For the Betrayed... Which do you think is "better?"

[Fight4Me]

First of all, my apologies for the title of this thread. I wrestled with what to put in place of "better," but I couldn't decide if "less worse" would make any difference. Not enough coffee this morning, I guess. LOL

 

Okay, so my question is simply one for discussion without any hidden meanings, and is not meant to open up any kind of divisive firestorm. I'm simply curious. So, here it is...

 

How would you have preferred to have discovered your WS's A?

 

1. Have him/her come to you directly with a desire to be honest (even if it meant asking for a divorce)?

 

2. Find out on your own through investigation or having stumbled across evidence?

 

3. Have a trusted friend or loved one tell you what they know?

 

4. Have the OW/OM contact you.

 

5. Other (there always has to be an other)

 

With the above in mind, which scenario would make you more likely to consider reconciliation (assuming the WS showed undeniable remorse)? Given your own situation, if you had learned about the A in a different way, would it have changed the outcome of your decision to D or R?

 

I've read a lot of stories and the majority seems to have experienced #2, and given that my fWH came to me and we have since fully reconciled, I sometimes wonder if our outcome would have been different if I had discovered it in another way. I guess I think I'm glad I was told directly because the lies by omission were killing him, and there is comfort in knowing he isn't capable of living like that for very long. In his case, he went six weeks, and it darn near destroyed him.

 

I am particularly interested in those who have experienced betrayal, since people often assume what they would do until it actually happens to them. Anyone can respond, though, but it would be helpful if you make it clear whether you're a BS, WS, OP, are blissfully married, or never been married (you get the idea).

 

Hopefully this turns into a fruitful discussion. I am genuinely interested in your thoughts.

[Snowflower]

Great questions!

 

I don't have time to really respond right now but here are my quick thoughts...

 

#1 was exactly my situation and it is by far the "best" scenario in infidelity (if there is such a thing )

 

BECAUSE...

 

#2 seems to be the most common scenario with the WS being caught by the BS somehow (those darn text messages ). However, my best guess FOR ME is that if I had caught my H rather than him confessing and he showed "undeniable remorse," I would have wondered if he was sorry about having an affair or sorry that he got caught.

 

For me, I think if I had had to catch him in order for the affair to be disclosed, it would have taken me forever to trust him again, and I may have never really regained any meaningful trust in him.

 

IMO, marriages have a much slimmer chance at truly recovering when the WS is caught.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Snowflower
word choice!

[woinlove]

I would say definitely 1, although as you say, until it happens to you, you never know exactly how you will respond. But, even in the case of divorce, I don't understand the WS keeping it a secret if they care at all about their spouse, as anyone whose life is being turned upside down, will want to try to understand what is going on. No matter what the circumstances, wanting to end, change, save or whatever, the marriage, case 1 shows some level of respect for the BS.

 

Anyone can respond, though, but it would be helpful if you make it clear whether you're a BS, WS, OP, are blissfully married, or never been married (you get the idea).

 

Blissfully open married, have been OW.

[Owl]

Good question...and something I've considered as well.

 

In my situation, d-day occurred as a result of #2.

 

And I've often wondered if the "stress" of being caught rather than confessed actually helped my situation, rather than hindered it.

 

Had it waited until she chose to confess...the A would have been much further along, and the odds are that she would have already decided what outcome she wanted...and that outcome might not have been my marriage.

 

I think 'getting busted' actually puts the WS on the defensive...it throws them off balance and gives the BS a slight advantage in the balance of power. Used properly, it can let them be the ones that steer the outcome of the situation, rather than be powerless and forced to live with whatever decisions the WS and AP have already made.

 

If you've reached the point of 'confession'...the WS already has a plan and outcome that they're after...and they retain the decision making power a lot of the time.

 

As far as being told by someone else...that can still count as "getting busted" if the WS didn't see it coming.

 

BTW...I'm a fBS...former BS in a happily recovered marriage.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think this is a factor that can be considered in isolation. The other details of the affair and WS's post-D-day behaviour are much more important IMO.

 

For example is it better for your WS to have a 2 year affair and confess, or to get busted after just one time?

 

I don't think it's possible to generalize to this extent. Even if you say "all other factors are the same"... it depends what those other factors are.

 

Disclosure: divorcing BS

[katielee]

interesting question:

 

I confessed to my BS after just a couple weeks. I was a mess.

 

6 months after the fact, and after it had ended, my BS told the OM's wife. I'm sure it was probably the worst way to find out...

[flying]

Interesting questions. I'm a former BS, now divorced.

 

I think the thing that I'm not sure about is whether I would have divorced my exH regardless of whether he confessed (he didn't; I snooped). The fact that he lied to the bitter end certainly didn't make me inclined to stick around.

 

I do know for sure that the precise moment I gave up on the marriage was when I realized that I had no hope that he would ever be able to be honest. That was when I decided to divorce him.

 

So, if he had confessed himself, perhaps I wouldn't have felt that way. So hard to know, now. I do think that the only way I would have stayed is if he had confessed. None of the other options you listed - hearing from a friend, the OW, snooping - would have reassured me that he wanted anything to change.

 

Although I had always thought, as most people do, that the discovery of infidelity would be an immediate dealbreaker, of course the reality struck me quite differently. There was a period of time between D-Day and my decision to give up - about a month - where I thought maybe we could work it out. But he was still lying to me, still in touch with the OW, and everything I was beginning to understand about the affair was through my own efforts. It was just too exhausting, facing the prospect of never really knowing what the truth was, knowing that he would never just come to me and that anything I wanted to know, I'd have to dig and dig and dig for. I decided I didn't want to live that way.

 

But I suspect that even if he had confessed, I wouldn't have ultimately been able to get past it. The thing that would be different is that I would have been able to move on more quickly, and thus I would have been more willing to forgive him and be left with more respect/friendliness for him. I know he wishes that were so, but it's just too little, too late now. As it is, he has several times tried to contact me, looking for "friendship" of a sort I suppose, and I have always rebuffed him. I just don't see someone who is such a champion liar as someone I'd want in any form in my life. I think he's just a toxic person. I think I would have had a better opinion of him as a person, even if we had still divorced, if he had confessed.

[Steadfast]

It all depends on the individual. If a person is 'caught' cheating, they're obviously trying to hide it. Whether that means they intent to stay in the marriage or not is anyone's guess, but in most cases cheaters who fall for someone else (as opposed to just wanting sex) usually keep it hidden until they are sure the new relationship is going to last. This 'thinking' does apply to women more than men I think, on average men just want sex and women develop romantic feelings. They're ready to replace the husband.

 

My wife confessed, and was more than checked out when she did. Heck, she was working on her second affair when she confessed the first. For her, it was sex, independence, and a sense of reliving her youth. No saving it-

[Fight4Me]

Thanks for all the responses so far. Everyone has presented excellent points, and it seems to lend to what PegNose said about it being impossible to generalize. My situation alone has so many variables that extend far beyond the discovery itself that ultimately led to my decision to reconcile.

 

katielee, I commend you on your courage to post here as fWSs are sometimes more scrutinized than others. May I ask if your fBH has ever mentioned he was glad you told him, or alluded to it?

 

To get back to the main question, I think it would have been the worst to have had to learn about it from the OW. I'd still rather know, though, and ultimately be grateful to have a chance to gain some control in an area that dictates my future.

 

Curious... is there anyone who would rather not know?

[Spark1111]

Number 1 is absolutely the best scenario.

 

Like so many, I was #2.....and it was horrible! I remember reading that text over and over and over until it actually computed into a cold, hard fact that registered in my brain.

 

Here's a thought: My oldest child, a young woman, said immediately: "I think he wanted to get caught," and in retrospect, she was correct I believe.

 

At that point, all my reactions were not the ones he had convinced himself I would have: angry, devastated at the deception more than the feelings and the resultant disparaging treatment of me to continue his justification of the affair.

 

But his remorse was authentic as was his changed behavior towards me and his hard work to repair what had been so damaged by him.

 

As for the other scenarios, I would have been relieved if anyone, family, friend or OW had told me anything.

 

The hardest part of the affair for me, was to operate under a different set of assumptions about my life, my marriage for so long.

 

It skewed my trust of myself trusting my perceptions of reality.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for all the responses so far. Everyone has presented excellent points, and it seems to lend to what PegNose said about it being impossible to generalize. My situation alone has so many variables that extend far beyond the discovery itself that ultimately led to my decision to reconcile.

 

katielee, I commend you on your courage to post here as fWSs are sometimes more scrutinized than others. May I ask if your fBH has ever mentioned he was glad you told him, or alluded to it?

 

To get back to the main question, I think it would have been the worst to have had to learn about it from the OW. I'd still rather know, though, and ultimately be grateful to have a chance to gain some control in an area that dictates my future.

 

Curious... is there anyone who would rather not know?

 

no, of course not.

 

But you would be amazed at the number of people in an effort to help the BS who actually tell you this.

 

Or who say, I couldn't do it. I'd get divorced. (statistically unproven.)

 

You really have no idea how you would react when it happens to you.

[melenkurion]

I found out through #2. I am reasonably sure that I would have preferred #1. Although, I suppose by it being #2 he lost a lot of control as to how things played out.

 

Initially, I did want reconciliation. He did not, he just wanted out when I found out. Now, I do not want him back. I am not sure if the way I found out would make any difference. By far the biggest factor in my giving up on wanting him back has been his appalling behaviour since he was busted.

[LuLu65]

1# is the best possible way to find out.....and would be likely the one where a "true" reconciliation could happen.

 

But for me as well #2 was the way I found out, he wasn't too discreet about things and I was young and VERY STUPID and stayed with him and he continued to cheat and whenever caught begged for forgiveness saying it would never happen again and how much he loved me. >_< After a while I just figured I deserved it..... or didn't deserve better.

 

I lost all trust in other people, even my closest friends. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I keep things bottled up inside, it truly changed me as a person.

 

He did eventually stop cheating.....when the offers he was getting dried up and now admits to how much of a horrible person he was then.

 

But now I'm stronger and have told him I want a divorce. It took too long but better late than never.

[Fight4Me]

Spark, another variable I had thought of that you mentioned... that there are those who probably want to get caught. I'm sure most would rather not, but I still think there are people who make colossally stupid choices who then find it easier to tread water until the Coast Guard shows up. Any self-respecting BS would not want to reconcile with a WS in that current condition, but there is redemption for those who fight hard to discover and correct their brokenness, not just for their BS's, but for themselves as well.

 

I'm not making excuses for any WS, but just contemplating.

[seren]

Our D Day came about because I was sick of the changed man my H had become, I had constantly asked if there was someone else and been told no. He was still telling me he loved me, we were still intimate and we laughed, lots (cried lots too). I knew something was off, but so, so didn't think it could be an A. My friends thought I was bonkers for even thinking it - we were the couple everyone thought were so good together.

 

So, I sat him down, said that we needed to sort our marriage out or divorce. My H kept telling me he wasn't good enough for me, that he was a terrible person and then the bombshell. So, he told me. Had anyone else told me I just wouldn't have believed it. Had the OW told me I would have thought she was trying to get me to leave him and would have questioned why she would tell me. Couldn't be to 'spare me' the pain and anguish, had that been the reason then she would've not entered into an A. I had no inkling there was an A, no reason to snoop, and frankly am not a snooping person., on reflection I wish I had!

 

If he hadn't come clean I would have questioned whether it would have ended without my knowng, although had it been for love, H would have left anyway.

 

Had I caught them together, I would now be doing time in prison. reconciliation hasn't been easy, but I knew that our marriage was strong and that we could work through this. I asked him if he loved me? His answer was yes, of course. Any hesitation at this point and I would have left, well more to the point, I would have made him leave.

 

Had he, just once said he loved the OW I would have said go get her and then I would have gone and got some myself. I could never, ever knowingly share my man, so had he had contact with her after D Day, we would not be here now. Interesting question.

[Linda9999]

Like so many others, #2 was the scenario for me, for dday#1 anyway. #1 would have been far, far preferable.

 

As far as dday#2 goes, I never in a million years thought he had hired a hooker, but he told me he had done so after I found some things on his computer that bothered me pertaining to dday#1. So it was as a result of snooping, but not a result of any evidence being found.

 

I know he never would have told me what he was up to before dday#1 without me finding evidence, because he's told me many times that he is glad I caught him before things progressed farther than they did.

[katielee]

I think the fact that I told my BS right away is the thing that saved us.

And he has mentioned that I did the right thing by telling him so it didn't get any deeper. I was such a mess that I needed the person who loved me most in the world to help me. And he did.

[UnsureinSeattle]

#2 is what happened- #1 would have put a different and at least somewhat more acceptable spin on things.

[flying]

Spark, another variable I had thought of that you mentioned... that there are those who probably want to get caught. I'm sure most would rather not, but I still think there are people who make colossally stupid choices who then find it easier to tread water until the Coast Guard shows up. Any self-respecting BS would not want to reconcile with a WS in that current condition, but there is redemption for those who fight hard to discover and correct their brokenness, not just for their BS's, but for themselves as well.

 

I'm not making excuses for any WS, but just contemplating.

 

This is interesting...I guess it pushes a button for me, because as I recall my exH was actually somewhat angry that I didn't discover the affair sooner (it had been going on for several months), and used that to suggest that I didn't really care, it was my fault, etc.

 

That, of course, made me furious. Because aside from the fact that I was trusting him not to cheat, it also places all the responsibility on the BS to force a confrontation. Doubly unfair, not to mention babyish. Bleh.

 

I guess that's why I don't really buy this (I know you weren't advocating it, just noting) - I think it's just one more way for the WS to shunt responsibility off to the BS for the WS' own decisions.

[Confused4Now]

For me it was option #1 However I had already started my divorce before I told her and I was moved out of the house 4 months. Which might explain after almost 3 years out of the house she still wants me back. But I know me and I'm happy where I'm at in my life now.

 

I know I waited till I was out the door but even though I did my ex has some respect for me cause I at least told her. I think if she had found out or busted me...she wouldn't give a crap about me.

[Fight4Me]

This is interesting...I guess it pushes a button for me, because as I recall my exH was actually somewhat angry that I didn't discover the affair sooner (it had been going on for several months), and used that to suggest that I didn't really care, it was my fault, etc.

 

That, of course, made me furious. Because aside from the fact that I was trusting him not to cheat, it also places all the responsibility on the BS to force a confrontation. Doubly unfair, not to mention babyish. Bleh.

 

I guess that's why I don't really buy this (I know you weren't advocating it, just noting) - I think it's just one more way for the WS to shunt responsibility off to the BS for the WS' own decisions.

 

My thoughts above were more about what I've observed when a WS expresses a great deal of relief having it all out in the open, even knowing he/she was too cowardly to put themselves out of their own misery. The scenario I was thinking of didn't involve said WS blame shifting it onto their BS.

 

You're right... doubly unfair and immature. Cruel is another good description. That right there would have been a deal breaker for me, too.

[Snowflower]

This is interesting...I guess it pushes a button for me, because as I recall my exH was actually somewhat angry that I didn't discover the affair sooner (it had been going on for several months), and used that to suggest that I didn't really care, it was my fault, etc.

 

Wow, total justification on your xH's part. Yuck!

 

I guess that's why I don't really buy this (I know you weren't advocating it, just noting) - I think it's just one more way for the WS to shunt responsibility off to the BS for the WS' own decisions.

 

I can understand why you post this, flying, but I have a little different take based on my own experience.

 

In all our deep discussions after reconciling, I asked my H about the evidence that was right there in the cellphone bill. After d-day, I went back through the prior bills and it was so obvious when the A started. For some reason, my own investigating really helped me make sense of things and I could pinpoint when the A really started. When I asked my H about this, he responded that he reached the point where he hoped I would catch him and make him stop.

 

Now, that could be taken as my H trying to foist all responsibility on to me as the unknowing BW. However, I took it more as he was in a situation in which he had completely lost control-of himself mostly. I found that admission was very telling as to how mixed up his thinking really was.

[Spark1111]

Spark, another variable I had thought of that you mentioned... that there are those who probably want to get caught. I'm sure most would rather not, but I still think there are people who make colossally stupid choices who then find it easier to tread water until the Coast Guard shows up. Any self-respecting BS would not want to reconcile with a WS in that current condition, but there is redemption for those who fight hard to discover and correct their brokenness, not just for their BS's, but for themselves as well.

 

I'm not making excuses for any WS, but just contemplating.

 

Oh, I did not want to reconcile at ALL!

 

Go get her...when I initially found out and kept throwing him out.

 

If characteristics common to cheaters is CONFLICT AVOIDANCE, low self-esteem, and poor communications skills, they do not turn on a dime on d-day!

 

Think about it: They start the slide down the slippery slope; they begin to justify it in all sorts of delusional ways (she doesn't love me; she doesn't even notice I'm having an affair; she is too good for me; I am only a paycheck to her, blah, blah, blah).

 

Now, they have to let the affair partner down gently; I have to give the marriage one more shot; I can't leave the kids, blah, blah, blah....because they avoid conflict.

 

In some ways, I agree with OWL: There is a reason most are discovered via #2 -- They love the way the affair makes them FEEL, but they cannot give up the marriage because they still love their spouse.

 

And they wait until they are caught, or allow themselves to get caught, because as conflict avoiders, they cannot end the affair.

 

So, whether conciously through confession, or unconciously, through carelessness, DDAY forces a decision they themselves could not make on their own.

 

The decision is made for them at DDAY. Either the BS will forgive and work towards reconciliation, or divorce them where they try to be with their AP.

 

A lot of confusion here folks.....LOTS!

 

That is why so many of us BS's believe in affair fog. We've seen out fWS fight there way out of a miasma of confusion, fear, and sadness to return eventually to the person they once were.

 

But trust me, I understand. This journey is not for everyone.

[Spark1111]

Wow, total justification on your xH's part. Yuck!

 

Unfortunately, this is also pretty common: You have disturbed the bubble of the secret high they received from their AP. It is blameshifting after DDAY.

 

My fWS had a lot of misplaced anger too. It made it easy to keep tossing him out!

 

I can understand why you post this, flying, but I have a little different take based on my own experience.

 

In all our deep discussions after reconciling, I asked my H about the evidence that was right there in the cellphone bill. After d-day, I went back through the prior bills and it was so obvious when the A started. For some reason, my own investigating really helped me make sense of things and I could pinpoint when the A really started. When I asked my H about this, he responded that he reached the point where he hoped I would catch him and make him stop.

 

Now, that could be taken as my H trying to foist all responsibility on to me as the unknowing BW. However, I took it more as he was in a situation in which he had completely lost control-of himself mostly. I found that admission was very telling as to how mixed up his thinking really was.

 

That is also how my H describes it Snow: He thought it was a situation he could control that became more, and more, and more, until it was out-of-control.

 

Doesn't this sound eerily like drug addiction? Because it is. The very same brain chemicals are involved.

 

Based on what I have read?

 

Love, schmove.

 

Affairs are very, very chemical in nature.

[Snowflower]

Good question...and something I've considered as well.

 

In my situation, d-day occurred as a result of #2.

 

And I've often wondered if the "stress" of being caught rather than confessed actually helped my situation, rather than hindered it.

 

Had it waited until she chose to confess...the A would have been much further along, and the odds are that she would have already decided what outcome she wanted...and that outcome might not have been my marriage.

 

I think 'getting busted' actually puts the WS on the defensive...it throws them off balance and gives the BS a slight advantage in the balance of power. Used properly, it can let them be the ones that steer the outcome of the situation, rather than be powerless and forced to live with whatever decisions the WS and AP have already made.

 

If you've reached the point of 'confession'...the WS already has a plan and outcome that they're after...and they retain the decision making power a lot of the time.

 

As far as being told by someone else...that can still count as "getting busted" if the WS didn't see it coming.

 

BTW...I'm a fBS...former BS in a happily recovered marriage.

 

This is an interesting perspective that #2 (getting caught) might actually be the better option in some situations.

 

Most here are advocating for #1 which is what I expected when I read the OP.

 

However, as to the bolded part, I don't think my H (and I can only speak from my own situation) had a plan when he confessed. I think he was trying to do the right thing-finally. He told me that "I had to know" and later said he had no idea what he/we would do once he told me.

 

The night he told me, I asked if he he had already filed for divorce since he had been on the divorce bandwagon for weeks before he confessed.

 

So I think in some cases, a confession is another way for a WS to manipulate the situation to their own advantage. However, I don't think most WS set out to be that crafty. I think in many cases a confession or moment of honesty is an attempt at doing the right thing for once.