Flying out to see my LDR partner in 3 days, second thoughts..

[Betari]

I am flying out to see my LDR partner in 3 days and I am haveing second thoughts..

 

I met my partner one 1/2 years ago, we met online as many do these days and quickly formed a connection. We met up 6 months later, in Las Vegas. I had booked 6 days there and it was our plan to spend those days together. He was only able to stay for one day / night because of a legit work related emergency. That was disappointing but I still had an amazing time and we fell in love.

 

When I got back home we continued our online routine. I often asked him if we could decide on a time we could see each other again. I worked for the next 4 months, till I saved up enough to see him again, but at the time he randomly had to fly to Europe for work. He was there for 6 months. We talked about me flying out there to see him, but it never worked out because of his situation. When he finally got back to the states, we began talking seriously about makeing something happen. He is going back to Europe in a month 1/2. This time we have a better plan so that I can take trips to see him there.

 

The plan is to see each other 3 days from now. I am going to book a last minute trip tomorrow morning.

 

That is the story in a nutshell, now here come the complications.

 

Complication #1: From the start, we got into a habit of doing sexual things on webcam. I have never been into this kind of thing, but I felt I had to because he cared about me and he routinely told me "it would help us". Yes, I enjoyed it to a certain degree, but I also tended to feel "dirty after". I was going to stop, but after we met and had sex.. it seems like I would be a tease if I didn't.

 

Complication #2: Before I got involved with this guy, I had been friendly with someone else I met randomly from the same website. In some sick twist of fate, it turns out they once dated. When this random guy found out he was upset, and did some things to hurt my profeshional career and I blocked his accounts online. A few days ago, he messaged me from a new email address, to tell me my current LDR partner is frequenting his gay club on a regular basis. I asked my LDR about this and he told me it was true, but they didn't do anything and where mearly aquaintances now. This raises two flags for me because 1. my LDR is a public figure and being seen in a gay club could destory his career (he said it was fine..) 2. He called this "random guy" an aquaintance and I have heard from both of them in the past that they once had a relationship. 3. The fact that he would go to such a specific place when there are lots of "other" bars in LA.

 

Complication #3: This ties into complication 2. He once suggested to me, in the middle of the relationship that we start a sexual relationship with "random guy" and "randoms guys personal partner". I shot down the idea immediatly because it violated my value system.

 

Complication #4: Sometimes I tell him I love him. He never says it back to me. But he says we're "in love". I asked him about us makeing some kind of commitment when Im there next, he intentionally changed the subject.

 

Complication #5: I feel like I am setting myself up to be a booty call and that is not at all what I want. I want a friend, but a lover too. I feel I get that 60% of the time in the situation. He treated me bad for awhile, I was always the one who had to chase him till one day I said.. you have to start talking to me more otherwise I'm done. And ever since he has text / phoned me every day or every other day. I like that he did that.

 

Now that you understand the story and the complications, here is what I'm thinking now:

 

- If I go see him, he will expect sex from me, and because I don't really trust him anymore I don't want to do that. I meerly want to observe him again and not get too close till I decide if I really want to continue or not.

 

- I love him, but I am undecided. I feel like, if I don't go then I will regret it. On the flipside if I go, part me feels like I am putting myself into a dangerous situation that will cause me more stress and confusion.

 

- I've asked people before about all this, and they tell me flat out to dump him and move on with my life.. "find a nice local boy". But I've never met anyone I've liked as much as him, we have a connection I have never experianced with anyone else. I don't know what to do.

[folieadeux]

I think that you should find someone else, but it doesn't have to be local.

 

It's not the distance that's the issue here, it's the dynamic of your relationship. It seems like you want things that he just can't or isn't ready to give you right now. I also think it's unfair that you seem to be the one that's doing all the work (organizing visits, making the trips, initiating most of the contact, etc.). You deserve someone who is willing to be an equal partner in a relationship with you.

 

I wouldn't be going on this trip personally. It sounds like you'll be setting yourself up for disaster based upon the doubts and feelings you already have. You really have to listen to your gut on this one.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Have sex with the guy all you want for your own physical satisfaction, but you are probably dating somebody who is gay, and who, at the very least, will cheat on you if you ever reach a point of lengthy commitment on any serious level.

[eidolon]

H...you are probably dating somebody who is gay, and who, at the very least, will cheat on you if you ever reach a point of lengthy commitment on any serious level.

 

I think you're missing the point here...*ahem*

[JaneDoe35]

I think the OP is a male too...but anyway - not relevant.

 

I don't think this man is the right one for you Betari. This is not a good 'connection' in my opinion.

 

You sound like a really loving and genuine person and the way this man operates does not sit well with you. So don't do it anymore.

[Faded_x]

I think the OP is a male too...but anyway - not relevant.

 

I don't think this man is the right one for you Betari. This is not a good 'connection' in my opinion.

 

You sound like a really loving and genuine person and the way this man operates does not sit well with you. So don't do it anymore.

 

I agree with this. The longer you stay in a situation you're not happy with, the harder it is to leave. I know it's difficult, but I really think you either need to talk this out until you're 100% sure about things, or move on.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The OP needs to come out of the proverbial closet himself then...

 

 

And heaven forbid a gay guy be seen at a "gay club" (oh the horror!!!).

 

 

Had there been more than the one post, some research could have been done, but when somebody goes to great lengths to conceal his/her own gender, while freely giving away the gender of the partner, he/she deserves the confusion his/her writing creates.