a giant, miserable clusterfck

[OceanGirl]

That's why it's important to find the most qualified therapist you can, doing some serious homework on what their credentials are and also, sourcing all friends and contacts for the professional they would recommend, one who's a psychiatrist within the field of expertise you need.

 

Serious therapy only gives you the tools. You have to consistently do the hard work, day in and day out until you've literally rerouted your neural pathways for coping. A hard, hard uphill grind that requires belief and discipline.

 

I do believe that there are good therapists out there - there are just hard to find. I have also noticed that when I get some really good advice on LS - it makes complete sense at the time and it would change my thinking for few hours - few days. But I always inevitably come back to my old thought patterns. So I understand how HARD it is to change your years-long thought patterns and ways of coping.

[Star Gazer]

I do believe that there are good therapists out there - there are just hard to find. I have also noticed that when I get some really good advice on LS - it makes complete sense at the time and it would change my thinking for few hours - few days. But I always inevitably come back to my old thought patterns. So I understand how HARD it is to change your years-long thought patterns and ways of coping.

 

99% of the people on LS giving you advice are not trained therapists who know how to provide you with the tools to change your thought process and break your patterns.

 

Those of us who try to do this have had fabulous therapists who have helped us greatly, and we may try to mimick them. However, LS is a very poor substitute for an experienced therapist you can trust.

 

You do have to shop around for a therapist that fits you and you feel comfortable with. I recommend asking for recommendations from family and trusted friends who have gone to therapy. My first therapist was worthless. I found my most recent therapist through a good friend.

[threebyfate]

I do believe that there are good therapists out there - there are just hard to find. I have also noticed that when I get some really good advice on LS - it makes complete sense at the time and it would change my thinking for few hours - few days. But I always inevitably come back to my old thought patterns. So I understand how HARD it is to change your years-long thought patterns and ways of coping.

The advice you're getting on LS that is considered good. Does it really resonate within you as valid? Or does it just sound like the right thing to do?

 

The reason I ask this is because I recall post split with the cheating ex-husband, some of my sessions with my therapist. After a number of sessions, she zero-ed in on my major driving value. This value was non-negotiable within me. After she pointed it out, it resonated so true within me, like an imaginary bell had gone off inside. So with that anchor, it really helped me progress through the majority of issues associated with his cheating and the loss of a dream.

 

But it took much longer than that to get through the minor balance of issues. What was interesting was that I forgot about her anchor methodology but eventually ended up finding a way to anchor for the rest of the issues. The subconscious mind and the power of suggestion is incredibly powerful. She ninja'd me!

[OceanGirl]

99% of the people on LS giving you advice are not trained therapists who know how to provide you with the tools to change your thought process and break your patterns.

 

Those of us who try to do this have had fabulous therapists who have helped us greatly, and we may try to mimick them. However, LS is a very poor substitute for an experienced therapist you can trust.

 

You do have to shop around for a therapist that fits you and you feel comfortable with. I recommend asking for recommendations from family and trusted friends who have gone to therapy. My first therapist was worthless. I found my most recent therapist through a good friend.

 

I would definitely be interested in seeing a therapist that comes recommended. My mum just saw random therapists that she found on google.

 

The problem is, none of my friends or even acquaintances that I know of are in therapy. The idea of searching through a large number of therapists myself seems tedious.

 

I do think that both me and NS would hugely benefit from the RIGHT type of therapy.

 

I have been trying to read up on strategies for coping with BPD (borderline personality disorder) which I beleive both me and NS have a mild case of. The problem is, there is only so much you can do by yourself.

[denise_xo]

That's why it's important to find the most qualified therapist you can, doing some serious homework on what their credentials are and also, sourcing all friends and contacts for the professional they would recommend, one who's a psychiatrist within the field of expertise you need.

 

Serious therapy only gives you the tools. You have to consistently do the hard work, day in and day out until you've literally rerouted your neural pathways for coping. A hard, hard uphill grind that requires belief and discipline.

 

I second this. Therapy isn't the best tool for everyone, but I've had immense help from it. I've tried three therapists, two of them were brilliant and one not so great - but for the latter one I wasn't really motivated, either. It's really, really hard work changing those pathways and you've got to genuinely want to seriously engage with it.

 

I don't mean to hijack the thread and I don't want to start a thread about it, but I only just found out minutes ago that my divorce has gone through. Kind of feel sad about it really. This was a mutual decision. Something I haven't mentioned on this forum is that I still live with my now ex-wife. She needed a place to live as her previous living situation was not ideal. We have remained good friends over the years since our separation. I still care about her well-being it's just that the marriage didn't work out, not because I stopped caring. Kind of feel a bit surreal about it, like my nick name on here coincidentally.

 

Good luck to you both, S. Good to hear that some divorces end relatively amicably (although the living together for years situations sounds really hard). All best for this next phase of your life.

[OceanGirl]

The advice you're getting on LS that is considered good. Does it really resonate within you as valid? Or does it just sound like the right thing to do?

 

The reason I ask this is because I recall post split with the cheating ex-husband, some of my sessions with my therapist. After a number of sessions, she zero-ed in on my major driving value. This value was non-negotiable within me. After she pointed it out, it resonated so true within me, like an imaginary bell had gone off inside. So with that anchor, it really helped me progress through the majority of issues associated with his cheating and the loss of a dream.

 

But it took much longer than that to get through the minor balance of issues. What was interesting was that I forgot about her anchor methodology but eventually ended up finding a way to anchor for the rest of the issues. The subconscious mind and the power of suggestion is incredibly powerful. She ninja'd me!

 

Ah, I wish I lived closer to you so that I can go to your therapist

 

Interesting. No, nothing on LS really resonated that deeply, not in the way you describe.

 

There is one piece of advice that I successfully implemented in my every day life. Weirdly enough, it came from you. You once said that if you have an issue about something and you discuss that issue - it shouldn't be revisited unless there is new information. Basically, I used to go around in circles, chasing my own tail, re-hashing the same issues over and over again. Your advice really simplified my life. To the point that when people attempt to re-hash same issues with me - I simply tell them that.

 

Now I feel guilty for hijacking my friend's thread - but hopefully she is getting something out of this discussion too

[threebyfate]

Ah, I wish I lived closer to you so that I can go to your therapist

You'd love her. If you explain to her the style that works with you, she's more than happy to accommodate while still providing input but only when you ask her for it. I wonder if Shad is asking for her therapists input?

Interesting. No, nothing on LS really resonated that deeply, not in the way you describe.

 

There is one piece of advice that I successfully implemented in my every day life. Weirdly enough, it came from you. You once said that if you have an issue about something and you discuss that issue - it shouldn't be revisited unless there is new information. Basically, I used to go around in circles, chasing my own tail, re-hashing the same issues over and over again. Your advice really simplified my life. To the point that when people attempt to re-hash same issues with me - I simply tell them that.

There are so many ways to accomplish so many things when it comes to humankind. So whatever the methodology, it has to also resonate true within you since we're not all cardboard cut-outs of each other.

 

Oh wow, glad you found it useful!

Now I feel guilty for hijacking my friend's thread - but hopefully she is getting something out of this discussion too

That's why I'm doing this within Shad's thread so she too might find it useful...or not.

 

Both of you zero in on negatives within the threads posted. LS mentality is to also zero in on negatives. So the net result is that for every small victory both of you gain, you're torn down for the rest and by the rest. That's why I'm suggesting that it might be better to find another place that focuses on positivity so it encourages healthy patterns instead of tearing apart hard earned positives, no matter how small. Even when the crowd agrees they're hard earned victories, they still focus on the rest and continue tearing down.

 

No one reinvents their entire coping mechanisms with a few threads and comments. If this appears to be happening, more than likely although not definitively depending on magnitude of problems, it's a complete crock of poo.

[northern_sky]

Ah, I wish I lived closer to you so that I can go to your therapist

 

Interesting. No, nothing on LS really resonated that deeply, not in the way you describe.

 

There is one piece of advice that I successfully implemented in my every day life. Weirdly enough, it came from you. You once said that if you have an issue about something and you discuss that issue - it shouldn't be revisited unless there is new information. Basically, I used to go around in circles, chasing my own tail, re-hashing the same issues over and over again. Your advice really simplified my life. To the point that when people attempt to re-hash same issues with me - I simply tell them that.

 

Now I feel guilty for hijacking my friend's thread - but hopefully she is getting something out of this discussion too

 

Will post more later, but that is a good insight and bit of advice. I think it could definitely help me since I also tend to go in circles in my head.

[Taramere]

northern_sky, I'm going to give it to you straight. I don't think LS is a good place for you in that it's a constant tear-down. You need a positive place, somewhere that will help you rebuild yourself, a place that celebrates your small victories instead of trashing them.

 

 

I agree that it's not a good place for someone who is constantly stuck - and not just because there's so much tearing down. That's one aspect of it. Another aspect is that people are rewarded for remaining stuck. They become board "characters"...and a sort of co-dependency develops between people who want to hear the next instalment of unhappiness, and the character who needs that audience.

 

NS, there is absolutely nothing you can ever write here, nor any response you could ever get that will pull you out of the hole. The only thing you can do is pluck up the courage to dare to do something without all the tools you think you need to do it. To, for instance, accept that you can't use the particular actress you hoped to use for that film and therefore it might not be so good...but using a less competent substitute is better than not doing the film at all, given that you need to do it to graduate.

 

To go on a date and accept that the guy might make negative judgements about you...and to realise that other people's judgements are often just meaningless noise that distract them from their own flaws and problems, and you from the business of living and achieving.

 

You have developed your friendship with OG, so you have something valuable that has come out of your time here. You've come back, you've let people who PMd know that you're okay...and if there are people who want to stay in touch with you, there are facilities other than the LS PMing service they can use.

 

If there are other people PMing you with the aim of persuading you to carry on posting here (regardless of how stuck in gloom that encourages you to be) - whether because they have unrealistic notions of their own ability to counsel you effectively, or because they enjoy the drama that surrounds your threads - then that's probably a form of friendship you can live better without. It's up to you though.

[Kamille]

I think your biggest challenge is that you feel the moments when you feel horrible are more "true" than the moments when you feel good. Moments such as this one, when you're confronted to a setback, confirm all your worst fears about yourself, one of them being that you are somehow a failure. Yet, in the past year, you have had quite a few moments when you reported feeling good about yourself and you also had quite a few successes, that award you won for a short film being one.

 

Eerie is right. Right now you're in the throws of a crisis. This is tainting your perspective on yourself and your life. How you feel now is as true as how you felt when you felt good.

 

I think one of the biggest challenges of depression and fear is that it throws us into all-or-nothing thinking. If your worst fear is that you are somehow a failure, than you're going to spend a lot of energy trying to figure out whether or not you are a failure. You're going to get a high from successes and hit rock bottom when you face setbacks.

 

The truth of the matter is that you aren't a failure. You're human and therefore fallible, but that doesn't make you a failure. You're human and therefore capable of success, but that doesn't mean you'll be free of setbacks. Even great directors produce flops once in awhile (hell, Woody Allen - my all time favorite director- has made flops a genre!).

 

I struggled with depression and I remember feeling like I was stuck in an abyss and couldn't find a way out. At first I spent a lot of time evaluating everything: myself, my actions, my days. Every night I would write in a diary: today was a good day, or alternatively, today was a bad day. Somehow I identified more with the bad days. Those felt real and the good days felt fraudulent. Like it wouldn't last it wouldn't last. I would let the bad days taint the good ones.

 

And then, I discovered hiking. Hiking brought me back to a very basic space within myself that wasn't either happy or sad. It was just balanced, well, resilient. It made me pay attention to small beautiful moments. It was serene. I wish the same thing for you. I hope you find a space outside of the thrilling excitement of success or the lows of failure. A space where you're just free to breathe easy.

[Scottdmw]

OP, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life that is very difficult. Many others have addressed a lot of the points so I'll just mention some thoughts on two of them.

 

I wouldn't say that 27 is that old. Personally, I am 38 and still wondering when/if I'm going to get the family and kids thing to work, so 27 sounds pretty good to me. You have another 10 years before having kids becomes difficult. I know it can be hard wondering if you have “missed the chance” to get a really good person. Sometimes I wonder that about myself. But, nobody goes through their life without making mistakes like this. There is a good man somewhere who, like you, screwed up some things and is now trying to do better.

 

The other thing is, since you mentioned it, I wonder if having had two abortions is bothering you more than you realize. Many people say it's not a big deal at all, but I often wonder if that's really true or if people just want it to be true, because if it wasn't they would have to change what they do. Many therapists might not even address it, but a lot of women do say that years later they realize it really did affect them. That seems to me like it was the case for a girlfriend I used to have who had an abortion. Here’s a book if you’re interested: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/resources/forbidden-grief.htm “Drawing on the experience and insights of hundreds of her clients, Dr. Burke shows how repressed feelings may be acted out through self-destructive behavior, broken relationships, obsessions, eating disorders, parenting difficulties and other emotional or behavioral problems. “

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am truly, honestly sorry you are in so much pain right now.

 

Just a couple of things:

 

No matter what you feel right now, 27 is STILL YOUNG and you have plenty of time to make what you'd like to of your life. Really.

 

If you decide to seek a new therapist, perhaps investigate one who practices Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Or at least look into that genre of psychotherapy and consider whether it might be a good fit for you.

 

I want you to know that I NEVER felt you were "beyond help" and I don't now. I realize that my style of trying to prod you out of what I perceived to be your patterns was not helpful, so I won't continue.

 

Take care and don't even think of giving up on yourself.

[hydorclops]

I just skimmed enough to catch the bits about you making a film in the next few weeks. If you were able to pull it off, would that be significant?

 

You lost your actress. Now you need a new one. You want a non-professional. That sounds possible.

 

What else is stopping you from finishing your film?

 

I'm interested because I have 20 plus years in motion picture production. I've got lots of tricks up my sleeve, practical get-it-done tricks.

[northern_sky]

I am truly, honestly sorry you are in so much pain right now.

 

Just a couple of things:

 

No matter what you feel right now, 27 is STILL YOUNG and you have plenty of time to make what you'd like to of your life. Really.

 

If you decide to seek a new therapist, perhaps investigate one who practices Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Or at least look into that genre of psychotherapy and consider whether it might be a good fit for you.

 

I want you to know that I NEVER felt you were "beyond help" and I don't now. I realize that my style of trying to prod you out of what I perceived to be your patterns was not helpful, so I won't continue.

 

Take care and don't even think of giving up on yourself.

 

Thanks, receiving this from you actually made me feel a lot better.

 

I agree that DBT is where it's at for me. There is one therapist where I live who practices DBT, but she was unavailable the last time I checked. That said, I'm sure I could find somebody who has more of a cognitive behavioral background than my current therapist. I also have a DBT workbook at my place that I'm about 1/3 of the way through. I started it after my ugly break up last spring, but I think I'm going to restart it.

[northern_sky]

UPDATE: Things have been a bit better the last two days. I spoke with the department head about the grades that need to be changed. He lost the documents that the teacher sent him, and at first said there was nothing he could do in time since the prof was a grad student who was now gone. Fortunately I was able to find an email from the student in my archives that said the grade he was giving me. I forwarded that and the dept head has changed my grade.

 

The other grade change is another screw up with a professor. Last semester I gave her all of my work, and then I retrieved my portfolio from her after she said she was done grading it. Now she claims I never gave it to her...! So I need to resubmit it tomorrow. The only problem is the DVDs that had some of my prints on them are missing. I think they're either in her office, or it's possible I threw them out since I thought I didn't need them any more. :/ I may still have the files on an external hard drive, but I can't check now because my new mac doesn't have a fire wire port, so my cable connecting the hard drive to the comp is useless. I'll need to buy a new one tomorrow in order to check that hard drive. If the stuff isn't on there, I really don't know what I'm going to do.

 

At this point I'm pretty irate that both professors screwed up. This is also the second time this has happened with the second professor. And I bugged both multiple times over the last six months to change the grades. They kept saying they'd get around to it. Only now do they tell me they're missing the stuff.

 

Assuming I can find those dvds, I should be OK and taken off suspension. I'm not too worried about that working out. I'm more concerned about my film.

 

I finally got an email back from the actress in response to my inquiry about shooting in her city. She said she is not interested since it sounds unrealistic and added in some low dig about how she's also not confident in my planning abilities, which I found odd given that she was the one to back out of my film. I guess my lack of organization is really obvious, even from afar. Maybe the thing with her mom was just an excuse. Still, I felt like it was unnecessary. I've put in a ton of time with her. Took a trip to NY, paid for an expensive meal for the two of us, wrote long correspondences. Anyway, back to square one finding an actress.

 

Btw, I broke my cyberstalking New Year's resolution to wish J a happy birthday on his wall. I thought that was semi-excusable, but then I saw a link on his wall to a video interview with him that basically reminded me of how sexy he is in every respect. I don't think I have ever met a guy who combines such charm, intelligence, confidence and good looks in one package. Mr. Harvard had a similar vibe, but was ultimately disappointing (more of a jerk, less intelligent). I feel that with J I have zeroed in on my exact type, so it's pointless to date again until I a) get my act together enough to find another guy like him who wants a relationship with me, and b) move somewhere that has other guys of his type. There are no others in my small town who even interest me. I think he spoiled me. If anyone is curious to see the video clip, PM me. We are meeting up tomorrow to say goodbye, and then he's gone. Probably for the best.

[D-Lish]

Will post more later, but that is a good insight and bit of advice. I think it could definitely help me since I also tend to go in circles in my head.

 

We all do Shadow! Often, it's important to realize that there is a fine line between "thinking" and "acting". Being impulsive can be your own worst enemy.

 

You seem to struggle with your potential vs. your reality. But maybe what you don't see (as others do) is that you often sabotage your reality by not believing in your potential.

 

You have all these skills and great insight, but sometimes you stop short when it comes to your behaviour. Ultimately, it's the behaviour in response to what is going on in your head that sabotages relationships and opportunities for you.

 

Some people coast through life without ever having any understanding or insight into themselves- but you have that insight. You can put your thoughts and feeling into eloquent paragraphs that illustrate and reflect how deep you are (that's such a great feat). You just have to bridge that gap between reflecting and believing.

 

I think you're a lot like me in that as much as you recognize your potential, you don't embrace the belief in it. I'm 41 and I am just now embracing a belief in myself!

 

You're like a rookie that comes to the big leagues with all these amazing skills, but you can't fit in with the team because when it comes down to it, you haven't learned to believe in yourself yet, and that gets in the way of achieving- and it sends you to the minors while you figure things out.

 

You're a super smart girl, and you're beyond your years when it comes to a lot things. You know you have the potential (and all of us know it too, or we wouldn't keep responding). You really do need to find a way to believe in yourself, then apply yourself and stick with it.

 

I think if you applied yourself to your professional/academic endeavors and took a moritorium on dating for a bit- focused on achieving one important goal that isn't romantic in nature, that you'd be on the road to build the confidence you need to embrace the "all important" liking yourself.

 

Somewhere along the way in your life, you came to the conclusion that you don't deserve good things to happen to you- and that's not your destiny.

 

If you were dumb, it would be easy to pacify you- but you're not, so kicking you in the ass is a better course of action. I think you need to kick yourself in the ass and find a way to love and accept who you are so you can go forward and really embrace your potential.

 

Trust me- learn to love yourself first, then date. Focus on doing one thing that is important to you and throw yourself into it, you'll find great solace in an achievement. I read a lot of posts on here, and I often read them and think- "Jaysus, you're doomed"... You're not one of those people. Somewhere, inside of you, you know you're not one of those people as well- so find your path to greatness and make a real effort to make it happen.

 

xo

[northern_sky]

Seriously, all of the advice in this thread has been superb. I have already copied and pasted most of it to a word document, so that I no longer have to visit LS. I'll probably stick around for a couple of days to get contact info from people. If you want to stay in touch, just PM me.

 

But I basically agree that my LS chapter needs to come to a close for me to move forward with my life.

[welikeincrowds]

We all do Shadow! Often, it's important to realize that there is a fine line between "thinking" and "acting". Being impulsive can be your own worst enemy.

 

You seem to struggle with your potential vs. your reality. But maybe what you don't see (as others do) is that you often sabotage your reality by not believing in your potential.

 

You have all these skills and great insight, but sometimes you stop short when it comes to your behaviour. Ultimately, it's the behaviour in response to what is going on in your head that sabotages relationships and opportunities for you.

 

Some people coast through life without ever having any understanding or insight into themselves- but you have that insight. You can put your thoughts and feeling into eloquent paragraphs that illustrate and reflect how deep you are (that's such a great feat). You just have to bridge that gap between reflecting and believing.

 

I think you're a lot like me in that as much as you recognize your potential, you don't embrace the belief in it. I'm 41 and I am just now embracing a belief in myself!

 

You're like a rookie that comes to the big leagues with all these amazing skills, but you can't fit in with the team because when it comes down to it, you haven't learned to believe in yourself yet, and that gets in the way of achieving- and it sends you to the minors while you figure things out.

 

You're a super smart girl, and you're beyond your years when it comes to a lot things. You know you have the potential (and all of us know it too, or we wouldn't keep responding). You really do need to find a way to believe in yourself, then apply yourself and stick with it.

 

I think if you applied yourself to your professional/academic endeavors and took a moritorium on dating for a bit- focused on achieving one important goal that isn't romantic in nature, that you'd be on the road to build the confidence you need to embrace the "all important" liking yourself.

 

Somewhere along the way in your life, you came to the conclusion that you don't deserve good things to happen to you- and that's not your destiny.

 

If you were dumb, it would be easy to pacify you- but you're not, so kicking you in the ass is a better course of action. I think you need to kick yourself in the ass and find a way to love and accept who you are so you can go forward and really embrace your potential.

 

Trust me- learn to love yourself first, then date. Focus on doing one thing that is important to you and throw yourself into it, you'll find great solace in an achievement. I read a lot of posts on here, and I often read them and think- "Jaysus, you're doomed"... You're not one of those people. Somewhere, inside of you, you know you're not one of those people as well- so find your path to greatness and make a real effort to make it happen.

 

xo

 

Flawless.

 

-

[Stockalone]

UPDATE: Things have been a bit better the last two days. I spoke with the department head about the grades that need to be changed.

 

...

 

Assuming I can find those dvds, I should be OK and taken off suspension. I'm not too worried about that working out. I'm more concerned about my film.

 

I am glad to hear that it looks like the most urgent problem (school) can be resolved. But you are not out of the woods yet, so make sure you stay on top of this. If you can't find the DVDs, or retrieve the data from the external hard drive, you must immediately contact the prof whose class you took, as well as the head of the department to sort this out.

 

 

I don't think I have ever met a guy who combines such charm, intelligence, confidence and good looks in one package. Mr. Harvard had a similar vibe, but was ultimately disappointing (more of a jerk, less intelligent). I feel that with J I have zeroed in on my exact type, so it's pointless to date again until I a) get my act together enough to find another guy like him who wants a relationship with me, and b) move somewhere that has other guys of his type. There are no others in my small town who even interest me. I think he spoiled me. If anyone is curious to see the video clip, PM me. We are meeting up tomorrow to say goodbye, and then he's gone. Probably for the best.

 

What concerns me, is that (unless I am mistaken) you hardly knew Mr. Harvard, and yet you had this huge crush on him for years.

 

Similarly, with J., you don't even seem too bothered that he is a narcissistic ahole. At least not enough to no longer be attracted.

 

Granted, I have lots of difficulties to see/grasp/understand the difference between a "narcissistic, smart ahole" (not good) and a confident, smart and cocky guy (good).

 

Are you only attracted to guys like Mr. Harvard or J. (men you have to prove yourself to), or do you think you could be just as attracted to the "good" version of a confident man?

 

 

I can't imagine any guy being interested in me given the mess I have become. And I'm not nearly as pretty as I used to be, so I can't get away with not having all my sht together. If I ever DO manage to sort out those problems, I think I will be past my expiration date.

 

You aren't happy with your life right now. To be honest, I doubt that you would be attracted to a regular guy who would be interested in the "mess" (with all your imperfections, problems, etc.) you are right now.

 

You are attracted to guys like J. He has a degree in your field, something you want to achieve too, so I guess he is a bit of a role model there. Also, he is hot and smart. Those are two things that are important to you. Nothing wrong with that. However, you have been talking about your BDD on LS, and how other people view you, clearly affects you. Sadly, you mostly focus on the negative reactions. If people think you are not pretty, it makes you feel bad.

 

I think that a part of you believes that if a guy like J. or Mr. Harvard (hot, smart and successful) would be your bf, it would reassure you of your own beauty. I also think it would sort of signal a "mission accomplished", in that it would be proof that your own efforts have now been recognised and rewarded.

 

At least that is my impression. If that is true, then you would be doing yourself a disservice. You don't have to settle for crumbs just because you aren't yet where you want to be. Besides, hardly anyone is beyond hope, unless they themselves don't want to improve and have given up.

 

Obviously, you want your degree for yourself and that is good. But you have to remember, a piece of paper doesn't make you more or less intelligent. You are still as smart as you used to be. The same thing is true for your BDD. Approval from a guy (no matter who it is) doesn't make you look better or worse. Granted, external validation can make you feel better, but at the same time, outside opinion shouldn't have the power to define you. Something else I was wondering, do you think that guys like J. would treat you better when you are more "accomplished"?

 

Others have probably paid more attention to your efforts over the years, but I do think you have made progress. And as far as children and marriage are concerned, I doubt that you are too old.

 

Just look at TBF, and I believe SB too. AFAIK, they both met their now husbands, got married and had their first baby in their thirties. Mid to late twenties is not too old. I seriously had to laugh out loud when I read that. I honestly believe you have much tougher standards/expectations for yourself than most men who would date you.

 

That's part of the reason why I said I don't think you would be attracted to a guy who would date you right now (with a LTR/marriage perspective). You sound like a bit of a perfectionist and you are being hard on yourself. You'd probably be sceptical of a guy who'd be okay and in love with the current you when you yourself want to improve the current you quite a bit.

 

 

But I basically agree that my LS chapter needs to come to a close for me to move forward with my life.

 

I am often not sure if it is brave or foolish to post so much about one's private life here on LS. I agree with TBF and Taramere, so I certainly can understand why you would leave.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Stockalone

[northern_sky]

I have done some thinking, and I actually believe it is a blessing in disguise that my actress backed out. While she was a great actress, I had some reservations about the fact that she was too young and exotically attractive for the role. I kept trying to revise the script to make that casting choice fit and it wasn't really happening.

[tinktronik]

Shadow, as an honest question here, have you been assessed by a mental health professional for bipolar disorder? Your highs and lows (along with your body issues) sound very indicative of a mood disorder as well as depressive episodes brought about mostly unexplainably. I have a lot of experience with at times an incredibly successful man in his field, a complete failure, and an emotional mess and his ups and downs held his life and his sucess at ransom until he got treatment.

[northern_sky]

Shadow, as an honest question here, have you been assessed by a mental health professional for bipolar disorder? Your highs and lows (along with your body issues) sound very indicative of a mood disorder as well as depressive episodes brought about mostly unexplainably. I have a lot of experience with at times an incredibly successful man in his field, a complete failure, and an emotional mess and his ups and downs held his life and his sucess at ransom until he got treatment.

 

Not Bipolar, but I have had a couple of psychologists say I fit some of the criteria for Borderline, which has some overlap with Bipolar in symptoms. My mood swings tend to be more short-lived and less extreme than a typical person's with Bipolar.

[tinktronik]

Not Bipolar, but I have had a couple of psychologists say I fit some of the criteria for Borderline, which has some overlap with Bipolar in symptoms. My mood swings tend to be more short-lived and less extreme than a typical person's with Bipolar.

 

I see. Are you receiving any treatment or on a treatment plan to help improve your mental health and with it your life?

[northern_sky]

I see. Are you receiving any treatment or on a treatment plan to help improve your mental health and with it your life?

 

I have been seeing a psychologist for about 8 months? now. Unfortunately, I've sort of come to the conclusion that her style isn't a good fit for me so I've stopped going recently. So to answer your question, I need to look for a new therapist. My plan is to find somebody who has a background in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which is the best treatment for people with BPD), or at least Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I also have a DBT workbook that I'm reading on my own. Right now just trying to get my school work done, and when that is finished by Monday, I can take up the search for a new doctor more seriously,

[tinktronik]

I have been seeing a psychologist for about 8 months? now. Unfortunately, I've sort of come to the conclusion that her style isn't a good fit for me so I've stopped going recently. So to answer your question, I need to look for a new therapist. My plan is to find somebody who has a background in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which is the best treatment for people with BPD), or at least Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I also have a DBT workbook that I'm reading on my own. Right now just trying to get my school work done, and when that is finished by Monday, I can take up the search for a new doctor more seriously,

 

That sounds like a good idea. I'm glad you are going to seek out some help and soon. Just set aside the time to focus on things one at a time and after treatment you may be able to better cope with certain things in your life.