quietGuy13 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 (edited) I'm 31 and i've never had a date in my life. Thus i've never had a girlfriend. I want to try to talk to women and build some relationship but i don't really know how it works. The typical american guys that i've always seen, and see at work, and saw when i was in College are talkative, outgoing, confident and have great speaking skills and speak fluently. the reason i'm atypical is because I'm also shy and quiet. Reason i'm shy is because I have a speaking disability. I can't remember words...i get stuck and can't pull words, thus also my vocabulary is really low. And i can't seem to make sense in what i say too. And i'm slow, i cant understand concepts quickly and i can't come up with anything to say(thus i stay with mouth closed). i went to college etc but this never changed( how i went through college? i had classes where i didn't really have to do presentations or oral speaking..or it was minimal) Although women say they accept guys as long as their confident..it's not really true. They want good communicators and of course to be confident you need to be confident in your language skills.. and i'm not. I dont' even talk to my parents because i get stuck, i have nothing in my brain and when i want to talk to them i can't put it in a way that makes sense.. Also i've read enough dating site profiles and i've looked at many women in the street/city and public places and I know that usually EDUCATED American women who have gone to college etc, never end up with a Boyfriend like me. They usually date guys that are like them: Confident, cool, good speakers. So, that's why i never had friends, girlfriend. Because what's the point if I KNOW that typical educated American women would not even look at me twice. The only female contact i have had is speaking to foreign quiet girls( usually from Japan because they tend to be quiet and shy like me so it's easy and they accept me)in chats and voice chats AND sometimes trying to meet foreign students studying in america, who i meet through craigslist or sometimes i just try to talk to them in bus stops etc. I've met a few good people that way. But they usually here temporarily only . Quiet foreign asian girls are easy to approach and talk to because they are quiet like me, and i have studied Japanese language so sometimes i can make connections. Of course i usually can't succeed with japanese girls who are good english speakers because they start criticizing my english and saying "why you speak so slow?" and don't like me because i'm not a typical american. But anyways, American women don't like Atypical men, so how do i approach them ? And also, how would it even work.... Her'es an example of how it would turn: ME: (I approach) Hello HER: HI ME:................................how are you? HER:(thinks i'm weird cause outgoing guys don't pause and don't say simple stuff like that) good... ME:............uh ..........(silence)... HER: Ok bye Edited January 4, 2011 by quietGuy13
WIguy Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 This may sound like a wierd question..... but how does alcohol affect your speaking ability? You got some guy friends that have girlfriends or friends that are girls? They might be able to help you out. Networking is the best way to find a match, hang out with friends at a party and be yourself. Sometimes being yourself with someone whos number you just got and are going out on the first date can be hard. So I say try to stay in your element with your guy friends and have them bring over some girls that they may know. Other than that, if your interested in a girl talk to her. It doesn't matter if you look like a dumbass who can't speak right. I look like a dumbass at times when I talk to girls, other times I'm smooth as hell. It depends on the girl and many other factors. Try not to let your speach impediment limit you. Good luck!
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Oh i also forgot to mention I really don't even know where to meet women and where to approach women in a way that would be more easy and more likely to have luck. I dont go to nightclubs, also...I don't go to cafes. I really don't see the point in going to cafes. don't even know what to do there. Just sit in a table and drink? For me, i don't understand how i could meet people there. I go to libraries and bookstores, but i also do'nt understand how to meet women there. In bookstores or whatever, women are moving around.. I would have to follow them and they don't like that. Women in street shopping etc.. Again, i would have to follow them and women don't like creepy guys who follow them ESPECIALLy if they don't have good speaking skills to backup their reason. People and dating books/experts keep saying you can meet women anywhere but i dont really understand how. I almost never see any women who are open and free to meeting strangers in the library( where i go).. nor in the park( where i go) . Even sometime ago i took dance class(yeah i tried even though i'm shy I tried it..I'm usually not shy in doing things.. I'm shy in TALKING cause i know i suck and people don't accept my speaking) in a dance studio and yeah i danced with girls and i held them..but that was dance.. i just danced then after class went home. that's it. No way to have conversations with them.
ianandris Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Son, let women figure out for themselves why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. -Dad from **** my dad says twitter feed You just have to take risks, bro. You're gonna get shot down, and its gonna suck, and it may be a while before you find a date, but you don't really have any other choice, you know? If you want to start dating, you've got to put your insecurities aside and just do it. I mean, you're 31. By now you've realized that dates don't really drop in your lap. Just like your degree, if you want the end result, you've got to put in the work. This is going to sound odd, but, really, start talking to everyone you meet. Everywhere. Man, woman, be careful with the children, but you know what I mean. In line? Talk to the people around you. Chat up the attendant. Talk to people while they're shopping. Engage everyone for practice because dating is nothing more than becoming friends with a girl where there's mutual attraction. If you talk to people, you WILL make friends. The busstop is a good start, but don't just chat up the girl you want, talk to EVERYONE. You have to take risks. I'm not saying you need to change your personality, but you will have to do things that feel unnatural, and a little out of character if you want what you're looking for. Be you, but be the best you you can be.
sally4sara Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Learn sign language and try for deaf women? Its hard to tell how bad the situation is for you in a typed thread. You say you have a speaking disability? Sign language isn't just for deaf people; its also for people with with speaking disabilities. You might meet someone by taking a class on sign language. Even if they have no hearing or speaking disability and are taking the class to work with people who need to use it, you can benefit from the both of you needing to practice and learning to communicate via sign language. Plus you'd have a new, marketable skill.
welikeincrowds Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Learn sign language and try for deaf women? Its hard to tell how bad the situation is for you in a typed thread. You say you have a speaking disability? Sign language isn't just for deaf people; its also for people with with speaking disabilities. You might meet someone by taking a class on sign language. Even if they have no hearing or speaking disability and are taking the class to work with people who need to use it, you can benefit from the both of you needing to practice and learning to communicate via sign language. Plus you'd have a new, marketable skill. This is a really clever idea. I'm also curious if you would experience the same blocking difficulties expressing yourself through sign language rather than spoken language.
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks guys. well, but i really don't have the speaking ability to backup my initial "HI" like if i say HI to a girl.. then what? I'm a guy that never talks and have never talk since i was 6 and had no friends. I don't even talk to my parents much. I don't know how to speak well. I"m 31 now. Like i say "HI" and then what? Do i say "WHere are you from?" or what Dating books seem to be meant for people who are great speakers already (whether talking outgoing people or nerds who read a lot of books in their basement( thus are good with language even if they're shy) ) I ALSO NOTICED last 2 days that i went out in the city. that it seeems most people are shy and reserved. they never say HI to me, they don't even look at me when they're walking.. even though i have courage to look at them. So i try practicing saying hi to everybody but nobody even looks at me. ANd i thought i was the only shy one. And Girls are even worse, they never make eye contact with me specially the pretty ones that i like. when they pass walking i try to make eye contact but they don't. Are all people generally shy/afraid of talking to strangers?
Jazzari Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 How well do you do with real-time online chats? Perhaps that would be a good way to hone your "what do I say next" skills.
tb24 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My advice? Start by doing one or more of these: 1) Join a sports club (preferrably where there will also be women so marial arts, tenis, etc). Either way, you'll likely get invites to social events by just networking like this. 2) Go up to 100 random people (women preferrably) in the street and just ask for directions. This will get you over a bit of your anxiety. Something like this: "excuse me, I'm a bit lost can you tell me where [xxx] is?" Once you're used to that, ask an open ended question: You: "Excuse me, do you know of a good coffee shop around here?"
fishtaco Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Well, what you have to do is become a typical guy, as opposed to atypical guy. It worked for me. When in Rome, do what the Romans do.
Lucky555 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 so I'm interested in knowing about your speaking challenge. You can write really well I presume as I read your blog and you sound quite intelligent. Otherwise, its expressing what you want to say thus its an issue affecting the brocas area of your brain (expressive aphasia), located near the temporal lobe. Thus have you ever considered seeing a speech therapist? Finding techniques or adaptive strategies to assist you? I think you would gain more confidence with initiating conversations with other if you had some strategies from a professional. I think if you did have them you would improve and communicating would be easier for you. I think your writing shows that you do have a high intellectual ability to communicate with others (writing is a form that you can use with someone as long as they understand what is going on with you). So hope you reply.
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) Hi . thanks all for your responses. Very helpful 1. How well do you do with real-time online chats? Perhaps that would be a good way to hone your "what do I say next" skills. I do gooood with text chats with anybody. I do well with voice chats with foreigners from Asia(if they don't discriminate my slow English), and do well with nice 60year old Asian ladies talking in their language( i've studied). I don't do well in voice chat with americans or english speakers from Europe or AMerica or with Hispanics because they always discriminate my slow English and the fact that the way i talk is not typical and so they don't accept atypical americans. IN fact, i'm a chatter online. I talk alot in text with anybody including English speakers, and talk alot in voice With the asians that accept me. *********** 2 Start by doing one or more of these: -)Join a sports club (preferrably where there will also be women so marial arts, tenis, etc). Either way, you'll likely get invites to social events by just networking like this. Yeah i want to but i don't know where or what. I want to go back to dance classes, but i damaged my knees some time ago and i had to stop dance. I went there for like a month in 2007. before my knees went wacko. Interestingly the ladies that started talking to me after class were old ladies.. like always, women my age never seem to talk to me. But well yeah, i don't know when i will feel better to go back to dance.. but i hope soon. If not dance, then yeah i want to do something but i don't know what. -) Go up to 100 random people (women preferrably) in the street and just ask for directions. This will get you over a bit of your anxiety. Something like this: "excuse me, I'm a bit lost can you tell me where [xxx] is?" Once you're used to that, ask an open ended question: You: "Excuse me, do you know of a good coffee shop around here?" Great advice!!!!! IN fact that's what i wanted to do and that's what i did a few times before and do it once in a while, but usually do it with people who i feel comfortable asking. That is: Old people from any nationality, and young quiet foreign people from Asia. The toughest for me is American women my age. They just seem so intimidating.. because of the reason i mentioned above( me being atypical and typical americans thinking i'm garbage). But i'll keep trying with many people. One time, some hispanic ladies(old mature) were in the computer store trying to decide on a printer cartridge and they didn't know bout computers much, i started talking to them and helping them and they thought i was from the store. heheh. Andd by the way, yeah, when i've tried the Asking for directions thing, i have to fake like i'm not from the city and like i don't know where things are, when in fact i'm a local. hehehe. Anyways, i'll keep trying more and more. Last time though people all seemed like they didn't want to talk to me and they didn't make any eye contact. so it as difficult to even say HI, although i was ready to say it. ******** 3 so I'm interested in knowing about your speaking challenge. Thanks for being interested. well.. it's difficult to explain cause i don't even know what it is. Mind you, i had brain trauma in an accident when i was a kid. I have some theory that that may have something to do with my speaking problem, although now i look normal.. I look normal but i have alooooot of trouble coming up with stuff to say and putting it in a form people understand. Before i say something to people.. i have to think so much on how to put it in an understandable form. IN typing is different cause i'm seeing the words, i remember what i'm thinking cause the words i typed before are still there in the screen. When i talk in real life..i have to concentrate so much in to make understandable phrases and sentences AND also i have to concentrate alot so that i don't mess up pronunciation. I always mess up. and then i sound like a stupid. Meanwhile all the people my age talk like fluent like "Hey feiufeiufeiufeifeiufeiufeiufeiufeuf" and i'm like this "Hi...........uh............Well..................................I dont know............." and then like this THINKING: I"m gonna say this...i hope i hit the right sound I SAY IT: Excuse me do you knee.......MESS UP!! ( I wanted to say Excuse me do you know ) i know anyone messes up but they get back to the conversation. With me, when i mess up...then my brain gets like stuck. i can't really think nothing...it's weird.. and then for a brief period i feel like I'm mentally retarded like i can't move my tongue and the brain gets stuck. Many times when i talk to my parents i feel stuck for minutes, and note that i'm not shy with my parents..And still i can't say nothing.. can't think nothing, for a that time i feel like i lose my brain. So my parents know that i'm slow. When i had my head trauma i lost my speech and the doctors said i would remain mentally retarded and not be able to talk again for life. I managed to be able to regain speech but I've always feel stuck and i feel a weird thing in my brain like i get stuck and can't create any words for a moment. I never had speech therapy ever, the only thing they did when i lost my speech is my mother would read to me books and my mother would talk to me...and i think a brief period of help from the docs but not much. Everyone just thought that when i got better i was actually normal. but i was never, that's why i didn't talk NOTHIGN in school etc. ( really.. i never opened my mouth. everyoen in school would treat me like i was a baby and would like take care of me even in highschool) Basically i talked 2 percent of what normal kids talk from age 6 to age 20. And it wasn't because i was shy. the shyness came and comes even now, because i was/am unable to understand/comprehend and unable to form coherent stuff so i i just always decided not to talk fearing people would see me as stupid and weird. Aside from the talking thing, other things i could do well. Art, music(played piano, learned on my own, made my own songs and compositions..not classical type..but just simple stuff on my own) but talking was never something i was good at. I never talked in any of my classes even up to highschool. So by the time i was in my 20's in college, i was really atypical. Very different and never had friends. THe only thing that has saved my life and gave me some friends and conversations is the fact that i studied a foreign languages. For some weird reason, foreign languages are easier to grasp and i feel more comfortable in, then in my own languages. So i always did well in those. *** Yes i've been planing to go to a speech therapist but i dont' k now if they'll even take me seriously, because like i said, i look normal. BUt i'll try. Edited January 11, 2011 by quietGuy13
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 This may sound silly to you. Do not anticipate what they may say. Already know what you are going to say. Rehearse it if you need to. Regardless of what they may say you need to already know it. Deflect, and bring the conversation to you if need be. Build communication skills from that.
Lucky555 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) ok so this wasn't associated with birth. From your symptoms it sounded like a brain trauma...i can't believe you didn't get any speech therapy even after you started speaking again!!!!!!!!! yes its costly to see a speech therapist if you do not have adequate insurance too. Otherwise this is expressive aphasia, which is like i described. The trauma you endured affects the brocas area of your brain. However, you regained speech due to the brains ability to regenerate (neuroplasticity). The brains capabilities are amazing. The brain actually recovers more when your younger as opposed to when your older. here is some information: http://www.speech-therapy-on-video.com/expressiveaphasia.html http://www.speechpathology.com/askexpert/display_question.asp?question_id=266 go to youtube.com (therapists sometimes post on there for techniques to improve communication) type in expressive aphasia or improve expressive aphasia. http://aphasiavideos.com/ I hope this gives you some more information. I also hope it helps you. Otherwise I think you should give yourself some confidence! DO not let anyone deter you from your goal here. You need to give yourself credit for overcoming obstacles that you have endured throughout your life. You are probably a much stronger individual than a lot of people! Some lady is going to be so lucky for having met you. CONFIDENCE! You need to start looking at the positive qualities that you have. Don't try to think what people are thinking if the person isn't responding to you then just walk away. Also your staying in your safe zone...try little by little putting yourself out there. Keeping working on communication, use other methods such as writing and do communicate what you live with. Be open and honest with the ladies you are wanting to meet. Confidence! Even if you are trying to talk to them the right person will be patient with you and respect who you are and accept who you for you. Edited January 11, 2011 by Lucky555
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Lucky555, wow great info. I never knew about that. Many of the things sound exactly like what i have and how i feel. BTW, in my accident i was thrown from front of the bus to the rear, when the bus crashed and i was dead for some weeks. Yeah didn't have any speech therapy because i am from a pooor family. We we lived in kindof like countryside at that time, and my parents were ranch/tough people and didn't have more than kindergarten education...going to therapy and those things is not something they do where we lived, they were not even aware of those kinds of things. But wow, thanks. i tried searching for articles about what i may have but i had no clue where to find any. so thanks for the info
Lucky555 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Lucky555, wow great info. I never knew about that. Many of the things sound exactly like what i have and how i feel. BTW, in my accident i was thrown from front of the bus to the rear, when the bus crashed and i was dead for some weeks. Yeah didn't have any speech therapy because i am from a pooor family. We we lived in kindof like countryside at that time, and my parents were ranch/tough people and didn't have more than kindergarten education...going to therapy and those things is not something they do where we lived, they were not even aware of those kinds of things. But wow, thanks. i tried searching for articles about what i may have but i had no clue where to find any. so thanks for the info Ya I have studied quite a bit of neurology and health sciences. So it was an enclosed head injury. A lot of people don't really know what to to do unless they have some health background or someone they know tells them. Also, there may have not been therapists around at the time or in your location. Although I don't think you were dead..its a concussion. You were very fortunate to have recovered and proceeded with the journey of life. I do think that you will meet someone too. I think you should also keep in mind that as long as you are doing your best and be yourself you will find a person who accepts you for you.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 OP, I noticed you write extremely well. that's a good thing considering how prevalent online dating has become. might I suggest you invest some time in building an awesome profile & chatting these women up you meet via email. if you can get "in" with a girl emotionally, you'd certainly improve the odds of a woman "overlooking" any given shortcoming, regardless of what if is. being successful with women is similar to being successful in other respects -- I recommend you identify your best traits, abilities and learn to leverage them to get what you want.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 adding to my post above, I think online dating may work well for you because you may be able to use it to screen girls that don't mind you being yourself. you chat em up via email. get a number. talk over the phone. if it doesn't work, fine; if it does, bingo. move on to a face to face with no suprises. think about it.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Ya I have studied quite a bit of neurology and health sciences. So it was an enclosed head injury. A lot of people don't really know what to to do unless they have some health background or someone they know tells them. Also, there may have not been therapists around at the time or in your location. Although I don't think you were dead..its a concussion. You were very fortunate to have recovered and proceeded with the journey of life. I do think that you will meet someone too. I think you should also keep in mind that as long as you are doing your best and be yourself you will find a person who accepts you for you. nicely done, lucky. good advice. hope it helps, OP.
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