hanging on for now Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 My wife had an affair after we separated. She had contact with the individual prior to our separation which when I found out, expidited the exit. That was August. During the time of our separation, we have been in and out of counseling. I don't know if it helped but at least I know what about me was bothering her and most of it was accurate. I have either changed the things or am in the process of doing so. I kept trying to get her to give us another chance, not realizing that she was actively seeing the other guy during that time if you get my drift. But then in October, she started to have gulity feelings toward me as well as the guys wife. She told me saying if we had any chance of succeeding, I had a right to know. I have worked through the steps, shock, humiliation, used, dejected, angry and acceptance rather quickly for a lot of these were felt when I first found out that she was in contact with him, even prior to it becoming physical. Now I am still trying to save our marriage for I love her more than I hate what happened. I know most will say I'm stupid but I simply can't let her go. We have been together 26 years and married 25. Fortunately our kids are grown. She finally admitted to me tonight that she is holding back due to being conflicted; over what to do, the guilt of going against her religious beliefs and her marriage vows. She said she is scared that I will attempt to punish her for the affair or never be able to get over it. She said she is terrified that we will get back together, both be miserable and it will be literally a prison. I have assured her that nothing of the like will happen. I'm willing to move to get away from our small town and the scandle which is following her. I suppose I'm just wanting to tell someone what I'm doing. There isn't anyone here I can console with.
PegNosePete Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 She finally admitted to me tonight that she is holding back due to being conflicted; over what to do, the guilt of going against her religious beliefs and her marriage vows. She said she is scared that I will attempt to punish her for the affair or never be able to get over it. She said she is terrified that we will get back together, both be miserable and it will be literally a prison. I have assured her that nothing of the like will happen. I'm willing to move to get away from our small town and the scandle which is following her. I suppose I'm just wanting to tell someone what I'm doing. There isn't anyone here I can console with. Dude sorry to say, you're being a doormat. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage she needs to put her money where her mouth is and get her a$$ back right now. If she is really committed to reconciliation then she will willingly accept whatever consequences or changes you decide to implement (and there WILL be consequences of her actions). If she is not prepared to accept this, and is looking for a "free pass", then she is not committed enough to making your marriage work... she will most likely stray again at the next available opportunity. What you've told her is basically that you will forget about it, nothing has changed, and she has gotten away with walking all over you, lying to you for months on end, and treating you like a piece of garbage. It's time to man up dude.
2010_Sorry Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I've heard from a few people and through several books that neither party can even consider a reconciliation until they have both individually healed from this type of betrayal. It sounds like she is still struggling with her actions (and rightfully so), but she has to learn to forgive herself and try to understand WHY this happened in the first place. Until she can learn to love herself again, she is in no shape to love you the way you deserve to be loved. PegNose is right in that if you take her back before she has worked through those issues, she is not committed enough to make this work. You are... but she is just not ready. You need her FULLY 110% ready.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Dude sorry to say, you're being a doormat. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage she needs to put her money where her mouth is and get her a$$ back right now. If she is really committed to reconciliation then she will willingly accept whatever consequences or changes you decide to implement (and there WILL be consequences of her actions). If she is not prepared to accept this, and is looking for a "free pass", then she is not committed enough to making your marriage work... she will most likely stray again at the next available opportunity. What you've told her is basically that you will forget about it, nothing has changed, and she has gotten away with walking all over you, lying to you for months on end, and treating you like a piece of garbage. It's time to man up dude. I know what you're are saying but I didn't go into great detail as to what got us here. As I said, much is my fault. That doesn't give her the right to stray and as I told her, neither of us get a "mulligan". I suppose it is difficult for someone to understand a love this strong. To me only two types are stronger; a mother with a child and of course God to his followers. I never said I was forgetting about what happened and it will be years before I can fully trust her if ever. But I can't imagine living my life without her. She's the first thing I think about when I get up and the last thing before I go to bed. Even with all the crap, I am still head over heels in love with my wife. But I do thank you for the advise.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I've heard from a few people and through several books that neither party can even consider a reconciliation until they have both individually healed from this type of betrayal. It sounds like she is still struggling with her actions (and rightfully so), but she has to learn to forgive herself and try to understand WHY this happened in the first place. Until she can learn to love herself again, she is in no shape to love you the way you deserve to be loved. PegNose is right in that if you take her back before she has worked through those issues, she is not committed enough to make this work. You are... but she is just not ready. You need her FULLY 110% ready. I have told her the exact same thing. I also told her that she had to completely break ties with the other guy. He asked her to marry him but hasn't broken the news to his wife and no this isn't Utah. Her best friend told her that he is just telling her what she wants to hear to stay in her pants. I can't tell her that but it's reality. Bottom line, I miss my wife and I know if I find out they are together again, I'm done. But I have to give us another shot. She is too important to me not to.
2010_Sorry Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I have told her the exact same thing. I also told her that she had to completely break ties with the other guy. He asked her to marry him but hasn't broken the news to his wife and no this isn't Utah. Her best friend told her that he is just telling her what she wants to hear to stay in her pants. I can't tell her that but it's reality. Wow, this guy seems like a real class act. Have you thought about the two of you confronting he and his wife? Probably could be a scary situation, but it would certainly show your wife's committment to your marriage.. and it would show that POS that your wife is serious. Bottom line, I miss my wife and I know if I find out they are together again, I'm done. But I have to give us another shot. She is too important to me not to. I commend you for wanting to at least try. I'm sure you realize that the road ahead is very difficult. You will get a lot of advice on this site to leave her... and that is because a second, third, fourth chance did not work for them. There is no saying that it cannot work for you. Everyone's story is a little different. Be patient, be watchful and be guarded. Best of luck to you!
GorillaTheater Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 You can't make your decisions based on fear. For one thing, we tend to make pretty lousy decisions when they're based on fear. For another, and this is important, fear is not attractive to your wife. I won't debate with you your choice to want her back (I've been married 27 years so I know how strong those bonds can be) but one thing I can tell you with a high degree of certainty is that the best chance you have to get her back is operate from a position of cool, calm strength. THAT's what your wife likely finds attractive. Love in a marriage is based at least in part on respect, and how can she respect you if you don't respect yourself? And a large part of self-respect is knowing that you are the prize; that you are worth fighting for and that you deserve better. Why should you want to be with someone who's not committed to being with you? That's the message you want to convey to her. That if she's not all-in, you're moving on, ASAP. You're NOBODY'S option or back-up plan. Seems counter-intuitive, right? But no more counter-intuitive than wanting to be with someone who's had an affair and isn't sure that she wants to be with you. Strange stuff, this "attraction" business. But ignore the concept at your peril. It's time to let her feel some fear, namely at the prospect at not being able to get you back.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Wow, this guy seems like a real class act. Have you thought about the two of you confronting he and his wife? Probably could be a scary situation, but it would certainly show your wife's committment to your marriage.. and it would show that POS that your wife is serious. I commend you for wanting to at least try. I'm sure you realize that the road ahead is very difficult. You will get a lot of advice on this site to leave her... and that is because a second, third, fourth chance did not work for them. There is no saying that it cannot work for you. Everyone's story is a little different. Be patient, be watchful and be guarded. Best of luck to you! The road ahead looks like an Andies Mountain dirt path with pot holes and a shear drop. My brakes are bad and I have to speed. Oh and it's raining and my wipers are bad. I get it. I also know that there is life after separation or divorce. It just isn't the way I'm wired. I truly appreciate your insite.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 You can't make your decisions based on fear. For one thing, we tend to make pretty lousy decisions when they're based on fear. For another, and this is important, fear is not attractive to your wife. I won't debate with you your choice to want her back (I've been married 27 years so I know how strong those bonds can be) but one thing I can tell you with a high degree of certainty is that the best chance you have to get her back is operate from a position of cool, calm strength. THAT's what your wife likely finds attractive. Love in a marriage is based at least in part on respect, and how can she respect you if you don't respect yourself? And a large part of self-respect is knowing that you are the prize; that you are worth fighting for and that you deserve better. Why should you want to be with someone who's not committed to being with you? That's the message you want to convey to her. That if she's not all-in, you're moving on, ASAP. You're NOBODY'S option or back-up plan. Seems counter-intuitive, right? But no more counter-intuitive than wanting to be with someone who's had an affair and isn't sure that she wants to be with you. Strange stuff, this "attraction" business. But ignore the concept at your peril. It's time to let her feel some fear, namely at the prospect at not being able to get you back. I have debated about trying the stern, this is how it's going to be approach. I just have in the back of my mind a thought that she early on was hoping for that to give her a reason to exit. I made a decision early on to not be the reason our marriage failed. I have been hit on by a very attractive younger women that knows us both. She wants my wallet more than my body and believe me, after 6 months, the crack of dawn is inspiring. But I made a promise to her and before God that I would forsake all others and tell death do we part. One of us screwing up is enough. I understand that the affair was caused by our crappy relationship. I do wish for the jerk to have his skin peeled from his forhead to his toes by a cheese slicer. And I have debated with telling his wife. She has a right to know. Still I don't want to complicate my relationship any more. Thanks for the insite.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I just have in the back of my mind a thought that she early on was hoping for that to give her a reason to exit. If she's hoping for a reason to exit then you don't have a snowball's chance in hell anyway. I understand that the affair was caused by our crappy relationship. I do wish for the jerk to have his skin peeled from his forhead to his toes by a cheese slicer. No, the affair was caused by your wife. She broke her marriage vows, the same ones you made, before God to forsake all others etc. You can take the blame for your bad relationship if you want (more likely it is 50/50), but the affair is 100% her fault. You seem to have a lot of aggression towards the other man, why not towards your wife? She is the one who promised to forsake all others, not him. He made no promise to you. Yeah he is a jerk but your wife is the one who betrayed you so she is the one you should be most angry with.
robf1971 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 . And I have debated with telling his wife. She has a right to know. Er, wake up, you need to do this!! There is a better 80% chance that once his (OM's) wifey knows, he will drop your wife like a sack of sh*t. At this point she will come running back to you, it is at this point you make her walk over hot coals to win you back.. CALL OM's WIFE!!!!!!!
fltc Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 He asked her to marry him but hasn't broken the news to his wife and no this isn't Utah. Bigamy is illegal in Utah just as it is in any other state, why pick on Utah?
seibert253 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm sorry, but unless you have a 100% REMORSEFUL, (not regretful), W, your M will not heal. Judging by what you've said, it's apparent you wish to heal your M and move ahead, I'm not convinced she feels the same. True remorse is evident by the deep seated desire to do "whatever it takes" to right the wrong. I don't see this in your W. Unless she shares the same commitment you do, your M will flounder and eventually crash. I know you want to do any and everything to save your M, and I commend you for that commitment. HOWEVER, if you W doesn't share that same commitment, you're wasting your time my friend. I would tread carefully until you see true remorse and 100% commitment from your W. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Consult an attorney and prepare for S and D. This works in several ways: 1. You are ahead of the game, and you are protecting yourself 2. You are showing her you are not a doormat, and if she wants to remain M'd to you she needs to; "sh#t or get off the pot". Consulting with an attorney doesn't mean you have to follow through with S or D, just shows you are no longer playing games, and this is no longer about her finding herself or figuring out what she wants to do. This is about YOU. Best of Luck.
seibert253 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Oh, and I forgot to inquire, is your W in NC with the OM? If she's not, well then YOU ARE wasting your time. This should be the 1st thing she does before you even CONSIDER staying with her. Period. Also. You need to inform the OM's W what was/is going on. She has a right to know what her H did. She can also be a valuable allie in assisting you in this journey. Peace,
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 If she's hoping for a reason to exit then you don't have a snowball's chance in hell anyway. No, the affair was caused by your wife. She broke her marriage vows, the same ones you made, before God to forsake all others etc. You can take the blame for your bad relationship if you want (more likely it is 50/50), but the affair is 100% her fault. You seem to have a lot of aggression towards the other man, why not towards your wife? She is the one who promised to forsake all others, not him. He made no promise to you. Yeah he is a jerk but your wife is the one who betrayed you so she is the one you should be most angry with. My aggression toward the other guy is strong for a several reasons. 1: he knows me. 2, I told him months ago to get away from my wife when I first found out, 4 months later it had gotten even hotter. 3: his wife is a wonderful person who also didn't deserve this. 4: this isn't his first picnic as he told my wife he had done this before. I'm not happy with my wife as well but this guy is no more quality than a pile of dog ****. And he is still trying to remove my wife from me. He called her with a sob story last weekend. I happened to be with her at the time. She did hang up on him at least. My wife has apologized to me and said she feels guilty as hell. This prick is still trying to keep it going. So she is making some attempts to reconcile while he is trying every thing possible to break us up. So how would you feel about the ass hole?
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Er, wake up, you need to do this!! There is a better 80% chance that once his (OM's) wifey knows, he will drop your wife like a sack of sh*t. At this point she will come running back to you, it is at this point you make her walk over hot coals to win you back.. CALL OM's WIFE!!!!!!! I want to and probably will. I just don't want to complicate my life more than it already is.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Bigamy is illegal in Utah just as it is in any other state, why pick on Utah? I'm not picking on Utah. Just figured that was where most Mormans who legally or not practice bigamy. Just a tongue in cheek remark.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Oh, and I forgot to inquire, is your W in NC with the OM? If she's not, well then YOU ARE wasting your time. This should be the 1st thing she does before you even CONSIDER staying with her. Period. Also. You need to inform the OM's W what was/is going on. She has a right to know what her H did. She can also be a valuable allie in assisting you in this journey. Peace, She isn't with him and has tried to cool his jets. His wife is going to find out but in time. I know the prick is sweating. Someone he knows saw them at a hotel 150 miles from his home. Small world. They sent him emails encouraging him to tell his wife or they were going to. I would just assume they do it, keeping my hands clean. He called my wife sweating about this as well. That did somewhat open her eyes that he wanted it kept a secret. He doesn't know that she told me. It's like having a trump card in your hand. edventually I will play it when the time is right. But I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop before I do.
Eye of Hourus Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hofn, Expose now! It is the only way you are going to stop this guy. Exposure is not to shame your wife, it is to end the affair (on both sides). Do not tell your WW beforehand just in case she still has some glimmer of feelings for the OM. You don't want her to tip him off so he can give his BW some line about you being a crazy jealous controlling monster who has gone off half cocked. The OM once exposed is going to be under the microscope of his BW for quite some time. The Eye “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz.
fltc Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'm not picking on Utah. Just figured that was where most Mormans who legally or not practice bigamy. Just a tongue in cheek remark. I wasn't offended, I'm not Mormon. Did you know there are more Mormons in southern California than there are in Utah? Just a bit of information....
Author hanging on for now Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I wasn't offended, I'm not Mormon. Did you know there are more Mormons in southern California than there are in Utah? Just a bit of information.... No didn't know that. Traveled through Utah 4 years ago, just before the mine disaster.
norm28 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I guess my situation was different, I left the house when I found out. When I informed OM's wife, he ended up moving in with my wife and kids. So now, I have my wife and this scumbag acting like man and wife, teaching my kids (by example) that adultery is okay, lying is okay, and hurting people to make yourself happy is okay. Maybe it would have happened anyway, but divorce is hard enough on the kids (8 and 10) without a new man moving in after only 1 month. Sure, he may not be there long, but it's still something I wish i would have avoided.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I guess my situation was different, I left the house when I found out. When I informed OM's wife, he ended up moving in with my wife and kids. So now, I have my wife and this scumbag acting like man and wife, teaching my kids (by example) that adultery is okay, lying is okay, and hurting people to make yourself happy is okay. Maybe it would have happened anyway, but divorce is hard enough on the kids (8 and 10) without a new man moving in after only 1 month. Sure, he may not be there long, but it's still something I wish i would have avoided. Thought crossed my mind that exposing the bastard to his wife would get him booted which would give him reason to come sniffing around my wife again. I would prefer to drag him face down behind my car on a gravel road. Clothing optional. I just hate it for his wife. I know what she is going through. I know she suspects, it's impossible not to. And thinking its possible is worse than actually knowing in some respects.
health Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 You say you can't imagine living life without her. I suggest you become strong and learn to live as a single. You sound a bit needy. You don't need this crap excuse for a wife. Do your thing, discover yourself, pursue your goals, be there for your kids. Talk to her only about the kids. Let her get with him - and see how it'll dissolve anyway. It's only excting cause your there wanting her too. When your removed - she will see how boring this guy is and what a loser she is. You sound like a good man. She is completely disrespecting you. I assume you never cheated on her. If that's the case - kick her to the curb, and meet a new woman with integrity.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 You say you can't imagine living life without her. I suggest you become strong and learn to live as a single. You sound a bit needy. You don't need this crap excuse for a wife. Do your thing, discover yourself, pursue your goals, be there for your kids. Talk to her only about the kids. Let her get with him - and see how it'll dissolve anyway. It's only excting cause your there wanting her too. When your removed - she will see how boring this guy is and what a loser she is. You sound like a good man. She is completely disrespecting you. I assume you never cheated on her. If that's the case - kick her to the curb, and meet a new woman with integrity. No I never cheated. Never came close. Our kids are grown, thank God. As hard as this is to understand, I still love her, never stopped. I may be foolish by the worlds view but she's my wife. I don't believe in divorce, although I have grounds for it under these circumstances. I still don't want it. I know that our relationship will be different if we survive this and I realize that I have to give an ultimatium regarding the prick. She knows it too. As sick as it is to say, she is going through depression about leaving him right now as well as the guilt toward his wife and me. The other thing I hadn't mentioned is since she moved out, her vision has failed and she is legally blind. I just have too much compassion and can't abandon her, not like that. Maybe you have been thourgh an affair, I don't know. One thing I have learned that should be taken to heart by anyone reading this, you just don't know how you would react when you find out. And also accept that your marriage was pretty crappy to get your spouce to look elsewhere for companionship. It doesn't give her the right but explains how it hapened.
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