Shindig Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I got to visit with my long distance boyfriend over the holiday with a big group of my college buddies. We were sitting around with my friends drinking and playing a game: boys vs. girls. He was distracting me, sliding his cold hand up and down my back under my shirt and shorts, I took his hand and pushed it away. He stewed for the next few hours making passive aggressive comments that didn't make sense to me in front of my friends. I was confused as to why but apologized anyways and asked him to talk to me privately and he refused and continued with passive aggressive remarks. I called him on the passive aggression and it just made him more angry (understandable, I'd be embarassed too if someone outed me in front of their friends). After we wound up the game I waited for him outside and he really laid into me: when I had pushed his hand away earlier that night, that I wrenched his wrist at an odd angle and it really hurt him. I told him it was an accident and I never meant to hurt him. He accused me of a number of really serious things: that I wanted to hurt him, that I hated him, I treated him like a stranger fondling me, I wanted to kill him (seriously), he was scared to touch me that I might break his arm the next time, that I knew I had hurt him and pretended that nothing had happened to add insult to injury. It was bizarre and he started a couple of diatribes other than me being he villain: he's not good enough for me, his last girlfriend abused him physically, etc. We argued like that for an hour and a half: me professing my innocence and confusion and him vilifying me and ascribing horrible motives to my behavior. I managed to calm him down so that we could sleep (together, he was trying to leave and sleep elsewhere) and after he passed out I could smell the booze on his breath. He was really remorseful and apologetic the next morning. The big issue is that he doesn't fight fair. I'm still worried that there is something else at work: underlying feelings of insecurity, etc. Still, I'm pretty hurt that he punished me like that for a simple mistake in a booze fueled rant. I'm sure he knows it was wrong but I'm concerned that it will happen again. I called him on it, telling him it wasn't true and that those were cruel things to say but it didn't give him pause. I told him I might have to take a break from the argument in the future when he does it but he's super sensitive to "walking away". I really didn't recognize him after a year and a half and I'm afraid this is who he really is since we don't argue that much. I've reminded him before that saying things like "well, I just won't talk to you about [controversial topic] anymore" is hurtful and not constructive and accusing me of wanting to kill him is a more extreme version of an issue I've already taken with him. Any strategies for rebuilding trust out there?
Feelin Frisky Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Well, you've found out who he really is inside. Do you want to accommodate this? Sometimes we have o let go of others who defy logic and reason. It's insane to keep trying with them and expecting intelligible results. I had the same thing happen to me. The woman accused me of trying to drown her because I said "let's ride this wave in" while swimming in the ocean. The wave swamped us pretty good but drown her? She went so far as to sock me in the eye. This was who she really was. I had to let her go and wish I had never met her.
Author Shindig Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 You make a good point: he's clearly got some deeply seated issues about physical abuse. I gather that his ex drew blood on a number of occasions. Still, this particular instance is confusing because it seemed incredibly out of character but I also admit we don't argue that much. I don't want to deny him an opportunity to take responsibility and try and change because I would want the same from him but I agree that I'm certainly setting myself up for more verbal/emotional abuse. None of us is without issues, eh?
Feelin Frisky Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You make a good point: he's clearly got some deeply seated issues about physical abuse. I gather that his ex drew blood on a number of occasions. Still, this particular instance is confusing because it seemed incredibly out of character but I also admit we don't argue that much. I don't want to deny him an opportunity to take responsibility and try and change because I would want the same from him but I agree that I'm certainly setting myself up for more verbal/emotional abuse. None of us is without issues, eh? Well we all have "issues". But some people have serious personality disorders. When they do, their partners simply can't know who they really are, can't apply normal reasoning, will experience frustration. One of the things about personality disorders is that there is an inability or unwillingness by the afflicted to take responsibility for the things they do wrong--they deny them and sort of file them into a hidden personality that comes out again and again. Each time they strengthen their denial because they don't want to own up to having a problem. They often don't even think they have a problem and think everyone else is just like them. It gets so diabolical and toxic to live with someone like that that they can drive others to extremes. Not everyone with this kind of personality disorder displays the schism that often. The cycle is based upon what they experience. If things go their way for a while it will seem like everything is fine. But when they are thrown a curve--like thinking their advance has been rejected--that other hidden side starts calculating defenses and running wild with fear and anger. This is something that cannot be cracked by the significant other. It's called a "complex" for a reason. It's outside of normal fairness and reason. It won't make sense. It's a "complex". This is what my experience taught me. I wish I didn't have to find out the hard way. I went to pieces over my poor choice at that time--she was beautiful and great in bed too and everything I wanted. Except, she had a "complex"--a personality disorder which made her untrusting, un-loveworthy, un-loving and un-lovable. Why? Because she wasn't one person. And you can't learn what flies with them as constants. They change the rules and the pattern defies logical reason.
Author Shindig Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 You're giving me a lot to think about: thanks for that. My mother has a borderline personality disorder and I have to say he reminded me a lot of her during that argument. My mother and I have been estranged for over a decade because she had no desire to change and sought counseling that favored sympathy as opposed to personal growth. He acknowledges that his behavior that night was unacceptable and shouldn't ever happen. I guess his remorse and self-awareness is what makes me want to give him another chance but the question remains as to whether or not I'm just wasting my time waiting for him to address something that can't be fixed. I realize I'll learn something no matter what but at what cost.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You're giving me a lot to think about: thanks for that. My mother has a borderline personality disorder and I have to say he reminded me a lot of her during that argument. My mother and I have been estranged for over a decade because she had no desire to change and sought counseling that favored sympathy as opposed to personal growth. He acknowledges that his behavior that night was unacceptable and shouldn't ever happen. I guess his remorse and self-awareness is what makes me want to give him another chance but the question remains as to whether or not I'm just wasting my time waiting for him to address something that can't be fixed. I realize I'll learn something no matter what but at what cost. Keep you eyes open for the ability to learn from mistakes--not just admit them. This takes time to see if the same defenses or unfair conclusions and so forth resurface. Some even have a lot of control but alcohol gives them away. Keep your antanae up--there's no fixing this in the long run. The question is how much is too much. Be well.
Author Shindig Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 It's a tough balancing act between being fair to me and being fair to him. Knowing that he doesn't mean the horrible things he said to me will help when I see it in the future but I'm quite sure that it will catch me off guard every time. I think I'll have to make this the third to last incident of this nature without some sort of expression of empathy or self control during the fact and not after. I feel a little odd making a countdown to relationship self-destruct but I don't want endless chances at the expense of my own mental health. Does that sound fair? If so, should I tell him?
FreeToBe Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 You're giving me a lot to think about: thanks for that. My mother has a borderline personality disorder and I have to say he reminded me a lot of her during that argument. My mother and I have been estranged for over a decade because she had no desire to change and sought counseling that favored sympathy as opposed to personal growth. He acknowledges that his behavior that night was unacceptable and shouldn't ever happen. I guess his remorse and self-awareness is what makes me want to give him another chance but the question remains as to whether or not I'm just wasting my time waiting for him to address something that can't be fixed. I realize I'll learn something no matter what but at what cost. Hi Shindig, His behavior sounds very odd to say the least... Some of the behaviors do sound like he could be a male waif borderline. Do any of these listed characteristics ring true to you? http://www.borderlinewaif.com/2010/12/25-ways-to-identify-a-borderline-waif/ Did the two of you seem to be getting significantly closer just prior to this episode? Something may have triggered his fear of abandonment. If you honestly suspect that he may have an issue with Borderline Personality Disorder, please realize that he will only get worse without a great deal of therapy - sometimes years of therapy... AND he must honestly want to change. Something to think about... FreeToBe
Author Shindig Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Even though the behavior reminded me of my borderline mother, I don't have any evidence that this is a pattern or even that it's part of a cassette of personality traits. We all have fears of abandonment but his don't seem more than average (outside this event). His sense of self is stable, his long term relationships involve arguments and reconciliation without idealization or devaluation, and he's not impulsive. I guess I mean that he doesn't fit enough of the criteria from the DSM IV to qualify as a borderline or anything like it. I might just need more data and we shall see.
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