radrluv72 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I really, really am. My head tells me that it's exactly what I need right now. My progression into the whole NC thing has been slow since I've not ever really done it before, and it's a heart vs. the head issue. Monday of last week was the last time I traded correspondence with my ex, who split up with me 4 weeks ago, 2 days before he was deployed to Afghanistan. The whole episode of the breakup belongs in a totally different thread...long story short, the night he broke up with me he gave me every possible excuse in the book to suddenly end things, 3 weeks later he was telling me that he had just decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and that same day I found out there was actually another girl involved, but I don't know when, or to what extent, or if anything has actually happened at all. I confronted him on it and he said that he wasn't ready to talk about anything yet. I hit a breaking point and "ripped" into him (not insultingly but I got everything off my chest), and told him NOT to contact me unless he was ready to have an honest conversation. He subsequently defriended me on FB, and has not contacted me per my request. I know that I've already broken NC in a few ways since last Monday. I've been looking at his FB page, and I know I need to QUIT IT. He had privatized his friends list and their postings (which was how I found out about the other girl when we were still friended). I made an excuse to send him a message via FB last Friday to let him know that I had just put the gifts that he had given me back in the mail to him, and that I'd included a handwritten letter that I wanted him to read...namely things that I wanted to tell him after I'd had a few days to simmer down. Today I told myself that I was going to STOP looking at his page. I still have his cell phone # in my phone, it I haven't called it since he was deployed...he's in Afghanistan at least until April. Where my head & my heart are fighting each other when it comes to NC, are two things that I believe in regards to my broken relationship to be true. My head is telling me that this is for my own good...my own SANITY...to claim my life back and get to a point where I'm not waking up every single day and feeling like hell. My heart, however, will not let go of the notion that my ex possibly didn't really want to break up with me, but he felt that he had to. It keeps saying, he had to have known the half-handed excuses he was giving me for ending things wouldn't suffice...like he wanted to tell me what really happened or what was going on, but he just couldn't do it...out of fear, immaturity, a want not to hurt me...I don't know. And I've tried so many times to keep the door open, but he's just as damn stubborn as I am...hence was why I finally took the gloves off last week, because I'd had it. I love him...so very, very much, and given the unorthodox nature of our relationship, whatever it was he was feeling so bad about, I would have forgiven him for it. But I've sworn to NC to give myself time to think, and him as well. But this not knowing what's happening with him every day, especially since he's in such a dangerous place...I can't take it. It's that horrible, horrible panic that I've never been able to shake since day one...the fear that he'll forget about me. I also cannot STAND the idea that he may be communicating with this other girl on a regular basis. And that's the other reason I kept looking at his FB page after the defriending...feeding the beast some very unhealthy chow. Granted, I don't see her commenting like she used to on his posts until I found out about her, but still...arrrrggggghhhhhh... Good lord, how do you people do this?
D78 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 he's just as damn stubborn as I am... Stubborn is good when you've truly committed to NC. Keep being stubborn. Also, if you feel weak, read through the NC posts for little gems such as "what could he say to you to make you feel better?" The answer is always nothing. Everything he could say to you will hurt you. Even mundane things will probably be misunderstood. When I feel like breaking NC, I write on LS (and I'm sure I'm wearing out my welcome) and also write in a journal. The journal sometimes takes the form of permanent marker on my bathroom wall. I've got some painting to do when this is all over. I've also written letters to him that I will never send. These things have helped me, but my ex is not deployed to Afghanistan right now and I don't have to worry about him getting hurt. I guess if you contact him without first doing the NC + healing thing, you might hurt him more?
Author radrluv72 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 A couple of weeks ago, I was in a management class at work watching a videotaped interview with Tony Dungy. He said in that interview that one of his mentors told him, "Being stubborn is a virtue if you're right". Smart man. I have such a hard time with the NC thing because all I want him to do is just talk to me. And it's not a matter of him telling me some magic words to fix everything and make it all go away. Admittedly, our relationship wasn't necessarily unhealthy in any manner, but we did kind of start on a backwards note. We had an agreement not to get too attached because of the fact that he was leaving in 2 months. 2 weeks before the split, I admitted that my feelings for him had grown stronger, and we talked about it. But something happened with him on that last night together, and I don't know what, because his behavior with me never changed even after we had our talk...so if he'd been planning the breakup that entire time, I'd find that hard to believe. But whatever it was, he flaked out on me. He either had been: 1. Talking to other girls the entire time because of our agreement--of which if that's the case, I can't get angry with him because of the agreement. 2. Flaked out at the last minute. That night he'd taken me out for a wonderful time & introduced me to his friends. Why would you introduce the girl you've been dating for the last 2 months to your buddies & then turn around & dump her?! 3. He wasn't ready for an actual commitment--and if that was the case, I never had a problem with that. I had no issue with taking things slow...but again,. I think he misinterpreted something that I had said a couple of weeks before, and started talking himself out of being with me. And when the other girl came in...I have no idea. I wholeheartedly believe that he wasn't actually physically cheating on me...given his schedule the entire time we dated, I don't know when he could have done it. He certainly didn't act like he was hiding anything. All I know is that she was added on as a friend to his FB page somewhere in the two days that he split with me & leaving for Afghanistan. Once he and I had started communicating through the personals, we had added eachother on as friends through FB in like, a day, maybe two. And that was before we even met. I know that if I break NC and keep hammering on him for the truth of what really happened, I'm never going to get it. What I'm scared of now, is that when I let go on him Monday night, he may have been on the cusp of coming out of his shell to talk about things, but I just sent him right back in. Before all that happened, if I would write to him to check to see how he was doing, he'd write back. I knew also that he was keeping tabs on my through FB, and the fact that he wanted me to keep the things he gave me when I told him I wanted to send them back...all that tells me that despite what he did, he wanted to keep some connection to me. But when I finally let my frustration with him loose and told him not to contact me, he totally retreated. I don't believe he defriended me because he was angry...I think he did it because I told him not to contact me. And despite the fact that I need NC to get through this, I also feel like I've made a horrible mistake. I hadn't cried over this in weeks, and ever since I sent his things back a few days ago, it's all I want to do. Like I lost him all over again, and I don't know what to do. It's that whole thing where you start thinking does he miss me, is he hurting like I am right now...and how could I have done that to him when he's so far away? But if he's being stubborn & immature...really what choice did I have? 2 incredibly stubborn people. Cripes, we're probably made for eachother. But, per Tony Dungy...who's in the right?
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