donovant91 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Hello everyone, id just like to share my current situation. I was with my ex for over 5 years in a long distance relationship. We met when we were 14 and 15 and were together all through school. We quickly realized for it to work out we had to sacrifice a lot. She had to spend less time with her friends, and I had to also do that along with quitting my high ranked soccer team. We would spend every summer together while going through high school, and when we graduated and moved onto colleges we would spend the summer and winter break together. This winter break though, i took that expensive flight to see her even though i had my doubts about coming, and they were proven right when she broke up with me 3 days after i got there and sent me home. She broke up with me because she said she looked at me more as a friend now then a lover. I called her bluff as soon as I heard that and she eventually broke down to tell me she is torn between me and another guy. This other guy was a guy she went to high school with, apparently she had a crush on him the whole time but a mutual friend tore them apart. The other guy joined the army, and they recently started talking again two months ago. He was coming home for christmas to see his family and everyone, and arrived a day after i did. I was ignored and pushed aside for the 3 days I was there, I could tell something was wrong when she would never kiss me, and when she went to see the other guy while i was staying at her house, and came back an hour and a half later then she said. That night she blamed me saying that I wasn't there for her, I never listened to her, and that she wanted to spend more time with her friends and with me she just felt constricted. She is a lot more social then I am, so while we were together I was encouraging her to spend more time with her friends, because she was a bit depressed. She started to become sad about things the last two years of our relationship. If she had a problem we would talk about it, and I would give her some suggestions to help her feel better. After all it was mostly about missing me, and I was dealing with the same thing. After awhile though, everyday pretty much it started to feel more like whining. Rather then say "I really need to talk to you about this" she would just complain about things constantly. Sometimes she was just complaining, other times she actually had a problem. I would listen to it all but after awhile my patience got thin. She wanted results when all things take time. It started to become hard to judge when she was just venting or when she wanted my advice. When I gave my advice she never put it into action, and just complained about everything. She never really wanted to talk on the phone so I was left to judge from text. If I had a problem she did the same thing to me, except I was never the type to complain. She also said I neglected her lately which I admitted to. I was having a hard time in my life and I was also trying to finish all of my college courses early so I could see her when I did, and she was well aware of that. Because of my "emotional abuse", she started to love me less and less over the past two years according to her. Everything was always perfect for the both of us when we were physically together, she was always very happy and loving and never left my side so I didn't really think anything was wrong. We never had fights about things, and things were very relaxed and easy going. Although I wanted to see more of her friends, she never introduced me to any of them except the other guy that she chose in the end 2 days before she broke up with me. I was so blindsided and hurt when she broke up with me. I flew all the way out there to spend christmas with her and her family, and she neglected and ignored me the whole time. She was always texting him while we were doing stuff together, and the first day I got there she was crying and upset because she wanted to see him but she didn't think id let her. I trusted her 100% though, so I let her go and i twiddled my thumbs. The night she broke up with me I was in disbelief and emotionally a wreck. I put so much energy and effort and gave up so much to be with her, we had all these plans and she just threw them all away for this other guy. I basically had to find a new meaning to my life because she was it for the past 5 years. After learning about everything I did wrong, I was pleading her for another chance now that I was aware of our miscommunication. She agreed to, but the next day she just laid in bed and texted the other guy while I was sitting right there waiting to show her things will be different. I eventually yanked her phone away at 3pm and she was "still really torn" She left me again to call up a bias friend she hasnt seen that would obviously tell her to go with the other guy. When she came back her mind was made up, she emptied her bank account to buy me a ticket for the next flight home, and dropped me off late so I had to reschedule at the airport. She then apparently spent every second after dropping me off of the rest of the winter holidays with the other guy. They are apparently already talking about marriage and buying a house together. He left after christmas so shes in another long distance relationship. I apologized for everything I did to hurt her, because I never meant to and I cared about her more then anything, but she never apologized for how she broke up with me and all the abuse she put me through. I have forgiven her for the most part, I am still trying to move on. I know her relationship with the other guy won't work out, he is pretty opposite of me and spent new years eve with his friends getting hammered while she was alone on the computer. I couldn't go cold turkey and not talk to her, I just have to keep talking to her and shes becoming less and less appealing the more I do. She says things like our relationship was immature, and that with this new guy it is a whole new definition of love, and our relationship was just a launch pad for theirs. What bugs me the most is that she also said she wanted to "find herself" and be single for awhile when she broke up with me.. yea shes really found herself alright. I turned down a lot of girls during the time we were together, and one of them was my long time crush before I was going out with my ex. Im thinking about reconnecting with her and eventually asking her out. We've always had a deep connection with eachother because we'd known eachother for a long time, but I lost touch with her when I started dating my ex. Im not quite over my ex though, and only when I am fully over her will I pursue this other girl, but the thought of her makes my break up a lot less painful then it has been. I know there are two sides to a coin, but was I in the wrong with my ex? Was it really mostly my fault? Should I have done more to be there for her?
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I can't see that there was anything more you could have done. Your relationship falls within the time period where you are both going through a lot of changes to find your feet in the world. Sometimes people just grow in different directions and the relationship no longer meets the needs of one or both parties. That's when other options become more attractive, as it was the case for your ex. I would normally suggest full NC (delete and block) but if you find that getting over your ex is much quicker by going the LC, then I won't disagree at this stage. But I do agree that you should wait until you are ready before starting something new with someone else.
homebrew Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 My analysis of the situation... Age, Bad Timing and Distance. I agree with January 100% on what your next steps should be. In 3 -4 years if you find yourself single again, I see know reason why you couldn't look her up and see if she would be open to dating again. That of course, assumes you have dated other people and she still "does it" for you and you two life in the same place. A lot of unknowns... Good Luck and go see what is out there!
Chi townD Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 dude, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that she was giving you signs with all the disrespect she was throwing your way. Texting the guy with you there, upset that you wouldn't let her see this other guy. She was looking for ANY excuse to drop you off at the airport and the first sign of conflict. Dude, move on. She's not worth your time. However, I can pretty much say that this won't be the last time you hear from her. She'll try to contact you in the future. Just ignore her.
Author donovant91 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks everyone for your input. I understand that we were young getting together, and we are still young. I've learned a lot from this experience but there is still that small part of me that wishes she would just say she was wrong and that she was sorry. I think what made it so hard was the way she broke up with me, she gave no signs of nothing being wrong before i left and she was really excited to spend christmas with me. I hope that she does break up with that guy soon, because she still doesn't know who she is yet as a person and I think she really needs to be by herself for awhile. I know its out of my control and I have to move on and I could never get back together with her after what she did, but I guess everyone have to make mistakes sometimes to understand, because they wont by you explaining it to them. Anyone else is free to comment id love to hear your opinion.
Chi townD Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You know what? It sounds like you've got your head on straight. I think you'll do just fine. I'm sure there's a ton of girls out there waiting for ya! Hang in there!
Author donovant91 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 You know what? It sounds like you've got your head on straight. I think you'll do just fine. I'm sure there's a ton of girls out there waiting for ya! Hang in there! thanks buddy, i appreciate it
evilmonkey2008 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 dear donovant, Im going thorugh the same ****. My gf of three years, slept with another guy and now is in a relationship. It was out of the blue, the day she finished me over text she posted pics on facebook with him and her. I mean how heartless was that, she said towards the end she wasnt happy, then she started saying how much of a better man he is than me. I mean my ex has destroyed me, i have never felt so low in all my life. I crashed my car the other day cause i was thinking about her being with him, its just killing me. I hope this new year will be a good year cause im fed up of feeling like crap. But she did the same as your ex did just blamed me for everything, i think its to make them feel better because of their guilt. The thing that sucks is that i still love her, and i lay in my bed not sleeping just thinking about her, but then i know she is sleeping with some other guy, it does kill you!
Author donovant91 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 dear donovant, Im going thorugh the same ****. My gf of three years, slept with another guy and now is in a relationship. It was out of the blue, the day she finished me over text she posted pics on facebook with him and her. I mean how heartless was that, she said towards the end she wasnt happy, then she started saying how much of a better man he is than me. I mean my ex has destroyed me, i have never felt so low in all my life. I crashed my car the other day cause i was thinking about her being with him, its just killing me. I hope this new year will be a good year cause im fed up of feeling like crap. But she did the same as your ex did just blamed me for everything, i think its to make them feel better because of their guilt. The thing that sucks is that i still love her, and i lay in my bed not sleeping just thinking about her, but then i know she is sleeping with some other guy, it does kill you! Yes my friend, I know exactly what you're talking about. I am still hearing the odd detail about her and her new boyfriend slip through the cracks and it does hurt, you're still head over heels for this girl but shes completely abandoned you and moved on. What I have discovered is that thinking about those thoughts gets you no where, the best you can do is do your best to forgive and move forward. Living in sorrow is not hurting her or her new relationship, it is only hurting YOU and the people around you. Whether they feel guilty or not, it won't change anything because you've seen the person they really are now, and you know you can't go back. I know her relationship with this new guy won't work out, I know she will one day look back and regret what she's done no matter how horrible she thought I was, because she knows she is only lying to herself. All you can really do is accept that you were wrong about her, and be thankful for having the life to try again one day. Im here if you ever want to talk, because it was hard to accept reality and it is still a struggle today. But just remember each day will get better.
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