Sex without any passion - desire for open relationship

January 4, 2011

Hello Everyone!

First off, I hope everyone is doing well and had a great New Years! Mine was a blast and I had a great time with friends and my girlfriend.

So, a quick intro and about me:

I'm 26, Male, and the best way I can describe myself is "passionate". I enjoy going to dance, listening to music (music that you can dance to), I like driving cars fast, jumping out of airplanes, running, basically things like that. I get bored fairly easily though

Which leads me to where I am right now.

I've been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and I love the girl I am with. She's a great girlfriend, and I have no real issues with our relationship (other than sex - which I'll get to in a second). We have a dog and an apartment together, and overall things are nice. We go to parties, take the dog to the park, cook, etc. It's a stable and loving relationship. The sad thing is, I'm not really getting what I need out of it, and I feel there's a few reasons for this. But in essence it comes down to sex and passion. I'm not interested in just "getting off" but actually enjoying my time and really getting into the whole, for lack of a better word, production of having sex. I enjoy music, candles, and the feeling of both partners wanting to rip the others clothes off.

However...

My girlfriend is not this person, and never really has been. However, when we first started dating I didn't notice it as much, she was much more into sex, but it didn't take very long to realize she wasn't a leader and didn't really care that much. But sex was good overall and so I didn't think much of it. However, two years later it's basically gone stale and I don't really enjoy it very much. I feel like we have sex just to get off, and if that's all it is, then I'd rather just do my own thing. She doesn't seem to have any desire to be with me other than maybe once or so a month, and there's just not much feeling behind it. With that said, I am not blaming her - but we are two different people and those differences are starting to really show. It's glaring enough that I would consider leaving her if we didn't resolve it, I'm too young to give up on this part of my life.

Anyways, I also thing that my work going slow isn't helping (the past month I've sat at home doing nothing with work being virtually dead) and so that puts added stress on our relationship. However, I really started to notice our differences sexually between 6 months and a year into our relationship - basically when that "Giddy in love" feeling was gone, and people's true nature comes out.

Which leads me to being interested in still being with her - which is what I want - but also getting what I need and desire somewhere else. I want to stay committed to my girlfriend, but I've come to the realization that we may never see eye to eye on sex, and that is fine if I can still enjoy the part of life I want to enjoy.

I guess I'm looking for help here, what to look for, people's experiences, etc. I've started reading Opening Up which is a good read. But I also wanted to have open discussion with people.

Again, thanks and hello!

January 4, 2011

Ever wonder if you're an adrenaline junkie?

Even if you found someone more matching in sexual style to yourself, it isn't going to make the rest of the relationship go well and it will still likely go through a cooling stage eventually. If you're also an adrenaline junkie, beginning new sexual relationships while remaining in an old one will have you gravitating to the new person, neglecting the old one, and still growing bored with both eventually. Where will it stop?

I'd work on why you need the rush to remain satisfied before pinning it all on needing to be polyamourous. Nothing I've ever seen about it indicates becoming poly will fix issues already present. If anything, it creates issues where there were none. At best it seems successful only with people who are already stable and satisfied in what they already have but interested in a less restricting set of boundaries concerning intimacy and other people.

January 4, 2011

Well, first and foremost: what does your girlfriend have to say about your feelings about your sex life with her, and your thoughts about opening your relationship?

Have you asked her whether she is completely sexually fulfilled within your relationship?

Have you discussed, and explored different ways that you can both find sexual fulfillment within your relationship?

Does she want to seek sexual fulfillment with people other than yourself?

January 4, 2011

What you want is called "having your cake and eating it too". You should find a partner who's more in tune with what you want and set the poor girl free.

Do not pester her with the idea of an open relationship, that will traumatize her for life. Or maybe she's up for it and will be relieved, maybe she doesn't want sex that often cos you're not good at it?

January 4, 2011

sally4sara: I'm sure I'm an adrenaline junkie. I love the feeling of going fast - but it's also somewhat controlled, I don't do stupid things, IE skydiving really isn't that dangerous, it's actually more dangerous to drive on the highway. Also, when I drive fast it's on a track or on a road that's not full of cars and I don't push my car to the limit. So I guess yes I am to answer your question

You make a good point of where will it stop. But I guess I'm not looking for a long term sexual partner (nor am I looking to just sleep with whoever, but a fair length committed sexual relationship is more what I mean). It's tough because I am satisfied with our relationship in everything but sex. She's not restrictive, she lets me go out and dance (which she hates doing) and hang out with friends, and she's always been there when I needed her.

Nancy: The girl already knows as we've talked about this issue for the past 6 months without resolve. One thing I forgot to mention is we are seeing a sex therapist / relationship counselor before we go down any other roads. But she does already know and yes it was not easy. It took a few weeks to show her I wasn't going anywhere and I really do care about her in spite of how I feel.

Regarding your other jab - if it's me and me only, then I have no problem doing what I need to do to make things better. But unless she's flat out lying to me then this isn't the case, or isn't the main issue at hand. Perhaps its not that she's good, and I'm bad, or vice versa, but our sexual styles are not in tune. She's totally happy not having sex and just cuddling up for 2 hours.

January 4, 2011

Open relationship? I have been there and done that and now I am in a big mess of trouble. I am 25 year old female my now husband and I started having an open relationship about 6 years ago. We have been married for 3 of those years and it all started off great. I was the one that wanted the open relationship for the same reason that you are thinking about it. My husband was fine with everything until about two years ago and is now trying to get out of having one. Within the last year he has told me that we can no longer have an open relationship and if I feel differently then maybe we need to rethink our marriage. Well i guess me being the "slut" that I am, I have been cheating on him and have now gotten myself into a huge mess. The idea of an open relationship is great but the reality of it is that it always blows up in your face. So my question to you is , If she agrees with having an open relationship right now and things go great after this and you get married down the line but all of a sudden she wants to stop it, would you be able to go without a piece of"strange". Or would you do like me and keep on behind her back? My advise to you is no matter how much you think that you love someone "sex" is a major part of a relationship and without that spark it is not going to work. You can try to bring that spark back and if it just wont come back I would go ahead and leave before you hurt her worse later down the road.

January 4, 2011

OP sounds sincere and decent..... When I read such mismatched sex drives early in a relationship there seems very little that you can do..... Sorry 1-2 X's/mth in your 20's is just not acceptable.....

Yet the 2 responses were women somehow looking for flaws in your personality/expectations.....

Let her find a closeted gay (yes I am snarky), who won't want sex at all.....

January 4, 2011

Hey tierzastar: thank you for your help and insight. I have asked her if she's ever had an O and yes she has. I actually hold back until she gets off, it's fairly rare that only one of us gets off (of course she could be faking it, but I trust her enough that I don't believe she's putting on a show). However, she did say that she's never really been that into sex with her ex boyfriends, which I didn't mention before. It's tough for her to get off without direct stimulation as well with that said I'll look into that stuff you mention. And I'm not THAT big of an adrenelane junkie, I was just showing that I like to feel things around me more than just watching on the side.

Toodamnpragmatic: Thank again for the support I agree with your mention of the frequency given the age. There should be clothes coming off at least a few times a week I feel! And not just to get off, but to enjoy being with one another.. I also agree on people going straight for "you're ****ed up" instead of talking it out. Alas..

January 4, 2011

[quote=

Toodamnpragmatic: Thank again for the support I agree with your mention of the frequency given the age. There should be clothes coming off at least a few times a week I feel! And not just to get off, but to enjoy being with one another.. I also agree on people going straight for "you're ****ed up" instead of talking it out. Alas..

Hey, it has nothing to do with age! I'm in my mid 40's and a WOMAN and I'd be one happy woman if I had it everyday but will settle for 3 times/week

January 4, 2011

half_ofa_heart: I hope I'll be having sex 3 times a week at 40 I was more referring to someone being in their 20s should be having sex more than once or twice a month

tierzastar: I've been reading the site while sitting here (work is boring today!) . There is a few points he makes which would be cool to know more on (ie making sure it's done right, not offending, and also breaking that barrier that keeps things from happening to begin with)

January 4, 2011

I am glad that you are really looking at this and not just thinking things will get better. I am in my forties and female, and I can attest that if you are mismatched in your twenties.. it is not going to get any better. You need to make sure that you are doing the right thing for yourself before you invest anymore into your relationship (having children).

And, I agree with the comment that she may be one of these people that don't like sex. But, it is better to find out sooner than later.

January 5, 2011

Hello Everyone!

First off, I hope everyone is doing well and had a great New Years! Mine was a blast and I had a great time with friends and my girlfriend.

So, a quick intro and about me:
I'm 26, Male, and the best way I can describe myself is "passionate". I enjoy going to dance, listening to music (music that you can dance to), I like driving cars fast, jumping out of airplanes, running, basically things like that. I get bored fairly easily though

Which leads me to where I am right now.

I've been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and I love the girl I am with. She's a great girlfriend, and I have no real issues with our relationship (other than sex - which I'll get to in a second). We have a dog and an apartment together, and overall things are nice. We go to parties, take the dog to the park, cook, etc. It's a stable and loving relationship. The sad thing is, I'm not really getting what I need out of it, and I feel there's a few reasons for this. But in essence it comes down to sex and passion. I'm not interested in just "getting off" but actually enjoying my time and really getting into the whole, for lack of a better word, production of having sex. I enjoy music, candles, and the feeling of both partners wanting to rip the others clothes off.

However...

My girlfriend is not this person, and never really has been. However, when we first started dating I didn't notice it as much, she was much more into sex, but it didn't take very long to realize she wasn't a leader and didn't really care that much. But sex was good overall and so I didn't think much of it. However, two years later it's basically gone stale and I don't really enjoy it very much. I feel like we have sex just to get off, and if that's all it is, then I'd rather just do my own thing. She doesn't seem to have any desire to be with me other than maybe once or so a month, and there's just not much feeling behind it. With that said, I am not blaming her - but we are two different people and those differences are starting to really show. It's glaring enough that I would consider leaving her if we didn't resolve it, I'm too young to give up on this part of my life.

Anyways, I also thing that my work going slow isn't helping (the past month I've sat at home doing nothing with work being virtually dead) and so that puts added stress on our relationship. However, I really started to notice our differences sexually between 6 months and a year into our relationship - basically when that "Giddy in love" feeling was gone, and people's true nature comes out.

Which leads me to being interested in still being with her - which is what I want - but also getting what I need and desire somewhere else. I want to stay committed to my girlfriend, but I've come to the realization that we may never see eye to eye on sex, and that is fine if I can still enjoy the part of life I want to enjoy.

I guess I'm looking for help here, what to look for, people's experiences, etc. I've started reading Opening Up which is a good read. But I also wanted to have open discussion with people.

Again, thanks and hello!

This is not a dating service site so loose the crap dude.

January 5, 2011

I'd work on why you need the rush to remain satisfied before pinning it all on needing to be polyamourous. Nothing I've ever seen about it indicates becoming poly will fix issues already present. If anything, it creates issues where there were none. At best it seems successful only with people who are already stable and satisfied in what they already have but interested in a less restricting set of boundaries concerning intimacy and other people.

I agree with this advice. In my opinion, when there is any kind of problem in your primary relationship is exactly the time not to pursue outside romantic and/or sexual relationships, no matter what your preference is. Although my marriage is open, we focus on our marriage and on each other if either one of us is feeling unhappy about anything. The times when sex with each other lessened at all, such as when we were raising young children and busy with our careers, were also times we had no outside relationships. I think doing the reverse of this will likely lead to ending your primary relationship in a messy and hurtful way.

January 5, 2011

I agree with this advice. In my opinion, when there is any kind of problem in your primary relationship is exactly the time not to pursue outside romantic and/or sexual relationships, no matter what your preference is. Although my marriage is open, we focus on our marriage and on each other if either one of us is feeling unhappy about anything. The times when sex with each other lessened at all, such as when we were raising young children and busy with our careers, were also times we had no outside relationships. I think doing the reverse of this will likely lead to ending your primary relationship in a messy and hurtful way.

While I agree that they are having less sex than is normal for their age, I did notice how much he talks about the giddiness of the relationship disappearing and his hobbies and interests being those of people into adrenaline rush.

In your experience with the kind of lifestyle he is interested in - is this search for the newness ever a problem? Have you ever dealt with people not really being capable of managing more than one relationship and just being into the chemical rush of new relationships?

January 5, 2011

Sorry but this link made me laugh, no 2 women are the same, and what works for one may not work for another, so it's not all about the right number of licks in the exact place the next woman might like it, and the bloke on the link who claims 40% of women don't like penetration, where the hell did he pluck that figure from?! It's good it works for you though but it won't work for everyone.

I know exactly how your girl is feeling. My husband and I have been together for five years, married for 1 1/2. During the summer I lost complete interest in sex. I felt it was a chore I had to perform. And I only ''performed'' once every 1-2 months. I did feel really bad about it because my husband felt like he wasnt sexy anymore but that wasnt the problem. I must ask you has she ever had an O. I know weird question but it's actually pretty important. And if she has are you sure she wasnt faking. Try going here: http://www.lickbylick.com/ My hubby ordered this for $37 and man does it work. I've turned sex-crazy. We have sex sometimes twice a day if we have the time and energy or 4-5 times a week. It does come with 4 other free ebooks like 101 romantic ideas. I think it's worth your time and money. And if it does fix things and you're still not happy then maybe you should get some help for your adrenelane thing. Anyway, let me know what you think and if you do get the book. Let me know if it helped.

January 5, 2011

While I agree that they are having less sex than is normal for their age, I did notice how much he talks about the giddiness of the relationship disappearing and his hobbies and interests being those of people into adrenaline rush.
In your experience with the kind of lifestyle he is interested in - is this search for the newness ever a problem? Have you ever dealt with people not really being capable of managing more than one relationship and just being into the chemical rush of new relationships?

The few individuals I know (or knew) who fit that profile are repeat cheaters, and are not in open relationships. I would say such people often aren't capable of managing one relationship (never mind more than one!)

I agree that it seems like that might be an issue for the OP and that certainly is not a good reason for choosing an open/poly lifestyle. IMO, that is a good reason for either being single or for figuring out if you really do want to use relationships to get that kind of rush.

January 5, 2011

I must ask. Are you prepared for her to sleep with someone else as well if things dont improve?

This is tough to say. Part of what makes it easier is that she doesn't really seem to care that much about sex, so I'm not sure she would seek it elsewhere if we had sex every once in awhile. So I totally see your point here and agree with you. To be honest, it would be tough.

January 5, 2011

This is tough to say. Part of what makes it easier is that she doesn't really seem to care that much about sex, so I'm not sure she would seek it elsewhere if we had sex every once in awhile. So I totally see your point here and agree with you. To be honest, it would be tough.

Do you think it would help a relationship that already exhibits a level dissatisfaction to introduce an unequal set of boundaries?

She isn't weighing in on the thread, so its hard to say if she is satisfied with your shared sex life as it stands. But clearly, you are not satisfied. If I assume she is and you're not, the relationship is already functioning under an unequal premise. Add another unequal standard and it isn't likely going to be seen an equalizer.

If you want to do this, you'd be better to allow her the same outlet whether she utilizes it or not. Telling her she can't or you can't deal with it will have her wondering why the hell she should have to deal with it for you.

But what will you do if she seems to not exhibit the same lower level libido she has now with a new partner?

I don't know man.... it might just be better for you both to find someone more compatible. And someone compatible to you could be someone who also engages in an open relationship standard. If you find an interest in it, its odd that you'd not be able to come to some place of acceptance for a partner who wants the same despite how much easier it would be to get what you want with that person.

January 5, 2011

Do you think it would help a relationship that already exhibits a level dissatisfaction to introduce an unequal set of boundaries?

She isn't weighing in on the thread, so its hard to say if she is satisfied with your shared sex life as it stands. But clearly, you are not satisfied. If I assume she is and you're not, the relationship is already functioning under an unequal premise. Add another unequal standard and it isn't likely going to be seen an equalizer.
If you want to do this, you'd be better to allow her the same outlet whether she utilizes it or not. Telling her she can't or you can't deal with it will have her wondering why the hell she should have to deal with it for you.
But what will you do if she seems to not exhibit the same lower level libido she has now with a new partner?

I don't know man.... it might just be better for you both to find someone more compatible. And someone compatible to you could be someone who also engages in an open relationship standard. If you find an interest in it, its odd that you'd not be able to come to some place of acceptance for a partner who wants the same despite how much easier it would be to get what you want with that person.

Well, the question was am I ready, not would I let her. I've never told her she can't do anything and I don't plan to start now. If she came up today and said "I want to have an open relationship" I wouldn't tell her no (I may not stay in the relationship, but I've never once told her she's not allowed to do something, I don't believe in that, if she wants to go do something I let her).

I agree with your overall view though and realize she may not act the same if she has a new partner. I also am not sure how jealous I would be, unless I was seeing someone else as well. However, we are going to see a counselor before really going down this road anyways, I'm just looking to get input.

January 5, 2011

Well, the question was am I ready, not would I let her. I've never told her she can't do anything and I don't plan to start now. If she came up today and said "I want to have an open relationship" I wouldn't tell her no (I may not stay in the relationship, but I've never once told her she's not allowed to do something, I don't believe in that, if she wants to go do something I let her).

I agree with your overall view though and realize she may not act the same if she has a new partner. I also am not sure how jealous I would be, unless I was seeing someone else as well. However, we are going to see a counselor before really going down this road anyways, I'm just looking to get input.

Yeah, I don't get the vibe off of you that you're controlling, so when I say "not allow it" I simply mean unable to fully accept. Not all dictator style.

January 5, 2011

Yeah, I don't get the vibe off of you that you're controlling, so when I say "not allow it" I simply mean unable to fully accept. Not all dictator style.

Oh, then yeah, at this point I'm not sure I would be ready. To be frank I don't know if anyone would know how they would feel or react until it actually happened.. ugg

January 9, 2011

Sorry but this link made me laugh, no 2 women are the same, and what works for one may not work for another, so it's not all about the right number of licks in the exact place the next woman might like it, and the bloke on the link who claims 40% of women don't like penetration, where the hell did he pluck that figure from?! It's good it works for you though but it won't work for everyone.

I've seen a similar figure.

A book I recently read on marital Christian sex said studies by psychologists show only 40% of women have ever had an orgasm or find satisfaction in sex. Most women don't know what an orgasm is nor have ever experienced one, according to the studies.

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Sex without any passion - desire for open relationship

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