Owl Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Aha! I see you are not only a realist, you are a romantic one. I heard that there are certain 'boring' chemicals that make people stick with people they are not suited to. Like their loyalty factor outweighs their discrimination. (believe me the science is there - hey ho) Sarcasm ill suits you. Lets forget chemicals. Really I would like to talk to you where that was/is forgotten. Cos it isn't known. How is it "not known"? Seems like there's been a good amount of research done on it, which would be why people even mention words like "seretonin" and such on threads about emotions otherwise? Don't disregard it just because you don't like what it says about your emotions and reactions. That's like telling the doctor you don't believe him when he suggests that sexual activity may have been the cause of the STD you're suffering from. Too many variables. Many other interesting factors. Like what? Please, enlighten us. As for the intense feelings I felt during my A - if that was only MY perception and not HIS - then in one way I am lost. Oh, he probably did feel intense feelings during the A, and even moreso after. Probably some of the most intense feelings he's felt in his life. Adrenaline racing, heart pounding...stomach upset, unable to eat, barely able to think rationally........oh, wait....is "HE" here your H or your affair partner? Oh well, regardless, I'm sure that they both felt some pretty strong and intense feelings of some kind.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 As the FMOW of someone I loved, I wonder if that is what he hopes for with his W. And what I wonder is..if you supposedly "reconciled" with your h..what or why do you sound like your dwelling on this other guy and his marriage all the time?
wheelwright Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 And what I wonder is..if you supposedly "reconciled" with your h..what or why do you sound like your dwelling on this other guy and his marriage all the time? I would have thought that was obvious. I'm obsessed. Sad eh?
KickinCowgirl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 It was #1 for me. The OM tested positive for HIV so my STBX W felt she needed to tell me about her affair at that time. That's the only reason she told me. Damn! I'm sorry Kaysun. I hope you are ok.
Owl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I would have thought that was obvious. I'm obsessed. Sad eh? So then why bother "reconciling"? Why haven't you already filed for divorce?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 So then why bother "reconciling"? Why haven't you already filed for divorce? Exactly..or at least seek some help! Glad to see you admit to being obsessive though! At least thats one admission!
Owl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 The bottom line is that WW is doing nothing, rather than taking any kind of action to resolve the situation. She's not committing to the marriage...not putting her heart into it. She's not taking action to end the marriage either. Instead I get the impression she's just floating along, hoping someone will make the choice for her instead. Which is sad, IMHO, because the situation she's in is one of HER making...HER responsibility...which means she should be the one taking action one way or another. I suspect she's hoping that her H will ultimately just give up on her and leave...relieving her of any need to make a choice or responsibility for that decision.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 The bottom line is that WW is doing nothing, rather than taking any kind of action to resolve the situation. She's not committing to the marriage...not putting her heart into it. She's not taking action to end the marriage either. Instead I get the impression she's just floating along, hoping someone will make the choice for her instead. Which is sad, IMHO, because the situation she's in is one of HER making...HER responsibility...which means she should be the one taking action one way or another. I suspect she's hoping that her H will ultimately just give up on her and leave...relieving her of any need to make a choice or responsibility for that decision. Agreed Owl. Kinda sad to live in a situation like this. I would tend to think that her husband doesnt even know a third of what shes feeling though. Or maybe he's such a lost soul himself..he doesnt even notice or care anymore. In either case if there ARE kids involved in this scenario..goes to show how selfish both parents are. More harm than good for everyone involved. Not sure why someone would want to live like this. Also wonder if she would really NOT care if her husband left her. I think thats a loaded question on its own. Obviously "SOMETHING" is holding her back..whether that be..security, finances..who knows but something definately is!
wheelwright Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) So then why bother "reconciling"? Why haven't you already filed for divorce? H and I are having long and very civilised conversations about our feelings. I am open. It will probably go that way, but there was no chance I would leave him while he felt bad about it cos of A. It had to be worked through. And where we are now, h and I will remain friends. While we split. That means more to me than my R with xMOM did. It is paramount, because of the children, and because of who I am. That wouldn't have been possible if I had left at DDay, and also because he would have felt I had left for another. And also because xMOM made me feel I couldn't trust my feelings. Or I did perhaps. Anyway, we've decided to split and be good friends. I am lucky, but I've also worked hard at that in terms of honesty and behaviour. Mainly the former. Obviously since A, but there were big elements during. I am lucky to have a H as forgiving. I see the hatred for infidelity here, and he has overcome it. He is a wonderful man and I look forward to being his friend, as I have been, apart from a few occasions in the 20 years, for the next 20 also. Edited January 20, 2011 by wheelwright
Owl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Well, I wish you and your H the best of luck. And I can see your point...had my wife and I split as a result of her affair...we would have never remained friends. My one last word of caution would be to tell you that "remaining friends" with your ex-husband will of course pose a potential threat to any NEW relationships you start...as has been seen time and again in threads here that talk about affairs being born of friendship with 'exes'.
wheelwright Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Well, I wish you and your H the best of luck. And I can see your point...had my wife and I split as a result of her affair...we would have never remained friends. My one last word of caution would be to tell you that "remaining friends" with your ex-husband will of course pose a potential threat to any NEW relationships you start...as has been seen time and again in threads here that talk about affairs being born of friendship with 'exes'. I don't know about new Rs. Maybe we will will cope or maybe not. I am not possesive. I want the people I love to be happy more. Although I know what it means to want to be exclusive. It has always been a very voluntary feeling. I am conscious I am not funny enough. So lets say 2 nuts were walking down the road One was a salted
blueroses10 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I firmly believe that it is better for the BS to confess all before it is discovered. It shows that there is remorse and that the BS did have a conscience about the affair. When an affair is discovered, it is hard to regain trust if you ever regain it and if someone tells you, it makes a bigger fool out of you because it seems that everyone knew except you. Also it shows that the WS was willing to allow you to walk around with everyone gossiping behind your back which isn't cool.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 perhaps I'm biased, as my divorce is nearly a year behind me (and I got over it rather quick), but I don't see how this question is relevant. don't get me wrong, I see the glamor present in such a question -- after all, it is interesting. but is mulling such over a sign of hanging on, wallowing if you will; or of letting go? I believe the former; and I believe the former to be a bad thing. seriously, fu*k wayward spouses -- all of yours as well as my ex wife, lol. the way the betrayed finds out is irrelevant IMO, because the method by with a betrayal is disclosed/discovered should not minimize the gravity of the betrayal. to ask whether a BS would've liked to find out one way vs. another seems to imply that one method perhaps qualifies the waywards for more or less sympathy, depending on how the affair was brought to light. again, fu*k those cheaters, IMHO. when I attempt to answer the question in my mind, that's what inevitably pops up: "fu*k that! you're gone!!" same response in every situation. ...that's in complete hindsight mind you. having spent enough time away from the affair & building a better life, let me tell you I'm just happy I found out and eventually did something about it before wasting more time that I may have. BS's, be glad you found out. I sincerely hope the day comes where you bail on your WS. there's too many good fish in the sea to waste time with a confirmed bad fish.
Distant78 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 perhaps I'm biased, as my divorce is nearly a year behind me (and I got over it rather quick), but I don't see how this question is relevant. don't get me wrong, I see the glamor present in such a question -- after all, it is interesting. but is mulling such over a sign of hanging on, wallowing if you will; or of letting go? I believe the former; and I believe the former to be a bad thing. seriously, fu*k wayward spouses -- all of yours as well as my ex wife, lol. the way the betrayed finds out is irrelevant IMO, because the method by with a betrayal is disclosed/discovered should not minimize the gravity of the betrayal. to ask whether a BS would've liked to find out one way vs. another seems to imply that one method perhaps qualifies the waywards for more or less sympathy, depending on how the affair was brought to light. again, fu*k those cheaters, IMHO. when I attempt to answer the question in my mind, that's what inevitably pops up: "fu*k that! you're gone!!" same response in every situation. ...that's in complete hindsight mind you. having spent enough time away from the affair & building a better life, let me tell you I'm just happy I found out and eventually did something about it before wasting more time that I may have. BS's, be glad you found out. I sincerely hope the day comes where you bail on your WS. there's too many good fish in the sea to waste time with a confirmed bad fish. Love this post.
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