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Getting back together but she needs "6 months space" - this is killing me

Exedo

By Exedo
in Second Chances

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Exedo New Member

Exedo

Posted
Posted

I am going through probably the worst time in my life over this, I'll summarise quickly for you guys and then tell you what I am thinking of doing:

 

I am 22 my girlfriend 18, we live in the UK. We have been together for 3 years, madly in love, as close as it gets, inseparable. The number of beautiful memories I have of us together are so overwhelming...

 

She started university in early October, and being that we are about 2 or 3 hours apart, we have always relied on keeping in touch by phone/email/msn/texts a lot while apart and meet up every 3 weeks or so.

 

She got so stuck into seeing friends and going out that she stopped making the effort to keep in touch, and in turn I started causing fights whenever she went out. I really couldn't handle this and I broke up with her about 2 months ago over it.

 

We were both devastated, I mean really, devastated. I rushed into another relationship and realised that I missed her so much and had to get her back and try and work things out.

 

Now we are trying to get back together. She says she loves me and that we are technically "together" but that she needs 6 months "space" or "me time". She won't say exactly why but I take it that it's basically so she can see friends and go out without having a boyfriend to worry about.

 

I said I was ok with the space but as the days have gone on, that feeling you get when you have the girl you love back have kicked in and now I am in absolute agony being without her. I want to hold her and be with her but I can't :( She says that this 6 months will just be talking, no meeting, and I just cannot bare that.

 

I guess I have to give her some credit, I dated a girl that she hates and always insisted I liked during the break up, and I told her a few weeks ago when she told me that she still loved me that I felt nothing for her... I made huge mistakes I know, but I have never been more sure about anyone in my life and I have been pouring my heart out to her hoping she will understand.

 

Things are starting to get a bit out of hand for me, I have had to start taking a short prescription of anxiety meds to help get through this. All I want in the world is to hold her again and know that she still needs me and isn't just putting me on hold until she can be bothered to fit me into her life again. I can give her the freedom to go out whenever she wants but I need to be able to see her otherwise the pain will be too much...

 

 

So I booked a train ticket to go turn up at her dorm the weekend after next when she gets back from a vacation.

 

Do I do this? And show her how much I love her?

 

Or will this make things worse?

 

 

 

I have never been more torn up in all my life, she means everything to me...

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
Now we are trying to get back together. She says she loves me and that we are technically "together" but that she needs 6 months "space" or "me time". She won't say exactly why but I take it that it's basically so she can see friends and go out without having a boyfriend to worry about.

Dude sorry to say, you need a reality check. It's so that she can be single for 6 months. She sees all her new uni friends acting like single girls, riding a different guy every week, she feels left out and she wants some of the action. She doesn't want to be the one sitting in a corner turning all the hot guys down and saying "sorry I have a boyfriend back home". But she is keeping you hanging on because she wants her puppy dog (that's you btw) to be waiting for her when she's done.

 

Do I do this? And show her how much I love her?

Or will this make things worse?

NO, do not do it. She asked for space. That means she doesn't want you showing up.

 

I have never been more torn up in all my life, she means everything to me...

Sorry to say that it's clearly not mutual. You obviously don't mean everything to her. She is a cake eater.

 

Very few relationships last when one party goes to university. Sorry to say yours is one of the casualties. You need to tell her that a 6 month break is not acceptable. Either she commits to you or go your separate ways.

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have some very bad news for you and I hate to be the one to tell you this...

 

You were just dumped and she will not be coming back.

 

So I booked a train ticket to go turn up at her dorm the weekend after next when she gets back from a vacation.

 

Do I do this? And show her how much I love her?

 

Or will this make things worse?

 

No, you do not do this. She already knows how much you love her.

 

Yes, it will make things worse!

 

My advice...

 

Before you say or do anything else... Spend a lot of time on the forums (breaking up, second chances and coping) reading through the threads.

 

Come back here and share what you have learned and ask any questions that you might have.

Edited by homebrew
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Exedo New Member

Exedo

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Look guys, I'm not saying I know for sure you're wrong, but I do know that that is the pub philosophy on these things and that sometimes it's actually more complicated and not about sex:

 

For starters, I dumped her, she tried to get me back but I completely blew her off and told her I felt nothing for her.

 

Secondly, if she just wanted to meet thee guys she could easily blow me off, I dated a girl she hates and always insisted I liked, she is worried that I am using her as a rebound from that relationship.

 

Thirdly, she has specifically told me she isn't interested in anyone else and doesn't want to sleep with anyone else - she just wants "me time".

 

So there are two main possibilities as I see it: either she doesn't care enough about me to fit me in her life anymore and she just wants to go put with friends all the time, or, she has been so hurt by the break up (she had counselling) that she wants to take a break from relationships and get stable again.

 

I'm not saying something doesn't feel amiss, she has never wanted to be away from me before, but I am erring towards it being friends. Thing is, can a girl really be the love of your life and soulmate if she can happily live without you and be equally content with friends for a whole half a year?..

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted
If she just wanted to meet thee guys she could easily blow me off, I dated a girl she hates and always insisted I liked, she is worried that I am using her as a rebound from that relationship.

 

Thirdly, she has specifically told me she isn't interested in anyone else and doesn't want to sleep with anyone else - she just wants "me time".

 

Today, I agree with you 100%... She meant ever word she said. I would even bet MY LIFE (no yours) on it!

 

Tomorrow is a whole different story! Much less 1 month, 3 months, 6 months from now.

DustySaltus Established Member

DustySaltus

Posted
Posted

I can't think of a clearer way for a woman to blow you then by saying, "I don't want to SEE you for six months".

 

You're very young and they'll be many more women for you down the line. Take this as a learning experience and move forward with your own life.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
Thirdly, she has specifically told me she isn't interested in anyone else and doesn't want to sleep with anyone else - she just wants "me time".

Dude you're so far in Denial you've passed Cairo and fast approaching Luxor. This is what chicks tell guys that they are trying to dump "gently".

As Dusty says you're young and inexperienced and haven't been fed this cr@p before, so you're lapping it up. But believe me, this is the truth. She might not want anyone else today but the only reason for her to be single is to keep her options open. Do you want to be the backup guy?

 

There is only one possibility, you're single now dude, and it's extremely unlikely she will come back to you in 6 months. Even if she does she will not regard you as a strong man, she will see you as a doormat. Is that what you want?

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted
Even if she does she will not regard you as a strong man, she will see you as a doormat. Is that what you want?

 

Ahhhh... If only I could be so young and naive again... I would love to have the opportunity to experience and learn what I know now.... all over again.

 

Nothing has ever taught me as much or made me as happy as the experience of being someone else's doormat.... Gosh, I sure do miss those days!

 

If only...

Ajax Established Member

Ajax

Posted
Posted

I think that if you wait for her to come back in six months you're just going to be dragging out the agony. Then when she doesn't come back you're going to have to start the healing process.

 

Thing is, can a girl really be the love of your life and soulmate if she can happily live without you and be equally content with friends for a whole half a year?..

 

You make a good point here. If six months go by and she's fine not being with you, whats her motivation to come back at all? And after 6 months at Uni she's going to change a lot. Not necessarily for the worse, but she will be different, and you won't have been a part of it. And can you honestly say that over six months you're not going to be building up some frustration and resentment towards her? Nobody could blame you if you did.

 

The point I'm trying to make is if she did come back after six months then the relationship would be completely unrecognizable. It would be different, and it probably wouldn't work.

 

I think the best thing to do is treat this as a breakup. Grieve for the relationship. Heal, then work on yourself. If she ever comes back then you'll be a different and better person yourself.

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

Posted
Posted

I am of two minds about this.

 

On the one hand I say go for it. Stranger things have worked.

 

On the other hand this visit your planning won't change the fundamental problem. The fundamental problem is not that she's at uni and wants to ride guys....etc... The fundamental problem is that she's a 2-3 hour drive away. That's a 6 hour round trip. In six hours I could drive from Chicago to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. In UK terms it's like what... You live in London and she lives way up in Scotland/Northumbria or there about.

 

Unless that fundamental issue of distance changes this relationship is doomed. Relationships need to be feed a steady diet of face to face contact or they usually die. It takes an extraordinary relationship to survive long distance for more than a year. (i.e. John and Abigail Adams married 54 years LDR for about 48% of that time.)

 

So give her that six months. Act as if you are single in most ways. Go out and have a great time.... However instead of going NC as if you have been dumped. Tell her about all the AMAZING things you are doing, the people you are meeting, the places you are going without her. While what has she got to talk about? Exams?

 

At the end of that time you may or may not want her and her boring university life to be part of your life.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
The fundamental problem is not that she's at uni and wants to ride guys....etc... The fundamental problem is that she's a 2-3 hour drive away.

No, the fundamental problem is that she doesn't want to be with the guy. If she did, then she would. But she doesn't, so she isn't. The distance etc are all just lame excuses.

 

That's a 6 hour round trip. In six hours I could drive from Chicago to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. In UK terms it's like what... You live in London and she lives way up in Scotland/Northumbria or there about.

LOL... UK geography fail!!!

3 hours from London is about Manchester if there's no traffic. Scotland is 6+ hours on empty roads. In reality, 3 hours from London is somewhere on the M25 :D

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

Posted
Posted
No, the fundamental problem is that she doesn't want to be with the guy. If she did, then she would. But she doesn't, so she isn't. The distance etc are all just lame excuses.

 

 

LOL... UK geography fail!!!

3 hours from London is about Manchester if there's no traffic. Scotland is 6+ hours on empty roads. In reality, 3 hours from London is somewhere on the M25 :D

 

I said six hours.

 

Anyway, even if she wanted him at their age and stage in their relationship, distance would break them up. She should now have to watch him live a fabulous single life. You know turn the tables on her. Let her see what she's missing.

 

At least that'll make her easier to eventually forget... or, she'll want him back. Either way is a good outcome.

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted

For Exedo in this situation...

 

Homebrew says... "It's all over... but the crying!"

marqueemoon4 Established Member

marqueemoon4

Posted
Posted
For Exedo in this situation...

 

Homebrew says... "It's all over... but the crying!"

 

 

you may be right, but your candor is kind of hurtful.. he obviously cares a great deal about this person.

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted (edited)
Originally Posted by homebrew

For Exedo in this situation...

 

Homebrew says... "It's all over... but the crying!"

 

you may be right, but your candor is kind of hurtful.. he obviously cares a great deal about this person.

 

Okay... Since Exedo is 20 and has only dated a couple of girls... He was correct and telling us that we are all wrong. So my candor was uncalled for. I admit it... I am the one that does not understand or "get it"...

 

I am now convinced! So I will try this again...

 

For Exedo in this situation... (because his EX said so... and the rest of us have no idea what we are talking about)

 

Homebrew says...

 

"I am very sorry that your EX wants to take a break. I am sure that you are correct in your beliefs that this break is not a break up. You are probably correct that unlike the rest of us... You have met your "forever" relationship at the tender age of 15. Although a break for the rest of us is the death nail in the relationship... for the two of you, it is not the case. The fact that neither one of you have dated more than a handful of people your whole life... is immaterial. I mean seriously, who has ever heard of someone going off to university and breaking up with someone after they got there? I would absolutely take her at her word that she is not going to accept a date from another guy... much less do anything physical with them. I would also take her at her word that she just wants "me time".

 

What that tells me is that she is going to spend all her time in the library studying, spending time in her room alone or spending time with her girlfriends when no guys are present. Since she doesn't want or desire to date, touch or see other people, I am sure we can count on you to have no such desire or act upon it yourself... If you do fail to keep this commitment (while you are on a break)... it would be foolish of us to think she would have any issue or difficulty keeping the same commitment. I wish you well (not that I need too)... and I look forward to hearing back from you in 6 months with a happy ending. Based on what she told you... Don't you worry one bit! Like you, it is very easy for me forgo logic, wisdom, intuition, reason, my own personal experiences, experiences of my friends and family, all the other people here on LS, etc.

 

From what I can tell... you are 20 or so... I am guessing in 5 or so years the two of you will be getting married. I hope that you will be able to overlook my my earlier posts and still find it within your heart to include me on the wedding invitation. Please let me know around what month and year so I can keep those dates open."

 

Now far be it for me to even think this... But I did want to point out that she has all the "me time" she could ever want or need since she lives 2 - 3 hours apart for Exedo. Your right... What am I thinking... Forgive me... She requires "super duper extra special me time".

Edited by homebrew
paleblue Established Member

paleblue

Posted
Posted

That’s the same line I used on one of my exes, I said let spend 3 months apart…..when really that was my way of breaking up with her and giving things some time to sink in and cool down.

 

I wouldn’t do that.

 

My suggestion to you is start working on yourself. Start thinking about yourself. Start living your own life. This relationship is most likely over. Sorry.

homebrew Established Member

homebrew

Posted
Posted
Okay... Since Exedo is 20 and has only dated a couple of girls... He was correct and telling us that we are all wrong. So my candor was uncalled for. I admit it... I am the one that does not understand or "get it"...

 

I am now convinced! So I will try this again...

 

For Exedo in this situation... (because his EX said so... and the rest of us have no idea what we are talking about)

 

Homebrew says...

 

"I am very sorry that your EX wants to take a break. I am sure that you are correct in your beliefs that this break is not a break up. You are probably correct that unlike the rest of us... You have met your "forever" relationship at the tender age of 15. Although a break for the rest of us is the death nail in the relationship... for the two of you, it is not the case. The fact that neither one of you have dated more than a handful of people your whole life... is immaterial. I mean seriously, who has ever heard of someone going off to university and breaking up with someone after they got there? I would absolutely take her at her word that she is not going to accept a date from another guy... much less do anything physical with them. I would also take her at her word that she just wants "me time".

 

What that tells me is that she is going to spend all her time in the library studying, spending time in her room alone or spending time with her girlfriends when no guys are present. Since she doesn't want or desire to date, touch or see other people, I am sure we can count on you to have no such desire or act upon it yourself... If you do fail to keep this commitment (while you are on a break)... it would be foolish of us to think she would have any issue or difficulty keeping the same commitment. I wish you well (not that I need too)... and I look forward to hearing back from you in 6 months with a happy ending. Based on what she told you... Don't you worry one bit! Like you, it is very easy for me forgo logic, wisdom, intuition, reason, my own personal experiences, experiences of my friends and family, all the other people here on LS, etc.

 

From what I can tell... you are 20 or so... I am guessing in 5 or so years the two of you will be getting married. I hope that you will be able to overlook my my earlier posts and still find it within your heart to include me on the wedding invitation. Please let me know around what month and year so I can keep those dates open."

 

Now far be it for me to even think this... But I did want to point out that she has all the "me time" she could ever want or need since she lives 2 - 3 hours apart for Exedo. Your right... What am I thinking... Forgive me... She requires "super duper extra special me time".

 

Let me know if this is better and more helpful...

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