OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 An alpha male, as the evolutionary biologists would call him, is the most desirable mate in the kingdom. He has already established his abilities to procreate successfully, provide for his family, protect them, and can do a long-term, committed relationship. I definitely go for alpha males. I'm not prepared to settle for a mate who is not my equal in all respects. Why should I settle for the bottom feeder that nobody else wants, just because he is free?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 That's what I would think also, but I'm starting to wonder. When my ex first stepped out, it was with a single guy much younger than her. After he got what he wanted and moved on, she started seeing a divorced guy closer to her age, but she broke it off. It's all very strange and involved, but it was about this time (and after our divorce was final) that she started making advancements towards me again...partly due to her admitting that she didn't like me dating. It doesn't matter in the context of this discussion, but I was very wary...yet, after 16 years of marriage I had to admit that I still loved her and our history mattered. Even before things could 'get started' she backed away again and disappeared. When she finally came back around to talk, she admitted to being in another relationship...but this time a married with kids guy. I can tell you the vibe I got from her this time was very different; she was anxious, scared and told me that she was "afraid" she'd fallen in love. At that point, whatever feelings I had for her vanished, and I asked her how many families she planned to break up before she was through. In my mind, I could (almost) understand the pain and suffering she put our family through...given her problems and perhaps even some midlife crisis. But to wedge herself between a married man, his wife and children? That was a final, devastating blow to my attraction for her. I realized just how far she had fallen and knew without a doubt that we'd never reconcile. As the mother of my children we are linked, but this destroyed my respect. This is just incredible! Well it seems that your ex partner was very very lost and searching in the weirdest places for something to satiate that. Trying to find Wine in a bottle of Scotch it seems. It's a good thing that you aren't interested in having her home. That would be far far too much.
greengoddess Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I'm not a trusting person. I don't act on instant anything - I do my research first. I do my research. I make my proposal. My target has the opportunity to consider and accept or reject my proposal. Any guy who has the same objection as me to being picked out as an item has the same right as I do to voice that objection and to reject the advance. I have never forced anyone into anything. I require nothing less than fully informed, adult consent. Valuing myself and asserting my agency is a political choice, based on my personal style and the fact that I don't conform to Hallmark notions of gender appropriate roles. I don't see the relevance or otherwise of being hurt - I'm simply not the passive type, nor do I engage in any of the manipulative S&TC type behaviour to try to trick a man into doing what I want him to do. I'm a direct person. If I want something, I will get it. I won't wait for someone else to come and offer it to me. I'm not that type. MY TARGET??? Geeeeezzzz you make love sound so cold and calculating.
greengoddess Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I definitely go for alpha males. I'm not prepared to settle for a mate who is not my equal in all respects. Why should I settle for the bottom feeder that nobody else wants, just because he is free? Everything you have said about your husband seems so contradictory to this. You say you go for alpha males and yet your husband is a man he was systematicaaly abused and beaten down by his exwife. That just doesn't sound alpha male to me.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I definitely go for alpha males. I'm not prepared to settle for a mate who is not my equal in all respects. Why should I settle for the bottom feeder that nobody else wants, just because he is free?[/QUOTE] Isn't this a rather large assumption? Or am I missing something? As well, what do you define as "hitting on you?" I for one haven't had a history of falling into bed with a guy that says I am pretty or whatever. But I can completely understand trying to exchange contact info to try and get to know that person better. That often includes the notion that the other person may attract you in some way. So for yourself does that mean they must be in your circle for some time before making any type of proposition? Ironically many people on this board would conclude that an MM who is willing to step outside of their marriage would be a bottom-feeder. I will not say whether or not I agree with this, but does personality type or simply lower ambition than yourself constitute a bottom-feeder? Or would it be class-linked? Would an ambitious garbage man (would be like a supervisor rising up in City Waste Management for example) be considered more or less of a bottom-feeder than say a middle manager with his MBA later in life at a larger company like MGM or something? Just wondering what your context is.
xxoo Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I definitely go for alpha males. I'm not prepared to settle for a mate who is not my equal in all respects. Why should I settle for the bottom feeder that nobody else wants, just because he is free? Surely there are options other than committed men and bottom feeders nobody else wants.
stillafool Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 According to the British Daily Mail it's all in the genes. I see your point. I guess that is why when men see another guy with a gorgeous girl on his arm, they all want her.
donnamaybe Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Surely there are options other than committed men and bottom feeders nobody else wants.There sure are!
stillafool Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Why should I settle for the bottom feeder that nobody else wants, just because he is free? I can't believe you would refer to an actual person as a "bottom feeder".
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I can recognize how a guy in a relationship or marriage can be desirable as far as appearance goes. They're usually better groomed and their clothes are more suitable for them. Having a woman in their life, they will be this way to please her. But whenever I felt chemistry with a guy and then found out he was in a relationship, all that chemistry disappeared instantly. ESPECIALLY if they seemed interested in me too. I could never participate in the betrayal and deceit of an affair and bring that pain into the life of someone else even if I had never met them or many people spoke poorly of them. True, the guy looking to cheat will likely find someone to cheat with, but it will never be with me. I understand in life with money, its a zero sum game. But I don't have to cause pain to someone else just to have companionship so I simply won't participate in turning love into a zero sum game. The women I've known who seemed to seek out affairs had specific qualities I find detestable. Being quite capable of stepping on anyone to get what they want. The need to not just have a guy pick her, but to pick her over someone already in his life. They felt ego fed over the idea of a guy being so obsessed with them that he'd burn bridges, disappoint his family members and even turn away from his children just to be with her. As though the pain he caused to have her delighted her or at least didn't bother her one whit. Its this "why should I care; I want I want I want I want" attitude. This is not the same as a woman who enters a relationship, falls in love, and then finds out he is in a committed relationship. I don't understand staying with the guy, but I do have sympathy for the emotions they go through upon discovering they were the victim of fraud. And of course, the intentional ones delight in saying "Oh that isn't how I am". Yeah sure, like you'd admit it when deceit is your currency.
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I recall, in my 30's, hearing the question, in a general sense, 'why is he single? What is wrong with him?' I wondered, in light of discourse here, that it is *assumed* because someone is single that 'no one' wants them, even though that 'no one' can be a pretty big and diverse and largely unmet population of unrealized potentials. Perception is a powerful force. I came to see it as a component of compatibility. Why do single women go for married men? IME, very few do, generally because they're not really single when they do, rather apparently involved (living, married, exclusive, emotionally attached) with another man. I struggle to think of one female friend or acquaintance who has identified herself as being single and alone, ever. I thought I had found one in my exW, but even that is now unclear. In my case, all of the women who 'went' for me while I was married were obviously married or in LTR's themselves. In retrospect, I don't see it as anything more than an ego feed or perhaps a female competition thing. A couple kept at it for a number of years until I finally responded with demonstrated reciprocation, then discontinued. That's a clear sign of their intentions. It was fun to play, in this case, with my feelings. I don't think biological imperitives or chasing alpha males had anything to do with it. The experiences have soured me somewhat on women. I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons, as outlined in the thread and article, but I wanted to share my perspective and datapoints. There are also datapoints from being an OM, but that's for another thread.
Steadfast Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) This is just incredible! Well it seems that your ex partner was very very lost and searching in the weirdest places for something to satiate that. Trying to find Wine in a bottle of Scotch it seems. It's a good thing that you aren't interested in having her home. That would be far far too much. Whatever she was or is searching for, she couldn't find it with me. To be honest, I'm not sure how that makes me feel. I will say that her actions and decisions seriously damaged at least one family and the people in it, but it survived as can all who experience infidelity. It is not an easy road. The women I've known who seemed to seek out affairs had specific qualities I find detestable. Being quite capable of stepping on anyone to get what they want. The need to not just have a guy pick her, but to pick her over someone already in his life. They felt ego fed over the idea of a guy being so obsessed with them that he'd burn bridges, disappoint his family members and even turn away from his children just to be with her. As though the pain he caused to have her delighted her or at least didn't bother her one whit. Its this "why should I care; I want I want I want I want" attitude. So very well said, yet devastating to actually read. It seems there is nothing much anyone can do about it, except to treat the loved ones in our lives with all the care, compassion and love we can muster. We can't crawl inside of someone's heart and change them, and for that I am glad. Having that ability would wipe away the power and meaning of true love. Speaking for bottom-feeders everywhere, I hope that finds me. Someday. Edited January 5, 2011 by Steadfast
East7 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) I recall, in my 30's, hearing the question, in a general sense, 'why is he single? What is wrong with him?' I wondered, in light of discourse here, that it is *assumed* because someone is single that 'no one' wants them, even though that 'no one' can be a pretty big and diverse and largely unmet population of unrealized potentials. Perception is a powerful force. I came to see it as a component of compatibility. Why do single women go for married men? IME, very few do, generally because they're not really single when they do, rather apparently involved (living, married, exclusive, emotionally attached) with another man. I struggle to think of one female friend or acquaintance who has identified herself as being single and alone, ever. I thought I had found one in my exW, but even that is now unclear. In my case, all of the women who 'went' for me while I was married were obviously married or in LTR's themselves. In retrospect, I don't see it as anything more than an ego feed or perhaps a female competition thing. Hi Carhill, I think this is related to "social proof" factor. It means Men who are in couple or hang with female friends give a perception of "social proof" that they are able to attract other women or have good relationships. Thus they have a kind of mystery and "successful guy aura" that naturally attracts women. On the other side, you take the same guy being alone he would likely be less successful to attracting women. I have always wondered myself why a lot of women would stare at me when I was in couple and less when I was alone. To get this straight, I'm talking about attraction stage. Now, when a woman starts a R to become an OW, I think: - either she is an relationship and bored - Or she is single and starts it "for fun" until feelings drive her sucked in an A with a MM. Edited January 5, 2011 by East7
Mimolicious Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Really nice to be compared to birds and fish...
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I remember reading a while back on an OW Blog that she preferred married men. That the married men had been "vetted" by another woman and found worthy of her time. There are women out there that think the way the article states. I'm not going to be on my guard for them, but it is nice to know that they are out there and not be blind to that fact.
Author Ellin Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Really nice to be compared to birds and fish... We share 60% of our genes with a chicken.
datura_noir Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 We share 60% of our genes with a chicken. Well, let's take the "henhouse" theory into this discussion.... Hens are constantly vying for attention and favors of the lone rooster set amongst them. The females will literally peck to the death any female who seems inferior, and then progress up that line with the pecking and abuse, until she is the favored one. The favored one ends up laying the most eggs and constantly cycling for the rooster. I raised chickens for 5 years; I have seen this in action.
datura_noir Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I forgot to add that meanwhile, the poor "favored" hen is in a constant state of egg-laying, therefore never able to join her fellow hens just grazing, pecking, etc.... meanwhile the rooster is crowing like a SOB!
dont-be-naive Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I used to agree with this whole heartedly as in my 6 years being divorced and a very busy single mother, 80% of the men who approached me or asked me out were MARRIED!!!! maybe these married men were getting a vibe from you?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 maybe these married men were getting a vibe from you? Seriously? Most men think a "vibe" is a glance in their direction. Don't be so naive. GEL
GreenEyedLady Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Why do women pursue MM? Simple, they want to. J, I respect you, very much. Women don't need to pursue MM. MM do the pursuing for the most part. The fallacy that women chase MM is just MM blameshifting so their W's won't leave them. GEL
Woggle Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 J, I respect you, very much. Women don't need to pursue MM. MM do the pursuing for the most part. The fallacy that women chase MM is just MM blameshifting so their W's won't leave them. GEL I am married and some women certainly seem to find me more attractive because of that fact. I never take them up on any offers but a ring certainly does make a man more attractive.
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Wogs, are most of them single or married? I mostly got married ones. They were much more aggressive. Shocking. The single ones mainly provided signals of availability, which aligns with GEL's post; they didn't chase nor make any overt moves. MW's, OTOH, whoa...
Woggle Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Wogs, are most of them single or married? I mostly got married ones. They were much more aggressive. Shocking. The single ones mainly provided signals of availability, which aligns with GEL's post; they didn't chase nor make any overt moves. MW's, OTOH, whoa... Both. I told you guys about being in a hotel for a week setting up a big event and a married woman tried to get me in her room which I flat out said no to. During the summer I have drunk girls all the time trying to hit on me and telling me that my wife will never find out.
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