northern_sky Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I've decided to come back. Thanks for the pms everyone, and I apologize if I haven't responded yet. I've been really distracted with trying to figure out this mess. I think I will probably be able to clear up my academic standing after speaking with a couple of profs today. That said I feel like hell. I'm basically going to spill out everything here that has been building up for years. I'm not going to even bother with the writing, so excuse my shtty grammar and awkward sentences. It's like there's this constant pain inside my soul that makes it so frikkin' hard to push forward. Every year it gets worse, the burden heavier, my limbs more sluggish. Even just doing small things for myself really feel like an insurmountable struggle sometimes. I've never quite understood this, but whenever I start trying I actually start to feel WORSE. Perhaps it's because i have tried so many times to crawl out of this eight year funk (yes, eight years), and every single time I end up failing. So trying and failing almost seems worse than not trying at all. Yet what choice do I have? Since I was 19 and spiraled into a deep depression related to body image issues and some sort of identity crisis, I have never fully recovered. The body image stuff has mostly gone away, but I wasted so many years out of school or defeating myself that I feel like a complete failure now compared to my peers. When I was 18 I had such a bright future ahead of me, I thought. I was driven and successful. I was at a top notch school, I was the only freshman editor on my award winning student newspaper, on my way to editor-in-chief if I had only stuck it out. I remember one guy I knew said, "There's no stopping Shadow." I had a slick internship at a major magazine in NY. Then I took that medical leave, got a boyfriend and everything fell apart. I became obsessed with whether guys found me attractive. I was afraid to leave my house. Finally, after a couple of years I recovered, but I was left feeling disoriented and directionless. I had a brief recovery a few years back when I was first on LS (summer 2007 to summer 2008). It was after I was kicked out of my first school. I got my act together, made a portfolio and got into another school. I had a really nice internship in my field. I had a boyfriend who I cared about. I felt attractive for the first time in my life. Even the love triangle with my ex and his bff didn't derail me all that much. This is going to sound crazy, but I think the turning point was that ill-fated date with Mr. Harvard right before I started school again. For whatever reason, that sent me into another depressive period. It was one freakin' date. I don't get it. I was positively giddy for a brief period. Happy in a way I hadn't been since I was 19. I didn't even need a relationship with him. I just wanted to kiss him, spend one night with him. Because I felt that would be proof that I could accomplish anything and overcome any odds. And I almost did. But then I cancelled and he got cold feet. To get so close to something I had wanted for 6 years and have it pulled away from me like that was awful. I became extremely depressed, started feeling ugly again, and started off school in this state. That feeling didn't go away. Btw, I know my reaction to the failed date is totally abnormal and fcked up. For the record, I'm no longer interested in him at all. 2010 was my worst year to date. I lost my job. I got another unwanted pregnancy and had to get a second abortion. I lost the guy I was supposed to marry out of the blue in the middle of all this. And he never wants to speak to me again. I met the first guy who truly feels like a kindred spirit and he didn't want a relationship with me and he moved away. I quit my waitressing job in order to focus on school and still wasn't able to pull it together to graduate in time. Now I realize that was a terrible mistake. Oh, and, my actress for my film backed out at the last minute a few days ago (right after Christmas) because her mother is having surgery. I totally get her reasons for doing so, but it still sucks. We were supposed to shoot it all this month, because she is moving to another part of the country at the end of Jan. That's it, I can't use her anymore. I was so desperate, because I feel like she is perfect for the part and it's nearly impossible to find a non professional actress who is decent, that I have considered subletting a place in her city for a few weeks and shooting there. It's actually cheaper there than it is here. I sent her an email along those lines, and she probably thought it was creepy because she never responded. Now I have no actress to shoot this thing, and I can't graduate until it's done. It feels like every choice I have made turned out wrong, despite my agonizing over each and every one. I know in general where I go wrong with relationships, but even my practical life-related decisions turn out to be misfires...and I can't figure out why. I don't think I will ever get married and have kids. I truly believe that. I used to think I would find somebody I loved one day and have a happy life. But I'm too old now, and i have too many problems to sort out. I am too much of a fck up. I'm embarrassed to even date someone, because basic questions like "what do you do?" or "how old are you?" just expose what a failure I am. I can't imagine any guy being interested in me given the mess I have become. And I'm not nearly as pretty as I used to be, so I can't get away with not having all my sht together. If I ever DO manage to sort out those problems, I think I will be past my expiration date. It feels like the light in my life is dimming. Btw, I have been in therapy since last April/May and my therapist is totally useless. I get more useful feedback on LS than I do from here. She never gives me any advice, and I've even addressed this with her but it doesn't change. She has no plan in place for helping me crawl out of this depression. There is no structure to the sessions. I've told her that I've felt suicidal at times, and she sometimes suggest I see somebody else as if my problems are too much for her to handle. Awhile back I started looking into finding another doctor, but I gave up my search. I don't know why. I think I take the failure of this therapy as a personal one. Proof that I am beyond help of any sort. It's really depressing to me. Eventually I started skipping sessions (a month or two ago). Sometimes I think about my ex and I realize that he would never know if I died. And if he did, he wouldn't care. Maybe he'd get one of those sterile messages from the university saying, "we regret to inform you that one of our students, XXX, has passed away this weekend." I believe that he would read the email, and never bother inquiring about what happened to me, or contact my family to give his condolences. Because that would be too uncomfortable for him. Instead he would feel bad for a day or two and then put it out of his mind forever. If he were just some garden variety jerk that wouldn't faze me much, but I know that he thinks he is a standup, nice person and so does everyone else who knows him. And maybe he IS and it's just me. I just deserved this treatment. He will float through life successful without a worry in his head, aside from the minor blip that was our relationship.
GooseChaser Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 (edited) Perhaps it would help you if you took some time away from dating, just to focus on yourself and do some soul-searching. You could work on your issues on your own, and really focus on finding success at school. If you work on the basic necessities in your life, it would give you a stronger foundation for building a stable relationship in the future. It would also make things less stressful if you did that and felt like things were on track. Just have faith in yourself, and I'm sure you will pull through. It really doesn't have to be a rush to find a man. People find love at all ages. How old are you, and do you want kids someday? (It sounds like you do, but just making sure.) Would you be open to adopting if you didn't have the option later on of having your own? I know it feels like you're running out of time, but a husband is someone you want to pick carefully; it's a very important decision, not to be taken lightly, and should be given a lot of time and thought. That man will be the one you will spend a large portion of your life with. Edited January 4, 2011 by GooseChaser
Author northern_sky Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Perhaps it would help you if you took some time away from dating, just to focus on yourself and do some soul-searching. You could work on your issues on your own, and really focus on finding success at school. If you work on the basic necessities in your life, it would give you a stronger foundation for building a stable relationship in the future. It would also make things less stressful if you did that and felt like things were on track. Just have faith in yourself, and I'm sure you will pull through. It really doesn't have to be a rush to find a man. People find love at all ages. How old are you, and do you want kids someday? (It sounds like you do, but just making sure.) Would you be open to adopting if you didn't have the option later on of having your own? I know it feels like you're running out of time, but a husband is someone you want to pick carefully; it's a very important decision, and should be given a lot of time and thought. I'm 27. I think I would want kids one day, and I definitely want to get married.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Dating is absolutely, without a doubt, the last thing you should be thinking about or putting energy into right now, and for a long time.
GooseChaser Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm 27. I think I would want kids one day, and I definitely want to get married. Ah, 27! That makes sense, since you're still in school. I see. I don't think you're too old at all! In fact, many say that the best years for childbearing are between the ages of 25 and 35. Women can also give birth at younger ages, but their lives are still relatively unstable at that point, and it's best to wait to have kids until they have a good home and family to give their lives stability. From 35 to 40, it is still possible to become pregnant, but it is a lot harder. You have plenty of time. At your age, I'm sure there are plenty of men out there looking for the future mother of their children too! Another tip I have for you is to try to achieve small successes to build your confidence. You are NOT a failure. Just keep moving forward and making progress, and that will help you feel better about yourself and how things are going, and then you'll be in a better place to find love. Positivity is magnetic.
threebyfate Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 northern_sky, I'm going to give it to you straight. I don't think LS is a good place for you in that it's a constant tear-down. You need a positive place, somewhere that will help you rebuild yourself, a place that celebrates your small victories instead of trashing them.
ivalm Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 (edited) I'm 27. I think I would want kids one day, and I definitely want to get married. Don't date now. Get kids when you are 30+. Right now your MAIN, in fact ONLY, priority should be getting a job/career. It'll make you more successful and make you more datable. You'll feel better about yourself and have a real, worthy goal. I would suggest you try a career in which there is a future - nursing/pharmacy for example - rather than something in humanities, like film-making, which in your case, sorry to break it, likely has no future. There are 4-5 year programs that can get you 60-70k+ salaries at the end of the day.. It'll be hard, you'll want to quit, but if you want to live, you have to do it. If you drink/do drugs stop now. No more excuses, make your destiny, carpe diam. I'm sure you can be successful and happy! You'll find your man, have children with him, and one day look back at this slump and be proud of what you have since become. Edited January 4, 2011 by ivalm
Els Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Don't date now. Get kids when you are 30+. Right now your MAIN, in fact ONLY, priority should be getting a job/career. It'll make you more successful and make you more datable. You'll feel better about yourself and have a real, worthy goal. I would suggest you try a career in which there is a future - nursing/pharmacy for example - rather than something in humanities, like film-making, which in your case, sorry to break it, likely has no future. There are 4-5 year programs that can get you 60-70k+ salaries at the end of the day.. It'll be hard, you'll want to quit, but if you want to live, you have to do it. If you drink/do drugs stop now. No more excuses, make your destiny, carpe diam. I'm sure you can be successful and happy! You'll find your man, have children with him, and one day look back at this slump and be proud of what you have since become. Oh yeah, AWESOME advice. Tell her to throw away a course she's this close to graduating and is passionate about, and start from square one at another course that she probably isn't even interested in. Of COURSE that's gonna fix things. Nothing like ditching something you love to do something you don't like just for the moolah to get someone out of the dumps. Shadow, I feel for you, I really do. I agree with TBF, though - LS has its uses, but often brings drawbacks as well, especially if you place too much stock in things people say to you here. I think both a dating and LS hiatus would serve you well for a while. As you can see, you did best in your life when there weren't boys messing around with it. Plenty of time to have kids, really. Women can give birth to healthy babies all the way through their forties. Of course there's the risk of Down Syndrome, but the father's age affects this as well.. and how many men do you see agonizing at 27 that they may never have kids because they're getting 'too old'?
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Oh yeah, AWESOME advice. Tell her to throw away a course she's this close to graduating and is passionate about, and start from square one at another course that she probably isn't even interested in. Of COURSE that's gonna fix things. Nothing like ditching something you love to do something you don't like just for the moolah to get someone out of the dumps. I agree. The last thing she should do right now is forgo what she's passionate about and has been working so hard towards. Money isn't what is going to make Shadow/Sky happy.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I just want to say that I'm really glad you posted at all. There were several people worried about you last night, myself included. Please don't scare us with that sort of thing ever again, okay?
elaina Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Hello Northern Sky, You've had a hard time, but that doesn't mean you're hopeless. Beating yourself up doesn't help any, because it just wears you out. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has things they need to work on, and it seems that almost everybody in one way or another goes through hard times in life. Life isn't fair. As my Dad says, "It's a jungle out there, and then you die." Very comforting I know lol but basically, life isn't perfect for many people, for most people. For perfectionists who wish things were always smooth and perfect and neat and timely and organized and not chaoitc, I'm sure that's doubly difficult. Anyways, let's see things that even strangers have noticed concerning you, ok? 1. You are an amazingly talented writer. Not everyone has the gift you have with words. Even when people don't understand you, they like to read what you write. 2. You intrigue people... you are unique and interesting and challenging and intelligent and you inspire in people all different kinds of reactions, which is quite a gift! 3. You are a beautiful person, even if you don't feel like it. You have much to offer the world, and you are learning and growing, just like everybody should. So, thanks for sharing about your life. It is really sad what you have gone through, but you can survive! Life is a struggle sometimes, and I would just like to encourage you to keep your chin up. I'm sorry if I have ever offended you. I did get upset at you for insulting the girl that J like(d). I did not see any good reason for that, even though you do have a gift for writing insults in an interesting way..., Anyways, I apologize again if I have hurt your feelings or offended you in any way. I do hope the best for you and I do want you to be happy and fulfilled and if it is a desire of your heart (which I think it still might be, even though you feel at this point in time that it's hopeless), that you do get married to a wonderful man who loves you and who you love, and have kids and the career you want. I hope things get better soon, and that you dont' give up!
pandagirl Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I know you don't believe this, but I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong with you. I'm not saying this as a slight to you, but everything you've been through -- yes, it's rough and trying -- but it's nothing you can't get through. You've had failed relationships, unwanted pregnancies, problems with your grades... yes! It all fcking sucks! But NONE of that has any bearing on who you really are. What shows who you are, is how you choose to deal with these things, but you'll never be able to successfully cope with all these things unless you believe you can. I was very, very depressed from high school until my mid-twenties, also due to self-image problems, then I got herpes from the second guy I'd ever slept with at the age of 24. It took me until I was 29 to go to my first therapy session. I'm not saying to compare, but just showing you that's it's a long road to finding yourself. You're going to be just fine, Shadow, actually I'm sure awesome. I'm not worried about you, because I know you'll figure it out.
ivalm Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 If you feel you can make it. By all means do do it. If you can finish quickly, then definitely do it. But I'm afraid that you may find yourself jobless and unhappy, and then you shouldn't despair but actually try something else. Something perhaps more cliche -- you can try a career that may be work but pays well and will all you to be more proud of yourself, to support yourself. Men will ALWAYS come to girls like this and will love you forever. The way I see you -- you're smart, still pretty, emotional, intellectual. Heck, fix your depression and you're golden even without profession! But the problem is that right now you're depressed partly because of your aimless and the only way I think to get over that is to get into serious active non-wondering occupation. If film is that for you -- great! It just hard to do. Also, in your interactions don't think about what other people can do for you or feel for you, but do things for them and feel for them. There women who are 30 and are dying of AIDS, that are being raped daily, that really have no future. If you do not succeed, you will be disrespecting those women. One last thing, read about Joseph Brodsky. He DID NOT FINISH HIGH SCHOOL! THE GOVERNMENT WAS OUT TO GET HIM! Yet, what did he do? He continued to write his great poetry, he believed in himself. He didn't pity himself, but rather unleashed himself onto the world. Be like him (and if you're REALLY like him, you'll get a Nobel Prize in Literature; or, in film, I guess Academy Awards)!
paddington bear Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 The point of therapy is to allow you to talk about the stuff that is making you unhappy and then through some gentle prodding from your therapist somehow come to some conclusions yourself about how you can change things. I know that that has been the case for me and friends of mine. The therapist has not given specific advice 'if you do this, then all your problems will go away' (I wish!), more that outside of therapy you realise certain things that you wouldn't have otherwise. For me (and only recently too), I have sat down and thought and written down like a spider chart as to why similar situations keep happening to me. Personally, most of my problems stem from a very insecure financial situation: No money (most of the time) and worry about money and getting work has led to: Not being able to look my best - new clothes, haircut etc. Not being able to socialise as much as I want - meals out etc. cost Being trapped in low-paid jobs that make me utterly miserable and still don't further my live (as they are low paid) Feeling lonely, because instead of being able to say, go to the cinema, browse in a bookshop, buy myself a coffee and people watch, I'm stuck in on my own trying to not spend any money and then I get really, really, depressed - too much time to dwell on your problems is not good. I'm not trying to hijack your thread. I merely point out the above because my finances are the main thing that has a negative impact on everything else in my life. Perhaps if you work out yourself in a logical and detatched way, what one or two things are doing the same to you, you can start to work on it. Look back on things that happened in the past - the bad things. Have there been patterns, similar threads running through them, what would you do differently now with the benefit of hindsight (do this in the future when you encounter a similar situation). And, I know when you are in despair about a lot of things and then one other thing goes wrong, it just adds to the misery, but...you need to work on changing your attitude to bad news. For me the 'what was meant for you, won't pass you by' way of thinking, really helps. For example, the actress. Yes, she would have been perfect, yes it might be hard to find someone else as good. But, imagine in a years time you looking back and thinking 'thank goodness she couldn't do that project, because I got this other person, and she was way better and having her led to this and that and the other' - rather than her departure automatically being a negative thing.
eerie_reverie Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I honestly think you are feeling all this right now because of the issue with your school. Yes, there is a lot there, and it's all true and those are issues you are going to have to deal with later, but right now, the important thing is to get yoru school s!ht straightened out. Then you will once again be on the path to: -graduating -finding a job -leaving your incestuous town for a big city where you will meet lots of new people You have no clue what the future has in store for you. Just focus on what you need to get done to get there, one step at a time.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Something perhaps more cliche -- you can try a career that may be work but pays well and will all you to be more proud of yourself, to support yourself. Men will ALWAYS come to girls like this and will love you forever. Are you suggesting she choose a career path that doesn't fulfill her so that she will gain a man's love through the amount of money in her bank account?
eerie_reverie Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 The other thing I wanted to point out is that everyone experiences setbacks. Most of the time, there's no such thing as the right answer or the right decision, so it's not about being perfect, it's about not giving up. It's the people who don't even consider giving up, that get the farthest. I think you have the tendency to interpret very choice that didn't pan out, as a personal failure. But that's just a choice. Life's a bitch. It's not always going to go how you want. The trick is to save your energy for the struggle. rather than this exhausting self-hatred. I think it would have been wiser for you to get some sleep tonight, rather than scouring your life's work in mistakes and posting on LS, where you can depend on being torn down.Just as it would have been wiser for me to get some sleep, rather than devoting 5 hours to watching porn. But it's what it is. The past is all spilled milk.
OceanGirl Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 For what it's worth, I love you. Your friendship made my 2010 better. I also worry that LS may not be the best place for you now (or for me for that matter). I understand it's hard to stay away. I have tried and failed many times. You are appreciated for all that you are and you are pretty much one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
Surrealist Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I enjoy reading your posts. The forum is quite boring without the likes of you and Ocean Girl. I think I like your and OG's posts maybe because it reflects what I feel about myself and life experiences. Just a couple of comments. I like the post above about finding somewhere that celebrates your small achievements rather than trash them - great point. It will only discourage you further, though seems a lot of advice on this thread so far is pretty good. Are you currently taking on too much at once? It can be difficult to multi-task and maintain performance and positive mindset when undertaking a lot of work and activities with depression. Not saying it is impossible, but challenging to the point of fatigue, disillusionment and possible burnout. I too think you're still young, but having said that, I can clearly recall at 26 years old thinking and worrying if I would ever meet anyone and get married. Well by 27 I was married and though it didn't work in the long run, I learned and valued a lot from it. I also didn't get started until late in life, didn't get my Higher School Education certificate until I was 25 years old and didn't complete uni until I was 30. Still been a struggle ever since in various ways. So you still have good time ahead of you, easier said than done I know.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 It all fcking sucks! But NONE of that has any bearing on who you really are. What shows who you are, is how you choose to deal with these things, but you'll never be able to successfully cope with all these things unless you believe you can. The other thing I wanted to point out is that everyone experiences setbacks. Most of the time, there's no such thing as the right answer or the right decision, so it's not about being perfect, it's about not giving up. It's the people who don't even consider giving up, that get the farthest. Yup. Resilient people know that failures and mistakes are not dead-ends, but rather sign posts in the inevitable journey of life. If you expect them and accept them, you can use them as learning experiences. Most successful entrepreneurs fail many times before they finally find a business that works. Most successful artists and filmmakers make several flops before they win Academy Awards. These folks are resilient because they don't let failures and mistakes stop them. Nope. They use them as learning experiences the same way a scientist uses trial and error as part of the discovery process to find the cure for HIV. And guess what? People who suffer repeated setbacks grow in resiliency. Why? Because they learn that life goes on despite difficulties. Yes, it does. It has no choice. Oh blah dee, oh blah dah, life goes on. And when new problems arrive - as they always will, for all of us - resilient people have the experience and perspective needed to pick themselves up off the ground, dust themselves off, and bounce back. They truly know that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." For some people, resilience is innate. For others, it can be learned. As simple as it sounds, this may be helpful: http://stress.about.com/od/positiveattitude/ht/resilient.htm I don't know about you, Shadow, but as messed up as things are right now, I think you're a lot stronger than you were before all of these sh*tty experiences. Develop that strength, and you'll be on your way.
OceanGirl Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Few more thoughts. Therapy: my mum who is probably the closest person to me has been on my case to seek therapy for years. She was putting a huge amount of pressure on me about it. That was until she had some marriage problems with my dad and decided to seek therapy for herself. She changed 5 different therapists and stuck it out for months. She finally admitted that none of it worked, all she was getting was canned advice. And my mum is probably much emotionally healthier than I am. She also never recommended therapy to me again. Lots of people think therapy is this magic cure all - it's not the case at all. Life: as I get older, I realize that life is full of ups and downs. There were many down times for me where things looked so bleak that I even briefly thought of suicide. Inevitably, things turned around for the better in time. When you are in the down cycle, you just need to hang on and get through one day at the time. Circumstances will change before you know it. And I agree with Star. You are much stronger than you think.
runner Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 . It'll make you more successful and make you more datable. You'll feel better about yourself and have a real, worthy goal. I would suggest you try a career in which there is a future - nursing/pharmacy for example - rather than something in humanities, like film-making, which in your case, sorry to break it, likely has no future. There are 4-5 year programs that can get you 60-70k+ salaries at the end of the day.. bla bla bla bla bLA !!!. with all due disrespect, go **** yourself i'm a scholar in the humanities and i have a future AND a present. the last thing this girl needs is some other douche coming on here to make her feel worse than she already feels. **** you. TBF is right, NS should stay off LS for a bit and just focus on getting her life back on track- with most effective means. LS isn't the place. seek out whatever good people you have in your life, people you can depend on, let them know how drained you are and just let it all out. and by all means, forget about guys for a good long while. peace.
OceanGirl Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I just came back from seeing the "Blue Valentine". It's raw, it's depressing but I think it would do you good to see it. It opened my eyes a bit. It will help you not view marriage and kids as this "holy grail". Marriage is hard work and it seems like you only exchange one set of problems for another (married vs single).
threebyfate Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Few more thoughts. Therapy: my mum who is probably the closest person to me has been on my case to seek therapy for years. She was putting a huge amount of pressure on me about it. That was until she had some marriage problems with my dad and decided to seek therapy for herself. She changed 5 different therapists and stuck it out for months. She finally admitted that none of it worked, all she was getting was canned advice. And my mum is probably much emotionally healthier than I am. She also never recommended therapy to me again. Lots of people think therapy is this magic cure all - it's not the case at all.That's why it's important to find the most qualified therapist you can, doing some serious homework on what their credentials are and also, sourcing all friends and contacts for the professional they would recommend, one who's a psychiatrist within the field of expertise you need. Serious therapy only gives you the tools. You have to consistently do the hard work, day in and day out until you've literally rerouted your neural pathways for coping. A hard, hard uphill grind that requires belief and discipline.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Serious therapy only gives you the tools. You have to consistently do the hard work, day in and day out until you've literally rerouted your neural pathways for coping. A hard, hard uphill grind that requires belief and discipline. This is so, so true. It's easy to dismiss therapy as useless if you're looking to be fixed by someone other than yourself.
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