Darth Vader Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I posted this post in another forum, and it seems to make a lot of sense. Have anything to add, comments or arguements or whatever, feel free to post. I think it's much less than 99.9999999% that there are contributing factors. There are spouses that do everything possible to fufill said needs, yet their spouses still cheat, however, when it comes down to it, often the WS just wanted a little strange. I have to wonder how many WS's have done this and will never admit it! So take that part into consideration, your case included, and you'll probably find those numbers much much lower than you would want to believe! Why would the WS never admit something so sick, well, if you look at the fact that they have already Lied, cheated and stole parts of your life, dignity, self worth and respect, well, that ought to tell you right there, they want to shift at least some of the blame of their actions onto the BS in whatever way possible. I feel that this is a manipulative way by the WS in some cases to undermine the BS in any retaliatory actions (a form of Blameshifting by WS towards BS) made by the BS towards the WS, such as accountability, loss of time spent in hobbies, with friends, where they're at, certain activities or even Divorce. Then again, you have have to remember going into any marriage, NO ONE'S PERFECT! No one can do it all! No one is capable of meeting any and all needs at any and all times, there's just no way possible! Take that into consideration, then you see how flawed this arguement of not meeting someone elses needs is. It's blowing smoke at you, if not also crap at you! To the poster of this post, I think when you get to the heart of it, your wife cheated on you because she wanted a little strange, whether in whole or in part makes no difference. Then she used the "he didn't meet my needs" line(Blameshifting Tactic!)! I think this is used more as a ploy (last ditch effort) so full responsibility is not taken by the WS.
Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I think it is right on the money DV! When my fWS started therapy, the IC took him back to the beginnings of his general discontent in life (for which he blamed me starting pre-affair) and kept hammering: So, Spark was to blame for that? Oh, how was that Sparks fault? So, what was Spark doing when a, b, c, was going on? Look, it is easy and convenient to blame a spouse or SO when we are miserable.....a lot easier than trying to fix ourselves. Granted, some people really try to communicate what they need and do not get it. But there is a way to communicate that to a spouse or SO, with kindness. Back on point: Blameshifting is a common characteristic among cheaters, whether it was wanting a bit of strange on the side, or not.
freestyle Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Excellent post, DV!!! especially coming from the dark side of the schwartz, I mean, force....... Kidding aside, that was very insightful, and accurate. There are times it really is just the WS having an inability to be content with what they have, or an inability to communicate their needs/dissatisfaction clearly---and the BS has done nothing wrong. the variables are nearly infinite...........but yep, I'm getting irritated by the blameshifting that I encounter, both here, and IRL.
love4me2c Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I have to say my spouse never blamed me for the affair. When asked what I could do to make our marriage better, he said I didn't need to do anything. That he was depressed. He ended up going on meds but he was still a jerk.
Author Darth Vader Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) Excellent post, DV!!! especially coming from the dark side of the schwartz, I mean, force....... Kidding aside, that was very insightful, and accurate. There are times it really is just the WS having an inability to be content with what they have, or an inability to communicate their needs/dissatisfaction clearly---and the BS has done nothing wrong. the variables are nearly infinite...........but yep, I'm getting irritated by the blameshifting that I encounter, both here, and IRL. Hahaha! LOL! Very funny, I like a little humor here and there. Anyway, part of the arguement against that saying is everyone knows going into a marriage that no one is perfect like said in the first posting of this Thread, so that alone blows the whole, "He/She wasn't doing this or that in the marriage to meet my needs" thing to Hell! It's just common sense. I'm not entirely sure myself if it's the case 110% of the time, but, hey, the cheaters are always liars anyway, so you already know that you can't trust anything they say, that is if their lips are moving.:lmao: I have a feeling that a whole lot of people may/WILL have to reanalyze what their former WS's have said in reguards that "my needs weren't being met"( a Ploy)! In the very least the BS's will have to look at everything once again! They will have to go and ask their WS's if they (WS's) knew going into marriage that their needs wouldn't always be met(possibly even through neglect, though not intensional), if they answer (NO), that tells you right there, they're a LIAR! Of course they know! Like I said, last ditch effort to BLAMESHIFT! And the worse thing is, the counselors have bought right into it, lock, stock and barrel! If you truely don't know don't get married! This cuts to the heart of MAJOR B U L L S H I T !!!!! Edited January 5, 2011 by Darth Vader
Author Darth Vader Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I have to say my spouse never blamed me for the affair. When asked what I could do to make our marriage better, he said I didn't need to do anything. That he was depressed. He ended up going on meds but he was still a jerk. You seem to be one of the few, however, men seem to be more likely to say this than a woman, although it's not always the case. I've seen it go BOTH ways!
Fieldsofgold Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I want to comment on the part where you say that going into the marriage, they should know the spouse isn't going to always meet all their needs. I think it would be safe to say that prior to marriage, no one person has ever met ALL of anyone's needs. Momma didn't do it when we were cute little innocent babies. Well - maybe she met all our needs, but not all our wants. Anyway, the concept that no one person can ALWAYS be there for you and meet all your expectations all the time, is pretty well established by the time you're marrying age. If it does not occur in any relationship before marriage - why would anyone expect that to change because they are married? And then there's always that bedeviling little vow thingy that happens before witnesses, etc. The one that says something to the effect of loving and cherishing the spouse for richer or poorer, better or worse, sickness or health. I don't recall any clause in there about not meeting all the spouse's needs. And then there's the "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS" clause. Seems hard to justify an affair around that one. But that's just me. What really gets me is these people who are in an A, and blaming the spouse for not being ideal. As though they think that even though they are carrying on an affair, *THEY* are still the ideal spouse at home???!!! I don't understand if the BS is such a failure, why doesn't the WS just divorce and find the "right" partner? Just my thoughts.
Author Darth Vader Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) I want to comment on the part where you say that going into the marriage, they should know the spouse isn't going to always meet all their needs. I think it would be safe to say that prior to marriage, no one person has ever met ALL of anyone's needs. Momma didn't do it when we were cute little innocent babies. Well - maybe she met all our needs, but not all our wants. Anyway, the concept that no one person can ALWAYS be there for you and meet all your expectations all the time, is pretty well established by the time you're marrying age. If it does not occur in any relationship before marriage - why would anyone expect that to change because they are married? And then there's always that bedeviling little vow thingy that happens before witnesses, etc. The one that says something to the effect of loving and cherishing the spouse for richer or poorer, better or worse, sickness or health. I don't recall any clause in there about not meeting all the spouse's needs. And then there's the "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS" clause. Seems hard to justify an affair around that one. But that's just me. What really gets me is these people who are in an A, and blaming the spouse for not being ideal. As though they think that even though they are carrying on an affair, *THEY* are still the ideal spouse at home???!!! I don't understand if the BS is such a failure, why doesn't the WS just divorce and find the "right" partner? Just my thoughts. Agreed, answer, just plain selfishness! However, in the mind of a cheater, they have to rewrite the maritial history. How bad it is/was, what was/wasn't done in order to justify in their mind to have the affair so they don't feel guilty in the process/s of screwing around. Then they are caught out, or confess (rarely happens) and they try to Blame the BS is some way(which is a continuance of deception), when that fails, then their only recourse is to try to come against the BS's inevitable faults, such as needs not being met in one way or another! An example of this is military life, a soldier must comply with the military code of conduct and comply with any and all orders issued, otherwise face harsh consequences, such as an article # of some sort, or Court Marshaling(sp) which may result in imprisonment. Spouses of soldiers who have cheated on or are cheating on their spouses attempt to justify their actions "well he was always deployed", or "I got/was lonely". Knowing full well that a soldier must service the military at all costs! Another way of putting it as far as the soldier is concerned, the soldier doesn't tell the military anything! The military tells the soldier everything! No questions asked! The same can be said in the private sector! Sure, there are workaholics, but, I'm sure they're fewer than one would like to admit! Someone who's in a high position in a company will be demanded by the company to put in longer work hours than say a common worker. Still, although the WS spouse knows about these situations, they concoct a reason/s to act in their own behalf. Edited January 6, 2011 by Darth Vader
Fieldsofgold Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) But to me, the part of the vow that says "for better or for worse" covers all those conditions - being posted out of the country, having to work long hours, getting sick, depressed, not living up to all my fantasies and expectations - all that comes under the "for worse" clause. Leaves no room for blame. If it's too intolerable - divorce. Edited January 6, 2011 by Fieldsofgold
Author Darth Vader Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 But to me, the part of the vow that says "for better or for worse" covers all those conditions - being posted out of the country, having to work long hours, getting sick, depressed, not living up to all my fantasies and expectations - all that comes under the "for worse" clause. Leaves no room for blame. If it's too intolerable - divorce. This is all true.
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