jackblack2250 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Hello all. I am experiencing a complex issue that has reached a critical point and will try to explain simply. Ive come here because Ive read other posts and seen the non-critical nature in which responses are made. i really appreciate that. I ama married male married to an attractive female. On the surface we have the perfect marraige, successful careers, great house, loving parents and family etc.... However, By my inactions in the romance dept (and not making my wife feel sexy/attractive) our relatioship is under strain as it sends a message to her that i do not find her attractive.. This problem has been brewing for years.. we have been married for 4 yrs yet together for about 10. (we are both <40) I love my W and evrything about her and find her attractive, however have never really expressed it and was never really the romantic typealthough she craves it. Backstory: 1) I have been unfaithful once prior to marraige and she discovered it. and we have sense reconciled and married. 2) there has been an internet porn issue on my part in the past during the relationship that she discovered as well. For some reason, even tho i love her and am attracted, i feel tremendous guilt and anxiety on occasion when it comes to sex initiated by her because I know that the above 2 issues have hurt her and made her feel as if I was not attracted to her. Thus, if she initiates it the anxiety runs thru my head to the effect of "i hope i perform well and can keep it up...because if i dont, its just further proof to her that i am not attracted to her.."..i know it sounds weird.. this anxiety on occasion i feel has prevented me from being romantic and spontaneous.. (thus starving her of the things she craves...) any ideas or advice?
Negative Nancy Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You should set her free and let her find a husband who REALLY loves, adores and cherishes her and does not need to resort to porn or cheats on her.
Author jackblack2250 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks for reply. I just wanted to clarify that The infidelity and porn incident occurred about 6 yrs ago. And I really do care for and love her and always have.
ShatteredReality Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Are you still doing any of the things that hurt her? I know that Porn can be an addiction for men and sometimes it's harder to give up than simply "quitting". If you're still looking at it that will give you more reason for the guilt. Otherwise...you need to stop and breathe...start easy. When you're on the couch together, look at her...honestly...and tell her how pretty she is. Or watch her from across the room and if she notices you looking tell her she's beautiful and you're just admiring her. These aren't exactly bedroom tactics, but they are sometimes more fullfilling than sex. When it comes to the intimacy stuff - communication is key here. It's difficult, but you should express your anxiety and frustration to her. Tell her you get nervous about doing everything right and it is interfering right now. Again, breathing can not be over rated...Also - open communication about what you're doing right or wrong will help. Try something, ask if she likes it...tell her to tell you if you need to try something different. You may have to have a few awkward or not great lovemaking experiences together to get back to the good ones...it's like you're learning about her all over again...at least that's how it sounds. Basically...date her again...court her...do what you did to get her to fall in love with you 10 yrs ago. If you don't remember those things or feel those "old moves" have gone stale...try something new...take her out for dinner at her favorite restaurant, or rent some movies, make some popcorn, stay in with a fire burning or on the couch together with blankets and you rub her feet or she leans on you and you caress her hair...make a concerted effort to be the one who initiates things. Also - Kava root is a natural herb I have learned to take when I have high anxiety. I don't like the side effects of the pills the drs try to give and Kava works just as well...takes about 20 min to take effect...I've heard it's not too to take if you're drinking though - can damage the liver if you drink a lot and then take it....but just saying, you could try it beforehand and it might help calm your nerves enough to go in with your head high instead of ladden down with anxiety about what you're going to do and will she enjoy it. Basically if you give her attention...she's going to enjoy it more than if you neglect her. And we can tell when our men are trying to do right by us...it's endearing.
ShatteredReality Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You should set her free and let her find a husband who REALLY loves, adores and cherishes her and does not need to resort to porn or cheats on her. He isn't here to talk about either of those past issues. It seems he's here because he still feels guilt over them. You really shouldn't judge him - instead look at his problem and see if you have advice...otherwise take your jaded comments elsewhere cause that was just mean.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You titled your thread "Intimacy problems...". Well, intimacy is not sex, it's honesty, closeness, trust, disclosure, faith in each other. I don't see here that you are communicating with her all that much. She's the only one who can give you answers that will matter. Is it that you really fear hearing her say what you suspect? You have to face the reality of what and how she feels and not impose upon yourself how you think she feels or what you think she thinks. If everything you say is true about what you did, there is not so much there that a couple can't work that out. But they can't if the aren't "intimate"--as in facing the truth with each other and trying to be better at precisely what each person wants. This "assuming" is not gonna get it done.
Jack & Coke Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 try http://www.lickbylick.com/. Costs $37 comes with 5 ebooks. 101 romantic ideas, lick by lick which will explain a few things about women and 3 other books. I recommend it I also have some e-books I can point you in the direction of if you're interested that seem to fit your predicament. PM if interested.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 jackblack, I'm going to give you a piece of advice. I would strongly suggest you do the following: Travel back to those times when you were unfaithful, and when you looked at porn, and undo the infidelity, and now go forward a bit, and undo the looking at porn incidents.... This way, they won't bother you any more, because you've just undone them. Oh, hang on.... you can't, huh? Well, I guess the only remedy you can implement is to stop carrying them around!! You see, the problem is, if you continue to use them as a prop, shield, excuse, reason, validation, (whatever) for current behaviour, they will never stay where they are from. In the Past. What you're effectively saying is, my sexual connection to my wife is in tatters, but I can't help it, it's due to *this* and *that*. so effectively, what you are doing, is laying the responsibility for the Current problem onto something outside of yourself, and hiding behind it. but the problem is, you have also indicated there are other factors which play into this: namely - ...."my inactions in the romance dept (and not making my wife feel sexy/attractive) our relatioship is under strain as it sends a message to her that i do not find her attractive.." and ...."this anxiety on occasion i feel has prevented me from being romantic and spontaneous.." Your approach to your wife is found wanting. You admit you are not romantic, and that you don't say/do enough to make her feel sexy and attractive, and that you are not romantic and spontaneous. These conditions have nothing whatsoever to do with your past indiscretions, they have everything to do with your current apathy and lack of effort. To say that the past is causing you anxiety, is inaccurate. What is happening is that you are using the past to entrench your reluctance and hesitancy. You must put the past to bed, and stop leaning on it. Once you realise that the past is not WHO YOU ARE NOW - matters should improbve. I will add that, if we knew more about your wife, her thoughts, attitude, behaviour towards you, further comment with regard to her input might be appropriate. However, as we do not have any kind of information, and she herself has not commented or posted, I personally can only address the situation you have presented here. All I will say is that a relationship is made up of two people, both exercising EQUAL effort and commitment. You can't 'Fix' this on your own. What do you propose to do, then?
fltc Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You can't 'Fix' this on your own. I agree completely with TaraMaiden's statement above and I suggest you enlist some additional help, coming here was a good first step, next, consider counseling with your wife or, if she won't, by yourself. If I read your post(s) correctly you may have more issues than you're aware of, get help please!
Spark1111 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 jackblack.....HOW do you show your wife you love her? What exactly do you do to make her feel loved and cherished by you?
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