend to her, it's either the full she-bang or nothing.

 

Way to go Bro... You sure told her!!!! I love that you are backing it all up by GIVING HER A LOT MORE THAN NOTHING!

 

She said:

Like you, I do think less contact is best, but also want to be here for you. I too would like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing so much to my life. However, do know that I won’t ever be angry if you do contact me and I do hope that we can remain on friendly terms in the long run.

 

One of you is not being honest with themselves... I wonder which one it is?

Edited January 5, 2011 by homebrew

[runforafall]

You are right... What am I thinking?

 

Chicks cannot resist a guy that is willing to be their own personal doormat... It's even sexier if it is done by a guy that they just dumped!

 

It's very manly, it is something they admire, it is honorable and noble to not have enough self-respect or dignity to walk away, they love it that you volunteer to be their Plan B or their safety net, they love it that you willing to be with them even though they do not want to be with you, every guy gets the girl back when he is her friend after being dumped, being "friendzoned" is so much better than being a BF, when a girl thinks she has found the "one"... they always dump them and tell them that they want very limited contact and hope to remain on friendly terms in the long run, the fact that she is going to date other guys... shouldn't bother you... like you said... she really wants you, no women wants what they can't have, etc.

 

Keep up the great work! You are well on your way to getting her to fall back in love with you... shouldn't be much longer now!

 

You said:

With respect, I don't think she does see me as a friend. I have always told her that I will never be just a friend to her, it's either the full she-bang or nothing.

 

She said:

Like you, I do think less contact is best, but also want to be here for you. I too would like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing so much to my life. However, do know that I won’t ever be angry if you do contact me and I do hope that we can remain on friendly terms in the long run.

 

One of you is not being honest with themselves... I wonder which one it is?

 

Homebrew, I appreciate your input, I really do, and I admire your straight to the point no bs approach.

 

But surely general advice does not apply to every situation, does it? Surely there are exceptions? Surely there isn't one fixed rule that will dictate how all people act and feel at all points in future?

 

The quote you made from her is pretty much exactly what I said to her in my "final" email, almost word for word, a mirror image, apart from the friendly terms bit. Ditto the general tone - polite, not overly emotional, thankful for past times, and accepting. Could saying she wants to remain on "friendly terms" in future just not mean that she doesn't want there to be bitterness, anger or negativity between us? If so, that's ok, that's what I want too. Does that necessarily mean she thinks things are over for good, despite previously stating several times she didn't know and was confused?

 

I do not intend to be friendzoned and I have always made it perfectly clear that I am not just going to hang around waiting for her as her Plan B. I will never be just her friend. She knows that.

[homebrew]

I do not intend to be friendzoned and I have always made it perfectly clear that I am not just going to hang around waiting for her as her Plan B. I will never be just her friend. She knows that.

 

Then why don't you DO EXACTLY what you just said above!

 

You are doing a lot of talking and not following through with your actions... If you continue, your EX is going to lose all respect she has for you, turn mean and her opinion of you is going to change... for the worse!

 

Dude... She let you down gently... Right now, you do not "do it" for her. She is not interested in you romantically!

 

Being her friend is not going to change things... It will make it worse. Not to mention, it will be worse than the he!! you are going through now.

 

Go read the threads I posted above again... In fact, read the one I just posted today Here

[runforafall]

Then why don't you DO EXACTLY what

You are doing a lot of talking and not following through with your actions... If you continue, your EX is going to lose all respect she has for you, turn mean and her opinion of you is going to change... for the worse!

 

I am following through with my actions, I stated in my email that for now it would be best to cool contact (which was multiple times daily before), that I'd leave the ball in her court, and I have. Since then I haven't contacted her once, and don't plan on doing so either.

 

Dude... She let you down gently...

Then why specifically say "I promise I am not just trying to let you down gently when I say I am not sure if we can be reconciled in future or not" Like I said, she's honest, she wouldn't lie about something as significant as that.

 

Right now, you do not "do it" for her. She is not interested in you romantically

 

But I can "do it" for her romantically in future, right? I obviously did sufficiently once and I know I still did, though not often enough to make her feel the way she wanted to towards the end. I can see exactly how I neglected her romantically in recent times, and I know exactly how I would prevent that happening in future if given another opportunity.

 

If I do decide to go completely NC, which is one thing I am starting to see may be for the best in terms of my own sanity, how do I deal with the fact she specifically asked me to let her know if I decided to defriend her on FB when I said I might so she could get some pictures. Wouldn't not giving her that notice signify that I don't give a rat's ass about someone I claim to love, after I said I would give her notice? Wouldn't giving her that notice be going against my claim that the "contact" ball was in her court?

Edited January 5, 2011 by runforafall

[TaraMaiden]

sent her a message the other day saying we should completely cool contact, that I recognise my failings, and that I’d really love for the door to remain open even though I couldn’t guarantee I would be able to reciprocate her feelings if/when she had a change of heart.

This is a huge red flag, right here.

You're basically telling her that if she comes back, it will be the same-old same old....

You cited some very self-incriminating reasons for why you guys broke up. You even admitted you ignored signs, and that your behaviour was questionable. Now you're telling her "This is who I am, and I may or may not be able to step up to the plate."

 

So can you honestly blame her if she's running a mile,and keeps on running?

 

A relationship is a two-way street. It takes 100% Effort, dedication and commitment, 100% of the time, to keep it turning over nicely.

 

A man has to work to be the kind of guy a woman needs, and nourish her requirements, just as she would need to do for you.

 

If you two guys can't reach a happy and mutually-acceptable compromise (and it sounds pretty much ass if that';s an over and done with scenario0 then yup - you go No Contact, delete all records, files, numbers and contact details and head of 'walkabout' on your own, for a good think and review of the whole deal. And see what you can do, to do better next time.

[runforafall]

This is a huge red flag, right here.

You're basically telling her that if she comes back, it will be the same-old same old....

 

You cited some very self-incriminating reasons for why you guys broke up. You even admitted you ignored signs, and that your behaviour was questionable. Now you're telling her "This is who I am, and I may or may not be able to step up to the plate."

 

I think you misconstrue the statement I made which was i.e. that if she changed her mind that I would not be able to guarantee whether or not I would be in a position where I wanted to get back together with her, but that right now I would not like to say "it's definitely over for good"

 

I am aware of my failings, and I have never once suggested that I am unsure whether I would be able to step up to the plate second time round. I know I would be able to.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh right. Ok.

Thanks for that.

Things aren't always 100% clear on a written forum.

[londoncalling]

With respect, I don't think she does see me as a friend. I have always told her that I will never be just a friend to her, it's either the full she-bang or nothing. Throughout the breakup (just days ago) she was constantly saying that her heart told her she was making a big mistake but that she just couldn't ignore her head and her doubts, and that her doubts were not fair on me or her. If she sees me as only a friend why would she not just say "I'm sorry, I love you, but we are over for good"? I believe when she said she was confused and unsure, and that she genuinely didn't know whether there was chance of reconciliation. If she saw me as only a friend surely she wouldn't even entertain that possibility. I know she wouldn't just string me along if she knew it was over for good.

 

Anyway, I can't just go to NC as she asked me to let her know if I felt it necessary to defriend her on FB so she could download some photos from my profile. So some future contact is almost certain.

 

Hey man, I signed up just to reply to you because I've heard those exact words myself.

 

The best advice I can give you is to listen to what she's telling you. She says she's confused and unsure - she probably is. She wants space - give her it. She doesn't know if there's any chance of reconciliation - believe this. She isn't leading you on with empty promises, and she isn't ruling it out either. But the only way she can figure out her own mind is if she has space to do so.

 

The worst thing you could do right now is to stay in contact with her. It's painful for you, and it isn't going to help her figure things out. Personally I wouldn't initiate contact with her again. She'll get in touch when she's ready. When she does, you just need to figure out what she wants. Believe me when I say if she wants to reconcile, you'll know it. She'll make it very clear.

[runforafall]

Hey man, I signed up just to reply to you because I've heard those exact words myself.

 

The best advice I can give you is to listen to what she's telling you. She says she's confused and unsure - she probably is. She wants space - give her it. She doesn't know if there's any chance of reconciliation - believe this. She isn't leading you on with empty promises, and she isn't ruling it out either. But the only way she can figure out her own mind is if she has space to do so.

 

The worst thing you could do right now is to stay in contact with her. It's painful for you, and it isn't going to help her figure things out. Personally I wouldn't initiate contact with her again. She'll get in touch when she's ready. When she does, you just need to figure out what she wants. Believe me when I say if she wants to reconcile, you'll know it. She'll make it very clear.

 

Oh man.

 

I wish I had read this 30 mins ago.

 

I saw her on FB chat and gave in, primarily to let her know I needed to go completely NC (as opposed to previously agreed LC) and give her the notice she asked for to download some pictures so FB so I could defriend her and let my healing process properly commence.

 

She told me she was finding things hard, and I made all the wrong moves and started pleading for another chance.

 

I asked about her comment about wanting to be friendly in future and whether that ruled out reconciliation and she said:

 

well, no to all intents and purposes we have to view it as closed, otherwise we will not be split up.

But that doesnt mean I have ruled us out in the future

 

I asked whether she was 100% sure she didn't want to properly work at stuff and she said:

we did work at stuff, 6 months ago, and then again a few weeks ago

 

I told her I didn't properly try before and that I just took her for granted and ignored all the issues she raised last summer and more recently because I subconciously assumed as she had stuck around for 3 years (6x longer than anyone previously in my life - so the whole long term thing is very much new to me) she wasn't just going to up and leave and she said:

 

Well you had plenty of opportunity! If it didnt come naturally then maybe I wasnt right for you.

I want to do what is best for you. But also this is the hardest thing Ive done in my life and have to protect myself a little.

 

But she also went on to say this:

 

do you honestly feel like you didnt make an effort to improve things?

Just so I know realistically how different things might be. As at the moment Im assuming that things would be the same.

I went on to list why we should get back together and she said:

 

please leave it now.

I hear you, and I will think about things thoroughly.

But I dont want you to hang around in any way. We have to heal seperately.

 

I told her that I wasn't going to just hang around waiting, that I needed to go completely NC to let the healing process begin, that she should only contact me if she felt like she wanted to give me the opportunity to properly address the issues and try again, and that if I was ever ready for friendship I would reach out to her, though I doubt at this point I ever will be.

 

We then said goodbye both putting a kiss at the end.

 

I know I majorly screwed up tonight and probably pushed her away more in the short term, but am I clutching at straws in thinking my odds may have improved in the long term, assuming I stick to NC, as she obviously didn't know I genuinely feel like I didn't make nearly enough effort to address the issues in our relationship? Have I now planted the seed in her head that actually things could be different, could be better, and didn't necessarily have to be the same in future?

 

I'll be gutted if I have just added another nail to the coffin, but at least the healing process can now properly begin, I just hope it doesn't take as long as I fear it will.

Edited January 5, 2011 by runforafall

[homebrew]

I know I majorly screwed up tonight and probably pushed her away more in the short term, but am I clutching at straws in thinking my odds may have improved in the long term, assuming I stick to NC, as she obviously didn't know I genuinely feel like I didn't make nearly enough effort to address the issues in our relationship? Have I now planted the seed in her head that actually things could be different, could be better, and didn't necessarily have to be the same in future?

 

Dude... You ask for advice and you ignore it.

 

Do want to give yourself the best possible chance to get her back? NO!

 

Are you making things worse for yourself? YES!

 

Are you going to stop making things worse for yourself? NO!

 

Is she about to get really mean and nasty? YES!

 

Did she tell you the leave her the he!! alone? YES!

 

Why are you making it worse for yourself? I wish I knew!

 

Does she need to DRAW YOU A MAP? PROVE IT THAT SHE MEANS WHAT SHE SAYS? SEND UP A SMOKE SIGNAL? SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND? HAVE IT WRITTEN ON A BILLBOARD? TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PARENTS? HAVE A LEGAL DOCUMENT DRAWN UP?

 

Whatever she needs to do for you to believe her... figure that out and ask her then to do it. Maybe then you will believe what she has been telling you and the rest of us here on LS.

Edited January 5, 2011 by homebrew

[runforafall]

Dude... You ask for advice and you ignore it.

 

Do want to give yourself the best possible chance to get her back? NO!

 

Are you making things worse for yourself? YES!

 

Are you going to stop making things worse for yourself? NO!

 

Why are you making it worse for yourself? I wish I knew!

 

Does she need to DRAW YOU A MAP? PROVE IT THAT SHE MEANS WHAT SHE SAYS? SEND UP A SMOKE SIGNAL? SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND? HAVE IT WRITTEN ON A BILLBOARD? TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PARENTS? HAVE A LEGAL DOCUMENT DRAWN UP?

 

Whatever she needs to do for you to believe her... figure that out and ask her then to do it. Maybe then you will believe what she has been telling you and the rest of us here on LS.

 

I felt like she would resent me if I didn't warn her I was defriending her so she could get those photos. I really didn't mean for us to start talking about "it".

 

Is it not positive though that before she assumed things would be exactly the same if we got back together (a big reason not to head towards reconcilliation) and now she knows I didn't properly try before so things could be different and better if we got back together after we spent some time apart (a good reason to head towards reconcilliation).

 

I know now that I need to be NC, to give her time to "thoroughly" think, and for both of use to heal, and I will remain committed to doing so unless I hear from her again wanting to give things another shot.

Edited January 5, 2011 by runforafall

[homebrew]

I know now that I need to be NC, and I will remain committed to doing so unless I hear from her again wanting to give things another shot.

 

This is wonderful news!

 

You didn't ruin any chance you might in the future... She is a good girl and knows you are a great guy. She knows that break ups are hard... So she will forget all the questions you have been bugging her about in the near future.

 

Leave her alone, respect her wishes and let's see what the future holds!

[londoncalling]

I felt like she would resent me if I didn't warn her I was defriending her so she could get those photos. I really didn't mean for us to start talking about "it".

 

Is it not positive though that before she assumed things would be exactly the same if we got back together (a big reason not to head towards reconcilliation) and now she knows I didn't properly try before so things could be different and better if we got back together after we spent some time apart (a good reason to head towards reconcilliation).

 

I know now that I need to be NC, to give her time to "thoroughly" think, and for both of use to heal, and I will remain committed to doing so unless I hear from her again wanting to give things another shot.

 

I don't think you did terrible. You're right to look at the positives. You initiated NC in a mature manner and also told her how you feel one last time. Now STICK TO NC! The moment you break it is the moment she loses respect for you. You've said you need space too, use it wisely .

 

As HB says, she knows you're a great guy - and maybe, just maybe, once she figures out what she wants you might be in with a shot. Time heals all wounds. As time passes, she will forget all the arguments and problems in the relationship and start to remember the good times. It's human nature to do this!

 

But - and this is a big but! - don't count on anything. Think of NC as a two-fold method: two things can happen. 1. It gives her space and she realises what she's missing and can't bear to live without you anymore; or 2. It gives you space to heal from the hurt you're feeling right now, and you eventually meet someone else who's even better suited to you.

 

Either is a success, right? And for either to happen, you follow the same method. It's a real beauty of a solution .

 

This is still so fresh for you and it will take you time to get over it. Bear in mind that the greatest chance for a successful reconciliation is when both parties have healed completely and can approach a second chance as a completely new relationship with none of the baggage from the first time round.

 

If she contacts you (and she probably will at some point!) keep it light-hearted and don't get bogged down by 'relationship' chat. Keep it brief - remember you're a busy guy and have other things to fill your time now. Let her do the talking, don't ask her personal questions and don't get too personal if she asks you any questions. "Good thanks" is a perfectly acceptable answer to how are you?

[Graceful]

RFAF,

 

I see this as an open and closed case.

 

You have stated quite clearly that your ex has been telling you since last summer that she is unhappy in the r/l and with you, and she wanted out.

 

Last summer she raised some issues that were making her unhappy with our relationship, namely: that I didn’t make her feel young and attractive anymore (my fault – I rarely even looked at her like I wanted her physically, and was rarely in the mood for sex), that I wouldn’t leave her alone when she asked for space after an argument (I’m the sort to deal with issues then and there), and that when we communicated e.g. at dinner, out socially or on vacation our communication was rarely more than “functional stuff” i.e. not romantic or meaningful.

I mean, dude, even you're admitting that you were less than a fantastic BF.

 

I stupidly failed to more than superficially and wholly inadequately address these issues and in December she told me her doubts were continuing and that she wanted some time to think.

But this has really been going on for 6 months, since last summer. Nothing new.

 

Yesterday I decided enough was enough and sent her an email stating that I thought it would be in both our interests to cool contact right down to just SMS, and that I’d leave the ball in her court for now. I also said that if she had a change of heart I’d love for her to tell me so we could see what happened, but that I was going to try and get on with my life and couldn’t guarantee a favourable response at whatever time that happened. She didn’t reply and she hasn't been in contact since.

I really think you are beating a dead horse here.

 

How do I play it now? For some reason I have a little plan in my head whereby after a couple of months of low contact and after giving her a chance to really miss me ....

There is only one plan for you. Work on your issues. You treated her poorly, you know that, and you should never treat someone you love like that again. Figure out why you did that, improve on yourself, and leave her alone.