Can my wife love me again??

[sirweasles]

I have found that if you remain in contact things can still move forward you need to keep conversation to a minimum make sure you tell her you love her often enough that she always knows it with out sounding like a broken record. she can miss you while in the same house dont bring up your relationship at all youve said your peice now you have to wait for her I dont know how long that takes Im still waiting for my wife aswell however ive noticed alot of changes. My wife now tells me what she is doing alot more she calls randomly with very little to say it seems just to talk to me. this morning after I had sent one of my random I love you texts she text back telling me to look on face book at pictures from a friends birthday party and for the first time in over a week she IMed me in full sentences told me about her morning and a little about the party she also told me what her day was going to consist of just before she had to go to the store she told me she would be back in about an hour and Ill talk to you in a bit. if your wife still loves you she will start to miss talking to you the best way to fight is with kindness and love dont ever ignor her and dont push her away set the bait and lure her back in if she doesnt know what your thinking or what you are doing day to day she will if she loves you she will slowly grab onto the bait until she is hooked again and you can real her back in.

[dreamingoftigers]

This woman does not need an affair to leave, you have called her "worthless" frequently enough.

 

At the point where my husband has let me know I am worthless, it doesn't need to be an affair at all. If it is, don't be surprised but it would only be a symptom of the problem.

 

Her being able to trust you means that you have to manage yourself. The Divorce Busting people have a pretty good take on this.

 

I have been using their priniciples and have gotten great results from myself and my husband.

 

I have only recently decided that if he is not willing to meet his agreements with me that I am leaving. Other than that, the DB principles would most likely help the most here.

 

This woman has her walls up super-high. She also hasn't let go yet and is friendly and in contact with you. You have plenty of opportunity to show her and yourself what you are capable of. Don't change to chase her, change because you are sick of who you have been to those around you and because you want to capture that integrity with yourself.

 

As soon as you have that, the odds of keeping your marriage increase greatly. If you don't have your intergrity, your marriage will die eventually anyways.

 

If she hasn't made the move to file for D, then you have a chance, don't be a fool and waste it.

[Distant78]

5000 texts!!!! I don't think I've sent that many since texting was invented in 1999. She is seeing someone else...

 

Yes she's seeing someone else. I've seen thousands of stories like this. The same set up. It always ends with someone being busted. And that lie she told about her texting her "girlfriend" more is a major red flag.

[shayan]

power to dreaming of tigers, have you tried resting your head on her shoulders and laughing a little?

 

"If she hasn't made the move to file for D, then you have a chance, don't be a fool and waste it.

"

[tryingmyhardest]

Been a few days since I have been on here. I have had days where it seems things go good, but then I know she is texting all night on her phone and it bothers me. I was diagnosed with ADHD last week, which is the source of my anger along with a slew of other small issues I didnt know were related. So just a few hours ago the keylogger paid off and I caught the wife chating with the lover while away and know they had sex last week and they have even been talking about marriage together, before she even broke up with me, and he is also married. I am wounded, but I still love her and we also have kids together. So we are supposed to go to marriage counseling tommorow, I dont know if I should play dumb or confront her, or bust out the other guy to his wife... So many choices, but I dont know If I could ever trust her again. Here is a copy of the email she sent to here friend yesterday about what is going on, she is deepely disturbed.

 

Sista... I am ****ed up.

G**** is trying so hard. He sends me a daily email... this is what he sent last night, and it's perfect:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqU9-0uuGAU

I find it so ironic that here me & bf pick songs about how we feel, and then suddenly G*** does too. With the exception of Thursday night's craziness, things with G**** have been good. He has been so good

 

with the kids. Bottom line: if I leave now, it will be for T***. It will not be for me and my potential happiness. I truly feel like I love them both. That I could be happy with either. Is T** enough for me? The one thing I realistically question is money. That's a big problem for me & G**** and I ALWAYS said it would NOT be in any future relationships. That's so shallow, but real. Being with T** would be like picking an entirely different life all together. I would have to become a simple girl. AND he really wants to get married. I think I would constantly be shrugging that off. I do feel like this thing with G*** could be a scam... Like I am the victim of an Eminem song that believes it will be better and it IS for a couple of months, but then goes back. I do not want to make this progress, and then go back. G**** really believes that with meds and therapy he can fix himself. Two final thoughts I have...

1) Despite this CONSTANT conversation that T** and I have, I still have this nagging feeling that he might not leave his wife. I bet he could feel a lot like I do... I really don't want to make any moves until he does in the event that he never leaves. Is that fair? Like why would I uproot my children if it's not necessary. He has told his sister, and just told his mom yesterday. He told work. He has not make any appts for consultation for therapy, atty or real estate. I feel like I should buy some time...

 

2) I have this weird thought that I have been married 8 years, so I should give it 8 months of trying to fix. Crazy, right? How can I go that if I am not wholeheartedly trying to fix it? Maybe I am saying that more forpublic perception? I told my sister yesterday and she seemed to think that with meds, G***** could be better.

Wants to be stick it out for awhile. What's appropriate to get adjusted to meds? 6 weeks? 3 mos?

Edited January 12, 2011 by tryingmyhardest

[robf1971]

Been a few days since I have been on here. I have had days where it seems things go good, but then I know she is texting all night on her phone and it bothers me. I was diagnosed with ADHD last week, which is the source of my anger along with a slew of other small issues I didnt know were related. So just a few hours ago the keylogger paid off and I caught the wife chating with the lover while away and know they had sex last week and they have even been talking about marriage together, before she even broke up with me, and he is also married. I am wounded, but I still love her and we also have kids together. So we are supposed to go to marriage counseling tommorow, I dont know if I should play dumb or confront her, or bust out the other guy to his wife... So many choices, but I dont know If I could ever trust her again. Here is a copy of the email she sent to here friend yesterday about what is going on, she is deepely disturbed.

 

Sista... I am ****ed up.

G**** is trying so hard. He sends me a daily email... this is what he sent last night, and it's perfect:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqU9-0uuGAU

I find it so ironic that here me & bf pick songs about how we feel, and then suddenly G*** does too. With the exception of Thursday night's craziness, things with G**** have been good. He has been so good

 

with the kids. Bottom line: if I leave now, it will be for T***. It will not be for me and my potential happiness. I truly feel like I love them both. That I could be happy with either. Is T** enough for me? The one thing I realistically question is money. That's a big problem for me & G**** and I ALWAYS said it would NOT be in any future relationships. That's so shallow, but real. Being with T** would be like picking an entirely different life all together. I would have to become a simple girl. AND he really wants to get married. I think I would constantly be shrugging that off. I do feel like this thing with G*** could be a scam... Like I am the victim of an Eminem song that believes it will be better and it IS for a couple of months, but then goes back. I do not want to make this progress, and then go back. G**** really believes that with meds and therapy he can fix himself. Two final thoughts I have...

1) Despite this CONSTANT conversation that T** and I have, I still have this nagging feeling that he might not leave his wife. I bet he could feel a lot like I do... I really don't want to make any moves until he does in the event that he never leaves. Is that fair? Like why would I uproot my children if it's not necessary. He has told his sister, and just told his mom yesterday. He told work. He has not make any appts for consultation for therapy, atty or real estate. I feel like I should buy some time...

 

2) I have this weird thought that I have been married 8 years, so I should give it 8 months of trying to fix. Crazy, right? How can I go that if I am not wholeheartedly trying to fix it? Maybe I am saying that more forpublic perception? I told my sister yesterday and she seemed to think that with meds, G***** could be better.

 

Wants to be stick it out for awhile. What's appropriate to get adjusted to meds? 6 weeks? 3 mos?

 

 

Ok this pretty much says it all,

 

BUST THE AFFAIR, DO IT, DO IT , DO IT

 

This guy will go running c*ck in hand back to his wife. Man up!! Unless you want years more of this BS.

[robf1971]

Been a few days since I have been on here. I have had days where it seems things go good, but then I know she is texting all night on her phone and it bothers me. I was diagnosed with ADHD last week, which is the source of my anger along with a slew of other small issues I didnt know were related. So just a few hours ago the keylogger paid off and I caught the wife chating with the lover while away and know they had sex last week and they have even been talking about marriage together, before she even broke up with me, and he is also married. I am wounded, but I still love her and we also have kids together. So we are supposed to go to marriage counseling tommorow, I dont know if I should play dumb or confront her, or bust out the other guy to his wife... So many choices, but I dont know If I could ever trust her again. Here is a copy of the email she sent to here friend yesterday about what is going on, she is deepely disturbed.

 

Sista... I am ****ed up.

G**** is trying so hard. He sends me a daily email... this is what he sent last night, and it's perfect:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqU9-0uuGAU

I find it so ironic that here me & bf pick songs about how we feel, and then suddenly G*** does too. With the exception of Thursday night's craziness, things with G**** have been good. He has been so good

 

with the kids. Bottom line: if I leave now, it will be for T***. It will not be for me and my potential happiness. I truly feel like I love them both. That I could be happy with either. Is T** enough for me? The one thing I realistically question is money. That's a big problem for me & G**** and I ALWAYS said it would NOT be in any future relationships. That's so shallow, but real. Being with T** would be like picking an entirely different life all together. I would have to become a simple girl. AND he really wants to get married. I think I would constantly be shrugging that off. I do feel like this thing with G*** could be a scam... Like I am the victim of an Eminem song that believes it will be better and it IS for a couple of months, but then goes back. I do not want to make this progress, and then go back. G**** really believes that with meds and therapy he can fix himself. Two final thoughts I have...

1) Despite this CONSTANT conversation that T** and I have, I still have this nagging feeling that he might not leave his wife. I bet he could feel a lot like I do... I really don't want to make any moves until he does in the event that he never leaves. Is that fair? Like why would I uproot my children if it's not necessary. He has told his sister, and just told his mom yesterday. He told work. He has not make any appts for consultation for therapy, atty or real estate. I feel like I should buy some time...

 

2) I have this weird thought that I have been married 8 years, so I should give it 8 months of trying to fix. Crazy, right? How can I go that if I am not wholeheartedly trying to fix it? Maybe I am saying that more forpublic perception? I told my sister yesterday and she seemed to think that with meds, G***** could be better.

 

Wants to be stick it out for awhile. What's appropriate to get adjusted to meds? 6 weeks? 3 mos?

 

 

You now have the advantage of knowing how your wife feels. Bust the affair, then tell her " I know all about you and T" (DO not reveal how you know) I will not live in an open marriage and allow me and the kids to be disrspected like this. Cut off all contact with OM, with a transparncy plan, commit to working on our marriage or I will start packing your bags for you?

 

She will probably try to play it down blame you etc, she might even lie but you have a keylogger (thats why you don't tell her). If you see her trying to contact OM. Pack her stuff in boxes and put them in the garage, give her 2 weeks to find a place and lawyer up.

[tryingmyhardest]

I dont know how I should bust it. I was going to read this letter aloud at our marriage counseling today, and explain to her how stupid it is and also tell the other guys wife tommorow. Part of me doesnt want to say anything, but they have plans again on thursday. I dont think I can trust her again, even thought I still love her, just too many lies and deception. But we have two of the greatest kids in the world, which make me want to work it out.

[robf1971]

was But we have two of the greatest kids in the world, which make me want to work it out.

 

Of course you do.. Nothing can be worked out while she's in an affair, that's why you need to bust it.

[robf1971]

explain to her how stupid it is

 

Don't do this, it will make you seem controlling and push her towards OM even more. To her it isn't stupid, to fight against these feelings will only make them stronger. Please listen to me. You can turn this around but the stuff you need to do is counter intuitive.

[tryingmyhardest]

What do you mean by bust it, confront her, or the OM's wife. I have confronted her before and she denies, denies, denies, it will take proof before she admits. I was thinking on showing the other mans wife, but I am too busy today and cant get out of work and I still have to go to the marriage counseling.

 

Part of me wants to just tell her to pack her ****,

[robf1971]

I dont know how I should bust it. .

 

Call the guy's wife. Have you got her number, try in the day when he isn't around first.

[robf1971]

I have confronted her before and she denies, denies, denies, it will take proof before she admits.

 

Of course she denies but you have evidence.

 

You say calmly to your wife.

 

Wife I know all about XYZ (don't tell her you exposed to his wife), mention his name.

 

When she denies, you hold up your hand,

 

"We both know it's true please stop lying to me it's totally disrspectful"

 

"I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage either you cut off all contact with total transparency or I will pack your things up for you and put them in the garage for you to take away"

[robf1971]

If she continues to deny or make excuses, actions speak louder than words. Start physically packing her stuff, then call a lawyer.

[What_Next]

First MC is a complete waste of time and energy when she is actively involved in the affair. Also announcing you have discovered the affair in a MC session is not going to end well. Likely she'll just run out of the session and accuse you of ambushing her.

 

My opinion? Cancel the MC session. Call the counselor and explain to him/her that you have discovered she is actively involved in an affair.

 

Then call her and tell her you need to talk and MC is off. Lay out all the evidence. My guess is she will deny and lie her face off. If she doesn't immeadiately come clean, proceed to contact the OM's wife.

[tryingmyhardest]

what do I since my wife works with the guy, and marriage counseling is in 1 hour, trying to get my game plan together

[imagine]

Expose to your friends, family and her boss. Contact OMW as well. You need to use each other to confirm details.

 

Expose at once. She will be mad. Remind her that you are trying to save your marriage.

[robf1971]

what do I since my wife works with the guy, and marriage counseling is in 1 hour, trying to get my game plan together

 

Great expose the affair at work to the boss... that will put serious pressure on it. But I do disagree with exposing to friends and family, this could hinder you if you do try to reconcile in the future.

[blizzard]

I agree. I wouldn't expose to family and friends. She will resent you. Push you farther away for sure.

[tryingmyhardest]

Of course she denies but you have evidence.

 

You say calmly to your wife.

 

Wife I know all about XYZ (don't tell her you exposed to his wife), mention his name.

 

When she denies, you hold up your hand,

 

"We both know it's true please stop lying to me it's totally disrspectful"

 

"I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage either you cut off all contact with total transparency or I will pack your things up for you and put them in the garage for you to take away"

 

Well I did this and she said she choose to go. She denied until I told her how I knew and then was very defensive, blaming me. We talked for about an hour afterward in the car, and she now accepted full responsibility, and she apperead very defeated, said she felt duped, but no longer blamed me and was blaming herself. She doesnt know where she is going to live. She only asked one thing and that was to not tell her work, as she would get fired. I didnt promise her not to, but I dont want her to loose her job, as we are in dire financial straights anyways. It was pretty emotional, she admitted to another affair two months ago, drunk one night stand, she says she has some kind of void she cant fill.

 

I think this is the end of the road, and I am kind of ok with that, especially after finding out about other affair. I am just worried about my children now, acting out

[tryingmyhardest]

Today, was at the divorce lawyer, and wife did not know, and she sends me a text asking me if I really want a divorce. I meet with her and she proceeds to tell me how she is confused, but still doesnt know if I can make her happy, I explain to her unless she apoligized for her actions and tells me she will change, then her talk is pointless. It's weird I can see her battling with her inner self as she doesnt know what she wants. I went and filed for the divorce after leaving her office. She has let me down big time and I dont know if I can really trust her again, but part of me still loves her.

[hopesndreams]

I still have this nagging feeling that he might not leave his wife.

 

This is all that matters to her.

 

If he left his wife this minute, she'd be gone.

 

Another SELFISH coward.

[tryingmyhardest]

I dont know you may be right. I asked her what she was wanting, when I got home that night, as she was there to see the kids. She asked if I would consider a seperation instead of a divorce. I told her it was too late for that, and if she didnt do what she did, it would have been a possibility, but not now.

 

She is coming over tommorow to help clean up the house, to get it ready to list on monday. I am thinking of telling her that we should go forward with the divorce and everything else, but we can go to retrouville in 4 weeks, if she is willing to end it with the OM, but that I wont do a seperation. My feeling is retrouville, could be that last ditch effort. Am I stupid or what.

[sirweasles]

dont know about you but to me its me or the highway no confusion myh wife my bed my wife another guys bed means highway I love my wife with all my heart and i told her before we got married i would never make her chose between me and another in a case such as this i would tell her have a good life and i will always love you GOOD BYE!!!!!!!! there is no confusionin love there is no him or my husbond/or wife in love there is only one there is a definite there is not well if he or if you the fence is not love its lost and as much as you love her if she doesnt love you enough to say you and no questions in my mind you then its over she has already stepped out she is gone she is no longer the woman you love doint let her tear your heart out anymore

[tryingmyhardest]

Thanks for your candidness weasels, After I confronted the wife at marriage counseling on Wednesday until I went to the lawyers office friday, I was sure I needed a divorce and to fight for my kids.... then I get a text from her about do I really want a divorce and I feel all crazy inside again. But she wont tell me she only wants me and tells me she is not sure she can be happy with me. I was so good before, but now it's like I keep hurting and feel I need to give it one last shot, but I'm not sure she even wants that. It's weird I was barely eating, sleeping until I found out about her affair, and how she had talked about marriage, kids and everything with the OM. Now I feel better, sleeping and eating, and I see she is now in the place I was. Its funny she was going to tell me she wanted a divorce after the marriage counseling, but since the tables have turned, she is lost.