robf1971 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I want to and probably will. I just don't want to complicate my life more than it already is. You are complicating your life even more, if you don't You are very lucky that the OM is married. Most of these married guys are sad little losers, his wife probably has him by the balls and this is his passive aggresive way of getting back at her. He is terrified of his wife finding out, trust me. Every day your wife is having an affair is a day more foe her to get deeper into it. You are the man, she's crapping all over you and you need to stop this.
robf1971 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 And also accept that your marriage was pretty crappy to get your spouce to look elsewhere for companionship. It doesn't give her the right but explains how it hapened. Of course but all that is for when the affair is over and she has shown genuine remorse. Then you can go into what went wrong in your Marriage.
health Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yes, adultry is a sign of trouble in a relationship. Also I wouldn't know How to act in your situation being together as long as you have. I do know you need to stop calling the other guy a prick - cause this is all your wife's doing - she could have rejected him! Also sorry she's blind, but strange how that happened. Still her mind is all over the place - guilt, down - all those feelings should be for you! As well as all the love, respect and affection - she's leaking her energy. You're a super good man, your wife? Not so much!
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 My aggression toward the other guy is strong for a several reasons. 1: he knows me. 2, I told him months ago to get away from my wife when I first found out, 4 months later it had gotten even hotter. 3: his wife is a wonderful person who also didn't deserve this. 4: this isn't his first picnic as he told my wife he had done this before. I'm not happy with my wife as well but this guy is no more quality than a pile of dog ****. And he is still trying to remove my wife from me. He called her with a sob story last weekend. I happened to be with her at the time. She did hang up on him at least. My wife has apologized to me and said she feels guilty as hell. This prick is still trying to keep it going. So she is making some attempts to reconcile while he is trying every thing possible to break us up. So how would you feel about the ass hole? Yes he is an a-hole for sure. But everything he did, your wife did too. So you have to paint her with the same brush. 1: She knows you too, in fact she married you FFS. She promised to forsake all others for you. He made no promise to you. 2: Did you not also tell your wife to stay away from him? So did she? She's just as bad as him. 3: So your wife was complicit in destroying their marriage, if she ever found out. Your wife has hurt this wonderful person just as much as he has. 4: So your wife would rather sleep with a pile of dog **** than you, that makes her just as bad as him. It's not possible for someone to "steal" a wife. She has to go willingly. If he is calling her up then she should tell him to stop. If he does not then she should call the police for harassment and get a restraining order. It should be her doing these things of her own accord, not you telling her to do them. You need to start laying the blame where it is due: at your wife's feet.
Windsurf66 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 "her vision has failed and she is legally blind." Divine retribution dun be fooled, your marriage is already dead, there is no point beating a dead horse. She came back to you probably becos she realised that the OM was a lying prick who was just interested to have his dick in her holes. Remember, while you were trying to save the marriage, she was leading you on and screwing her OM at the same time. It takes 2 hands to clap, dun push 100% of the blame to the OM, your wife is just as horrible as that prick. Guilt? Its just her BS she can tell that to the devil when they meet
CATS1983 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 it must be real hard after all those years of marrige to just let go, i am in the middle of a similar situation without anyone else involved "as far as i know !" been together 17yrs and she couldnt be bothered to lift a finger to save it just left a note:mad: "Guilt? Its just her BS she can tell that to the devil when they meet" Loved that quote.
norm28 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 "her vision has failed and she is legally blind." Divine retribution dun be fooled, your marriage is already dead, there is no point beating a dead horse. She came back to you probably becos she realised that the OM was a lying prick who was just interested to have his dick in her holes. Remember, while you were trying to save the marriage, she was leading you on and screwing her OM at the same time. It takes 2 hands to clap, dun push 100% of the blame to the OM, your wife is just as horrible as that prick. Guilt? Its just her BS she can tell that to the devil when they meet Pretty harsh, but I must say it's all completely true. Nobody can make somebody else do something they don't want to do. Nobody can turn someone into a cheating, lying, deceitful person if they aren't all those things to begin with. She is completely responsible for her own actions, just as we all are. I'm sure you have had times in your life where you chose not to do things that you knew were wrong. That's what a grown up does. As for the depression with leaving him, it's actually pretty normal. As much as it pisses us off, it's what most people go through when ending an affair, and yeah, it sucks.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 it must be real hard after all those years of marrige to just let go, i am in the middle of a similar situation without anyone else involved "as far as i know !" been together 17yrs and she couldnt be bothered to lift a finger to save it just left a note:mad: "Guilt? Its just her BS she can tell that to the devil when they meet" Loved that quote. Guilt is real, trust me. And she told me about the sex prior to her eyes failing. There is not doubt that she didn't come back because of that. And besides, we aren't together yet. I know the helplessness you are feeling. It is so easy for people in this forum to just say kick her out but they don't realize I still love her. Also almost half of all 1 sided affairs don't end in divorce. I'm nearly 50 and have no desire for another women. Yet I'm so lonely I could die. Good luck
Author hanging on for now Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Pretty harsh, but I must say it's all completely true. Nobody can make somebody else do something they don't want to do. Nobody can turn someone into a cheating, lying, deceitful person if they aren't all those things to begin with. She is completely responsible for her own actions, just as we all are. I'm sure you have had times in your life where you chose not to do things that you knew were wrong. That's what a grown up does. As for the depression with leaving him, it's actually pretty normal. As much as it pisses us off, it's what most people go through when ending an affair, and yeah, it sucks. She has shut off the entire world from her, friends, family and lover. She told me she feels worthless and undeserving. She said she didn't understand why everyone that ever cared for her, she pushes away. I hope counselling will help us both but she is in depression. I've been there for months but have finally found a way to cope. We start to make a little head way and then she shuts me out. Says she just can't move forward yet. I am impatient, miss her. She is my best friend, the person I could always talk to and my lover. In the past 7 months, I have lost all of this. She said she didn't think I could ever get over it. I know I could if we would stop looking back and start moving forward. I realize I have to come to grips with what happened. In most areas I have. Just not a lot of trust in that area yet. I know some will never come back but in time it will get better. So I wait.
norm28 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 She has shut off the entire world from her, friends, family and lover. She told me she feels worthless and undeserving. She said she didn't understand why everyone that ever cared for her, she pushes away. I hope counselling will help us both but she is in depression. I've been there for months but have finally found a way to cope. We start to make a little head way and then she shuts me out. Says she just can't move forward yet. I am impatient, miss her. She is my best friend, the person I could always talk to and my lover. In the past 7 months, I have lost all of this. She said she didn't think I could ever get over it. I know I could if we would stop looking back and start moving forward. I realize I have to come to grips with what happened. In most areas I have. Just not a lot of trust in that area yet. I know some will never come back but in time it will get better. So I wait. Believe me, I know how you feel. I found out about my wife's affair 2 1/2 months ago, and in that time I lost everything you talked about. For me, it wasn't the first one, although it was the first time it was a full blown sexual affair. I know it probably wasn't the first one, but it's the first one I could confirm, so maybe it's easier for me because I could see it slipping away for the last 2 years. But it still sucks. Just take it one day at a time, and if you have to wait take that time to get yourself right. That way you'll be in a better place whether you reconcile or not.
Windsurf66 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 A person does not go blind overnight, she probably knew about her condition and the impending blindness. She is here with you, because she knows her OM is a lying prick and she is going blind soon. But i can full understand your unwillingness to leave her, because you still love her unfortunately, your wedding vows and the fact that she is blind. And she is depressed, simply because she understands that her blindness is her retribution and she does not have any future with her lover. Without her sight, her entire future is gone. She knows you are the only one that she can depend on.
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The beauty of being human is that we are all different no two of us are the same how we handle things amazingly our spouces are the same way. In truth my wife knows me better than I do and I know her better than she does however I cant read her mind and she cant read mine. what your wife is doing is wrong you need to put a stop to it now the problems have been caused and if you have any respect for the OM's wife you would be man enough to tell her. First I understand the kind of love you talk about I pray every moment that my wife isnt cheating on me during our seperation becouse I know I would still take her back and I know how much pain i would be in over it however would you want to know if it was his W that had discovered this and not you. Th bastard needs to be put in his place for one you need to get your wife to change phones with you and to change any line of contact he has to her when he calls and you answer he is goin to **** him self when his wife knows about this he is likely a dead ball less wonder you cant fix anything with him hanging around her edges its only confusing her more becouse you arnt putting a stop to it.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Believe me, I know how you feel. I found out about my wife's affair 2 1/2 months ago, and in that time I lost everything you talked about. For me, it wasn't the first one, although it was the first time it was a full blown sexual affair. I know it probably wasn't the first one, but it's the first one I could confirm, so maybe it's easier for me because I could see it slipping away for the last 2 years. But it still sucks. Just take it one day at a time, and if you have to wait take that time to get yourself right. That way you'll be in a better place whether you reconcile or not. We talk daily. Get along pretty well. She just doesn't want to move our relationship back to any level of intimacy. Suppose it takes time to get over the other guy, sick as that is to say. I have hope. Didn't for a long time. Just can't cast 25 years away. Good luck. We appear to be somewhat parallel. It was her first affair and the way she is responding from her Christian beliefs, it probably will be her last.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 A person does not go blind overnight, she probably knew about her condition and the impending blindness. She is here with you, because she knows her OM is a lying prick and she is going blind soon. But i can full understand your unwillingness to leave her, because you still love her unfortunately, your wedding vows and the fact that she is blind. And she is depressed, simply because she understands that her blindness is her retribution and she does not have any future with her lover. Without her sight, her entire future is gone. She knows you are the only one that she can depend on. You can go blind over night, it is called a detached retina. the other eye is referred to as an unsuccessful laser surgery to prevent it from detaching. She isn't with me, we are still separated. She cut him out prior to the detachment. She told me of the affair prior to the detachment. She said if we had any chance of reconsiliation, I had a right to know. The other guy doesn't know she's blind. I am thankful that all that happened prior to the eyes for the reasons you suggest. She got her eyes opened, (poor choice of words) when he told her that he hadn't told his wife of the affair. I guess they were both supposed to tell their spouces and try to salvage their marriages. He must not have very large balls. Anyway, she sees him in more shadowy light than prior. By the way not having sight doesn't mean you have no future. I believe Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and a host of unknown blind people are or were getting along just fine. It is going to be a huge adjustment for sure but it can be overcame. And yes she can depend on me. So I am forgiving. Figure there are worse traits. Foolish maybe. Christ said at the sermon on the mount, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy." Going with the good book on this one. Still appreciate your comments.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 The beauty of being human is that we are all different no two of us are the same how we handle things amazingly our spouces are the same way. In truth my wife knows me better than I do and I know her better than she does however I cant read her mind and she cant read mine. what your wife is doing is wrong you need to put a stop to it now the problems have been caused and if you have any respect for the OM's wife you would be man enough to tell her. First I understand the kind of love you talk about I pray every moment that my wife isnt cheating on me during our seperation becouse I know I would still take her back and I know how much pain i would be in over it however would you want to know if it was his W that had discovered this and not you. Th bastard needs to be put in his place for one you need to get your wife to change phones with you and to change any line of contact he has to her when he calls and you answer he is goin to **** him self when his wife knows about this he is likely a dead ball less wonder you cant fix anything with him hanging around her edges its only confusing her more becouse you arnt putting a stop to it. Points to ponder. If your wife wants to contact another man, switching phones won't change anything. True his wife deserves to know but I have decided to wait for two reasons. One to get my emotions under control and second to wait until he is away on business to allow her time to prepare to confront him or to lawyer up if she so chooses. I seriously doubt this is his first rodeo. Besides if he's gone, so can a lot of their assets be by the time he gets back. I think she has that right, don't you? The courts can't order it back if she spent it. As someone said, he didn't cheat on me, my wife did. His home front disaster can wait. My wife even told me she had considered calling her but hesitated. Receiving a call from the other women and how she responds is making her hesitate. Thanks for the imput.
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 makes perfect sense to me. I'm glad to here that you are figuring things out I believe if you stick by your wife things will fall into place for you and if they dont you are already on the road to preperation.
Windsurf66 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 You can go blind over night, it is called a detached retina. the other eye is referred to as an unsuccessful laser surgery to prevent it from detaching. She isn't with me, we are still separated. She cut him out prior to the detachment. She told me of the affair prior to the detachment. She said if we had any chance of reconsiliation, I had a right to know. The other guy doesn't know she's blind. I am thankful that all that happened prior to the eyes for the reasons you suggest. She got her eyes opened, (poor choice of words) when he told her that he hadn't told his wife of the affair. I guess they were both supposed to tell their spouces and try to salvage their marriages. He must not have very large balls. Anyway, she sees him in more shadowy light than prior. By the way not having sight doesn't mean you have no future. I believe Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and a host of unknown blind people are or were getting along just fine. It is going to be a huge adjustment for sure but it can be overcame. And yes she can depend on me. So I am forgiving. Figure there are worse traits. Foolish maybe. Christ said at the sermon on the mount, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy." Going with the good book on this one. Still appreciate your comments. well, what i meant was, there were definitely symptoms before she went blind, even for detached retina, and she probably already knew the impending blindness. If she wasn't blind, and if the other OM gave her what she wanted, do you think she will stay with you? The answer is NO. You were clearly a backup sorry but this is the truth based on her actions so far till now, she does not really love you anymore....its good that you felt the obligation to take care of her due to the blindess, you are a good person....but the marriage is dead. Take care of her if you feel obligated, but dun give up on finding love again. You will met someone who will really love you, treat you with respect and treasure you. That person, is not your current wife.
Distant78 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Doesn't matter if she's blind dude, she still committed a horrible crime on the marriage and is using her blindness to screw with your head. You can't let her keep blaming you for cheating when she says she doubts you'll never get over it. You're letting her disrespect you too much. You must divorce her. She's not even 100% remorseful for what she's done and you're continuing to let her walk over you. She has no right to deny you physical intimacy after she put it out for another married man. When a cheater cheats that means they have no longer have romantic feelings for their betrayed spouse. She's only staying with you as a second choice. If she wasn't blind she'd be finding another way to contact OM again.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Doesn't matter if she's blind dude, she still committed a horrible crime on the marriage and is using her blindness to screw with your head. You can't let her keep blaming you for cheating when she says she doubts you'll never get over it. You're letting her disrespect you too much. You must divorce her. She's not even 100% remorseful for what she's done and you're continuing to let her walk over you. She has no right to deny you physical intimacy after she put it out for another married man. When a cheater cheats that means they have no longer have romantic feelings for their betrayed spouse. She's only staying with you as a second choice. If she wasn't blind she'd be finding another way to contact OM again. What you aren't getting is we aren't together. I offered to stay with her under the circumstances, she said no. Said it wasn't fair to me. Unfortunately people have affairs, become tired of the person or find out they weren't all that and go back to their spouce. The difference is most of the time the spouce isn't even aware of the infidellity. This sorry mess is going to take time, I know that. We have been married too long for me to just drop her. I wasn't willing before her eyes. Contacting the other man, she called him and told him she was breaking it off prior to the eyes. I realize this sounds naive but I have to at least try.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 well, what i meant was, there were definitely symptoms before she went blind, even for detached retina, and she probably already knew the impending blindness. If she wasn't blind, and if the other OM gave her what she wanted, do you think she will stay with you? The answer is NO. You were clearly a backup sorry but this is the truth based on her actions so far till now, she does not really love you anymore....its good that you felt the obligation to take care of her due to the blindess, you are a good person....but the marriage is dead. Take care of her if you feel obligated, but dun give up on finding love again. You will met someone who will really love you, treat you with respect and treasure you. That person, is not your current wife. We both knew of her eyes conditions. They were being monitered for years. Just nothing was happening to suggest they were going to do this, it just happened. The other guy is just an infactuation, as most affairs are. The excitement and the clandestine nature is what builds the thrill. She told me thinking about it now makes her sick. Doesn't matter for now her heart is pulled in two different directions; toward him which she told me isn't going to happen. She said she knew he wouldn't leave his wife. And toward me. But she feels so guilty that she wants to be 100% sure that she doesn't come to me to releave the guilt. Plus it would give me false feelings and if we can't work it out, I would be hurt even more. Said it wouldn't be fair to either of us. As much as I hate it, she is probably right. Crawling in bed with me would instll in me the feeling that we are back. I wan't her to want me, not crawl in bed to satisfy me. And there in that is the delima. How do I know for sure? How does she? Marriage counselling better help. In spite of what everyone thinks, a cheating spouce is not always evil. They aren't always setting out to hurt their partner. It happens due to circumstances in their marriage relationship which have gone bad, stale or a combination of both. I acknowledge all that. Didn't give her the right to stray, nothing does but at least it helps explain how the earth was fertilized to get to this point. We are still separated. I offered to stay with her under the circumstances. She said no. Not due to this. She litterly is alone in the dark. And that breaks my heart even more. I know readers see this and don't understand but I am absolutely head over heels in love with my wife. We had communication problems and I made some decisions which hurt her. Never cheated but still was wrong. Now I guess I'm paying for my actions.
Distant78 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 What you aren't getting is we aren't together. I offered to stay with her under the circumstances, she said no. Said it wasn't fair to me. Unfortunately people have affairs, become tired of the person or find out they weren't all that and go back to their spouce. The difference is most of the time the spouce isn't even aware of the infidellity. This sorry mess is going to take time, I know that. We have been married too long for me to just drop her. I wasn't willing before her eyes. Contacting the other man, she called him and told him she was breaking it off prior to the eyes. I realize this sounds naive but I have to at least try. Yes it is hard to leave but if she can't at least be 100% remorseful for her actions and demand respect from her you can't even work on the marriage.
Windsurf66 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Sorry OP. Much as you love her, she doesn't love you, for sure, period.
You Go Girl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You're a reasonable man. You post of a wife's affair on these boards, and there are plenty of men who will try to convince you to walk away from all those years, as if it is their ego, not your relationship, that is in jeopardy. You come here though, that's what you are going to get. You realize that this one affair doesn't destroy 25 years or whatever it is of love. You realize that she reached out to someone else for a reason, not just that she's a bad seed suddenly. Keep doing the right things. Counseling is a must. And eventually, should you decide enough is enough, let her know that you don't want a separation anymore, and that she needs to move back home for your relationship to overcome this and succeed. Her individual needs might say that she continue to live separately, but at some point you might point out to her that you have needs too, and that your relationship has needs if it is going to survive. This doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you will become sexually intimate the second she moves back in, and she needs to know that that boundary will be observed. Perhaps a hug, a small kiss, and eventually some cuddling while watching a movie. Let things return to an intimate relationship slowly. The really intimate stuff can wait. Show of affection though, is a need. That's why I suggest the hugs, etc., and wait on the sex. And I suggest that you make this very clear to her.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 The second that she stepped over the line and broke one of her vows the contract of marriage between the two of you was broken. You have acknowledged and are learning from your mistakes. You are going to take you new found knowledge and implement it in your next relationship, and you can already know that it is going to be over the moon. Her choice, she can ride with you, and if not you are moving on. Life is too short to mess with a loser. Her and the OM do not have a future and will eventually dump her. The way I see it she is between a rock and a hard place. For once you leave and don't look back, she is going to be left all alone. You want to get back at the OM. You say the OMW is attractive. Expose her to the affair and then offer your shoulder to cry on, somebody to talk to
Author hanging on for now Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 You're a reasonable man. You post of a wife's affair on these boards, and there are plenty of men who will try to convince you to walk away from all those years, as if it is their ego, not your relationship, that is in jeopardy. You come here though, that's what you are going to get. You realize that this one affair doesn't destroy 25 years or whatever it is of love. You realize that she reached out to someone else for a reason, not just that she's a bad seed suddenly. Keep doing the right things. Counseling is a must. And eventually, should you decide enough is enough, let her know that you don't want a separation anymore, and that she needs to move back home for your relationship to overcome this and succeed. Her individual needs might say that she continue to live separately, but at some point you might point out to her that you have needs too, and that your relationship has needs if it is going to survive. This doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you will become sexually intimate the second she moves back in, and she needs to know that that boundary will be observed. Perhaps a hug, a small kiss, and eventually some cuddling while watching a movie. Let things return to an intimate relationship slowly. The really intimate stuff can wait. Show of affection though, is a need. That's why I suggest the hugs, etc., and wait on the sex. And I suggest that you make this very clear to her. I appreciate your words. I don't come from the throw away society and do marvel at the number of people who just say dump her. When we met, she was 16. Now she's 43. I was 20, now 47. I simply can't try to win her back. Am I hurt? yes. Humiliated? yes. Angry? no. How you might ask? I gave it to the Lord and quite honestly I feel like a load has been removed from me. But I also understand people who are not believers wouldn't understand that either. I see her about 3 times a week. In the car I hold her hand, she lets me. When I leave, we kiss and share a hug. I want more obviously but also realize that it would be disasterous if our relationship wasn't healed first. We are going to a new counselor and I pray that he helps. The first one refused to talk about the affair. What a joke. She cashed the checks though.
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